I've always wanted a place where I can write down my life on paper.

Ive always tried to start a journal or a diary of some sort but I was never able to be consistent. Not to mention my life keeps changing. I wanted to start this back when I graduated but things happened.

The most I can say is I've been through...a lot. Who hasn't been these days?

Most people would say I should see a therapist but not only are they EXPENSIVE Im not even sure if those people really care? At least the ones that I've spoken to so far.

Honestly I wouldn't even know where to start....I don't have the best long term memory and it's hard to remember everything in chronological order.

I'll start with my earliest memory, which I guess you can say is my birth.

My name's Chy, that's pronounced "Shy" but with a "C". I was born the year 1998 in the month of May. I was named after some country pop singer, but instead of an "S" like hers mines started with a "C" at first I thought "Wow mom you must have been a huge fan of this person to have named me after her."

"No" she said. "I didn't listen to any of her music, I just heard her name on TV once and thought it would be a cute name for a child."

Adding a "C" instead of an "S" was her way of making my name "special". Way to think real deep for the name of your first child mom.

My mother was 22 when she had me and she had never married my biological father, however I didn't find that out until years later, since she had told me earlier that getting married was how a baby was born.

So I spent years thinking they were divorced, it was when I kept asking questions like "When was your wedding day?" "How did your dress look?" "Do you have pictures?" or "Where was your wedding at?"

At first she gave me short simple answers that now I know she had thought at the top of her head and sometimes she'd say that she "doesn't remember" for the sake of not answering my question.

One day she grew frustrated with me when I asked her another question and she screamed at me. "Chy! I never married your father! The reason you were born was because your father and I had sex! So stop telling people we were married!"

Did I mention that I was seven when this happened? Of course at the time I hadn't fully comprehended what "sex" was, nor was she willing to explain it to me when she blatantly said the word to me.

I had an idea of what she was talking about though....and that's because something happened to me at an early age that I'm not the most comfortable talking about...

My Nana was married to a man back when I was four and for the next four years that man used to...

You know what...on second thought lets not talk about this right now, I'm getting off topic anyway.

So with discovering the truth that my parents were never married I had also learned the definition of a "bastard." Apparently being a "bastard" was looked down on which confused me since almost everyone I know is a bastard.

Society can be weird sometimes.

Another memory of mine was a memory when I was two. Its probably the only thing I slightly remember before the age of four since everything else before that time is a blur.

Part of the reason I remember is because there's actually a video of it that I used to watch over and over again when I was a child.

The video started out with a recording of my birth. Yes....a complete..visual...uncensored recording of me being born out of my mother. She had shown this video to me and two of my cousins when I was younger, her purpose had been to show us how painful childbirth can be and to "scare us" into not having kids at an early age. Whatever that meant.

Despite her original attention, I was fascinated by it. "So that's how I got here?" I always thought to myself. Even with all the blood in view I was amazed. We girls must be pretty strong if we can push out big headed babies like me.

The next clip of the video was me at home with my mom and Nana. They spent the whole video cooing at me and gave me my first bath on screen, then brushed my hair afterwards.

The next part of the video was my first thanksgiving. I was with my family and for the entire video they kept passing me around to each other taking turns holding me. Until I was given to my Great Grandmother who then refused to give me to anyone else.

At the time my mom was dating a man from Texas. I remember hearing stories about how my family was mad at her because she had decides to take me to spend my first Christmas with his family. Im sure the argument was much more heated than they make it out to be but I was eight months old so its not like I had a choice of my own.

Next clip was of my first birthday party. My entire family had sang to me and I was standing on my own in front of my birthday cake. My cake was a decorated with Blues Clues which is a show that has always had a special place in my heart.

It was moments like this that had me believe my family truly loved me.

Remember when I said that there was a single memory that I came remember when I was two and nothing else until I was four? Well that comes in the next part of the video which was another birthday party, but this time it was my cousins. I don't remember too much of the party itself but the part I do remember was the limbo contest.

Im not sure what compelled me to do so but when I saw that limbo stick raised above me something told me to grab it. The video shows me hanging from the stick almost as if I was preparing to do pull ups. Everyone laughed, but eventually they had to get me off so one of the adults had to pry me off.

The tape ended with a couple recorded episodes of Blues Clue's. I remember when I used to watch this video over and over again just so I can get to the Blues Clues episode. I used to sit in my thinking chair and write in my handy dandy notebook every time Steve found a clue.

Things seemed so simple when you're a child and the simplest thing to me was that my family could do no wrong especially my mother who I was convinced was always right no matter what.

Can you imagine finding out how utterly wrong I was later? They say no parent is perfect and believe me my mother was no angel, but at least the one thing I knew was that she loved me right?

Little did I know, that wasn't even true either....

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My first original story.

What do you guys think? Honestly this is more of an emotional outlet than it is a story so I really don't mind if no one reads it lol.

In case you do like it. Im going to try to post once a month but I cant promise that. I wont have a lot of author notes in this story either, so this will be one of the few times you see bold words.

So for anyone who is here. Thanks for reading😊