"The things we love destroy us every time, lad. Remember that."
"Death is so terribly final, while life is so full of possibilities."
"And I have a tender spot in my heart for cripples and bastards and broken things."
"If I look back I am lost."
"Nothing burns like the cold."
—George R. R. Martin, selections from A Song of Ice and Fire

It was rare that a Dark Jedi died. Most of us had a bad habit of living longer than we should have, so when on of us died, especially ones so young as Niern and Lorna, it was made into a great deal. The whole planet seemed to bustle about funeral preparations and ceremonies.

It was only the first of many funeral ceremonies I have attended in my life. Everything was taken care of immediately, the next rotation at sundown. There is an image seared into my mind of their bodies blazing, like the heat of the fire seared that moment into my corneas.

The Dark Jedi granted me the horrid honor of setting them ablaze. The feeling of the coolly intense lightning brought back the fresh, scarring memories. Still, I managed to send their corpses to join with their souls, as was customary. Their ashes were buried in the Field of the Slain, the only battlefield on Nequek, where only a few hundred Dark Jedi lay at rest.

We never found out what the spirit that possessed Lorna wanted. We could only hope it was appeased and returned to the Cosmic Force.

Every hour that went by seemed like a blink of an eye. I soon found myself unable to cry, as if I had dried up the dam that held my pain. I barely spoke, even to my friends, who grieved just as much as I.

No one blamed me for what happened to Lorna; they knew it was necessary. But that didn't stop the guilt from rising up like bile inside me. I should have found another way or waited until someone more qualified could fix the situation. I almost wished that, instead of the kind words of my fellow Padawans and masters, they had yelled, screamed at me for my actions. It would have been easier to take than compassion.

For as much as I could, I trained. I trained all day and all night, never trying to sleep. I didn't need sleep. Dark Jedi could survive years without such rest. I pushed myself to my limits and then broke them. Instead of the ten kilometers every morning, I did thirty, still managing to keep the average time. Instead of medium-set droids, I set them to extreme. Instead of the digital landscapes that usually baffled me, I played in new, extraordinarily difficult ones that I was unprepared for.

Needless to say, my body was being continually exhausted without any sort of refuel. I did not sleep nor eat, and I barely took time to think. I siphoned off energy from the Dark Side, using it to replenish me when I felt weak. Often times I would be berated by physical pain. I had managed to obtain a new, impressive score of cuts and bruises, and my muscles ached constantly.

It felt inhumanly empty. I cared little for myself, and I welcomed any harm I could bring as a discipline for my actions.

I was so detached that I failed to notice the other people around me, which almost cost me another friend.

One night, Chinelo burst into my room, too frantic to knock. He looked winded and scared. "Nysa is gone."

I looked up at him with a sense of apathy. "Did you check the little girl's room?"

He didn't laugh. He didn't even smile. Uncaringly, he pulled me up and dragged me outside.

Once we were at the speeder, I shook him off. "Where the hell are you taking me?" I shouted angrily.

Chinelo looked more desperate in that moment than every other moment of desperation in his life combined. His love for his sister ignited something inside me.

As I reflected on those last few weeks, I suddenly felt extremely selfish. I felt tired and lonely and angry. Every emotion I had tried to block since Niern and Lorna's death suddenly flooded me.

If Chinelo hadn't caught me, I would have fallen down the steps of the Temple. I felt weak, the weight of everything that had transpired finally knocking me over.

But I took a deep breath.

I let myself breathe clean air for the first time in a long time.

I thought of my best friend and all the suffering she must be enduring.

Next thing I knew, I was bitter with myself. I neglected Nysa when she needed me the most.

I pulled myself up, knowing I needed to be a little stronger for a little longer.

I let Chinelo drive. He could feel Nysa the way I could feel Anakin, through a familial connection not even the Force could explain.

But as we got to to Dark Side of the planet, I could feel the ripples in the Force, all pointing to a central location. "Nysa," I whispered.

Our speeder began slowing down, shaking as it did. Even our repulsers gave way, dropping the whole vehicles into the sand.

I did not hesitate to jump out and run, Chinelo coming after me. It was only another minute when we could see Nysa. She was suspended in the air, Dark waves and electricity flooding off her.

She yelled in agony, knocking us backward. For some reason, I was still conscious. Chinelo was no.

I picked myself up again and ran toward my best friend.

"Nysa!" I yelled. The energy coming off of her  was as loud as a thunderstorm, but I somehow managed to be heard. "Nysa, listen to me."

I stepped forward with difficulty, her energy pushing against me. I had always known she was very attuned to the Force, but she had been able to knock her brother out. I had no idea why I was still breathing, much less unconscious.

"Nysa," I continued. "I know you're hurting. And I am sorry for not being there for you!"

Nysa looked at me with a broken expression. Niern was the one she loved more than anyone else. They had been together nearly two years, and they wore promise rings around their necks.

"I was selfish!" I called out. "I ignored you. I am sorry! Let me talk to you."

She did as she was told. Nysa neared me, eyes red with hatred but shattered like glass.

Despite the burning electricity, I grabbed her sparking hands, holding them close to me, ignoring the feeling traveling up my arm. "I can't imagine what you're going through." I admitted, blocking as much lightning as I could from my vital organs. "You are going to destroy yourself, Nysa. I can't let you do that.

I was wincing from the pain of the lightning. I knew how to block it well enough that it did not affect my thoughts or anything internal, but my skin crawled. "If you do that," I warned. "You'll have to take me with you."

I put all my emotions into my words. I changed my apathy into kindness and distance into sincerity.

Her burnt irises began dimming into their normal honey-color.

"There will always be pain," I admitted. "But, now, you needn't be alone."

I embraced her, holding her the way I had held Niern as he had died, with the hope that if I held long enough, they would return to me.

This time, though, it worked. I felt Nysa wrap her arms around me and cry into my shoulder. No matter what, I didn't let go.

After a moment, she looked at me, eyes glassy. I had managed to contain my sorrow for another few minutes and still ran dry.

"Arrai," She looked worried. When she reached up tenderly to touch my neck, I was surprised enough to wince at the heat.

When I undressed and looked at me mirror in my room, I was surprised to be covered in Lichen marks from Nysa's lightning. The patterns ran from my hands to my neck, going along my back to avoid any vital organs.

They popped out like bright blue veins. I thought that, on anyone else, they might have been beautiful. Once they scarred, they were my most prized feature, a reminder that I could never again be selfish enough to withdraw from the world and the ones I loved.

[A/N:
Out of three stories I had planned for this book, I've now completed two. The first was Arrai's arrival and initial training, and then it was the story of her very first losses.

I have one other one planned, one probably a little longer, but I had ideas for further storylines. The most I would want is five, but I could easily do that if I added longer chapters.

Also, I got super emotional during the last chapter. Like... I didn't even want to put an author's note...

Also, tell me how you like Arrai's friends. One idea from the last series was to include more OCs, which I have done to hopefully make the whole world of the Dark Jedi seem more real.

As always, I love you! Thank you for your comments and votes!

Peace, love, and
~Art