"In his face there came
to be a brooding peace
that is seen most often
in the faces of the very sorrowful or the very
wise. But still he
wandered through the
streets of the town, always silent and alone."

~~Carson McCullers

***************

~~Jay~~

Despite the early morning hours, the air was warm, even for the month of August. I could detect the light scent of rain to come as my feet steadily hit the concrete, a thin layer of sweat coating my skin. Music blasted from the tiny speakers nestled in my ears as I jogged the same route I did every morning, my lungs barely feeling the strain. The streets were quiet and empty except for the occasional fellow jogger, most houses silent as the sky remained dark. It was my favorite time of day, the calm moments before the world came to life and I could count myself among the normal people of the city.

It wasn't true though, because I wasn't normal, at least not what most considered normal. Then again, who I had become was not the same person I had been 3 years ago. I'd made choices, some had been mistakes, that hadn't been the best or had the greatest outcomes. There was no going back, although sometimes I wished I could, if only to erase moments that never should have existed to begin with. Instead, they stayed trapped inside my twisted mind, festering in the darkness.

I portrayed myself as strong, emotionally untouchable, devoid of a conscience. Those things were true, for the majority of the human population, and I had accepted that fact long ago. However, I wasn't a cruel man, not to the innocent at least, but many of my pleasures would be perceived as horrors to others.

The first few years of my adult life had been spent in the Marines, earning myself the position of Sergeant with a squad of my own. For a while, it sated my cravings for bloodshed, soothed the monster that begged for the screams of vile men. It wasn't until the order came to infiltrate and destroy a village, consisting of women and children more than anything else, that it no longer did the trick. That was a choice I would never regret.

It led me to a young girl, hellbent on protecting her family after a horrible night had changed her world. She was fierce and loyal, but didn't let her demons snuff out the spark of life and energy she still had. Joining her, and the Southside Crew, was another choice I'd never wish to take back. As unexpectedly as it was, they had become my family, just as much as my own blood was. For them, I would do or give anything.

The cool drops of rain hitting my flushed skin brought me out of my reverie and into reality, and I found myself almost to my driveway. Mentally slapping myself for getting distracted, I jogged up the steps and inside, suddenly starving. The past was in the past and it needed to stay there. Nothing good would come of remembering.

A solo sparring session and a protein shake later, I jumped in the shower to finish getting ready for my day. For the last year, each day had started the same, and it was both a blessing and a curse. I was growing restless without the violence that had come with being part of the Southside.

My phone rang as I was lacing up my boots and I put it on speaker when I saw Mason's name lighting up the screen.

"What's up, kid?" I greeted him.

"Are you ever going to stop calling me that?" Mason asked with a bit of humor and irritation.

"Probably not," I answered as I moved about my bedroom, gathering my things to leave.

"Whatever," he sighed through the phone and I knew he rolled his eyes. "Anyway, I know it's early but Craig wants this done with Marcus today. Something about having a wedding this weekend, I don't know. When are you going to The Box?"

The Box was a place that the Southside had used for our investigations or if someone broke the rules and needed a time out. Okay, it wasn't that vanilla, not by a long shot. Needless to say, it was my favorite workplace and I had a lot of sadistic memories in that room. Two years ago, Mason had been convinced, or coerced if you asked me, to join the FBI, and since then The Box had been recommissioned. I had refused to leave the kid to field the government playgrounds alone and had 'convinced' them to include me once I had gotten back on my feet.

"I'm actually on my way out now," I answered, locking my house up after arming the security system. "Want a ride?"

"Nah, I'm still... uh, getting ready..." Mason stammered and I caught the light, teasing voice of Anika in the background, her words lost over the line. "I-I'll meet you there."

He hung up and I shook my head, swallowing back the twinge of envy that flickered in my mind. I wanted my makeshift family to be happy, but it wasn't something that I hoped for in regards to myself. Letting my guard down and allowing something that close to me?... no, that was a weakness I would never give in to. Sex was a different story, a primal instinct that I wouldn't deny myself or the sadistic monster that prowled inside me.

A memory flashed in my mind, a pair of eyes like marble bright with laughter, and the sound was like a distant echo in my head. My hand clenched around the steering wheel and I put more pressure on the gas, needing a distraction sooner than expected. The strings of antagonizing banter played like a song, a shiver going down my spine and making my jaw clench.

"Fuck!" I cursed, slamming on the brakes to keep from rear ending a minivan.

My heart was racing so fast I thought I would beat out of my chest, my breaths coming fast. It had been a while since I had almost been in a wreck. The last time had been two years ago, had almost killed me, but I hadn't seen it coming. This near hit was not an experience I wanted to repeat.

"God dammit, James! Get a hold of yourself!" I snarled under my breath, giving an apologetic wave to the driver glaring at me through her rear view mirror. "You don't need to die today."

I managed to make it to the warehouse in one piece and also without killing anyone along the way. As expected, the gravel lot was empty, and it would remain that way. This was the same warehouse that was used for the weekly fight nights, also known as the Circle. Rory, or Aurora Rivers and the woman that had led the Southside Crew during our reign of power, had kept them going even after taking down the man that had previously owned the place. It was a good place to make some quick cash and shed some blood, so I loved it.

