Flashback, 2015

Senior Year of College

(23)

As he makes a beeline to their table, Baekhyun is carrying a tray with three drinks on it: A cup of caramel frappuccino for him, a glass of strawberry acai for Chanyeol, and a cup of hot espresso macchiato for Kyungsoo.

Chanyeol, as if on reflex, stands up to help Baekhyun unload the drinks and put the tray away. After that, he sits back on the couch beside Baekhyun, the two of them facing Kyungsoo who has the other side of the sofa for himself.

Chanyeol clears his throat to formally begin the introduction.

"Ahem! Baekhyun, this is Do Kyungsoo, a friend I met through a mutual friend. We had a few classes together during our junior year. And uh, Kyungsoo, this is Byun Baekhyun, my..."

Kyungsoo looks at Chanyeol expectantly.

Chanyeol then coughs, feeling like there's something sharp stuck inside his lungs.

"...my best friend since we were in high school."

Baekhyun slightly stands up and offers a handshake.

"Hi, nice to meet you."

Kyungsoo takes the outstretched hand and nods.

"Nice to meet you, too. I heard so much about you."

Chanyeol flinches, clenching his fists against his pants under the table as he keeps quiet.

"Really?" Baekhyun looks at Chanyeol curiously, then back to his new acquaintance, "Does Chanyeol talk to you about me?"

"Well, he mentions you from time to time. He did say he used to live with you and you've been together since you were teens," Kyungsoo explains, trying to make it sound normal before he diverts the topic, "By the way, do you know someone named Oh Sehun?"

"Yes. He's my roommate."

"I'm in the same department as him. I'm also majoring in Business Administration and he's my underclassman. I'm already in my 4th year now."

"Oh, I see. So that was why I saw you and Sehun together in a picture once?"

"I think it was from the freshmen MT?"

"Yup, sure seems like it."

"Right..."

Baekhyun picks up his drink and sucks on the straw when he runs out of words to say. Chanyeol deems it's now his time to talk and keep this conversation going.

"So, uh. I heard you two are in the same club. That's pretty cool, I didn't know that!" Chanyeol exclaims, elbowing Baekhyun and smiling ear to ear, "Hey, let me drop by to visit you guys sometimes. You know I'm in the theater club right, and our HQ is close to your office. I'll bring Sehun with me, too."

"I only did some volunteering work during my free time," Kyungsoo says. "You might not find me there anymore."

"I haven't been going to the club because of my part-time jobs," Baekhyun reasons out. "I just recently went AWOL."

"Oh. Is that so," Chanyeol chuckles faintly. He lowers his head and sips on his refreshment to hide his embarrassed smile. "I see."

The aroma of coffee beans and the scent of cake is strong and sweet, but it doesn't make the atmosphere among them three any less awkward. Chanyeol is forcing himself to consume the dessert regardless of how sweet it is. He's also sweltering nonstop despite the cold air conditioning. Seems like his extroversion has gone down the drain. Where did his outgoing and talkative self go?

"Back in the grocery store, I kind of overheard you talking about an app," Baekhyun starts, and Chanyeol's knees begin to shake, "Can I ask what app was it?"

Kyungsoo smirks, shaking his head while he drinks his coffee.

"Oh. The app."

Chanyeol's eyes widen in fear and anxiety.

"Baekhyun. T-that was..."

Baekhyun alternately looks at Chanyeol and Kyungsoo, giving them a face of a clueless child.

"Was it like, a game or something?"

"A game?" Kyungsoo asks, bewildered.

"Yeah, like a mobile game you guys are playing together?"

Ah. What to do, he's too innocent... It's making me feel even more guilty, Chanyeol mutters in his subconscious, feeling partly relieved yet conscience-stricken.

"Actually. That was our game! We were talking about the app we're developing. Right, Kyungsoo?"

Chanyeol throws Kyungsoo a meaningful, begging look.

Kyungsoo quickly understands. He recalls Chanyeol talking about it once.

"Ah, of course. I remember Chanyeol mentioning that before. You guys are making a game application, right? And you're looking for future investors once you've finished making it?"

Baekhyun nods. "Yeah, we are." He smiles to himself, but it doesn't reach his eyes. "I guess you two are really close to the point that he gets to talk about our plans with you... And probably about other stuff, too."

Kyungsoo peeks at Chanyeol who's just keeping his mouth shut. Less talk, less mistakes.

"I think you could say we're close enough. But of course! Nothing beats the two of you."

"How come I only met you just now when you guys already knew each other since junior year?" Baekhyun asks straightforwardly, unbothered by the way he sounded like a jealous spouse. "It's just confusing to me."

Chanyeol opens his mouth in an attempt to explain but nothing comes out but silence.

Kyungsoo stays quiet, not knowing how to respond to that.

"Well, it's not like I have the right to know every single one of Chanyeol's friends. Haha, there's too many of you anyway," Baekhyun laughs, picking up the grocery bags on the floor, "It's uh, it's getting pretty late already. I should probably get going..."

Chanyeol rises from his seat and steals the bags from Baekhyun's hands.

"Let's go together, I'm sleeping over tonight at your place, aren't I?"

"No, it's fine. You can just do that next time. You should better go home before it gets dark."

"Then I'll take you back to the dorms. Come on."

Baekhyun glares at Chanyeol.

"Hey. Why would you leave your friend here? That's so rude."

"Ah. No, I... I just live close by. And my girlfriend. Yeah, she's waiting for me," Kyungsoo mutters, shocking Chanyeol because of the made-up lie out of nowhere, "My girlfriend texted that I should pick her up so I'll be leaving first." He smiles at Baekhyun knowingly. "You know. Quality time."

Baekhyun remembers the scene of Kyungsoo buying condoms. He blushes at the memory.

"Oh. S-sure! Go ahead."

"So, I'll be on my way now. It's nice meeting you, Baekhyun. I'll catch you later."

Kyungsoo nods at Chanyeol, staring a little longer than necessary.

"Bye. See you around."

Chanyeol rubs his nape and averts his gaze.

"Yeah. Bye."

The door chimes cling upon Kyungsoo's departure, leaving Chanyeol and Baekhyun by themselves finally.

Baekhyun slurps the last of his frappuccino before he decides to stand up, carry the bags, turn around, and exit the place.

Chanyeol follows him behind until they're outside the streets. Sunset is already halfway done, so their shadows are subtly being cast on the pavement.

"Hey, are you mad?" Chanyeol asks, unsure whether to match Baekhyun's steps or just stay walking behind him. "Baekhyun..."

As he reaches the sidewalk across the pedestrian lane, Baekhyun pauses in his tracks but he doesn't face Chanyeol while he talks to him.

"Mad? No. Not really."

"You see, Kyungsoo is just an acquaintance so I didn't bother mentioning him to you, that's all..."

"But you'd talk to him about me, right? I'm surprised he knew a lot of personal things. He knew my name and that we used to be roommates. He knew I'm living with Sehun, and he knew about our game application. For someone whom I only saw several times, I felt like he knew too much. Are you sure he's just an acquaintance to you?"

Chanyeol sighs tiredly, sitting beside Baekhyun at the bus stop with a good meter separating them.

"So, you're really angry..."

"I'm not angry, Chanyeol. Rather than that, I feel betrayed. If I hadn't seen you with Kyungsoo, you wouldn't even introduce him to me in the first place. You've been friends with him for a while but I didn't even know that."

