Song: High for this- The weeknd

I move on with my life. I live the only way that I know how...by listening and following Zane's orders. There are many days that I feel like a puppet. I never give smack...l never go against him. I do everything that I am told and sometimes do things before he even has to ask. I drink on some night and party with the guys on other nights. Sometimes too much partying and I start a new thing...getting high.

I did my first line with Kwan. He kept telling me that it was the best feeling ever and that I need to at least try it. I watched as he empties a small packet of powder onto a mirror and then he takes one of those tiny coffee straws. He leans in and holds one side of his nose while placing the straw in the other nostril and sniffs up the shit. He makes another line and holds the mirror and straw out for me to take. I do...like a freaking puppet.

I don't know why I always do what everyone else wants me to do but I do. Kwan and his cousins treat me like I am one of them and if feels good to have that feeling...to belong, not that I don't get that from Zane...this is a little something more that I need. Kwan was two years older than me and just got out of basic training. He was only home for a little while before being stationed somewhere. So while he is home he wants to make the best out of it and party hard...fuck hard and get fucked up taking me right along with him.

 He loved the fact that I could walk in the strip joint and get any girl I wanted. One night we got to talking and he talked me into hiring some of the girls to come to his place. Three girls show up and me and the guys sit back on the couch and watch them turn on the music and start giving us a private little dance. They slowly strip out of their clothes like its nothing. Of course the guys are cheering it on and one thing leads to another and before you know it every guy wants a turn with them.

 We are all drinking and sniffing the powdery shit...making a mess all over the place. The dark headed girl keeps trying to get back up off the couch and I watch as Kwan whispers in her ear and then holds up a drink for her. "Here...calm down baby...take a drink."

I should say something but I don't.

She looks at the glass and then back at him. With trembling hands she takes a sip and he holds the glass all the way up for her to drink all of it. Then he takes the glass and places it on the side table. He has her sit on the couch between the two of us as he watches one of his buddies pick up the little blonde and takes her to the back room. They all start yelling again. "Yes...I'm next man...I'm next."

The cute girl laying right beside me looks so nervous about what is all going on. I reach over and grab some of the fine powder and hold it up to her on a mirror. She shakes her head no. "I can't do that."

"I think you should at least try it...you want to be high for this shit. These guys play a little rough."

"I...I don't think I want to do this."

"It will be better this way, just escape to another place."

I'm a little surprised that she reaches over and takes the straw form me and sniffs up the powder like it is nothing. She falls back against the couch and zones out. I ignore her as the other blonde starts to dance.

She gleams ear to ear and I know she has had way too much to drink already but she is flashing her nice teeth and in seconds she is going down on Joey. He holds her head down and takes control of her head making her go up and down and nearly gagging the shit out of her. She pushes herself back up to get air and he pushes her back down. Kwan reaches over and smacks her hard on the ass. She stops and looks over at him and doesn't hesitate to crawl over on her knees to him. He whips it out like it is nothing...and he is already hard for her. She just smiles and takes it, wrapping her mouth around his shaft.

The guys all holler back and forth and then Joey comes back over and grabs her, picking her up and throwing her over his shoulder to take her to the back. "This little cunt is mine...back the fuck off."

The other girl between Kwan and I  is practically out of it now and I know for a fact that he laced her drink because when he touches her leg she barely even moves. I know the coke wouldn't have done that much damage to her and know she is beyond fucked up. He turns around and smiles at me. "You want her first?"

I just shake my head no. "Nay...you can have her." I would have but that is not my thing. I need the woman to be fully aware of what is going on, no way in hell am I going to get into that shit.

He just shrugs his shoulders and then picks her up and carries her to the back one of the other guys follows right in behind him. I stay on the couch and drink another bottle of beer. The whole time, I never hear a sound coming from her but the guys hoot and holler and I don't even want to know what the fuck they are doing to that girl. The good thing is that she is out and hopefully won't even remember a damn thing.