Punching in the security code, I let myself into the back entrance, my eyes taking a moment to adjust to the dim surroundings. It was a cavernous space, especially when the warehouse was empty like it was now. Some trash and bet stubs from the last Circle littered the concrete floor, along with darker stains here and there. They could have been from anything.

Moving through the room, my booted steps echoing off the walls, I descended the steps into the basement and put in the code that would let me into the hidden space, or The Box. One side of the room was decorated with computer monitors, a large desk, and other electronic devices, which was a clear indicator of it being Mason's side of things. The opposite side was much... darker if you want the truth.

Various knives and other types of blades rested in cases or on trays, including a small tray of surgical instruments, the scalpel freshly sharpened. There was also a dresser with extra clothes, a sink and sanitizing station. A shower had been placed in the corner, a newer addition in case things got... extra tense. It happened a time or two, so I figured if I was going to do this for a living, be a 'consultant' for the government, I might as well be prepared.

I pushed all other thoughts away as I picked up the tray of surgical instruments and approached the door at the far side of the room. My lips twitched, a hint of a smile tugging at them from the thrill of what I was about to do. Maybe I would get lucky and the bastard wouldn't turn rat today either.

●●●●

I let out a heavy sigh, my activities beginning to bore me as I looked at the man in front of me. He was pathetic and a poor waste of my skills, especially since he caved before I even got a full eight hours in. Unfortunately for him, he was also completely useless, his inability to provide new information instantly signing his death sentence. I had hoped to get a little more play time for the waste of space.

Shaking my head at the passed out man while eyeing the shallow cuts on his torso that still lightly trickled blood, I picked up the cloth from the table beside me. I wiped the crimson substance from the scalpel blade and tossed the object back onto the tray with its counterparts with disappointment. There hadn't even been enough time to let me get excited. He had been no fun at all.

Exiting the room, I made sure the lock engaged before turning around to meet a pair of icy blue eyes filled with humor. Of course the kid would find this entertaining...

"Did you get all that?" I asked, feigning indifference as I moved to the sink to wash the remaining blood from my hands. "Not that it'll be of any use."

"Yeah, I've already sent it to Craig," Mason said, referring to his FBI unit chief while still biting back a grin. "She won't be happy but it can't be helped."

I didn't respond as I turned back around and crossed the room to where I had left my stuff on the couch. It was hard to believe the man I was looking at was the same kid I had worked with for years. Life hadn't been kind to him and I had been lucky to have been forgiven for the part I had played in his suffering a couple of years ago. It hadn't been pleasurable for me either, but my actions had changed him and our family forever. Most reasons they knew, but one was an excuse I could barely admit to myself.

"Hey, are you listening to me?" Mason asked, sounding irritated.

"No." It was a simple but honest answer and I was rewarded with a scowl.

"I said... are you coming to the party tomorrow?" Mason repeated, giving me a pointed look.

"No." Again, simple and honest. Why bother with an explanation that wouldn't change the facts.

Mason gave me an incredulous look. "Are you serious? Come on, man. It's the twins' first birthday! You can't miss it! We're all going to be there."

"Who is 'all'?" I inquired, stopping in front of the door that would let me leave.

I had a feeling I already knew the answer, which is why I had said no to begin with. Kas was one of the few people I considered a friend, a brother really. We had worked together for the Southside crew for years, and had remained as such even after that stage of our lives was over. The birth of his twins with his partners, Andi and Bryce, had been a bright spot in our world filled with darkness. It still surprised me to think of Kas as a father, as violent as he could be, but he was happy. He adored his lovers and their children, which made him more dangerous in the end.

"The crew," Mason began to list off on his hand, referring to the inner Southside members, "Rory and Ben, Dylan of course, Anika and I," he still blushed when thinking of the girl even after two years, "and a couple of other friends. No big deal."

I heard the nuance of fluctuations in his tone, and my eyes narrowed. Crowds and celebrations weren't my thing, and certain places I tended to avoid all together. People weren't exactly excited to have me at happy things anyway, since I wasn't a ray of sunshine and glittery unicorn shit I guess.

"Mason..." I said with a hint of warning, not interested in mind games or whatever trick he was trying to pull. "Childish antics are beneath you."

The kid rolled his eyes. "You can't be serious, Jay. That was like, what... three years ago? Get over it."

"Some people just piss me off more than others." I turned away, unwilling to discuss it further. "Tell Kas I'll think about it."

"And tell Anika 'hello'?" he asked in a way that wasn't actually a question because he already knew the answer.

"And don't forget about training this weekend," I reminded him as I punched in the code that would unlock the door. "We aren't rescheduling again, kid."

I heard a muffled response as the heavy door closed behind me, most likely a sarcastic knowing him. As I walked to my car, my thoughts wandered to the twins in discussion. Maddox and Harlow, two unique babies that had changed all of us, our lives and our plans for the future. They were a permanent link between the Southside Crew and the Crowe Mafia Family.