"Because I didn't see the point of introducing you two... He's not even that much friendly anyway."

"Tell me, am I being unreasonable if I say that I want to involve myself with you more? Who you hang out with, how you spend your free time when you're not with me, what your problems are, I wanna find them out. I don't like it when you're hiding something from me."

"I... I'm not hiding anything from you."

"Oh, really?"

"Really, I'm telling the truth. Here. You can look through my phone if you want."

"Huh? Why would I go so far as to check on your phone?"

"So you can believe me."

"Do you think I'm the type who'd wish to invade your privacy?"

"No, that's not what I mean... I'm sorry."

Baekhyun refuses to listen to Chanyeol's excuses as he proceeds to say whatever's on his mind.

"Back in the coffee shop, I was watching you from the counter. Looks like you were talking about some serious matter with him. That's strange. I mean, you don't make that kind of expression when you're with me... I can't even remember the last time you opened up to me."

"Oh, that? It was nothing, we were just catching up with each other. If we looked serious, that's because Kyungsoo's not the type to joke around."

"And you weren't acting like yourself the whole time Kyungsoo was there. You thought I wouldn't notice how tensed you were? You were purposely keeping quiet like you were protecting a secret you didn't want me to find out."

That was the last straw for Chanyeol to stop spewing empty alibis. His jaw is clenched tight while his hands are balled into fists. His palms are sweating profusely and his heart is hammering inside his chest. His throat is running dry and his mind is going blank. As Baekhyun faces him to look into his wavering and trembling gaze, Chanyeol feels small, helpless, and frightened.

No. He's not ready for this talk. He'll never be ready to confront his fears.

The only courage Chanyeol can muster is to silently utter these restrained thoughts as if Baekhyun could hear him loud and clear.

"Chanyeol, I think I do have the right to say this to you. It's up to you to decide whether to share your life with me or not, it's your choice. But the way I see it, it's kind of unfair that I know so little about you. I'm your closest friend, aren't I? We should be treating each other the same. But why do I feel like I'm being left in the dark?"

Baekhyun.

If I tell you right now that I've been looking at you with eyes not of a friend but with eyes of a lover, will you forgive me?

If I say right now that I'm harboring these unacceptable feelings towards you, will you still choose to stay by my side?

"Look. You won't introduce me to your 'other' friends. You didn't let me meet any of your past girlfriends. I don't recall you telling me your personal matters at home either. You also didn't explain to me the main reason why you moved out of the dorms. Not only that. Remember when you said you were gonna tell me something? That was still back in high school. It's been ages ago and you haven't told me about it yet. You kept holding it off until now. Why won't you share stuff with me anyway? Don't you trust me?"

Baekhyun.

If I answer you right now that I moved out because I might not be able to hold myself back anymore from wanting you, will you come to understand how I feel?

If I confess to you right now that I'm in love with you despite me deceiving you with all these lies, will you even believe me?

If I admit to you right now that I'm not straight, and that I slept with a man while thinking of you, will you still accept me?

"Come to think of it. My family, my friends, my passion, my dreams, even the women I've dated before, you know everything about them. There's nothing about me that you don't know of. You're even there whenever I need you like you can see my every move. But when it comes to you, I only know so little. You always put your guards up. You don't tell me things unless I ask you. Why, Chanyeol? Can't you see that I'm just worried about you? Aren't I worthy to be concerned about the person I care about?"

Baekhyun, I'm not the nicest person in the world... I'm selfish, I'm a coward, and I'm dishonest. But I'd rather stay like this if it will only mean I won't be hated by you. I'd rather get hurt than see you turn your back away and leave me behind.

Why don't I talk about myself? It's because I don't want you to see this evil side of me. You don't deserve to know how impure and rotten I am deep within. I can't let that happen, not ever. You're my saving grace, so please, can we just keep it that way?

"Hey, why aren't you saying anything? Is it because I'm right? You don't think I'm trustworthy enough, do you?"

It's scary when Baekhyun acts like this; Chanyeol can do nothing but cower and turn speechless. The way Baekhyun is glaring at him as if scrutinizing his entire identity sends Chanyeol to the hot seat, exposing him bare and open with nowhere to hide.

The bus arriving on time saves Chanyeol from Baekhyun's unavoidable question. He's just grateful that Baekhyun didn't pry anymore as they get into the bus, which is coincidentally empty and free of passengers, as though it was purposely allowing them to finish their interrupted conversation.

If the bus happened to be full or was carrying just a single person, Chanyeol knows that Baekhyun wouldn't dare speak. Aside from the fact that it's rude to talk on public transportation, Baekhyun wouldn't want other people to hear what he has to say.

Chanyeol can't really tell if this situation is a good thing or not. Baekhyun is now prepared to lash out at him yet again.

"So. Aren't you gonna explain yourself? Or do you still want to take this back to the dorms?" Baekhyun asks with one eyebrow raised.

Chanyeol releases a deep sigh, not minding if the bus is currently moving and making his voice sound pitchy.

"The reason why I..."

He's not even done yet with his sentence but Baekhyun is already on full-force alert, all eyes, and all ears at him like a very attentive listener.

"Okay, keep going? What is it?"

Pressing his lips together, Chanyeol stops himself from exploding into a fit of laughter. Fuck. This shit is supposed to be serious, but Baekhyun being all cute and charming in front of him is making it hard for him to focus. He needs to think of a plausible explanation, or a white lie, so that Baekhyun's curiosity would be quenched, eventually making him feel satisfied.

"The reason why I didn't introduce Kyungsoo to you sooner is that I didn't want you to get jealous," Chanyeol says flat-out and direct to the point. It has some truth in it and it's all that matters. "Recently, I found his company very enjoyable and relaxing. I didn't know what came over me, but I felt like being with Kyungsoo was more fun than being with you. Must be because we've been seeing each other more often lately. I apologize for lying to you but yes, you're right. I confess. Kyungsoo is not just an acquaintance to me. He's a great companion. I could actually make him my new best friend. I feel guilty about cheating on you so I kept our friendship hidden. I've been hanging out with him secretly until you accidentally found out that we knew each other. There. I said it all. I'm sorry, Baekhyun. I really am."

After Chanyeol's confession, Baekhyun has a mixed expression of absolute disbelief, betrayal, pain, and jealousy on his face.

"What the fuck... How dare you? So you've been doing all of this behind my back?"

Chanyeol nods dramatically.

"You have the right to get mad, I understand. But let me tell you that in the end, I came to realize that it's still you whom I want to be with. After all, you're my home. My favorite person. My one and only best friend. Nobody can ever replace you in my life. I'll forever be loyal to you no matter what."

"AS YOU FUCKING SHOULD!" Baekhyun exclaims angrily that he could literally punch Chanyeol in the face. "Now it all made sense why you were acting so suspicious at the coffee shop! You thought I wouldn't find out you were keeping a secret? Huh? So you were having an affair with him, you cheating-ass bastard! The way you looked at Do Kyungsoo gave it away. Fuck you, man. You said I was your best friend but you were hanging out with somebody else to replace me. How could you?"

"T-that's why I'm coming clean now. Please forgive me. And I'm not replacing you! Never!"

"From the moment I saw Do Kyungsoo, I already knew he was bad news! It's like he's plotting something evil against me. That son of a bitch... The audacity of that guy to steal you away from me?"

