Chapter Seven
Douleur et chagrin d'amour
Marlowe Castille
Healy, Alaska
December 1950

~
Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt.
-William Shakespeare
~

By the time the year 1950 was coming to a close, Alice and Jasper were in every way part of the Cullen family.

Alice was an easy fit right from the start as she, Rosalie, and I all bonded immediately. Alice was also a big confident for Edward and I as our gifts were very similar.

Surprisingly, Jasper was taken in by the boys very quickly. Carlisle, Emmett, and even Edward loved his stories of a life so different from their peaceful existences and they all worked to include Jasper in everything they did. The boys would take him hunting and get him involved in their games while Carlisle was always quick to pull him into the study for some guidance filled talks.

Alice suddenly let out a delightful scream of surprise, effectively pulling me out of my daydreaming. I had been cleaning up the kitchen as Rosalie and Alice did their nails at the island, and so I put down the cleaner and turned towards her.

"What did you see?" I asked her, laughing as she looked like she was bursting at the seams to tell someone.

"I can't tell you!" She squealed, jumping up and down in her seat.

"What?" Rosalie laughed at her. "Since when did we start keeping secrets?"

Alice quickly ran over and scribbled down something on the notepad Esme keeps in the kitchen for a grocery list before rushing back to Rosalie. She handed the note to Rosalie, who read it, smiled widely, and then tore the note to shreds.

"Sorry, we're keeping secrets now." Rosalie giggled and Alice shook her shoulders in her excitement.

"What on earth has gotten into you two?" I laughed loudly at their behavior.

"Marlowe." Edward spoke my name as he appeared in the doorway. "Would you like to accompany me on a hunt?" He smirked and the girls lost it giggling when I nodded. "Of course, you two are welcome to come along." He nodded and they shot up from their seats and out of the kitchen door.

"I have never seen them so wound up." I giggled nervously as he took my hand in his and led me outside.

"Leave them be." He laughed, looking calm on the outside but I could tell he was bubbling with nerves on the inside. "I know a good spot today, follow me." He ran off and I followed.

Edward being Edward, he ran up ahead of me too far to see. But, I could still track his scent and followed his mysterious path. The dark path suddenly opened up to a small icy clearing...

Where the entire family was waiting under a canopy of lights hung from the trees surrounding us.

"Edward?" I questioned him, hoping this wasn't what I though it was.

"Marlowe, stay calm, here take my hand." He laughed shakily as he pulled me with him under the lights.

"Edward, I-"

"I know it's not a real canopy, but I thought a canopy of light would be a good preface." He chuckled.

"Preface?!" I panicked.

"I love you." He declared soundly, making my fear turn into adoration quickly. "I love you beyond words, in English or in French, Marlowe Juliette Castille. Nothing I could say could ever possibly be enough. So, I'm hoping by professing my love here in front of our family you'll see the expanses of my love for you. I promise next time it will be a proper white canopy." He smiled dreamily down at me and I got swept up in his happiness, but then he got down on to one knee and I was sent spiraling back to reality. "Please, do me the honor of marrying me?" He asked me, presenting his mother's engagement ring to me.

The family all murmured and laughed in excitement, but I was too terrified to move.

She looked beautiful, absolutely stunning, even as her mascara ran down her face in thick black streams.

My mother was laid out on a chaise lounge, a glass of red wine in one hand and a cigar in the other, as she quietly sobbed.

"Mère?" My past self called softly from the doorway. I had to be no more than ten years old. "Tout va bien?" I asked her meekly.

"Non." She shook her head slowly. "Ne te marie jamais, Marlowe. Il ne vous apportera que douleur et chagrin." She tried to keep it together, but broke down sobbing again. "Les hommes sont tous pareils."

"Mère, l'amour est-"

"Douleur et chagrin d'amour."

"Douleur et chagrin d'amour." I repeated her, feeling her grief bleed into my own emotions.

"I'm not familiar with that expression." Edward told me, pulling me back to my present situation.

Edward, on one knee, proposing to me.

"I'm sorry, I can't." I shook my head, backing away from him in terror. The sight of the ring making me want to break down in tears. "I'm so sorry." I apologized to everyone before running back to the house and up to my bedroom.

