Ezra was softly snoring on the short drive back to the apartment. In the streetlights, I could see the blood on his face and how it was matted in his hair. It looked like he got into a fight at the house. I wasn't sure how I was going to explain this to Brynn again. Ezra cried out for help and I dropped everything to run to him. He had inserted himself back into my life like the man who was pushing the needle into his arm injected the poison under his skin. He was my poison.

Tears were streaming down my face. I was so angry at him for doing this to himself. He was beautiful and brilliant and nothing like the pile of rubble that was sleeping next to me as I drove. I was scared that he wouldn't be able to come back from this. I wondered if this was my fault. Did I drive him to this? I didn't stick the needle in his veins; he chose that. It didn't make me feel any less guilty about the role I was playing.

I pulled up to the apartment and got out of the car. I looked around for Brynn's car in the parking lot. I was relieved when I saw her normal parking spot was empty. I opened the door and touched Ezra's shoulder and gently shook him. He looked up at me; his eyes were still covered with a foggy haze.

"Let's get inside and you can lay down." He nodded and moved to climb out of the car. He wrapped his arm around me again, using me like a crutch to help support his weight. He was a little stronger now and was able to support himself a little better as we climbed the three flights of stairs to the apartment. I kept him as steady as I could so he did not fall back down.

I opened the door and flipped the switch to turn on the ceiling light. I could see the deep cuts and bruises on his face better now that we were out of the car. His knuckles on both hands were split open and bleeding. He was a complete mess.

"I need to clean these out." I said, grabbing his hands. He winced and his eyes rolled back into his head when I turned them over to examine them. The right one looked swollen. "I think your hand could be broken. We need to get it looked at."

"No doctors." He said through his clenched teeth. I nodded to let him know I understood. Doctors would want to drug test him when they saw him, which would lead to the police. He had enough trouble to deal with just sorting out the chaos he created in his life. He didn't need legal trouble on top of it.

I grabbed his arm and tried not to cringe when my hands accidentally touched the needle marks on his skin. I guided him into the bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet to pull out the peroxide and bandages. He held his hands over the sink and I poured the peroxide on the wounds. He swore as soon as the liquid hit his skin and began to bubble. I bent towards his hands, pressing my lips together and blew on the bubbling liquid. Ezra reached out and tried to run his hand through my hair.  I backed away before he could touch me and grabbed the bandages to cover the open skin.

Once I finished bandaging his hands, I moved to reach up to his face to get the cut above his eyebrow. He chuckled when I couldn't reach it easily and tried to stand on my tiptoes. He leaned his back against the vanity and widened his stance to make himself shorter. I had to stand in between his legs to reach the cut. I was careful not to get my body to close to his. I couldn't confuse him more by sending him more mixed signals. I only kissed him in the house to get him to come with me. I was hoping he was so out of it that he wouldn't remember what happened.

I ran the cotton ball with peroxide over the cut and he closed his eyes.

"You're lucky you didn't lose your eyebrow rings." I said, studying the deep cut. He opened his eyes and stayed silent. I looked down at his shirt and realized it was soaked with blood.  I wrinkled my nose, not sure if it was his or the person he got into a fight with.

"I don't think I have anything that will fit you for you to change into." I said, furrowing my brow. 

Ezra shrugged and lifted his shirt over his head. My eyes immediately moved down to the music notes that peeked out just above his waistband. My fingers involuntarily moved to them and traced the delicate thin lines. He watched the movement with soft eyes, a little icy blue trying to peek through the fog. I moved my hand away and looked at the space between us. I didn't mean to touch him again.

"I'm sorry... I...just..." I stammered, looking down at my feet.

"Please let me stay with you tonight." He begged in a soft tone.

"You can sleep in my bed. I can take the couch." I put my hand on his arm.

"I can't sleep without you." His eyes were red-rimmed and glassy. He grabbed the bottom hem of my shirt and his fingertips grazed the bare skin underneath.

"Ezra, that's not a good idea." I said, looking down where his fingertips softly danced over my skin. Mixed signals, I was giving him hope again.

"Just for tonight, I promise I won't try anything. I just don't want to be alone."

I bit my lip and sighed. This was a horrible idea, but I convinced myself that it would be easier to keep an eye on him better this way. Really bad rationale on my part, but that was the lie I needed to tell myself. I shook my head yes and turned to walk towards the bedroom. He followed behind me, careful not to come too close. 

I turned on the light and he sat down on my bed. He removed his shoes and socks while I went to the dresser to pull out my pajamas. I saw him watching me in the vanity mirror. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. When I opened them back up, he was standing and removing his pants, leaving only his boxers on. I turned fast with my eyes wide. I hadn't thought this through at all. He wouldn't want to sleep in his jeans. I tried not to look down at him. I didn't want to give him the wrong idea about what this was.

He turned and moved to my bed and pulled the blankets back. He sat down and brought them back over his legs. I was thankful for the coverage so I couldn't sit and stare at him. I ran out of the room with my pajamas down the hall and went to change in the bathroom. I know he had seen me naked before, but changing in front of him would be too intimate. I wouldn't be able to stop myself from touching him if I knew he was watching me.