Chanyeol chuckles nervously.

"Hey. It's not like that. Kyungsoo isn't that kind of person..."

Baekhyun rolls his eyes.

"Oh, really? So you're taking his side now?"

"I'm not taking anybody's side. What I'm saying is, it may not show on his face but he's actually a good fellow. I'm sure you're gonna like him once you get to know him better."

"Fine... I respect that you two are close. Do Kyungsoo seems like a proper, law-abiding citizen, but I don't think I'll personally be fond of him. It's enough that you like him but don't expect me to feel the same. I mean, look at those huge pair of eyes. It's like he's gonna engulf me alive in one stare. And what's with his 'black fashion' anyway? He's so emo as fuck like he's that creepy kid from The Grudge."

"See? This is why I didn't want you guys to meet! You're just gonna get jealous of him and end up talking shit about him."

"I-I'm not jealous, okay? And I'm not talking shit about him, I'm just saying what I'm noticing."

"Okay..."

"Since he's a close friend to you, I'll try to accept him as a part of your circle. So, from now on, don't meet up with him secretly anymore. You can also talk to me about him without hesitation."

"For real? You won't get mad if I mention Kyungsoo to you?"

"I said, I'll try! But don't hang out with him too much, or else..."

"Or else?"

"...or else, I'll get jealous for real."

Chanyeol's gaze softens, looking at the way Baekhyun is rubbing his ear, indicating that Baekhyun is feeling shy and flustered.

"Pfft."

"Don't laugh!"

"I'm not laughing."

Chanyeol gently smiles. For now, this will suffice. At least now Baekhyun knows a part of his truth. He doesn't have to walk on eggshells anymore.

"I appreciate this, Baekhyun. Thanks a lot."

"Tch. No worries."

It's kind of funny that this situation feels like Baekhyun is his Dad and he's asking for permission to date somebody. Except that it's not the case here and it will never be. Telling Baekhyun a white lie is better than not telling him anything.

"As for the reason why I didn't let you meet any of my exes..."

"Uh-huh?"

"I don't want you to get confused. It's not worth your time knowing them. Because to tell you the truth, I don't date with the intention of marriage. I don't wanna get married and I don't wanna have children."

"Uhm, okay... But why-I mean... Seriously?"

"Yeah. I get into relationships just for the experience and company. I have no plans of tying the knot anyway, so what's the point of introducing those women to you if I don't intend to be with them for a long time?"

Baekhyun is stunned, completely overwhelmed, and mindblown by this revelation.

"You... Damn, how carefree."

Chanyeol shrugs, feeling slightly embarrassed.

"Haha. Well, that's just who I am, so."

"Did you live abroad when you were young to become this liberated?"

"I lived in the US for a few years when I was young, studied in the Philippines during middle school, and lived in Japan some time after because of my Dad's company. I also stayed with my relatives in Germany for a while. Fast forward, my family finally went back to Korea for good so I can study high school here. And then several years later, I met you."

"WHAT? H-how come I didn't know all this!?"

"Uhm, you didn't ask..."

"Fuck!"

"Sorry."

Baekhyun holds his forehead and massages it as if he's got all the problems in the world on top of his shoulders. He exhales and shakes his head.

"Haaa... Although this is all new and shocking, since you're my precious friend and you're very dear to me, I'll accept your beliefs wholeheartedly."

Chanyeol looks at him sincerely.

"And if I..."

"And if you...?"

"If I ever got issues at home, I'll make sure to tell you. Well, so far, nothing worth mentioning is going on with my family. My parents are doing good. They're healthy and living well. The two of them just came back this weekend from a vacation in Hawaii. While my sister, she's still as beautiful as always. Oh, and she's gonna get married pretty soon. Probably in December this year."

Baekhyun nods, smiling.

"I see... I'm glad to know that."

"It feels strange. We've known each other for a long time but I failed to share bits of my life with you," Chanyeol says, feeling honestly guilty, "I promise to communicate with you more often about things like this from now on."

"Okay. I'll hold on to your word, then."

The bus halts for the next stop as a routine, its doors opening but nobody gets in to ride as there are still no passengers waiting. The driver continues to drive, venturing the calm road at a steady speed, mainly for Chanyeol and Baekhyun who are especially seated at the back of the spacious transportation.

The thin silence that accompanies them during the ride matches the mood of the sun beautifully setting in the west. From the window, Chanyeol views the Han river, and it brings him a feeling of melancholy that reminds him of the days he spent with Baekhyun during high school. It feels like yesterday. They're now college seniors. Time sure flies fast.

Perhaps it's because he's been long sleepy since earlier that Chanyeol can no longer resist the urge to close his eyes, and oh so slowly, rest his head on Baekhyun's shoulder. It must be also because of his exhaustion from today's events that's why he's doing this, for all he cares.

There's no one around so it's fine, right? Just a few seconds of snuggle will do. He should replenish his drained battery and Baekhyun here is his personal charger. Baekhyun's shoulder is sturdier and broader than how it looks. It feels warm and cuddly; it's the most comfortable place on the planet.

In this position, Chanyeol can smell the subtle aroma of coffee that must've stuck to Baekhyun's clothes. The cappuccino scent is not even strong but it's addictive that it's encouraging him to nuzzle into Baekhyun's neck and sniff it directly from Baekhyun's skin.

Also, the way Baekhyun's lax hand palm-side up is too tempting to hold. Chanyeol could just easily place his bigger hand on top of Baekhyun's smaller ones and entwine their fingers together.

But he holds back. After all, he's not entitled to do that.

"I told you. You should've taken a nap," Baekhyun whispers, interrupting Chanyeol's train of thoughts. Chanyeol is simply glad he wasn't shoved away nor was he told off to stop being clingy in public, "You must be tired already."

"Yeah, I am... I hardly got enough sleep last night because of the project I was working on."

"Was it that group assignment required for your major subject?"

"Mm-hm."

"Don't doze off on me. We're gonna get off soon."

"Can I just stay like this for a while?"

"Okay."

"Thanks."

"Have some rest when we arrive at our-"

Baekhyun coughs after that minor tongue slip.

"-at my dorm room, rather."

Chanyeol stops himself from breaking into a wide smile. Although this might be inconvenient for Baekhyun, he hopes the other won't mind having a heavy head placed on top of his shoulder.

"Baekhyun."

"What."

"You're not mad at me anymore?"

"No, I'm not. I wasn't even mad in the first place."

"But you raised your voice at me..."

"And you're still not used to it?"

"So you're not upset with me, right?"

"I told you already. No, I'm not."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"You mean it for real?"

"Damn it. Quit asking or else I'll get mad for real."

If Chanyeol could squeal right now he already did. He just settles for a soft giggle.

"Are you still gonna make me go back to my place in this pitiful condition?"

"Hey, don't guilt-trip me."

"But you told me at the coffee shop that I couldn't sleep over tonight at the dorms... And that I should just do it next time."

"Fine... Just stay with me. Do whatever you want."

The happiness Chanyeol is experiencing is short-lived, as there are already passengers getting on the bus at the next stop. He immediately straightens up and sits properly when people start occupying the front seats. Baekhyun beside him massages his shoulder and rotates his arm in a circular motion.

"Was my head that heavy?"

"Not as heavy as my whole body every time you piggyback my drunk ass."

