"When you bury
the pain you only
strengthen its roots."

~~Beau Taplin
~'Sunlight'

****************

~~Jay~~

Lexi had slept all night and into the afternoon, leaving me alone to pace the house in anxious silence. Her frail body was covered with a light sheen of sweat as her body tried to rid itself of whatever toxins she had forced into it. The blanket that I had draped over her kept her covered but I knew what lay hidden beneath it and the shock still hadn't worn off. It was the last thing that I had expected from her.

Her sudden appearance and distressed condition had caused me to skip my usual morning jog, opting for just a shower instead. As steam filled the bathroom and trailed down my body, I closed my eyes and thought about the woman who had shown up out of the blue. We had been in the Marines together, performing our duties side by side with our squad.

She had been one of the corporals beneath me, but despite rank I have never seen them as beneath me. Lexi had taken on my role as Sergeant after I had been discharged, leading them for over a year before the entire squad was decommissioned. It seemed as if I had instilled a sense of disobedience among the squad's soldiers, and apparently a habit for stupidity.

Lexi and I had crossed paths close to a year ago, and she had told me about her addiction then but had been sober. The temptation had still been there, and since I had been struggling with my own cravings for the forbidden, we had helped each other. Together we had served as the other's distraction, and it had been enjoyable. Being one of the few women whose name I bothered to remember that could also handle what I liked, it had been an easy outlet for me.

The day she had cut out had been a mutual thing, neither of us wanting more than it had been. I told her I'd see her around, but this... had not been what I had expected. The woman I was looking at now was a fragile version of the strong woman I had served with, her vices getting the best of her. My mind swirled with questions, going over every bit of information I had about the life she had led after the Marines. I came up with nothing solid, and the one potential theory that kept coming to the front was one I refused to even consider.

I didn't get any sleep that night and ignored every call and text that came to my phone as morning turned into afternoon. The birthday party for the twins was going to start in just a couple of hours but I couldn't bring myself to leave. The possibility that something could happen to her in such a compromised state kept me rooted to my spot across from her, watching and waiting for signs of consciousness.

By the time she began to stir, the mid afternoon sun was filtering through the blinds onto her pale face, and my elbows propped on bouncing knees. A yawn stretched her face as her eyes blinked several times, her mind taking in her surroundings. When green orbs landed on my face, Lexi grew very still and her breaths became shallow.

"Ser-Sergeant?" she questioned with confusion, a spark of panic flashing in her eyes.

"Lexi," I replied, deciding not to correct her on my current lack of title.

"What...," she turned her head to absorb the room, "What am I doing here?"

"I was hoping you could tell me that," I answered, willing my legs to be still as I studied her. "You're the one that showed up on my porch yesterday."

A look of distress appeared on her face and she turned away, her fingers toying with a thread on the blanket. She made no move to get up, instead drawing her legs closer to her body.

"Are you going to tell me why you came here?" I inquired only to continue when she didn't respond. "How about, what are you on?"

"N-nothing," she stammered in denial, still refusing to look at me as she shook her head.

"Lies," I countered in a tone that made her flinch. "What about... your situation?"

Lexi let out an unladylike snort, her defensive walls instantly going up as she glared at me.

"My situation?" she sneered. Her hands fisting the blanket, her muscles tensing.

"Who did it?" I asked, changing tactics but hoping for the same result.

"No one," she scoffed indignantly.

"You didn't do that by yourself," I shot back, my own impatience showing through. "Why are you being so defensive, Lex? It's me you're talking to."

"Yeah, that's the problem," she muttered under her breath as if she thought I couldn't hear it. "It doesn't matter, Jay. I'll just go and you can go back to your normal... whatever."

She stood on shaky legs, the blanket falling away and drawing my eyes to the topic in question. I was on my feet before she could reach the end of the couch.

"Harris!" I called, raising the volume of my voice and using the tone of command I had used as her Sergeant.

She stopped but didn't turn around, her hands clenched into fists at her sides. "Let it go, Serge... it's not your problem."

"Tell me who," I demanded instead. "Give me a name, Harris."

When she finally turned her head to look over her shoulder at me, her green eyes were bright with tears. "It's a soup sandwich, Serge, and it's my fault, so stop asking."

"Corporal," I growled in warning.

The longer she evaded the question, the more jumbled my mind became. I wasn't used to feeling like this and it pissed me off. Her refusal to answer had my previous suspensions rearing up and consuming the forefront of my brain.

"You don't want to hear it any more than I want to say it," she whispered as tears slipped down her face. "Just let me go and it'll be okay."

"No." I wasn't sure if I was talking to her or the conclusion bursting in my head.