I slipped on my pajama pants and an old band t-shirt. I debated over the idea of keeping my bra on but decided I would be more comfortable without it. It would be weird if I kept it on while I was sleeping.

I looked one more time in the mirror and besides the shorter teal and blond hair, I still saw the emerald green eyes of the same girl who had given everything she had to this boy months ago. Deep down, I knew she was still there. I tried to hide that girl away to keep her safe and to protect her from all the bad things she had been through. I was failing her and the baby she lost in the accident. I was letting him back in.

I switched the light off and went back into the room. Ezra was lying back with his hands behind his head. He looked me up and down, taking in my body in my pajamas. His eyes stopped at my chest and he swallowed when he noticed I wasn't wearing my bra. I began to regret my decision immediately. The base of my stomach began to tighten. I always loved the way he liked to watch me. This time would be different, I told myself. He would not get to see me whimper and plead for his fingers to touch my skin. I would not get on my knees to beg for him.

I slid myself under the covers, carefully trying to avoid touching him. I could feel his body relax when I got near. I laid on my back with my head against the pillow, trying to control my breathing.  My heart was racing like I had just run a marathon.  It was going to explode from the tension between us. 

I turned my back to him so I could try to pretend we were not in bed together. It was just me here, in my bed alone, in a dark room.  It was just like any other night.

Ezra shifted next to me, trying to get more comfortable. His leg brushed mine under the covers and I jumped.

"Sorry, accident." He whispered apologetically.

"I...no... it's fine."  I said, not able to form a coherent thought.

I pulled the blankets up tighter around me for protection.  I was so exhausted, but my brain refused to shut down.  There was no way I was going to be able to sleep without telling him what was going through my mind.

"Ezra." I whispered before falling asleep.

"Yeah, Ry." He said, still lying on his back and looking up at the ceiling.

"I'm really scared for you. You can't keep using. You need to get clean." I was thankful he couldn't see my face. Tears were falling from my eyes. I needed Ezra to figure out a way to pull himself out of this. The world would never be the same if Ezra stayed on this dark path.

"I'm trying." He said. "I thought I had it under control when I came back to find you. I started using again the first night I came to your work. I thought if I just had a little, it would give me the courage to see you. I don't ever want you to see me like that again."

"Me neither." I said and closed my eyes.

I heard a scream and felt someone shaking my shoulders. The familiar long fingers pressed into my skin, trying to get me to wake up. The deep, commanding voice cut through the sounds of twisting metal and the shrill shrieks of the baby that I couldn't find.

"Ezra, please! Stop! I can't find the baby! Where's our baby?" I screamed out.

"Wake up! Please, Riley, please wake up! You're having a nightmare." He begged me.

My eyes darted open and I was staring into Ezra's light blue eyes. I must have turned to sleep on my back at some point during the night. He was leaning over me, propped up on one arm, his dark hair falling over his face. The fog in his eyes had cleared a little bit.

It took me a few minutes to realize where I was. I was not in the smashed car pressing in all around me.  There was no jagged metal digging and tearing my skin. I was at home, safe in my bed and Ezra was next to me.

I felt Ezra's hand move to wipe the tears from my face. His fingertips were softer than they were before. He must not be playing his guitar much since most of his calluses were gone. It made me sad to know he had stopped doing what he loved to completely surrender himself to his addiction.

"Sorry." I apologized, embarrassed by how crazy I must look to him.

I tried to turn my back to Ezra again so he couldn't see my face, but he held me in place and wouldn't let me move.   He continued to stroke my face with his hand and then wrapped his hand in my hair. He rubbed his fingertips into my head, soothing and stroking me gently. The dark-haired boy was careful not to press further into my body, unsure of how I would react. I turned away, not wanting to keep staring into those penetrating blue eyes.

"Don't apologize. How long have you been having them?" Ezra asked softly whispering in my ear. His warm breath tickled at my skin and I turned back to look at him again.  He was still staring at me, wanting me to let him back in.

"They started about a month after the accident." I explained. "It took me that long to start remembering anything. I forgot most of what happened that night and I still don't remember even being at the bonfire. Most of what I think I know is from what people have told me. The memories come back like little flashes when I am sleeping. The doctors gave me some medicine that helps me sleep sometimes. With everything going on, I forgot to take it tonight."

"I'm so sorry, Riley. I should have been there for you." He said with a tear rolling down his cheek as he realized how deeply I have been hurting too.

I turned back away from him and closed my eyes. Hearing him apologize and tell me he was wrong for leaving tore me in half.  There was a part of me that wanted this since he left me. The other part of me wanted to keep hating him for what he did. The boy who destroyed me was also the person I wanted to save me.

"Ezra..."  I paused.

"What do you need, beautiful?"  He asked me when I didn't say anything else.

I swallowed before answering him. I closed my eyes, ashamed of what I was going to ask him.  What I wanted him to do would make me weak and vulnerable to him, but I needed something to ground me.

"Will you hold me?" I whispered softly.

Ezra didn't even hesitate. He moved in behind me and wrapped his arm around my waist to pull me into his warm body. I sighed as the tension left me when he pressed against me. He kissed the top of my head and breathed in deep against my skin. 

"I would do anything for you." Ezra whispered as I sunk further into him and began to slowly drift off into sleep.