|i was a blue jay between the paws of a lion, a flammable flower beneath the smoldering eyes of a wolf, and i knew i was trapped from the beginning|

The plead of life was so heavy to my blood, so thick and cumbersome that my veins clenched around it, and my mind was filled with the will to survive. With the will to progress and to achieve. With the will to be better.

And here, I mark that I was sure that feeling had deserted my body long ago. But here I was, feeling it one more time as I walked to class.

God, I missed this. And it didn't seem like it was going to stay for long.

As I reached the doors of the building, every feeling fell away to the traditional apathetic prose of normality, leaving me to want for what I once possessed. The feeling had fled, but the idea of it, and the notion that I could obtain it again, gave me a sick sort of hope.

The kind of hope that you have when you see someone who can save you extending their arm over the ledge that you grip for life, and when you know that they just may be too late.

I was used to that kind of morbid and fantastic feeling, I had come to terms with the fact that it lived in my heart alongside the things I preferred. And along the things that were even worse. And along the shred of broken heartstring love that remained for whoever was unlucky enough to draw my dulled attention.

Alexander.

And there he was, in the back row chatting up some girl. I had heard that they were dating, and no part of me doubted it.

All parts of me resented it.

I took my seat across the aisle from him and the girl. Immediately his gaze caught mine and he made his way over, his smile bright on his face.

"Hey, John!"

I smiled weakly. It was nothing compared to him. But then again, everything was nothing compared to him. "Hi,"

He sat on desk next to me, which was still empty. Maybe Daryl wouldn't be here today and I could have a clear view of Alexander for the whole class. "Something wrong, Jack?"

"No. Just school I guess. How're you?"

"I'm good," he looked at the screen, his smile still plastered on his face. I wondered if he would stay young and beautiful forever. I thought I would like to look at that.

"That's good." This was a simple tactic that I employed often: I noted that I felt good about him feeling good to force him to see that I cared. I damn sure wasn't good at displaying feelings, but I was getting better with the little measures I took for expression.

Alexander reached over and clasped my shoulder, smiling at me once again. "See you at the dorm?"

"Yea. When will you be home?"

"About six. I can bring dinner,"

"Thanks, Xander,"

AN: this is going to be a story based largely on what's happening in my life right now, therefore updates should be quick. Tell me what you think.