Lexi let out a heavy sigh and finally turned around, the reluctance clear on her face. I needed her to say it, needed to hear what my mind had pieced together. Her appearance, the estimated time in which it had happened based on her current state, along with her evasion, it all pointed to the same thing. For the first time in my life, I wondered if I would be able to accept a lie if I saw it in her eyes, because the truth... this truth? I didn't know what to do with it.

"You, James," she admitted in barely a whisper. "It was you."

I stood there for a long time, not moving and barely breathing as I stared down at Lexington Harris, a woman from my past that was now consuming my present. There were no words to describe what I was feeling, not a single emotion to encompass the sheer number of reactions that my mind was failing to comprehend. The distant chime of my phone caused a portion of my brain to kick into drive and I stepped around her.

"Take a shower, eat something, watch TV," I instructed, picking up my keys and ignoring the ringing of my phone. "But don't leave."

"Serge-" Lexi started to argue but I whipped my head around to face her and the look I gave shut her up.

"Don't. Leave."

Lexi looked away and nodded, the act making me distrust her future choices. Without a second thought, I opened the security panel by the front door and pressed a few keys before slapping it closed again. If she left or even tried to leave, I would know it, but for the time being... I had to get away. Not once in two years did I ever expect to rush to a place where the one person I wanted to avoid would undoubtedly be. But I couldn't stop myself from doing just that...

●●●●

There were several cars parked in Kas's driveway and I knew without going inside exactly who was there. My heart was still pounding in my chest like a jack hammer, and my hands were clenched so tight around the wheel that my knuckles were white. I knew I needed to go inside, already late, but I couldn't bring myself to move.

Multiple calls and texts from both Kas and Mason told me they had noticed, but my brain couldn't waste the few functional cells to answer. There was a house full of people, a little boy and girl most likely laughing and playing, full of joy. My current mindset would do nothing but dampen the happy atmosphere.

But I can't go home... not yet...

I scrubbed a hand over my face and flipped the visor down to examine my face. Dark circles and the skin around my eyes was tight, both indicators that I wasn't okay. My hair was in disarray, falling into my eyes and yesterday's t-shirt and jeans were wrinkled as if they'd been slept in. They hadn't been, but they weren't exactly inviting.

Get out of the fucking car, Jay, and make an appearance.

Now that I was there, I was dreading going inside, regretting ever coming at all. How was I supposed to face them like this? I had never been like this, none of my family had seen me twisted and bent out of shape in such a way. Laughing and covered in blood? Yeah, that was normal. Scatterbrained and anxious as fuck? No.. not even a little bit.

Taking a deep breath and exhaling slowly, I scrubbed a hand over my face and steeled myself at what was to come. I had faced death a hundred times with a smile. A birthday party for one year olds with my family and Alexander West would be a piece of cake.

●●●●

Wrong...

Kas had been furious but hadn't made a scene in front of everyone, not that I cared, other than the children at least. Both of them had given me strange looks that I pretended I hadn't noticed, apologizing for being late. Lingering in the doorway, I felt his gaze and knew he was there without even making eye contact.

I did my best to focus on the twins, Maddox with his jet black hair and slate gray eyes and Harlow with her long, chestnut locks and big, brown eyes. They both looked like their fathers, being a rare exception to human physiology and being part of a phenomenon known as heteropaternal superfecundation. In other words, they were fraternal twins with two separate fathers. It was a very unique occurrence, but perfectly fitting for the happy trio.

Much to my dismay, little Mad noticed me hiding in the corner and waddled towards me, drawing most everyone's attention as he held out a brand new toy truck. I hesitated for a moment before I crouched in front of him and gave him all of my attention. The boy plopped onto the floor in front of me, babbling rapidly and pointing to the truck. Minutes later, Harlow joined us, dumping a container filled with pretend kitchenware on top of Mad's truck.

"Hi, Lolo," I greeted the tiny girl who grinned up at me.

As I watched, she picked up the toy kitchen knife and pointed it in my direction. "Day! Day Day!"

"Good job, Princess!" Kas laughed, scooping her into his arms and making her giggle. "Yep, that's Jay."

"Why the knife?" I asked with a frown, confused about what had just happened.

Kas rolled his eyes. "She remembers your knife, the one that's usually in your boot that you had to stop wearing over here. And now she can say your name."

"That's what that was?" Benjamin Crowe interjected, sounding almost fascinated although it was hard to tell with him.

"Yeah, he's Uncle Day Day now," Anika teased and I shot her a dirty look, making her laugh even more.

The whole time, I could feel eyes boring into my skull and making goosebumps erupt on my arms. Normally, I would have been able to shut it out but Lexi's revelation had floored me. I was struggling to maintain my normal don't-give-a-fuck attitude, the mask nearly slipping more than once. An hour went by and I somehow managed to control the chaos inside my head and focus on the twins, except for Alex lingering at the edge of my peripheral no matter where I stood.

