Chapter Song: He Will Carry Me by Mark Shultz

The next day April looked around for Peter. He had gone for a walk and she had missed him as the day went on. She walked aimlessly in the forest wondering where he had gone. She found him in the glade. The beauty of the spot was so like Narnia that it hurt to look at it. He was sitting at the entrance, staring where the shimmering had been, the place where they had entered Narnia just a few days before. His back against was a tree. She touched it. How she missed seeing the Trees come to life.

"I was looking for you," she said softly sitting beside him and taking his hand.

He looked down and smiled, but the smile did not reach his eyes.

"Peter, you have to let this go."

"Let what go?"

"Your guilt over what happened. It is not your fault we went to Narnia. It is not your fault that we conceived there, we wanted to, remember? It is not your fault that the pirates attacked us and hurt me and nearly killed you. And, it is not your fault that our child...died."

He flinched at the word died. "It is, April. I know you can't see it, but it is all my fault. I am too impulsive, too trusting, then I was too complacent. I didn't protect you or the child. I failed."

"Peter, listen to me. You can't always protect me. We have learned that before, many times. It is up to Aslan."

He was silent, she let go of his hand and fiddled with her ring. "There is something I have been thinking lately that might help. I have been afraid to say it, but...maybe it is better this way."

He turned quickly to her, shock evident on his face. "What is better this way?"

"You do believe that our child is in Aslan's Country, right?"

He nodded tersely and she hurried to finish. "He is in a much better place than here. What kind of life could we have given him here with both of us in school?"

His eyes narrowed, but she didn't see, she was looking at her hands, needing to get the next words out. "In a way, I am relieved. I don't know anything about being a mother, here I am just 17 and with my dream of dancing and career on the stage..."

He stood and paced away from her. "How can you say that?! Do you mean that your dancing is more important than our child?" he demanded, his fists clenched at his side.

She jumped up too. "No! Peter, you know that is not true."

They stared at each other for a moment. April broke the silence first.

"Peter, you can't say that this doesn't make it easier on us. Just how were you going to get a University degree and work to support us as well?"

"I would have figured it out!" he said with anger ringing through his voice.

"Now you are just being stubborn. I would not have chosen this, I am grieving, just as you are. But you have to see the positives in this too." Tears began to slip down her cheeks.

"No!" he said emphatically. "Let me get this straight...our child dies because of me, and you are relieved?!"

"Peter, you aren't listening..." she was crying in earnest now.

He turned to look at her and she whispered, "You don't understand. I wanted our child too, more than anything. But he is gone, and I have to find a way to cope. Seeing the positives, no matter how cruel they sound, are the only thing I have right now. You...are too far away."

He looked at her from across the clearing, she didn't mean just physically far away, emotionally he had shut himself off. She could tell he didn't understand her and was wrestling with himself. Habit won out and he came over and held her. She wondered if it was easier to for him to do this. He had told her the day before that looking in her pain filled eyes was like being pierced with the sword again.

He confirmed her thoughts with his next words. "It's okay love. I'm sorry I got so upset. I know how sad you are. I see it in your eyes every time I look at you. I do not understand your relief as you do not understand my guilt. We will leave it at that."

She nodded and soaked up his warmth, just glad to be held.

After a long moment, she asked into his shoulder, "Peter, will you kiss me?"

She had to ask. It had been so many days since he had really kissed her. Little ones here and there, but she longed for the connection with him. They had not been alone much and physically, she couldn't do more, but she needed the proof of his love. Words were easy for him to say, but for her to know exactly where she stood in his heart, she needed his kiss.

He drew back and looked at her, and for a moment, she thought he was going to say no. But he pulled her closer and lowered his head. She sighed, it was like coming home. He still cared, and he still longed for her. She could feel his need for reassurance and his need to be loved. She kissed him back reassuring him of her own love and desire for him. He responded and she could taste his hunger. The longer they kissed the more their passion grew. He broke away abruptly with a gasp and she saw the hunger in his eyes.

She took his hand, drawing him down to the ground, and whispered, "Come here, My King."

"We can't..."

"I know," she said softly, "But we can..." and whispered into his ear.

He nodded and kissed her again. She was happy to be doing what they could and to be able to give him the touch he craved. They lay cuddled close in the fading light, knowing they needed to be headed back at the house. They could have gone to the Grove to have more time together, but it held too many memories.

"April, I...thank you. How am I going to be able to breathe without you near me?"

"We will see each other soon. I will be here for two more weeks, then will be back at school. Perhaps you could come for the weekend after I get back. There is just 12 weeks until our wedding ceremony. You...do still want to have it, right?"

"Of course! Were you doubting?" he asked.

"No," she said. "I just had to ask."

He stood up and held out a hand. "We need to be getting back."

She stood and they walked back to her house with fingers intertwined, his thumb tracing soothingly along her fingers and palm. He looked more peaceful and she was content for the moment. But their argument still lingered in the back of her mind. For now they were patched up, but she knew they were not repaired and a knot of anxiety settled deep within her.

~~0~~

April was feeling numb. Peter had just left. His embrace had been warm enough and his whispered words of love in her ear heartfelt, but he was still closed off, and broken. She was broken too, she understood some of what he felt and let him go without a fight, mostly because of the argument they had the day before. She couldn't help but replay the scene on the train platform.

Lucy had hugged her tight and promised to write. Mrs. Pevensie also embraced April and told her they would see her often after she returned to school. Then it was Peter's turn. He gently kissed her and held her close.