"Figures. Now we're even."

"But you should carry these groceries. After all, you paid for them."

In exchange for Chanyeol buying him groceries, Baekhyun volunteers to cook supper and no one can stop him. Chanyeol argues he should just do the cooking instead, but Baekhyun firmly declines. He commands him to sit back and relax while he shows off his master chef skills he basically learned from Youtube.

Having no choice, Chanyeol gives up, although he knows that one of the few things Baekhyun can't do is cook. He allows Baekhyun to maneuver the kitchen awkwardly if it is what makes him happy. It's physically fun to watch Baekhyun struggle with cooking anyway. Thank god Sehun knows how to cook or else Baekhyun's gonna starve to death or live off convenience store food.

And it turns out, Chanyeol has already expected it to happen, that the kimchi pasta Baekhyun made looks weird and creepy. It's like poison straight out from a chemical factory. The consistency is very dry, the vegetables in it are almost burnt, and the kimchi is unrecognizable. Instead of looking bright orange, it looks dark brown. Who knows what kind of seasonings Baekhyun mixed in there? The embarrassment and doom are evident on Baekhyun's face as he hesitantly serves the dish in front of Chanyeol.

Nonetheless, Chanyeol insists he's gonna eat the disastrous food. After all, Baekhyun worked hard to make it. It's the effort that counts.

"Are you insane? Why would you eat that shit!?"

"Because you made it."

"Let's just order something. I'll throw this away."

"No. I'll eat it."

Chanyeol pulls the plate closer to him, grabs a pair of chopsticks, and shoves the terrible-looking pasta inside his mouth without further ado.

Baekhyun's face twinges. He can't bear to look at how Chanyeol chews it inside his mouth with a straight face on. Chanyeol even slurps it like it's jelly, much to Baekhyun's horror. A moment of stillness envelopes them afterward before Chanyeol dives in for another go, swirling the pasta and eating it again.

Baekhyun grabs Chanyeol's wrist.

"No! Stop! Don't force yourself to eat it!"

Chanyeol smiles.

"Why? It doesn't taste that bad."

Baekhyun's eyes brighten up.

"Really?"

"Yup. Here. Give it a try."

One thing that Baekhyun finds out today is that Chanyeol is a great liar.

"Shit-cough! It tastes so fucking horrible! Yuck!"

Baekhyun spits all the contents in his mouth to his palm after tasting a strange combination of salty, bitter, tangy, and sour. What the hell did he even put in the pan anyway? This is dangerous for human consumption.

Chanyeol laughs hard, watching Baekhyun throw up in the sink before swigging a pitcher of water.

"Well, I can fix it. Hand me the apron."

Baekhyun is well-behaved and quiet as he watches Chanyeol cook like an expert, chopping veggies and frying them in the pan with some bacon. Baekhyun uses the backrest of the chair as a support to rest his arms while waiting for their meal to be done. The heavenly scent of cream being mixed into the spaghetti makes his stomach grumble, so the moment Chanyeol presents the appetizing dish in front of him, Baekhyun immediately salivates.

Now that's what you call food.

Chanyeol proudly smiles.

"Bon Apetit."

If Chanyeol were to enumerate the two of his favorite things in the world, the second one is watching Baekhyun eat, while the first one is watching Baekhyun eat the food he cooked. It brings joy to his heart.

"Oh my god... This is so good," Baekhyun praises in the middle of him eating the delicious pasta. "You'll definitely make a good husband. Can we just get married?"

Chanyeol chokes. He quickly gulps down a glass of water and soothes his chest. Shit. Don't say things that are bad for my heart!

"Why? Is it too hot?" Baekhyun asks, seeing Chanyeol's blushing reaction. "Want me to cool down your food for you?"

"No, thanks. Just keep on eating."

"I'll do the dishes in exchange for the dinner. Also, I'll buy you ice cream."

Chanyeol sighs, peeking at Baekhyun's face.

"Dude, you made a mess on your mouth. Why do you always eat like a kid? Does your jaw have a hole or something?"

Baekhyun just shrugs and aimlessly touches his face.

"Oh, didn't see that. Where?"

Chanyeol didn't bother answering the question as he already does the initiative to wipe off the sauce on Baekhyun's chin using his thumb.

"There, it's gone. I'm not doing this for you again, you hear me?"

"Who asked for you to do it anyway?"

"What a brat."

After filling their tummies with the delicious dinner and washing the dishes courtesy of Baekhyun, they make a short trip to the convenience store to buy ice cream like what Baekhyun promised. They consume the ice cream (melon flavor for Chanyeol and chocolate for Baekhyun) while they take a short walk around the park before finally heading back to the dorms to get ready for bed. Baekhyun sees a dog on their way and he mentions that he misses Mongryeong. Chanyeol tells him they should visit Baekhyun's parents on Chuseok so that he can see the dog, too.

"Hey, Chanyeol."

"What?"

On the couch in the living room, Chanyeol peers over his shoulder and sees Baekhyun peeking at him from the bathroom. Baekhyun grins naughtily as he wiggles his eyebrows.

"Let's wash up together."

Chanyeol stares, squinting his eyes.

"It's been a while since you joined me in the bath, right? Come on, I'll even scrub your back and shampoo your hair for you~"

"No, thanks. I'm not in the mood to take a shower with someone. I prefer to bathe alone."

Baekhyun even steps out to reveal his sexy topless body.

"Why? Are you embarrassed by your body? Hey, it's not like we haven't seen each other naked before!"

"I refuse. I'll just wash up after you so you can go ahead and do your thing. I'll wait here."

Baekhyun strips down everything, taking off his boxers and showcasing his bare frontal view. He puts a hand on his hip and stands like a model, confidently exposing his nudity.

"You still don't wanna join me?"

Chanyeol grabs a half-full water bottle and throws it right at Baekhyun's head.

"FUCK OFF AND GO TAKE YOUR DAMN SHOWER!!!"

"OUCH, THAT HURTS!!" Baekhyun screams angrily, holding his forehead, and letting his junior swing in the air. "You didn't have to do that, you heartless jerk!" Then he slams the door shut and mumbles grumpily to himself. "Fucking asshole!"

Hearing the muffled sound of the running water in the shower, Chanyeol brings his heated face against his palms and leans back on the sofa. Calming himself down and erasing that salacious image of Baekhyun burning at the back of his eyelids, he grabs his own hair and breathes.

"Haaa... Fuck it. This is why I moved out, you stupid shit..."

The low whirring noise of the hairdryer fills the room while Baekhyun dries Chanyeol's hair for him. A towel is placed on top of Baekhyun's head to absorb the moisture in his damp hair which Chanyeol already blow-dried. Now they just took turns drying each other's hair.

The air from the electronic device Baekhyun is using feels scorching hot on his ears and nape, but Chanyeol pays it no mind as Baekhyun's gentle hand compensates by carding his hair through his fingers. This is making Chanyeol sleepy, to be honest. But he likes it, nevertheless.

Baekhyun flicks the switch off and unplugs the hairdryer.

"All done."

"Thanks~"

On the floor with a sleeping mat, pillows, and blankets laid out is where Chanyeol is seated, as he busies himself typing away on Baekhyun's laptop. Baekhyun has already worked on their game's blueprint visual scripting so he just continues with the prototypes.