When given the chance, I slipped from the room and out onto the back patio, the silence a heavenly relief as I sat in a lawn chair and buried my face in my hands. I needed to figure out what I was going to do, decide whether or not I believed Lexi's claim. She had no reason to lie, nothing to gain from it because she knew I would need proof before a dime left my hand to hers. I didn't trust people, a natural side effect from life in general, not to mention the path I'd chosen to walk.

"Can we talk?" a hesitant voice asks, my body tensing.

"No."

I didn't want to talk to him, look at him, or be near him. I couldn't... especially right now...

"Come on, Jay..."

"I said no," I growled, my hands clutching my hair to keep myself still.

"We nee-"

"Nothing!" I snarled through clenched teeth. "Go away, West."

"So, that's how it's going to be?" He gave a humorless laugh. "You do realize we run in the same circles, right? I'll always be around."

Jesus fuck, don't say that.

I kept my words to myself, hoping he would give up and go away. He needed to stay away from me... some things just didn't need to happen. Unfortunately, he couldn't read my mind and I heard his footsteps as he moved closer. The moment his hand touched my shoulder, I lost it. Twisting out of the chair, I caught him by surprise and had him pinned against the back of the house a few feet away.

One hand was around his throat, not tight enough to cut off his air supply, and I could feel his pulse racing beneath my finger tips. Alex was almost my height, a couple inches shy, which put my face nearly level with his. Both of our chests were heaving as if we'd sprinted a mile as I let my nose slowly glide along his jaw until my mouth was at his ear.

"I'll rip you apart, Alex," I said, my voice low and I felt his pulse jump beneath my hand. "Stay. Away."

His breath was hot against my skin, the sensation making me briefly close my eyes. I needed to get away from him, leave Kas's house before I did something I'd regret. The prick of a blade tickled my ribs through my shirt and I couldn't stop the dark smile when I realized what he had done. He was treading on dangerous ground.

"And if I refuse?" Alex asked, a hint of nervousness making his voice tremble.

I drew in a deep breath through my nose, filling my lungs with him, the hurricane of emotions inside my head doing stupid things to my self control. Fortunately, the alarm on my phone made the decision for me, and I shoved away from him, hastily pulling the device from my pocket.

Swiping my fingers over the screen, I cursed at the security footage glaring back at me. The motion detectors had gone off the moment my living room window had broken free of its seal and I was watching as Lexi carefully climbed out onto my porch. She had one of my bags thrown over her shoulder, most likely stocked with whatever she thought she could use.

"Who's that?" Alex asked, reminding me he was right there.

"No one," I lied, returning the phone to my pocket and striding towards the door. "Go back to the party, West."

"Hey! Wait a minute," Alex called after me but I didn't turn around as I made my way through the house. "Jay!"

Kas must have heard the commotion or come looking for me because I met him in the hallway. His face was impassive as he looked from me to Alex, who I knew had followed me inside.

"You good?" Kas asked, the same puzzlement dancing in his dark eyes.

"Something's come up, I've gotta go," I explained, not taking the time to slow down.

"Holla if you need me, fam," he said without missing a beat, heading back to the entertainment room.

Alex followed me out to my SUV, yanking the door out of my hand before I could close myself inside.

"Are you ever going to tell me why you hate me so much?" Alex asked, barely masking the hurt beneath the words.

Mentally punching myself in the face for ever thinking I should come here, I just shook my head.

"I never said I hated you," I told him, finally meeting his marble green eyes before tugging the door away from his suddenly slack grip.

I left the driveway, glancing in the mirror only once to find him still standing there dumbstruck. It didn't matter, none of that did right then, just that I had to get home. Lexi was gone when I arrived, the window carefully closed behind her as if she'd never been there. Other than a few missing things, there were no traces of Lexi anywhere. Until I found the note resting on my pillow.

Serge,

This wasn't what I wanted and I'm sorry you had to see me like that. I never wanted you to and if I'm honest, I never planned for you to know anything about it. You didn't ask for this and I don't expect anything so don't concern yourself. You and I, we weren't cut out for this, our choices only more proof of that. Go on with your life, and be happy. This child deserves better than our darkness.

All my love,

Lex

I stared at the words, reading them again and again before crushing it in my fist. Disbelief warred with anger and relief, a dichotomy of emotions that left me reeling. For once, I had no idea what I should do next, no plan forming in my mind. Should I find her? Hunt her down? Take care of the woman that was pregnant with a child that may or may not be mine? Did I want it to be mine? Could I live with myself if I did nothing at all? Always wondering 'what if'?

What the hell am I supposed to do now?

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A/N: I'd really like to hear your thoughts on the story so far.

I've got 20 chapters in total written so far and I'll publish chapter 4 when I finish chapter 21. Make sense?

I don't want to get too far ahead of myself and freak out lol. So I'll publish one as I finish another and as usual that will change once I finish writing the entire book.

~SM~