I haven't been this nervous in years. I keep thinking that she won't remember me, and even if she does, she'll tell me that she hates me. The whole car ride here I kept thinking back to when she was living with me. I was a mess, and couldn't see what that was doing to my daughter. She was dirty, sad, and not as a kid should be. I was too selfish to change, and when I was arrested it was the best thing that could have happened to her. She's probably been living better in the system than she ever did with me. She's had good food, decent clothes, and better education.

That doesn't mean that I'm ready to throw in the towel. I want to work hard, I want to be Ava's whole family again, and take care of her the way a man should take care of his children.

Betsy Collins seems determined to keep me from my daughter if she can and I want to hate for that, for the way she belittled me on the car ride here, like I was some kind of child.

My mind was only half with her the whole time.  I had bigger problems to worry about after what happened at breakfast.

Turner means well, having me stay with him until I can get on my feet.  His wife is another story. She made it clear to me this morning that I was no longer welcome in their home since the baby was close to the due date.

She's giving me two weeks to pack up and get out.

Turner couldn't look at me once she laid down the law.  It wasn't his fault, it was his wife's but he was too pussy whipped to override her demands.  He just loves her too much and I guess if I was able to love a woman like that, I might understand.

My life is too messed up.  I can't commit to any kind of relationship.

I've forced myself to put my current living situation out of my mind as I sit here, waiting for Collins to retrieve my daughter. It's been twenty minutes, and I don't know what the hell is taking so long.  Then again DCF is out to inconvenience me and make me feel unwelcome here. 

It's not such a bad place. The grounds are really nice, and there's a giant playground in the back. The interior is nice, clean, and hundreds of finger paintings and drawings litter the hallways and the classrooms. This one, in particular, is Ava's classroom.   I noticed a couple of things that she made as I've been sitting here. One is a paint by numbers dragon, and the other is a drawing of a puppy. I want to rip them both down and take them home but figured Collins would probably catch on and nail me for theft. There's a lot of kids here too, so I'm sure Ava hasn't been too lonely, although I have no idea how good she is at making friends. I mean, I wouldn't know. I never paid attention to things like that before.

I feel like the scum of the earth, the worst father in the history of mankind.  As I've been sitting here, I've realized that I don't know my own daughter.  I bought her a Barbie doll. I don't even know if she likes Barbie dolls. I don't know what she likes, what she hates, what she's scared of...

Fuck.

The door creaks open, and it makes me forget my insecurities for the moment. I know she's finally arrived and sit taller in the chair, reach up and make sure my collar isn't messy, and ensure the bow I made on her gift is nice and straight.

I'm shaking, completely unprepared for this reunion.

Collins walks through the door first, looking back over her shoulder as she makes her way further into the room. "Come on, Ava," she smiles gently. "It's okay."

I shoot up from the chair, nearly knocking it over in the process, and almost drop the gift in my hand. I'm sweating and feel like I'm going to throw up.

I can't do this.

I can't do this.

My ten year old walks into the room seconds later, and I find that all of the stress and anxiety simple melts away. It's amazing to see her, how much she's grown, and how good she looks. She has color in her cheeks and a brightness in her blue eyes, unlike anything I've been able to see before. Her light brown hair isn't ratty, it's combed nicely and held back by a red headband that matches the sundress she's wearing today. She stops and stares at me, and all I can seem to do is stare back at her.

Her bottom lip trembles.  "Daddy?"

I feel like crying but stop myself. I have to be strong and composed because we're only going to get a few hours together. "Hey, Avi."

She sobs, and then races to me. I'm shocked, but it doesn't stop me from dropping her gift, crouching down, and catching in her in my arms as she reaches me. She wraps her arms tightly around my neck as I lift her off the ground like she'll never let go.  Then she just cries. She cries and cries like she's been waiting for this moment for years.

I guess she has been waiting for years. She never stopped loving me, even though DCF tried to play it off like she didn't care anymore.  I feel a renewed sense of hope light me up inside.

I have something to work towards now, really work hard for.

"Where were you!" She yells at me as she cries against my shoulder. "Why did you leave!"

I rub her back consolingly, laughing slightly, not being able to hold back a couple of tears that trail down my face. "I'm sorry, Ava," I whisper, and kiss her forehead and cheeks. "I...I didn't mean to leave you."

"Can we go now? Did you come to take me home?"

She's looking at me now as I wipe the tears off of her small face. She's so hopeful, wants to be with me as much as I want to be with her.  My gaze floats to Collins, who is sitting in the far corner of the room, looking absolutely bewildered at my daughter's reaction to all of this.

 "I'm working on it," I whisper and bend down to place her on the ground. "I'm going to work really hard to get us back home but for now, I'm going to come to see you every Saturday. How does that sound?"

She shakes her head. "But I want to go home now."

It kills me inside.  There's nothing I can do to give her what she wants. "I know you do but...you wouldn't want to live where I'm living right now anyway.  It's too small."

In two weeks it will be cold and dirty.

Because I'll be on the street.

Ava seems to understand, and takes my hand, clinging to it as she'll never let go.