I do another hit and fall back against the couch and pass out.When I do wake up the guys are all out. I look down at my watch and shake my head...I so did not mean to be out this freaking late. I sit up and look around. I get up to use the restroom and hear someone crying. I push back the shower curtain and the girl is curled up in a ball in the corner of the shower. She must have been crying all night and the mascara in running black along her cheeks.

I slowly reach over to touch her and she tenses up and starts crying more."Hey...I'm not going to hurt you. The guys...they can get a little rough at times are you ok?"

She shakes her head no and more tears start to come. "Hold on I will be right back."

I stand back up and go to the living room and search for some clothes. When I come back I hold them out to her and she takes them. I turn my back as she gets dressed and then I hear her trying to stand up. I turn and help her up. At first she flinches and I reassure her that I had nothing to do with what happened to her. "Look...I never touched you last night...I swear I was not even in the room with you. Let me help you get out of here." I then help her out to the truck and I take her home. "Those guys are jerks. I'm sorry for the way they acted."

She doesn't say a word as she climbs out of the truck and goes into her apartment. Of course I don't say anything else either and go right on home.

I knew that I should have just gone on home because when I show up early the next morning, Zane is already up and not having it. "I will see you in the workout room." He sits his cup down and stands up from the breakfast table.

I glance over at Ashton and he just shrugs. I don't bother eating and stand back up and follow him to the room. "I told you I was going to be out late."

"Yes...you did."

He steps onto the mat. I take my shoes off and step on the mat with him. "I need you focus on being here. What the hell is going on?" He swings and punches the shit out of my chest. I hold out my hands to guard the next punch.

Then I swing at him of course missing. "I am here...aren't I?"

"You, my friend are going down the wrong path...drinking is one thing...doing this other shit...well I can't have it." He swings again and hits me square in the jaw.

I shake it off. "I'm not doing anything else." I lie though my teeth as I glare at him.I see the look he gives me. Shit why does he have to know everything. How in the hell does he know and I know he knows by that fucking look.

He starts going at it...hitting me over and over until I fall completely down and he is on top of me hitting me several more time until blood starts to flow out of my mouth and nose. "Don't you fucking lie to me, Atticus." He stands up and throws the small plastic packet in my face. "If I ever see this shit in my house again it will be the last time. Get your shit together or get the fuck out." He turns and walks off the mat and leaves the room all together.

I knew he meant it but I'm not sure that I can give it up just like that. Marcus walks over and hands me a wet cloth. "Here man." I take it from him and wipe the blood from my face. "He will forgive you this time only because he has been where you are but believe him he means what he says, the next time you will be out of here...if not completely out of here in a body bag."

I know he could kill me in seconds and he would. There was no getting out of this shit you either stay and work for him or you die that's all there is to it. So I make the decision to give the shit up. Kwan was a little upset that I wouldn't meet up with him and I kept making excuses that I had to work. Thankfully he gets called and has to do a tour in Iraq.

I drink and I get laid on a regular basis and keep her out of my thoughts. I stop getting high and find other ways to address my lows by working out and getting my ass kicked on the mat. And I was doing really well till we are driving down the road and I notice a Billboard on the side of the road with both of their pictures plastered all over it with huge bold print saying something about them missing and have you seen them contact the local police. I'm sure their parents are worried sick about them. God even seeing her up there like that made my heart ache.

When I get home I look it up on the net and notice that there are different theories of their whereabouts. Some state they believe that they met up somewhere and just left the states. But then others say that doesn't make any sense why wait months apart from each other and do it. Tony had been missing for a good three or four months prior to Sara. Not only that but all three of Tony's friends were also missing. No one has any leads on any of them and the sad thing is...is that they will never ever find anything on them. I should feel guilty about all of it but I don't. Tony and his friends deserved everything that they got. As for Sara...shit...I never meant for her to die. I never meant for her to see the real me but it happened and I can't bring her back.

So I put her far away from all my thoughts. The sad thing is...is that she took my heart and she crushed it just like he said she would and now that it is broken and shattered I will never ever have feelings for another girl, ever.

Or that is what I thought anyway.