Meanwhile, Baekhyun is sitting cross-legged on his own bed while the curtains separating Sehun's bed (which was Chanyeol's before) and his bed are drawn away in the middle. Sehun purposely placed lots of stuff on top of his bed so nobody would dare use it nor sleep on it.

"Need some help?"

Baekhyun lies flat on his stomach and peeps behind Chanyeol to see his progress. Chanyeol is too late to back away when Baekhyun decides to scoot closer and casually sling an arm around his neck while he works on the laptop. Baekhyun even rests his chin on his shoulder while pointing at the screen.

"Yeah. That's the part where I'm struggling at," he whispers, sending shivers to Chanyeol's skin. "How come you're so good at this?"

Turning his head to glance at Baekhyun's face literally just a hairsbreadth away, Chanyeol notices a faint reddish spot on the side of Baekhyun's forehead, just above his right eyebrow. That must be from the water bottle he threw at him. Now Chanyeol feels guilty.

"Sorry."

"For what?"

Baekhyun quickly understands what Chanyeol is talking about. He rubs the slight bump on his forehead Chanyeol has been looking at.

"Oh, this? Psh," Baekhyun says with a dismissive laugh, "It's nothing. My skin's just pretty sensitive."

Considering the proximity of their faces, Chanyeol stares at the tiny rash on Baekhyun's forehead. He touches it, swipes the area with his thumb, and massages it. He locks gazes with Baekhyun as he studies the way the other's fringe falls across his pretty eyes.

"Does it hurt?"

Baekhyun shakes his head.

"Can I take a closer look?"

"Go ahead."

Chanyeol leans in and swats Baaekhyun's hair away. He is this close to bringing his lips into Baekhyun's forehead to peck it and reduce the swelling. He wants to kiss the redness away and feel Baekhyun's skin against his lips.

And so he did.

He doesn't have to think twice when he slams the laptop shut, holds Baekhyun's nape, pulls Baekhyun near, and gently presses his lips on the corner of Baekhyun's forehead.

Smooch.

He slowly leans away as Baekhyun silently stares at him.

Everything happened way too fast. It's like the wind has caressed Baekhyun's forehead, leaving a tingling sensation. Chanyeol is still looking intimately as if he wanted to tell something, but the three-second silence that follows afterward stops him from doing so.

Baekhyun lifts an eyebrow.

"You think you're my grandma?"

"Grandma?"

"Why did you give me a forehead kiss?"

Chanyeol laughs. Pfft. So cute. He pinches Baekhyun's nose.

"Because I couldn't help it. You're just too adorable~"

Baekhyun glares.

"Do that again and you're gonna kiss my fist next time."

"Why? You even kissed me on the forehead when we were 18, remember?"

"I-I was still young and naive that time."

"Are you blushing right now?"

"Like hell I am!"

Chanyeol bursts into a hearty chuckle. He rests his head on Baekhyun's thigh, snatching a pillow and burying his face in it. If only he could do more, he already did. He wants to kiss Baekhyun for real and embrace him like this pillow in his arms. But he can't, obviously. So for now, he'll just suffer and keep these delusions to himself.

Ah, seriously... You're driving me crazy, Byun Baekhyun.

"Psh." Baekhyun gives him an eye roll. He grinds his palm against his forehead which Chanyeol has just shoved his disgusting lips into. "Ew. Saliva."

Then he wipes his hand on Chanyeol's shirt.

At 9:45 in the evening, Baekhyun declares lights out so that he and Chanyeol can finally hit the sack.

Telling each other goodnight and sweet dreams as he and Baekhyun respectively lie beside each other, (Baekhyun on the bed and him on the floor) Chanyeol finds himself yawning and closing his eyes. He's on the verge of falling asleep, not until Baekhyun speaks in the middle of silence.

"Chanyeol. Are you sure you're not gonna tell me anything more?"

Chanyeol opens his eyes. Baekhyun can't see him in this position since he's lying on the floor while the other is on his bed. Now it's Chanyeol's option whether to pretend he's already sleeping or answer Baekhyun's question.

"The actual reason why you moved out, you haven't told it to me yet. You said you just wanted more privacy. Is that all there is to it?"

Chanyeol places his arm over his eyes

No. I have more things I'm hiding from you. I've endured long enough all these years. If I lived with you one more day, I think I might cross the line.

"Does it have something to do with what you were trying to tell me in the past?"

Yeah. Back then, I wanted to confess to you that I like you. I even wrote you a love letter. But my confession wouldn't come out of my mouth.

"If it's that hard for you to say it, you don't have to force yourself."

No. I still have to say it. Just give me more time. I promise I'll let you know how I feel. Just not today.

"You're not... dying, are you?"

Chanyeol shoots up from his reclining position.

"WHAT? Haha. No, I'm not."

The sheets rustle when Baekhyun moves, facing Chanyeol who's now sitting across from him.

"So you're still awake?"

Chanyeol just grins tight-lipped, shrugging.

"If you're not suffering from a terminal illness, it must be that you're gonna leave me and live abroad again?" Baekhyun asks curiously. "That's why you couldn't tell me all this time?"

"You know what, you're watching too much dramas."

"Ah, I know! You found out you were adopted and you couldn't tell me because you didn't want me to pity you for having no real parents?"

"Pfft. Are you trying to write a novel or something?"

"Ah, then it must be that."

"That?"

"Yeah. That."

Baekhyun smirks knowingly, shakes his head, and spares Chanyeol a cunning glance.

"Hah, I knew it... I should've known sooner. It's so obvious. You can't hide it from me anymore. You have hidden superpowers, don't you? And that's your biggest secret?"

Chanyeol tries not to smile yet to no avail.

"I'm a normal human being. I have no superpowers."

"Damn it! I thought I already got you! So superhumans don't really exist, huh?"

"They're not real, silly."

Chanyeol doesn't need to feel nervous. If anything, he finds it amusing. Baekhyun is the most naive and innocent person he has ever met. This guy can quickly figure out things fast, no matter what they are, but when it comes to his romantic feelings, Baekhyun will be totally clueless. He'll forever be oblivious. Perhaps it never really crossed Baekhyun's mind that he might be actually in love with him. Chanyeol can't decide if it's something he should be happy about or not.

For now, he's safe. He just needs to buy more time so he can organize his thoughts, and then he'll finally confess that he loves Baekhyun.

He is taking back what he said before.

He won't be a coward anymore.

He's gonna tell Baekhyun how he feels.

After all, he's tired of lying and pretending. He's tired of fooling Baekhyun and hiding his true intentions. Baekhyun might be smiling on the outside, but he must be worried about him on the inside. This has been going on for ages anyway; Baekhyun might realize that he's been dragging this issue longer than necessary, judging by the way Baekhyun is being more curious and invested than before. So might as well give him the answers he deserves.

Yes, it might hurt big time being rejected, but it's better than seeing the betrayed expression on Baekhyun's face. Chanyeol just hopes they can continue being friends after this.

"Give me a few days to prepare myself and I'll tell you everything you wanna know."

A hint of mild surprise is Baekhyun's reaction.

"Wait. Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I am. I'll finally tell you what I've been meaning to say all this time. Just wait for me a little, okay?"

Rubbing his ear, Baekhyun blinks and stares overwhelmed at Chanyeol smiling at him. It must be really a serious matter he's talking about.

"Wow, I mean... Sure, I'm gonna wait! Take your time. No pressure."