"I got you something," I say as I pick the gift up with my free hand, and let her lead me over to the opposite corner of the room that has a couple of bean bag chairs to sit on. "It's not much but..."

A smile of delight takes over her face as she snatches it from me and rips it open.

Well, I guess that was a good idea.

"Oh Daddy!" She shrieks when she realizes what it is. "I wanted this one! I saw it on the TV!"

I realize that it doesn't matter how long I've been gone. She always kept me with her, in her heart, and I did the same. I help her get the doll out of its package, and we spend the next several hours playing with it.  We talk about her school, what she likes, and what she doesn't.  Ava tells me about her friends and teachers. I can tell she's starting to get into boys a little bit, as much as that freaks me out. She keeps talking about those Disney Channel kids and who she thinks is the cutest, but I guess I don't care what she talks about, as long as I get to spend the day with her. She picks out some books too and we read them together. It's amazing to hear her read to me as we lay on the floor mats together, Ava snuggled up against my chest. She's so smart, reads so well, and I'm thankful to the people who helped her along in life.

Of course, our happy time can't last forever.  Before I know it, Collins is standing above us, and that means our time together has run short.

"All right little girl," I sit up, and help her to stand up. "I have to go but I'll see you next week."

Her head tilts in confusion, the despair invading her expression.  "Why are you...why are you leaving, Daddy?"

I glance at Collins, infuriated. It's not fair. I mean, why do I only get five hours with my daughter? That's not nearly enough, but I don't want to start questioning DCF's methods in front of my daughter. She doesn't understand any of this, and that's not her fault.

"Well your Daddy has to go work, honey," Collins bullshits. "He has to make money so he can come to see you every week."

"No!" She yells. "No, I don't want you to leave again!" Ava throws her self at me and wraps her arms tightly around my legs. "Don't leave!"

I press my lips together, and glare at Collins again. "Satisfied?"

Collins sighs harshly and pulls a small walkie talkie off her waistband. "We're having an issue in room twelve."

"On my way."

It's a male voice, and I can't help but wonder what the hell she's doing. "Just leave it alone. I can stay for a little while longer."

"No." Collins shakes her head, as Ava continues to wail against my legs. "This is the time allotted, and there's nothing else I can do." She crouches down and smoothes her hand across Ava's shoulders. "Ava, honey...please try to understand."

"Get away from me!" She finally lets go of my legs and swats at her. "Leave me alone!"

For the first time in years, my parental sense takes over. I brush Collins aside then and crouch down to talk to my daughter, face to face. I put my hands on her shoulders, and shake her just a little bit. "Ava, listen to me."

"NO, I DON'T WANT YOU TO LEAVE ME!"

"AVA, STOP IT!"

She shuts up, and her eyes get really big. I hate yelling at the kid, and I know raising my voice isn't the best thing I could have done in front of Collins.  I want to get through to Ava before she can be ripped away from me though. I'm her father. 

 "Listen," I say it softer to Ava now, caressing her face gently, wiping more tears away. "I'm not leaving you. I'll never leave you again okay? I just have to work, and you have to go to school, but I'm coming back the same time next week. That's seven days. You can count them down, maybe pick out some books you want to read and games you want to play next Saturday. Okay?"

"Do you swear?" She whimpers.

I laugh gently and look down at the ground for a moment to regain my composure. "I pinky swear."

She sniffles loudly and holds up her pinky finger, and I laugh as I wrap mine around hers. "You believe me now?"

"You can't break a pinky swear," she says. "You get in big trouble."

I laugh out loud. "You're right. Miss Collins over there would probably ground me or something."

She rolls her eyes, just as the classroom door opens and a security type walks in.

"Everything okay Betsy?"

Collins sighs. "Yeah.  I think it's under control now, David. Sorry."

"You sure?" He looks at me uncertainly, like I'm scum.

I expect it.

"Yeah, we're just about to go out to the car. Could you please take Ava back to her room for me?"

"Sure thing."

"Come on, Ava. Say goodbye now," Collins says, impatiently.

"Bye, Daddy."

I wrap her up in my arms and hug her tightly for as long as I can before I feel someone tugging her away from me. I find that it's Collins, and try my best not to glare at her. "I love you, Ava."

"I love you too."

It's the last thing we're able to say to each other before she's lead out of the room by the security guard. She glances back at me for as long as she can before she's gently pushed through the door.  Then just like that, she's gone again.

"Well, I guess that didn't go as badly as it could have."

Collins says it but I barely acknowledge her comment. I'm too busy staring at the empty doorway, occasionally rubbing my face with my hands, trying hard not to lose my shit and break down crying.  Right now, the only thing I want to do is see my daughter.  Seven days seems like seven years, but I'll wait, and work hard because it's the only chance I have at this thing.

"Ready?"

She's standing there, with her stuff in her arms, ready to take me back to my life, whatever I have left of one anyway.  The minute I get back to Turner's I'll have to start packing and try to figure out where the hell I'm supposed to go. Collins can't know anything about it. If she finds out I've become homeless, she'll see to it that my visitation is revoked all over again. No, I'll have to li and make sure I'm in front of Turner's house every Saturday morning so she won't suspect anything. It will be hard, and if his wife sees me she'll freak out, but I'll do it for as long as I can. 

