Ishani

Have you ever felt homeless? I'm not talking about being homeless, but feeling homeless. Everyone around you are your family, friends and well-wishers, but you just don't belong with them. Have you felt that? If you have, then you might be able to understand my plight. But if you have never been in my shoes, then I envy you. I envy you for having everything that I have ever wanted in my life; to feel that I belonged somewhere.

My name is Ishani Arora and I'm a doctor. People say that I'm lucky to be born to my parents who are both very renowned in the medical field. They own a hospital together, The Arora Medical Centre. We have a few branches all over India and we intend to expand our business further. Business? Yes, business. Our hospitals are nothing but business to my parents. You can ask anyone in the city, and they would point towards The Arora Medical Centre as the best hospital in town. And, if you ask them why, their answer would be just one, it's expensive, so it's good. If you ask me, I would plainly deny it and call it marketing. The Arora Medical Centre is a brand and we, the doctors, the faces of it are the marketing officers of the hospital. Well, at least my parents and my brother are. I'm not.

Every family has a black spot, a failure, a disappointment in it. In my family, I'm the one. The outcast. The unworthy of the family name. So, now, you tell me, am I lucky to be born to my parents?

Even before I was born, my fate was sealed. I was to be a doctor and nothing else. In fact, I was raised in a hospital where I watched and learned countless things about being a doctor that I didn't even had to study or prepare much for the NEET exams. I had managed to score exactly by the borderline of the cut off and gained a medical seat. Any other parents would have rejoiced the victory of their child, but not my parents. I was an embarrassment to them. Why? My brother had ranked 1st in the Neet exams during his year and so did both my parents. They had plainly dismissed the fact that I had managed to get a seat and focused more on how to improve my grades and I had worked super hard, really hard to prove myself throughout my MBBS, but I could never meet their expectations. No matter how hard I work, I was always at the bottom. It's like I was cursed or something. Cursed to be the disappointment of the family.

However, I never gave up. I don't know from where I harvest the energy to keep going on, but I'm glad that I always had it. Maybe it's the hope that I would finally belong with them or somewhere at least.

Just like how I'm a curse to the Arora family, likewise, the Arora family name is a curse on me. I've never had a true friend because of this. Those who are genuine would never approach me while those who do usually do it because of my last name. There are perks of being acquainted with the Arora family's girl. Some people do say that they don't care what my family name is, but in reality, as time passes by, their actions speaks louder than their word. Somewhat this made me very insecure and I found myself being unable to trust anyone anymore.

I don't hate my life, but, I'm exhausted of it. I'm tired of the endless loop of trial and error. It's just the same all over again despite me adopting a different approach towards the problem. Have you seen Dr. Strange? Do you remember the climax scene where Dr. Strange goes to bargain with Dormamu, and he dies infinite amount of time? Well, Dr. Ishani is somewhat in the same kind of situation. My Dormamu is my father, Dr. Indraneil Arora. Right now, I'm waiting outside his office while my brother, Dr. Aman Arora are having a conversation about the mistake I did today. The mistake of being brutally honest to a patient about his chance of not surviving a surgical procedure.

"Ishu, Dad is calling you in" My elder brother called out to me, breaking my train of thought. I quickly stood up and rushed in.

"Dr. Ishaani, how many times must I remind you of the professional ethics in The Arora Medical Centre?" Dad maintained a stoical face as he reprimanded me.

"Dad..." I began, only to be cut off by my father, "At this moment, I'm not your Dad. I'm the Chief Doctor of The Arora Medical Centre, address me properly!"

"Dr. Arora, I was being professional just the way we had been informed. I just reminded the patient of the risks of this surgical procedure on him and suggested an alternative. I gave him a choice of not going under the knives for a treatment. This treatment is possible, I've done a little research on it and a patient in China was saved through a type of drug which can be imported from there with less than half the cost of the surgery." I explained my side of the story.

"And risk our own profit? Besides, just like you said, there is only one patient who was cured using this clinical trial drug. And the adverse effect of the drugs are still being observed. What if it did not suit him and he dies immediately? Do you want a law suit filed against us?"

"That wasn't my intention, Dr. I've been reading about this drug since the beginning of its development in 2013. I'm confident that I can calculate and evaluate the dosage required by the patient from the papers. I just request you to trust me this once." I begged, literally.

"Ishani, as a father, I can trust you and advice you to go ahead with your treatment plan. But, as the Chief Doctor, I can't. I'm bound to the rules..."

"You set the rules. You can break or bend it if you want!" I exasperated, being impatient.

"Ishu!" Aman elbowed me.

"Dr. Ishani Arora, the rules are made to be followed. There is no exception for neither of us. I suggest you follow the guideline procedure given to you by Dr. Aman Arora. Is that clear?"

"No! I will not. Dad, the surgical procedure will increase the patient's risk of dying early. He's still young..." I tried arguing back, but was cut off when Dad stood up from his chair so quickly that it rolled back and hit the wall behind.

"Death is certain for everyone. The only difference is the matter of time." I flinched at the tone he was using on me and Dad sighed, trying not to lose his calm anymore than he already had. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he closed his eyes and sat back on his chair.