"Thank you."

"So basically. You're gonna say every single thing, right? Even up to the smallest detail of whatever that is?"

"Mm-hm. I promise."

"Then we should do a pinky swear."

No matter how childish it is, Chanyeol stretches his arm and clings his pinky onto Baekhyun's little finger to seal the deal. He listens to Baekhyun singing a song while swaying their pinkies together.

Pinky promise, hope to die, swallow a thousand needles if you lie. Finger's cut!

Pinky, pinky, whoever tells a lie~ Will sink to hell and never rise again!

Baekhyun's voice fades into the darkness as Chanyeol falls asleep that night. He should've remembered how Baekhyun brightly smiled at him the next morning, if only he had known he wouldn't be seeing Baekhyun again for a little while.

He should've already told him that night how he felt if only he had known he'd lost courage once again.

Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months. It must be Baekhyun's pinky-swear song that is pressuring him to man up and finally confess, or it must be his indecisive mind, but the time he asked for Baekhyun to wait is getting longer than what he had intended it to be. Chanyeol has never felt this conflicted all his life answering Baekhyun's texts, making up excuses after excuses just so he can avoid seeing Baekhyun with a face of a coward.

First, he told Baekhyun he had emergency matters at home so he couldn't come over. Baekhyun said he understood. Next, Chanyeol reasoned out he had to study for the exams so they couldn't meet for a while which was actually true. The third time was when Baekhyun cornered him after a lecture, demanding they should talk because he had something to say. But Chanyeol was 'kidnapped' by his club for an urgent meeting, leaving Baekhyun alone and flabbergasted.

When Chanyeol, fortunately, made up his mind to confess and also apologize for what happened, it was Baekhyun who called it off last minute, saying he was immediately needed for his part-time job. A few days after that, he asked Chanyeol again to hang out so that he can make up for their canceled plans, but Chanyeol said he came down with a high fever and couldn't leave the house.

Chanyeol swears that this is gonna be the last time he'll be hiding from Baekhyun. After this sick pretend, he'll finally grow a pair and show himself in front of him like a real man. This shitty procrastination isn't doing him any good. Fuck this wimpy-ass attitude. Even he hates himself.

I'm really sorry, Baekhyun... Let's just meet next time. If only I could go, I already did...

It's okay.^^ Have a good rest. Your health is more important.

Thanks, man. I promise I'll get better quickly so we can finally meet after a month!

It's been two months since we last hung out, Chanyeol...

Shit. Now I feel bad... ㅠㅠ

Don't stress over it. Focus on your recovery first.

Okay, I will.

How are you feeling now?

Well... I couldn't get up because I was feeling nauseous this morning. I think I'm gonna faint anytime! My muscles hurt and my throat is swollen. I'm getting chills all over my body and I can't stop coughing.

Hey, don't you need to be admitted to the hospital in that condition?

OMG.

You're in danger! I looked it up on the internet!

Hang in there, buddy. I'm calling an ambulance. That might be a virus. You must be quarantined.

No! It's not a virus! It's just a cold I caught because of the weather!

Believe me. I'm totally all right!

Still. You're all alone at home, right? You need immediate medical attention!

I appreciate your concern, but really, I'm okay! I can handle myself just fine, got it?

But what if you collapsed? You said you could almost pass out! I'm fucking worried!

Chanyeol freezes, reading these recent replies Baekhyun sent him. His trembling thumbs hover on his phone as he thinks of what to say but his brain is not responding.

"Shit. I went too far! Argh, I'm such a fucking idiot!"

While cocooned in his blanket, Chanyeol rolls around and bounces on his spacious bed while panicking aggressively. He even goes more hysterical when Baekhyun's name indicating an incoming call flashes on his screen.

"Fuck. What do I do!? Aaaaah!!! Should I answer it or not!?"

Chanyeol's hyperventilation is cut short by the doorbell ringing. Just in time, Baekhyun drops the call and texts him instead, saying to pick up his phone right now or else an ambulance is gonna force him out of his bed and drag him to the nearest hospital.

The doorbell rings again.

"Coming!"

Chanyeol doesn't bother wearing a shirt, standing only in his gray crumpled sweatpants, his hair ruffled and unruly as he lazily opens the door.

"Hi, Chanyeol."

"Hey."

"Good evening. Hope I'm not disturbing you."

"Not really. What brings you here at this hour?"

Chanyeol frowns at the height-deprived person standing outside his unit. Good thing it wasn't the paramedics or else he's gonna seriously lose his shit. He also doesn't wanna disturb the neighbors at 9 pm because of an ambulance siren.

"You see, my ex and I broke up. Can I stay here for a few weeks until that trashy ex of mine finally fucked off out of my life?"

Kyungsoo doesn't wait for the owner's permission as he shoves Chanyeol aside and lets himself in. He goes straight into the kitchen and serves himself a glass of water.

"Huh? What ex? You've got a boyfriend all this time!?" Chanyeol asks, confused and bothered, "And you hooked up with me!? What the hell, dude? You told me you were single!"

"No. I don't have a boyfriend. And yes, I'm single as of now. The ex I was talking about was my ex-boyfriend from high school. We recently got back together after you deleted the app. I stayed out of the app too and hung out with him these past few days. We ended up having a comeback."

"Oh, okay... Good for you."

While he tells his story, Kyungsoo naturally picks up some trash lying around the floor and starts cleaning like it's an automatic response of his body.

"But sadly, we got into a fight because I caught him flirting with a bartender. Oh, well. This isn't the first time we're splitting up so I'm not surprised anymore."

"I'm so sorry to hear that."

"It's fine. Anyway, I need a place away from home because that asshole's been camping outside my house and begging me to give him another chance. I'm still thinking about my answer while I make that douchebag suffer a little."

Listening to another person's love life problems is inducing Chanyeol with a real headache. He glances at his phone and reads Baekhyun's persistent texts bombarding his notifications. He puts it in his pocket after texting Baekhyun back that he's perfectly fine so there is nothing to worry about.

"Hey. Just wanna make this clear..."

Chanyeol sits on the couch and watches Kyungsoo busy himself like a housekeeper. Everything happened in a blink of an eye; Chanyeol suddenly got a new temporary housemate without him even agreeing to anything.

"You're not here to do it with me, right?"

Kyungsoo pauses.

"You didn't come here to hook up?"

"No, Chanyeol. We're already past that set-up. Let's leave that encounter behind and not talk about it ever again."

"Yeah. That's what I'm thinking."

"You made it clear that you were gonna confess your feelings to your first love. Of course, I won't ruin that for you. I'll give you my full support."

"Thanks."

"Plus, I don't even feel anything special towards you. I'm fond of you as a human being, I guess."

Chanyeol smiles, rolling his eyes.

"Same feelings."

"Now we're settled."

"Case closed."

"I'll do your laundry and cook breakfast in exchange for me living here temporarily. In the meantime, just give me a room to sleep in."

"Alright, you can use the guest room. It's that door across from mine."

"Sweet. Thanks a lot."

"But I'm just curious, though. Don't you have any other place in mind you can crash at? Why here?"

"You said we were friends, right? Minus the nasty part?"

"Yeah, we are."

"That's my answer."

Perhaps it's a good thing that he has a friend he can confide in like this, Chanyeol thinks, so that he can also lessen his worries about facing Baekhyun in the nearest future. Having Kyungsoo here might be a good help in giving him some advice. This guy has ample dating experience with men, compared to him who has only dated once out of curiosity.