Kids were something I wasn't sure I would ever be ready for. They needed a lot of time and attention, energy that I wasn't sure I would be able to provide. Children needed upbeat personalities and a positive mindset to thrive. Those were all things that I considered myself to be the opposite of.

My phone rang a few minutes before I pulled into my driveway, Kas's name flashing on the screen. No doubt he had already talked to Mason and now planned to give me shit until I agreed.

Why did I make friends again? I silently asked myself as I answered the call.

"Yes?" I greeted Kas calmly.

"You're seriously not going to come see the twins tomorrow?" he practically shouted, not bothering with a polite greeting either. "What the fuck, Jay?"

"That's not what I said," I corrected casually, turning the car onto my street. "I told Mason I would think about it."

"With you, that's the same as saying you're not coming," Kas sneered, and I could picture him pacing whatever room he was in. "Give me one good reason you won't come."

"Maybe I can't," I suggested, already knowing he wouldn't believe me.

Kas scoffed. "'Can't' isn't a word I would ever associate with you. Nothing stops the Mr. Jay I know when he truly wants to do something."

"That's a bit dramatic," I replied, fighting an eye roll, "especially since I didn't say I wasn't going."

"Fuck you," he growled. "I'm not dramatic. This is about my kids, Jay. My kids, not Susie down the street or who the fuck ever. Mine."

"I know that."

"Are they not family just as much as I am?" Kas asked, knowing the right buttons to push. "Is that why you don't want to come?"

"That's low, brother," I said, my fingers itching to throttle my friend. "You know that's not the case."

"Then, I'll see you at four?" I could hear the triumph in his voice, knowing he'd won before I had even confirmed anything.

"I'll try not to stab you before cake is served."

"Sounds kinky," Kas responded flirtatiously.

I pulled into my driveway and a frown instantly formed on my lips when my gaze landed on the body slumped on my porch.

"You can't handle me, Kas," I shot back, my eyes never leaving the unwelcome guest. "Your lovers definitely can't."

Kas laughed as if he'd already forgotten he'd been pissed at me three minutes ago. "Is that a challenge?"

"Maybe some other time. I gotta go."

"What's-" Kas started to ask but I hung up before I heard the question.

Killing the engine, I sat there for a moment, watching the seemingly lifeless body. A nest of tangled brown hair obscured the woman's face but I knew who she was, the tattoo on her forearm a dead giveaway even from inside my car. After all, I had been there when she had gotten it. I hadn't seen her in a while, but her current condition was a sign that she clearly wasn't doing well.

Letting out a breath, I slipped my phone back into my pocket and climbed out, the warm evening air washing over me. My movements were near silent as I crossed the yard and went up the low steps onto the front porch, crouching down. I let my eyes trail over her figure, her arms thin and skin pale inside her oversized clothes. There were bruises on the inside of her elbow, the color stark compared to the rest of her.

Gently, I moved the hair away from her face and clenched my teeth at how sunken her face had become. She groaned at the contact of my fingers, stirring restlessly. Whatever drugs she was on had done a number on her, the evidence clear when she managed to crack her eyes open. A smile formed on her chapped lips as she managed to focus on me as much as her glazed orbs could manage.

"Jaaaay..." she sighed, a bit slurred as if she were drunk.

"Lexi... what are you doing here?" I asked, keeping my voice calm and slow as if she were a small child.

Lexi giggled, her eyes slipping closed again as her hands clumsily reached for me. Her slim fingers managed to snag on my shirt, surprising strength fisting the fabric.

"I wanted to see you, daddy," she giggled, her eyes still closed.

"Don't call me that," I told her, my frown deepening at her behavior.

Lexi giggled again. "But... you are... Daaaddyy..."

"Lexi, come on. You need to get up," I said, taking her head in my hands and raising my voice to a firmer octave. Her eyes fluttered open and her smile widened a fraction, her next exhale confirming that she had in fact been drinking. The stench of vodka caused me to wrinkle my nose. "What have you done to yourself?"

My words seemed to wake her up a bit more and she dramatically rolled her eyes. "No... what did yoouu do to myself? It's your fault... dick..." She giggled again at her own nonsense. "But good duck... best duck... ever..."

I stared at her, fascinated and appalled all at once. She snorted a laugh and tried to sit up, her glassy brown eyes widening with laughter. "I said duck... do you have a duck? Ooh. Can I see your duck, Sergeant?"

"Okay, you need to sleep it off," I said, the unwelcome reminder of my military days grating on my nerves.

Lexi giggled as I carefully pulled her to her feet, my arm going around her waist when she lost her balance. It was then that I realized something and a string of curses rolled off my tongue. Nothing about the day had gone as planned, and this was just the icing on the cake.

You just had to complain to the universe about being bored, didn't you, Mr. Jay? Someone might actually die before the end of the night.

********************

A/N: Thoughts?

I'll have another chapter up soon.

Thanks for reading!

XOXO❤🖤

~SM~