"Okay, for one second, let's admit that the drug treatment is possible for the patient. But, just as you said, he's still very young and from what I've read from his file, he needs a surgery immediately. That's his only chance of survival. Putting him on drugs does not only delays the removal of the tumour, but at the same time increases the risk of him dying at an earlier age than he would if he undergoes the surgery. This will not only cause a damage to our reputation but also affect our profit margin"

"Are these the words of a businessman or a doctor?" Before I could put a filter on my thoughts, they escaped from my mouth, leaving both my father and brother speechless. I regretted those words immediately after they escaped my mouth. I could only lower my head in embarrassment. I was never this rude to anyone. What is happening to me today?

"Ishani!" I heard a loud roar of my name and turned around to find my mother, Dr. Amrita staring sharp at me.

Ishani, you're a dead piece of meat today. There's nothing I can do now. Lady Hitler is in here and she heard my unfiltered blabber. I'm gone! Why is this happening to me? I should have read my horoscope before leaving home this morning. Shit!

"How dare you talk to your father like that?" She hissed in anger, making me take a few steps behind.

"This is exactly what I warned you off Indraneil! But you took her side everytime. You kept supporting your darling daughter and look at her audacity today!"

"Mom, I accidentally..."

"I'm talking to my husband, Dr. Arora. Please stay out of this!" I couldn't take her anger anymore. I could feel my vision becoming blurry as tears brimmed, threatening to fall at any moment now.

"Amrita, she's still young, we are trying to explain things to her. Calm down, would you?" Dad requested to Mom.

"Calm down? Seriously? She's being so disrespectful towards you! And we were going to hand over the hospital to her and Aman after we retire. I rather have Aman to have the entire hospital chain than to have her manage even one. She's such a hopeless case! She never truly excelled in her studies. She has the lowest pointer out of all the doctors working here. She simply got this position because she's our daughter. This is exactly why she threw that question on your face."

"Mom, she is just trying to clear some doubts..." Aman tried defending for me, but I know it will be futile. Lady Hitler will never listen to anyone.

"By asking if her father is speaking like a doctor or a businessman? Can I ask you something Ishani. How much are the pair of sneakers you're wearing right now?"

I quickly wiped the tears and looked down at my Adidas sneakers which I bought a couple weeks ago. It was on a discount, from about 75,000, I got it for only 35,000. I was about to voice out, but immediately cut off by Mom.

"40,000 rupees! If we hadn't looked at patients interest and our profit margin, you would never be able to afford those shoes and question your father's judgement. Enough is enough! No more patronizing this girl. If she needs to learn about life the hard way, so be it. From this moment onwards, you, Dr. Ishani Arora are fired from the Arora Chain of Hospitals. All your current patients will be taken over by Dr. Aman and you can leave this premise." I couldn't comprehend what Mom was saying until Dad and her started arguing.

"Why can't you just be normal like us, Ishu?" Aman sighed as he walked past me, towards our parents and tried to resolve their argument.

My parents never fought. In their 35 years of marital life, the only times they ever fought was because of me. I make them fight. Well, at least that's what they claim and show. Truth is, even I feel the same. If only I weren't there in the family, they all can live happily ever after, with no tiffs, arguments or fight. My mere presence can somewhat disrupt the peace of my family. Should I just walk away? But what will I do if I walked away? I had grown up under their shadow. Wherever I go, people would recognise me as Ishani Arora, the Arora's runaway daughter. The daughter who is being a burden instead of being supportive. That very daughter whose career is built on sheer nepotism. Is this truly the end of me? All the thoughts were frantically running through my head and I felt my breath quickening as I silently watch my parents walking towards me.

"Ishani, despite everything that we have done and provided, you were always difficult on us. I'm sorry to say this, but I have to. Today, you're questioning my judgement, despite my experience." I could literally hear my heart pounding against my ribcage as Dad began talking. Was he going to fire me? Is this the end of my career? The career which I worked so hard to achieve despite people calling it the fruit of nepotism. "We have decided to let you learn life the hard way. Your mother is right. It is high time you own your mistakes and work your way through it."

"Dad, I know that I made a mistake, but trust me, it was unintentional!" I tried reasoning, but in vain.

"Ishani, you will be sent to your Dad's friend's hospital, Sanjivani in Mumbai. We believe you'll learn to be a better doctor there, under Dr. Shashank's guidance. Besides, he is a no nonsense guy. He will not tolerate all your childish antics and tantrum. He's not the Shashank uncle that you know from childhood when he's in the hospital. So, pack your bags. You'll be leaving to Mumbai tonight itself. You'll stay in out apartment there, but you should pay rent to us. I'll email you the details of your flight and the department's locations. Shashank will contact you with the appointment letter and the rest of the information which you would need and he shall require. Now, go back home and pack your things! Aman, bring your sister out of here." Lady Hitler passed her verdict.

And so, my fate was sealed, yet again. May I ask you one thing? When I wasn't allowed or given the opportunity to explain myself properly, how is it that they came to the conclusion that it's my mistake? Actually, you know what? It is my mistake. Everything is my mistake. If only I were everything that they want to be. If only I could meet their expectations. If only I could be the daughter they never had. How I wish I could be that! I sigh in disappointment.

* * *

After a long mental and physical journey, I finally reached Sanjivani. The place where I believe I can finally find myself. The place where I can change into whatever my parents expect me to be. The place which will give this homeless girl a home. I uttered a silent prayer before walking into the hospital for the very first time, towards a new beginning, towards changes, towards a new Ishani.