Not that Chanyeol had planned on going out with Baekhyun, but he admits he had dreamt of becoming Baekhyun's boyfriend even though he knows how impossible that feat is.

That imagery of dating Baekhyun suddenly makes him smile.

Hah. How pathetic of me to get happy by my own imagination.

"I'm gonna use your shower. Lend me a shirt," Kyungsoo commands. "I came here empty-handed."

"Just wear anything in my closet. I don't mind you using my clothes as long as you wash them."

"Okay."

Chanyeol peeks at the wall clock showing the time. It's thirty minutes before ten. He still has to wake up early for tomorrow and ask Baekhyun to meet up with him. Because whether he admits it or not, he still misses Baekhyun a lot. He wants to be with him again, hear his voice, see his smile, and feel his warm presence beside him.

Tomorrow, definitely tomorrow. He'll make up for the days they weren't together.

"By the way, Kyungsoo. Can you turn off the lights in the living room after you wash up?"

"Sure thing. Is that all?"

"Oh, and check the windows, too if they're already locked before you go to bed."

"Got it. Night, Mr. Landlord."

"You, too."

Returning to his haven which is his messy bedroom, Chanyeol dives into his disheveled bed and rereads the text he previously received from Baekhyun. He also rereads the last message he texted him.

Hey, you still there?

Why aren't you texting me back? Is it because of the allergies?

PARK CHANYEOL!

I'm perfectly fine so you have nothing to worry about. I haven't been sick since that day in high school, you know? I promise it won't happen again. And I'm healthier than you think!

Chanyeol lifts his phone in the air and quietly stares at the screen.

"He just left me on read..."

He lies sideways and waits for several minutes, just in case Baekhyun's message got delayed because of a poor signal. But after approximately half an hour of tossing, fidgeting, and waiting, Chanyeol gives up at last and sets the phone aside, placing it on top of the nightstand.

"Well, Baekhyun's probably sleeping. It's already late anyway."

Flicking the lampshade on, Chanyeol plumps up his pillow and slides into his blanket. He closes his eyes and makes himself comfortable.

But his five-second sleep is right away disturbed by a loud breaking noise outside his bedroom.

CRASH!

Chanyeol quickly jolts up on the bed.

"W-what was that!?"

As he twists the knob of his door to open it, Chanyeol remembers seeing three things in the dark before his entire body freezes and his face loses color:

First is the broken vase thrashed on the floor at the entryway.

Second is Kyungsoo who came out fresh from the shower, wearing nothing but his underwear and the shirt he let him borrow, as the guy stands barefoot, inches away from the scattered shards of porcelain.

"Are you okay!?" Chanyeol asks in concern, holding Kyungsoo's hands and checking them for any wounds. "You're not hurt, are you?"

And third.

Chanyeol should've seen him first.

"I'm fine... I just thought someone broke into your place. I thought it was my ex who followed me here so I panicked a little."

Third is Baekhyun standing in front of them, witnessing everything that is happening.

"I was startled when I saw a figure at the window so I accidentally knocked over the vase close to me. I should've been more careful. I'm sorry..."

Perhaps it's too dark that Chanyeol failed to see Baekhyun at the door now looking at him with a face void of expression. The moment his and Baekhyun's gazes meet after Chanyeol turns on the lights, chills run down his spine as his chest pounds. He can't utter a single word, totally dumbfounded and stunned.

This isn't the scene Chanyeol has pictured in his mind. He yearned to reunite with Baekhyun but not this way. He never expected his wish of seeing Baekhyun again will come true in a situation he least hoped for Baekhyun to witness. He's missing Baekhyun to death, that he badly wants to hug him in his arms this instant, but he can't do that.

How should he react right now? He can't stop his hand from shaking. His heart is wildly beating, just like how it's always been every time Baekhyun is near. But this time, it's thumping in a nerve-wracking manner, to the point that he can't think clearly, frightened of what's gonna happen next. Because, although he wants to talk and explain, he can't move his mouth to say anything to save himself. There is no chance of escaping now.

Baekhyun is already here and he's seeing something he's not supposed to see.

Chanyeol lets go of Kyungsoo's hand fast. Even with his cracked and raspy voice, he manages to call out Baekhyun's name.

"B-baekhyun. This is..."

Baekhyun steps backward. Amidst the dimness of the living room, Chanyeol can see the way Baekhyun's fingers release from the plastic handle. The crispy sound of plastic from the food Baekhyun is carrying echoes in this heavy silence. Like the scene turning into slow-motion, the porridge drops onto the floor, spilling its contents, same goes with the white packet of non-prescription medicine Baekhyun must've brought from the nearest pharmacy in the middle of the night.

Chanyeol is speechless, terrified, ashamed, and guilty, as he can only watch how Baekhyun turns his back away and leaves.

"Idiot, go after him!" Kyungsoo screams, waking Chanyeol up from his senses, "What the fuck are you doing still standing there!?"

This is what coerces Chanyeol to run after Baekhyun. It has to be the fear of not seeing him again that took Chanyeol's mind off from wearing a jacket and putting on a pair of shoes no matter how freezing it is outside.

"Baekhyun, wait!"

In this vulnerable state, physically and emotionally, he chases Baekhyun down the hallway without a single care in the world. He doesn't mind anymore whether he's barefoot. He ignores the tenants in the building sparing him a glance and whispering how crazy he looks right now. What's important is that he catches Baekhyun before the guy can use the stairs or ride the elevator.

"Don't leave yet! Baekhyun! Wait!"

As soon as he spots Baekhyun's disappearing figure, Chanyeol grabs Baekhyun by the wrist to stop him from going anywhere. Thankfully, there is no one around in this area so Chanyeol can pull Baekhyun into a corner. It's the space near the stairs of the fire exit where nobody can see them. While catching his ragged breathing, he puts his free hand on his knees and keeps Baekhyun by his side. He can see how fog forms out of his mouth as he pants hard.

Baekhyun doesn't say anything after what seems like a minute, so Chanyeol decides to finally let go of Baekhyun's wrist, mentally apologizing for clutching it too tight. He has no time to prepare what to say so he'll just babble whatever comes into his mind.

"What you saw just now is... That was not... I mean, Kyungsoo is actually..."

"You look fine to me," is the first sentence that Baekhyun speaks. "You don't seem to have a fever like what you told me. You can even run that fast."

"Baekhyun..."

"You're not really sick, are you? And you've been making up excuses just to avoid seeing me?"

Chanyeol's mouth gapes but no voice comes out.

"And here I was, getting worried over nothing," Baekhyun exhales, running his fingers through his hair to let out his frustration, "It's been a while since we last saw each other, right?"

"I couldn't face you. I'm sorry."

"No, it's me who should apologize. I thought you were alone so I just typed in the passcode and went inside. It's my fault for coming here without telling you in advance. If only I had known you have a roommate, I should've rung the doorbell first."

Chanyeol lowers his eyes and stares at his bare toes curling against the chilly ground.

"Chanyeol, you seem to be hiding something from me."

"I-I've got nothing to hide from you..."

"Really?"

Baekhyun carefully scans Chanyeol from head to toe, noticing how pale and nervous the other is.

"Tell me, are you two living together?"

