Seventeen

          “-and you know what? She’s fucking gone, Sloane. She’s gone and all you do is sit there, not saying anything being a stupid bitch! She’s dead and you won’t even look at me! You did nothing! You could have saved her!”

            I don’t dare say a word.

            “Cole,” Jagger sighs. From the corner of my eye I see him put an arm around his friend but he shrugs it off. Cole is seething. I’ve never seen somebody look so tense – so torn – physically before.

            “Fuck off!” Cole shouts. “Fuck off! Fuck off! Fuck off!”

            Nobody says anything.

            Jack hangs back near the hood of the Hummer, holding onto the toddler’s hand so lightly that he could instead be touching fire. I haven’t moved since the boys approached, and since I haven’t opened my mouth once.

            What can I say? Emily’s dead, soon to either be completely devoured or turned into a zombie. I tried to save her, I really did, but I failed. And telling Cole that won’t change anything and it definitely won’t bring her back. Of course I feel bad, but I feel worse because I can’t remember that Emily was somehow my best friend and now she’s dead.

            I only remember her as a bitch.

            On top of all this, what can I say to anyone? I was lied to about who I was and who I knew. Emily was my best friend and she treated me like I was worthless to her. No one dared tell me about it, no one said they knew me personally, and I stupidly believed them.

            Then there’s Jagger. He was something to me, but the more I think about it, the angrier I am.

            “She’s going to turn into a zombie,” Cole mutters quietly.

            Jagger doesn’t hear him clearly. “What?”

            “She’s going to turn into a zombie!” he screeches.

            No one has anything to say to that.

            A small part of me wonders what it’s like, having someone you know turn into a zombie. Do they remember you? Do they try to resist? Are they still that person, even though they can’t speak or act human?

            I close my eyes.

            Too much happened too fast. I don’t know how to react to all the emotional that swirl inside me, so I just act like I’m numb. I don’t want to feel the loss of someone I knew, and someone who at a time was important to me. I don’t want to feel the sorrow for Cole, because he just lost someone he loved. I don’t want to feel the anger towards the world, towards the zombies, towards are group, for screwing everything up.

            “Where are you going?” Jagger calls.

            I open my eyes and turn my head slightly towards the others for the first time. Across the dust, Cole is clenching a gun in his hand as he marches towards the gas station, his shoulders hunched in fury. He looks vengeful, hence why Jagger is chasing after him.

            “She may still be alive,” Cole calls, not turning around. His voice sounds so broken. “I need to go in there and do something!”

            Jagger catches his shoulder and swings Cole around despite his obvious resistance. When I see his face, my heart sinks. Its red, the kind of colour you turn when you cry.

            Jagger’s words are quiet but I can still hear them. “She’s gone, Cole.”

            Cole collapses onto his knees and covers his face with his palms.

            I never thought I would ever see Cole like this. And watching him, despite how he just screamed at me, makes me want to comfort him. But I don’t know how and it’s clear I’m unwanted, so I turn my gaze away and stare at the warm dashboard of the Hummer.

            Jagger speaks to Cole for a while and Jack just stands in front of the Hummer, looking at the ground. Briefly our eyes meet once, but as quickly as they do, we both turn away. Everything is too uncomfortable.

            “Jack,” Jagger hollers.

            Jack snaps his head up as the toddler spins circles around his legs. Jagger signals for him to come over so first Jack heads towards me. He refuses to lift the boy up so I have to grab him instead, watching Jack leave before I’m even back in the Hummer.

            For whatever reason, this behavior worries me. Jack has always been so scared and upset all the time that when he’s silent, just after a death, it’s completely out of character. He’s reacting in a way that isn’t normal for him, and that’s concerning.

            I don’t get to say anything to him because by the time I realize it, he and Jagger are passing Cole who’s lying on the ground, curled in the fetal position. They enter the gas station without him and I already know what they’re going to do.

            They’re going to shoot what’s left of Emily.

            The infant shifts in my lap but I’m too numb to care. He’s restless and I fight him, trying to absently hold on to him until I finally get fed up and sit him in the back seat. I don’t turn around.

            For a while, I hear him climbing over things and watch Cole shake on the ground. When I can’t stand to look at him again, I stare inattentively at my lap, trying to pretend that I’m not here and what just happened didn’t.

            There’s a small thump and the small child starts wailing, having hurt himself.

            I still don’t turn around.

            In the gas station, gun shots quickly ring out. With every bang I flinch even though I’m prepared to hear them. I can only imagine what it must look like inside, what it must feel like to have to kill someone you know, even though they aren’t really alive to kill at all.

            When Jack and Jagger come out of the gas station, Jack walks past Cole and towards me, while Jagger stops beside him. He slowly bends his knees until he’s closer to him and rests a comforting hand on his shoulder. His lips are moving, saying something and Cole briefly stops shaking.

            I continue to watch until Jack climbs into the driver’s seat of the Hummer and shuts the door.

            Neither of us says anything for a long time, and Jagger stays with Cole. I don’t know if it’s because he’s consoling him or because he’s scared he will do something stupid like he originally intended, but regardless, he stays there until the sun sets.

            I had no intention of speaking, no will to say anything to anyone after everything that’s happened, but for whatever reason, I can’t stop thinking of Emily being dead.

            “So she’s gone,” I whisper hoarsely. My throats dry from no water or speaking for hours. Jack doesn’t move for a few moments and I start to wonder if he heard me.

            “She was already gone when we got there, Sloane.”

            I lower my head and try to ignore the alarm bells about the tone of Jack’s voice.

            “So she’s not…” I trail off and Jack turns towards me. I’m scared to meet his eyes so I continue to stare at my legs.

            “She’s a zombie,” Jack explains, his voice annoyed. “She was already changed when we got there.”

            I turn to him, confused. “But I heard gone shots. I thought you shot her.” Neither of us dares to say Emily’s name. It’s as if saying her name is some kind of curse because she’s no longer living.

            “We shot the others,” he shrugs, turning his gaze towards the windshield. Night has completely wiped away any remaining sun. “We’re leaving her locked in there until Cole decides what to do.”

            He means to say until Cole decides to kill her or not. Before he wanted to, but now he’s hysterical. One minute he’s staring up at Jagger, looking better and nodding, but the next he is wailing – full on screaming out in pain.

            “If he does, we can have a funeral.” I don’t know why I suggest this. It’s as if me saying something to do to honor Emily makes up for me being the one who didn’t save her from zombie-death.

            Jack doesn’t respond.

            We sit again in silence that feels worse than speaking. Eventually Jagger comes over with Cole trudging a few feet behind him, looking completely weak and defeated. When Jagger reaches us he puts his arm around my open door and leans into the Hummer, briefly looking at Jack.

            “We’re going to have to stay here tonight. Cole needs time to think. We’ll know in the morning.”

            Jack nods and I don’t speak. All I can do is wonder what Cole will do – if he will choose to kill his zombie turned girlfriend or not. Have they ever thought about what they would do, or even discussed it? How to do you shoot somebody you claim to love?

            “Sloane?” Jagger asks.

            When I don’t look he gently grabs my chin and turns me to face him. As soon as our eyes meet, I’m no longer staring at his present face.