"Don't forget me," she had whispered.

He had assured her that he wouldn't. But she knew all too well his tendency to get absorbed in his work, in his duties, he could close out the world very easily. She knew that was what he was going to do, it wouldn't be intentional, but it would happen.

After Peter released her and turned to get his bags, Edmund touched her arm. She gave him a pleading look.

"I'll take care of him," he promised.

"Thank you," she whispered.

~~0~~

She turned back to the potatoes she was peeling for her mother. The past two weeks had been peaceful. But she missed Peter. She missed him so much it hurt. She longed to just see him across the room, or to hear his voice. The nights were especially difficult. She was used to him being by her side. She didn't realize how much comfort she gained just from his presence. She wondered how he was. She had received a brief note letting her know he arrived safely. He said that with the fencing season coming to a close and graduation activities ramping up, he was going to be busy. She was glad. He needed to be busy. He was at his best when his mind was really active. To have stayed here with her in this place of silent grief for these past two weeks would have been torture for him.

Grief....what an exhausting adventure, one that quite frankly she was tired of, but it stayed...the thoughts and images unrelenting. The only solace she had was to be outside in her Mothers beautiful gardens. She had been helping her mother tend them. While Elisa was in school, she had too much time on her hands. Working in the soil and with the plants was a balm to her weary and aching soul.

"Mum?" she asked one morning just a few days before her scheduled return to school.

"What is it April?"

"This purple flower, it looks just like the ones that grow in the glade."

"Yes. I pulled it a long time ago from there. It does quite nicely in the gardens, although it does prefer some shade."

"Do you think...would it grow...in the Grove?" April asked tentatively, an idea forming in her head.

"Why, I think it might, there are not any flowers that grow in there naturally are there?"

April shook her head no and stared off into space as she was wont to do these days.

"Here dear, take this little one, plant it there, it might help you and serve as a reminder that life always continues, even when it seems like it shouldn't."

Tears slipped out of April's eyes as she took the tiny plant and root bundle and stood to her feet looking toward the forest. She hadn't been in the forest since she found Peter in the Glade almost two weeks ago. She missed it. The New Forest had always been her playground, her comfort and peace during times of stress and whatever small griefs childhood had thrown her way.

"Thanks Mum," she whispered.

~~0~~

April stared out of the train window at the passing countryside reliving the past few days she had spent with her family. It was bittersweet. She loved her family, but missed Peter tremendously. She had heard nothing more from him.

As the train pulled into a stop at a tiny village she noticed some purple wildflowers growing at the edge of the platform. They reminded her of the flower that her mother had given her. She remembered her trip to the Grove that day.

The forest had been so silent around her, as if in some way it was grieving right alongside her. At the entrance to the Grove she almost lost her nerve, but then remembering that this place was like home to her she stepped in. The memories were overwhelming. From when she was a little girl learning ballet steps from her grandmother, to the first time she visited there with Peter, then to the terror of the battle with the witch, to the beauty of the love that she and Peter had shared there together before...

She glanced over to the spot of the most recent memory and a wistful, yet tender smile appeared on her face. Oh, how she would have loved to hold her child in her arms and... Suddenly in the midst of the sadness, a soft breeze blew over her, one reminiscent from the times Aslan had breathed on her and with it came a beautiful and happy thought. She would get to hold her and Peter's child one day. Perhaps it would not be this one, but there would be a child.

A sigh escaped her and she fell to her knees next to the tiny mound and breathed deep of the forest air and the comfort that seemed to fill her lungs and surround her body. Aslan was here...Christ was here...He knew and He cared and with His help she would live and love and have a future. She smiled as she carefully planted the tiny purple wildflower over the mound and watered it with her silent tears. She would always miss this one, but life would continue. It would grow and bloom and one day it would flourish.

She looked around the Grove, the trees were still. She moved in a silent and slow version of her 'wake the trees' dance and then sat at the base of her Grandmother's tree and felt comfort and life return to her heart.

The train began to move again and so did her thoughts. She was ready to get back to a routine and to be busy. She had been stretching and trying to practice some, but she just felt so different. So...empty. Her body had returned to its normal thin and muscular state having come back from Narnia, but yet it was different too. It must be those 'remnants' that her mother spoke of. She hoped she would be able to handle the intensity of the physical training once again.

She thought of their cover story. It was Edmund who had devised the best one. She had been attacked in the woods over Spring Break. She hated to put her beloved forest in such a light - it seemed like betraying the trust of an old friend - but it was the only way she could account for her physical state and for her having to stay out of school for the extra two weeks. She would have to work really hard to catch up and be ready for the company auditions in July.

Shethen thought about Edmund. He had been very quiet during his visit here. He wasstrength incarnate to Peter, she could almost feel the silent bond between themtighten during the tragedy. Edmund had asked so many questions about all of theintrigue in Narnia. He didn't share his theories with her, but probably hadwith Peter. She wondered what Edmund would have seen and done differently if hehad been there with them. Would the pirate attacks have even occurred? Peterhad shared with her how Edmund was able to determine threats against the fourof them, either through his intelligence network, or just by his instincts. Sheknew Peter had felt very vulnerable while they were in Narnia without Edmund byhis side. In many ways he was Peter's shield and she was very glad to know thatEdmund would be watching over him. Peter would need it. She was afraid that hehad closed his heart, to her and toAslan.