I pulled at my long red curls in frustration, pacing about the room, before remembering to write my vision down. I was changing into my nightgown when Edward entered the room carefully.

"Are you alright, Marlowe?" He asked me gently.

"No, of course not." I snapped at him as I struggled to tie my unruly hair back. "Ow could you do zat to me?! Ow many times do I 'ave to tell you no?" I cried.

"You told me the first time I proposed to ask you again in twenty five years. I marked twenty five years to the day." He sighed.

He wasn't mad, he was heartbroken and frustrated.

Heartbroken...

"Edward, I'm not ze marriage type." I sighed, trying to keep myself from crying. "I'm so scared." I lost it sobbing as I clutched at my chest.

Edward quickly swept me up into his arms, holding tightly to me.

"Et only leads to chaos, and pain, and 'eartbreak." I cried. "E don't want zat for us. E don't want to ever 'urt you. E don't want to be my parents."

"Shh." He soothed me, cradling me lovingly. "It's okay." He promised me. "I know how devoted I am to you. Marriage is just a formality at this point. I don't need to be married to you as long as I know I have your heart for the rest of our existences."

"You do." I swore to him, pulling back to look into his eyes as he still held me. "You 'ave my 'eart for ze rest of our existences. Et's yours, always 'as been and always will be. I will never want anyone else ze way I obsess over you. Never. Only you. Forever. I-"

He cut me off then, locking his lips to mine and moving us onto the bed on our knees. His hands pulled at my sides, my hips, my open shirt, anything he could find purchase on. I was suddenly very glad he had interrupted my dressing, as my night gown was unbuttoned and allowed his beautiful hands easy access. One hand snaked around my waist while the other cupped my face sweetly, our kiss still nothing but passionate. "I love you so much." He swore to me, pulling me tightly to him in a more desperate kiss.

I couldn't hold myself together suddenly, and let out a sob as I sat back on my knees, ripping myself away from Edwards devotion.

"Marlowe, mon amour, what's wrong?" He cooed sweetly, brushing his fingers over my face as he tried to soothe my cries.

"I'm so unworthy." I shook my head. "You deserve so much better zan me." I cried, getting out of bed and marching into our closet. I threw on some jeans, a long sleeve, and some hiking boots before going to the door.

"Marlowe, wait." Edward sighed. "What can I do?" He pleaded with me, still sitting on his knees on our bed with a lost look in his beautiful eyes.

"I just need some time alone." I sighed, feeling the sadness threatening to overwhelm me again. "Je suis désolé." I apologized as I opened the door and went down stairs.

"Marlowe!" Esme jumped up from the couch in surprise. "Are you alright?" She asked, motherly concern radiating from her honey eyes.

I glanced around the room full of my parents, sisters, and brothers all looking at me with nothing but love and concern and I couldn't stomach the situation any longer.

I ran from the house, pushing myself to get as far away as possible in the shortest amount of time. I was hardly twenty miles from the house when I doubled over suddenly. I had no choice but to let the sickness wash over me as I dry heaved and gagged.

"You know they have a term for your condition now, don't you?" Carlisle asked soothingly as he rubbed my back. I hadn't heard him follow me.

"I'm not sick." I shook my head, but continued to cough up old blood that hadn't yet digested.

"It's called an Anxiety Disorder." He told me, still rubbing my back in soothing circles. "You get upset, nervous, or highly anxious and you throw up even as a vampire. You have constricted chest movements and you have even been known to forget English in your panic. You have an anxiety disorder, Marlowe."

"Zat es no excuse for 'urting ze man I love." I shook my head, gasping air I didn't need into my lungs in an attempt to calm down.

"No, it's not." He sighed, pulling me over to a log to sit down. "But he also loves you. And so he understands exactly what's going on in your head. He knows your trauma gives you these anxiety spells. He also knows that as a vampire your emotions are more heightened and so it's harder for you to work through things." He explained, tucking me closely into his side and holding me sweetly. "Plus, your parents aren't the only ones that have given you a reason to fear marriage. Edward certainly didn't help your abandonment issues by leaving like he did." Carlisle grumbled, borderline growling.