"Yeah," I croak.

We walk out to the car silently, and I say nothing to her when we both get in and she pulls away. I stare out the window, remembering the good times I had with my daughter today and nothing else.

"Ava seemed really happy to see you. I wasn't sure how she would react when I told her you had come to see her," Collins says after a while, her tone weak and unsure.

I shrug. I really don't care what she thinks.

"I um...I meant to tell you that I'm really sorry about what Preston did to you the other night. He doesn't think sometimes."

I roll my eyes. "That's nice. Feel better now?"

"No..."

"Just drop the act, all right? You didn't give a damn then, and I know you still don't."

"Fine. Forget it."

We ride on in silence, and I wish things to remain this way for the rest of the ride. There are too many questions brewing inside of me though.  Since Collins is the only person that has direct contact with my daughter every day, she's the only one who will have the answers for me. "Who buys her those outfits?"

A smile pulls at her lips.  "I bought her that one."

"You?"

She shrugs. "I don't have kids, and she's one of my favorites. I've gotten a few things for her, but I don't let her wear them unless she has a visit or something."

"What else do you do?"

She stares at me briefly, before focusing back on the road. "Sometimes I'll help her with her schoolwork. We took a few hours a week together when she first came to the center. She reads much better now than she did."

"Yeah. I saw that."

"She's smart. She'll be okay," Collins nods. "She just needs a little more stability. Today was a lot for her to grasp, I think."

"No kidding."

"I just...hope you don't let her down, that's all."

"You really have no faith in me at all, do you," I scoff.

"I'd like to."

"So what's stopping you?"

She laughs at me. "Jason, you don't even have a driver's license."

I scowl. "I did. It was revoked as part of my probation."

"Well can't you get it now?"

"Yeah."

"So what's stopping you?"

"Fuck, I don't know. Maybe it's because I wouldn't have car to drive even if I did have one!"

"What about your GED?"

"That's...I don't know..."

The truth is, school was never my strong point. I have trouble focusing, don't read all that well either. I mean, I can read, but I'm slower than most people. I dropped out of school when I was seventeen, and before that, I cut class so much that I barely grasped the lessons being taught. A GED would help a lot, I can't deny that.  Turner has been pushing me to take the classes since he met me.

I just haven't been motivated enough.

Up until now anyway.

"If you got your GED you could get a better paying job, you know? It would help your case," she says. "Maybe you should look into it."

"I have to work right now."

"There's night school. You're going to have to work really hard, Jason," she says. "I mean, you may think it but I don't want to see you fail. You don't seem so bad, and Ava obviously loves you. I underestimated the visit."

"DCF always underestimates everything."

"Maybe we do."

Did she agree with me just now?

"So let me see her an extra day next week."

"I can't."

"Why not? You seem to be the one in charge of her right now."

"I am, but I can't go against the court ruling. I could be fired for that," she explains. "There's nothing I can do, Jason. It's six months and then the judge might let you start seeing her more if you meet the requirements. Focus on that for now."

"This is bullshit," I grunt. "And you know it is."

"She wouldn't be where she is if you'd made different decisions in your life. Don't forget that."

I shut my mouth and look away from her again, the scowl pinching my jaw. Of course, she's right, but she doesn't have to throw it in my face. "You're probably going to try and get her adopted when I'm not around anyway. Am I right?"

"I still have to conduct those visits, yes. It's required by the state. If you were arrested, or something were to happen to you during this process, we would still want to have families lined up to take her. It's only fair to Ava."

It's not what I want to hear.  The emotions pulse inside me, threatening to break me down and that's the last thing I want to do in front of Collins. I can't give her the satisfaction, can't let her know how much I hate myself for everything I've done to Ava.

I try so hard to hold it all back from her, but my strength runs out.  The tears fall from my eyes, gliding down my cheeks.  I pray Collins won't notice.  When we pull up to Turner's house, I quickly get out of the car and do my best to get away from her.

"Hold on a second."

I'm almost to the front door now, but I know I have to listen to her. I slowly turn around and wipe the tears from my face. "What?"

She sighs, and walks over to me, opening the notebook she's been carrying with her and pulling a piece of paper out of it. "Here."

She hands it to me. It's the picture of the puppy that I was looking at earlier. The one Ava drew. "Why are you giving it to me?"

"Because you deserve it. I'll see you in a week. Think about what I said about the GED courses."

Then she leaves, wordlessly, beeping at me twice before she drives away.

As I want to hate her, this makes it extremely hard. Now that Collins has seen me interact with Ava, she thinks of me differently.  She wants me to help myself, wants me to succeed.  Her apology seemed genuine and then she gives me a piece of Ava, something I haven't had in years. I don't know if I can trust her or if I can consider her a friend.

The only thing I know for sure, is that Ava will always be in good hands as long as Betsy Collins is around, and that makes me feel good, reassured that while I'm suffering, my daughter won't be.

That's all I've ever wanted, after all.