Instead of saying Kyungsoo is only staying at his place temporarily and what Baekhyun saw was all just a misunderstanding, Chanyeol just ends up nodding as a reply to the question.

Instead of trying to explain that Kyungsoo didn't live with him right after he moved out of the dorms and that Kyungsoo has nothing to do with his decision to live separately, Chanyeol only keeps his lips sealed.

"Why is Kyungsoo wearing your shirt?" Baekhyun straightforwardly asks. "Doesn't he have clothes of his own?"

Chanyeol swallows the lump in his throat, balling his fists by his sides as he refuses to talk.

He could just simply tell Baekhyun the fact that Kyungsoo coincidentally arrived at his place literally an hour ago before he caught them in that situation, and whatever he is assuming right now is not true.

He could just explain to Baekhyun that Kyungsoo only used his shower because the guy asked him to and that he borrowed his clothes because Kyungsoo didn't bring any.

He could just easily say that nothing happened between him and Kyungsoo if that is what Baekhyun is thinking, that they didn't have sex and they aren't even in a dating relationship, to begin with.

But does that really even matter?

Can this small piece of truth cover up all the lies he had told Baekhyun so far?

Also, why does he need to make these kinds of explanations? Is he even in the right position to do that?

"Is it what I'm thinking right now?" Baekhyun asks, giving Chanyeol an intense and unwavering stare, "Are you perhaps attracted to men?"

Right there and there, Chanyeol stops breathing. He feels like being stripped naked and judged on the spot.

"You're gay, aren't you?"

Nonetheless, once again, instead of denying and making up more lies, Chanyeol takes a deep, shaky breath as if to confirm Baekhyun's statement. He should thank Baekhyun for making it easy for him. This way he didn't have to initiate admitting his sexuality because Baekhyun already did it for him by asking this unavoidable question.

"Yes."

Chanyeol can't be brave enough to raise his head and look at Baekhyun's reaction after saying that three-letter word.

"Since when?"

"Since we were... in high school."

Because the moment Chanyeol does, he might see the disgusted look in Baekhyun's eyes.

"I see... So that's how it is."

But he is wrong.

"Are you and Kyungsoo, not just friends?"

Because it wasn't disgust being reflected in them.

"Did you sleep with him, Chanyeol?"

It was pain in Baekhyun's eyes all along.

"Did you have sex with him?"

After Baekhyun calmly asks the next question, Chanyeol can no longer pretend he's all right. His throat closes up, making it hard for him to breathe. He wants to turn back the time when Baekhyun is still seeing the good side of him, but he definitely can't do that. He's already busted and exposed. He's been found out.

So this is how it feels like, the moment he's dreading the most. It hurts, the feeling of his chest being stabbed repeatedly while Baekhyun scrutinizes him and squeezes him out of the truth. He didn't expect it to be this tormenting. But this is his own doing, so he must deal with it himself and take responsibility.

"Yes, Kyungsoo and I are not just friends... And yes, I slept with him."

Kyungsoo's girlfriend doesn't exist, and the reason why Kyungsoo visits the convenience store wasn't because of a woman but because of a man. Why Chanyeol moved out of the dorms, why he frequently changed partners before, why he secretly met up with Kyungsoo, why he said he didn't wanna get married and have children, and why he struggled to open up about himself, Baekhyun must be already piecing out things together in his head.

"Ah... It must be the thing you've been wanting to say. Sorry I had to find out like this, but I'm so relieved it's not something I should be worried about. Thank god," Baekhyun says. It's evident in his facial expression that he's feeling betrayed. Just looking at him sends Chanyeol more pain. "Sorry for pressuring you. It must've been hard for you to tell me all this time. I was totally clueless and insensitive."

Then again, instead of trying to say that he used to do it with Kyungsoo a few times in the past and has now decided to end it, Chanyeol still chooses to stay voiceless. Because even if he confessed he didn't mean to hide the truth from Baekhyun because he loves him, would Baekhyun even believe it after everything he has done?

"I'm sorry... I should've known. I failed as your best friend."

No. Don't say you're sorry. It's me who should apologize, Chanyeol wants to blurt out loud, yet he can't. Tears are already brimming in the corner of his eyes. If he blinks, they would fall on his cheeks and he doesn't want that. Baekhyun shouldn't see him cry. Not today and not ever. He must put his tears at bay. He can cry later when Baekhyun's not around.

"You should head back inside. It's getting late."

Baekhyun takes off his jacket and hands it to Chanyeol.

"Here, wear this."

Chanyeol gets the offered piece of clothing from Baekhyun's hand. It's one of the winter jackets he remembers leaving in Baekhyun's closet as a keepsake before moving out.

"It's freezing out here. You can't get sick for real so keep yourself warm."

Baekhyun also unwraps the scarf around his neck so that he can transfer it to Chanyeol. The split second Baekhyun's fingertips touched the skin of his neck, Chanyeol feels his barriers collapse. A tear rolls down his cheek, so he wipes it away fast like nothing happened. Having a closer glimpse of Baekhyun's face, as Baekhyun coils the scarf around his neck, Chanyeol asks this question in his mind:

"Goodnight. Go get some rest."

Baekhyun, why are you looking at me with such a sad and hurtful expression?

"Kyungsoo must be already waiting for you. I'll get going now."

As if you were suffering because of me?

"Wait, Baekhyun."

Chanyeol catches Baekhyun's arm to stop him from leaving the second time. He then drops his hand as Baekhyun faces him.

"I'm really sorry..."

"What are you being sorry about?"

For not being honest with you. For still not confessing that I'm in love with you.

"For being gay--or being bi?" Baekhyun asks, staring right into his eyes. "What's wrong with that?" He smiles and taps him on the shoulder twice. "Being honest is something you should never feel embarrassed about. You told me that, right? So hold your head up high. I'll always be proud of you, whoever you are, whatever your preferences are. Because to me, you're just Chanyeol, the person dearest to me, and the one I really care about."

"Thanks for saying that."

"No worries. What are friends for?"

"Don't avoid me because of this, please. I don't wanna lose you."

"I won't do that. I'll always be here for you. Nothing's gonna change between us."

Kyungsoo was right. Chanyeol should've listened to him from the start.

He realizes how great of a friend Baekhyun truly is. He can't imagine how betrayed must've Baekhyun felt, yet he still chose to be considerate without reservation. How can Baekhyun not be selfish? Rather than getting mad, he still understood his feelings. He even apologized in his place. He doesn't deserve Baekhyun in his life.

"It's been a long day so we should hit the sack now. See you on campus."

"Hang on, I'll take you to the bus stop at least."

Baekhyun stares at Chanyeol's hand automatically reaching out to hold his elbow. He places his hand on top of Chanyeol's hand, presses it down to let his arm go, and shakes his head to refuse.

"From now on, you don't have to do that."

As Baekhyun takes his leave that night, he also took a part of Chanyeol's heart with him. He may not return it but it's okay. Some feelings should be kept hidden and words should be left to be unsaid. Not all love is meant to be confessed. Some of them are destined to be unrequited, but not forgotten.

It's not giving up or surrendering. It's saving a friendship, and to Chanyeol, it's more important than risking a relationship that is impossible to bloom in the first place.

Perhaps he might've cried that night; but no one, not even a single soul, saw him shed tears like how it's supposed to be.

To be continued

(updates every 5th, 15th, and 25th of the month!)