"Dad, that was so long ago-"

"It still hurt you none the less." He cut me off uncharacteristically. "He may be my first son, but you're my little girl. I have to have your best interest at heart. I don't harbor any anger towards Edward for what he did, but I will always have some reservations when it comes to him taking care of you."

"Carlisle!" I gaped at him. "He loves me, worships me even, what can you possibly be hesitant about?"

"How was he able to live with himself being away from you for over a year?" He questioned me. "Any other vampire would've been driven mad from the loss of their mate. Yet, he carried on without you. I feel anxious being away from all of you while at the hospital after a mere few hours. I can't fathom being away an entire year." He shook his head.

"I don't know." I shook my head. "Do you think we aren't mates?" I asked him, horrified at the thought.

"No, that's not what I'm saying." He calmed me, wrapping me tighter in his arms. "I'm simply trying to explain my concerns for you. You're more than entitled to be hesitant about getting married when you've never been in a position to face marriage before. Your gift makes you re-experience trauma and unfortunately the memories you're surrounded by have tragic marriages in them." He frowned.

"Tragic marriages?" I questioned him. "My parents are the only-"

"Don't think I don't know about you seeing Esme's previous life." He cut me off again and I froze. "You try to protect everyone but yourself, Chérie."

"She doesn't remember a lot of it." I told him. "What's the use in hurting her in this life as well?"

"You don't have to." He shook his head. "But you need more healthy ways of dealing with the emotions the memories bring you. Your parents adulterous ways and Esme's abuse shouldn't be allowed to rule your life in such a drastic way."

"Do you think if I was able to work through it better than I would want to marry Edward?" I asked him sincerely.

"You might. You might not." He smiled against my head. "But then it would be entirely your own choice, unhindered by all of these past relationships infecting your own."

"So, zen 'ow do I fix et? 'Ow do I not let et affect me?" I asked him desperately. "Please Père, you must 'ave some guidance for me."

"I have a few ideas." He grinned, kissing my head before standing and offering me his hand.

I took it and let him lead me back to the house, hopeful this conversation with my sweet father would mark a changing point in my existence.

I found my way back to the bedroom right as dawn was breaking and cracked the door open to find Edward in bed. He was sitting up under the covers, turning through a large leather bound photo album, and he looked up at me as I slowly entered the room and shut the door behind me.

"So...Carlisle and I talked." I told him, not knowing how to preface such a needed conversation. "We 'ave a plan now, you know, to fix me. I really zink-"

"Fix you?" Edward cut me off, whispering as he set the album down in his lap. "You're perfect." He marveled at me, nothing but adoration in his eyes.

"No, Edward zis es serious." I demanded.

"Well so am I." He retorted. "Come here." He motioned for me to join him in bed and I kicked off my shoes before slipping in beside him. "See? Do you see how perfect you are?" He questioned me, showing me the album page he had been staring at.

They were all pictures of me he had taken while I wasn't aware. There was one of me sitting dedicated at my paint easel, intense and focused on my latest artwork. Another was of me roughhousing with Emmett and Jasper; I was smiling widely while Emmett had me lifted high in the air so that Jasper could steal my shoes and run off. Then there was me sitting with Esme and Carlisle having a heartfelt talk. One picture was of Rosalie, Alice and I on Alice's wedding day all sharing a sweet sisterly moment as we fussed over Alice. And the final picture was of Edward and I, I was in a trance as I laid in Edwards arms. He was sitting on the couch, cradling me in his arms as he smiled lovingly down at me.

"Look at you, so kind and brilliant." He praised, looking the part of lovestruck teenager. "You're perfect."

I suddenly felt like the giddy twenty-two year old I was when I met this wonderful man.

"You have anxiety, Marlowe. We've always known there was something underlying going on, but now there's research and work put in to helping people who suffer like you do." He explained.

"I know." I smiled sweetly at him. "Carlisle explained all of it to me and now we have a plan to help it. Hopefully, with some time, I can work through things and take back some control in my life."

"Promise me you won't say you need to be fixed ever again, please." He begged me, pressing a gentle kiss to my forehead. "I'm proud of you."

"I love you." I promised him, snuggling into his side. "Can we keep looking at pictures, please?" I asked him, needing to focus on happy memories.

"Of course." He smiled down at me, wrapping an arm around me and pulling me in close.