~I want to be honest, so let's get this straight and we can move on~

Hello wonderful readers,

You've probably sussed by now (since I say it all the time) but my name is Lauren, I am currently 15 years of age and here's a little extra fact, I'm sitting in my sisters room because there's a problem with the heating in certain parts of my tiny house which means that my room is like a bloody oven. My sister isn't here however and her room is...very pink. But anyway, that wasn't the point of this.

I'm going to warn you in advance, I'm going to ramble, like I always do because I like writing.

Because it's about time I told you this little bit extra about myself and my writing. In a nutshell...I want to be honest with you all. I was inspired to get this out there by @The_Fallen_Rose because I know Elena's been having this problem also and her writing is absolutely amazing. I don't know if tagging her with the @ symbol will make her see this, but it's okay because you guys know of her now and you should check her stuff out, her work makes me cry with sadness, happiness and also jealousy because I want my writing to be like hers.

Christmas is my favourite time of the year, I always look forward to it. When I was 11 I ran down the stairs to find a thin box waiting for me amongst all my other presents, I opened it to find an acer aspire laptop, which I was thrilled about as I had asked for one. I soon came to christen it Larry the Laptop, because I thought it needed a name as I used it a lot, a name that began with an L (I later came to...regret naming it that, but that is a story for another day). I noticed Microsoft word starter was an optional feature on my laptop and I began to write Harry Potter fanfiction as I had read a fair amount of it, I think I started with diary-type entries and then went on to a story. I soon realised I liked this 'writing' that I had going and I wanted to write more, I wrote about a spy, I wrote about werewolves, I wrote about a royal family (not the real one, but one I made up) they were all...awful. Just dreadful, no description, mainly dialogue and the best thing about it? No one knew I did it, my mum came in and I would close Larry so that you couldn't see what was on the screen but it was still on. Eventually she grew suspicious and asked what I was up to and so I said I was 'writing'.

I wanted to start afresh in 2013, writing was a thing that made me happy, and I wasn't happy at all that year for reasons I won't go into as I don't like dwelling on it, so my family took a holiday to a small Isle of the coast of England that I had heard a boy in my class once talk about, it was called the Isle of Wight and I was very excited, I knew that I wanted to start being a more positive person (which I feel I have achieved) and writing was going to help with that.

Anyway, I had heard about a writer's website called wattpad through a friend of mine, I had come come across it because my friend's name was mentioned in a fanfiction and she had sent me the link. It was called Wattpad, and I was fascinated by it.

I told my parents, the only people aside from one of my close friends that goes by the name Chrissy that I wrote little stories, they said I should sign up for it, so I did, and my mum helped me with the username campervangirl2000. So I decided I was going to publish my werewolf book, which I still own along with the spy and the royal one and the one I wrote about a band (a made up band) they are all on a memory stick shoved to the back of my desk drawer.

A part of me always loved writing, from the age of about 10 I told my year 6 teacher I wanted to be an author and she smiled and told me 'I have the work for that' because I loved and still do love English.

BACK TO MY BOOKS, so I decided that I was going to work on something new, I had no idea what though, so on about our third day I took my phone with me and got in the car, I put my ear phones in. I looked out the window as I pressed shuffle. Summer love by one direction came up, I was about to skip it, not really in the mood for a sad song. When I realised I could write about just that, a summer love. And you've heard me talk about that before so I won't dwell on it anymore.

So, a few months in, and the werewolf story was deleted, I began uploading a little book I was working on that I liked to call 'The Summer I won't forget'. But I got to chapter five when one of my real life friends started to follow me on wattpad.

I screamed when I found out and burst out crying, I ran to my mum and she suggested maybe I should tell her the truth, but I was happy with none of them knowing for the moment, so I took down the book and told her that it wasn't me. I had accidently voted for a chapter of her funny little book she wrote about my friends and I and...some other people... about if went on holiday to Ibiza... but she believed me so it was all fine!

But another friend sussed me out pretty fast a few months later when I had put it back up, I told her it wasn't me and she pretended she believed me, she told me that she loved this 'author's' writing and that made me smile and FINALLY admit to her it was me.

So then I felt bad and told some others, and then my mum started telling my relatives...and I still feel awkward about them asking me about it.

But the trouble was, some of these friends started to read it. That made me feel anxious and pressurised but...I kept doing it.

Unfortunately, I was (and still kind of am) the sort of girl that relied on votes and reads, I had hardly any and it made me feel so disheartened.

Because I still have hardly any faith in my writing, I tried writing to be as good as someone like @TheFreakoffreaks or Michelle Fillion or all these amazing wattpad writers.

So I posted about it in the wattpad forums and I nearly screamed when people started giving me encouragement, my reads started to go up, MICHELLE FILLION COMMENTED, I was so very excited.

But they were only reading because of Michelle adding it to her reading list...

This is the point I wanted to get to, I love writing don't get me wrong, but I am a very...insecure person who has no faith in herself, no confidence, and the same went for my writing and still does, I personally don't think I am good at it at all, I feel I could do so much better.

I often wanted to just quit, but my friends all said I could write!...But surely they were just saying that because they were my friend?

In November last year, I think I had just seen Mockingjay for my friend's birthday, I got into the car with a reader of my book and another friend. I had recently posted the chapter when Danzel broke up and I was reading the angry and sad comments.

I sighed at the good ones, because although they made me feel good, they didn't convince me still. I started to feel very guilty at some comments, I told my friends what I was doing as they had asked and it shocked me with the response I got, because my second book had a much smaller following, which brought me down a lot (Same with the account on Instagram) my friend had a go jokily at me at school. It was bizarre...they were actually enjoying my rubbish?

Because this is what this whole thing is about...let's be honest here, I am not a good writer am I?

And I'm sorry about that. I wish I was better, I can't take compliments as it is and I do the same with my writing 'wow Lauren your writing is so good' and I would reply 'no it isn't'.

Side track quick- I became very close to this girl who had a passion to read like me and loved the same things as me...I was nervous of her ever reading my books because they honestly suck, and she has such good taste in books and I was scared out of my mind...she told me she liked them a lot. But she would say that no? Because I am sensitive? And my guy friend at school, he read it without my knowledge, he also loved reading, he accidently voted for a chapter which came up on my news feed and I yelled at him, he told me he loved the book and was going to read the second one, my other guy friend agreed to. Telling me he thought it was a professional.

HOLD UP. But still I doubt myself, even with all these lovely things I get in real life and online, I can't believe it, I am just Lauren, a small girl with a small dream that I would like to one day, to maybe, be an author. Give my parents actually something to be proud of. But it won't happen because I'm not good at it, and that is my opinion.

Back to the car after Mockinjay.

So the girl in the front seat turned to look at me, my friend's mum wasn't there yet because she was talking to the dad, so it was the three of us. She smiled at me as I looked up questioningly from Frank...my named phone.

Now I can't remember her exact words, but I am going to try my best.

"This is so weird" she said to me, I frowned at her and she smiled.

"I'm sorry?"

She nodded at my phone "You are a writer Lauren, you write, you write really well, there are people that comment every week, reading your work from all over the world, and I can't believe that I know you in person. The person who a lot of people read their work. I just...it's so strange. I know you in real life, and they only know you through a screen and through your words. That's amazing"

A large smile formed on my face and I laughed a little bit, blushing because I can't take compliments.

"Um...thanks?"

I don't know why. And she will probably never see this. But that meant a lot to me, it really did.

I interact with loads of you (mainly my magnificent internet friend Australian friend @Sian2468 I NEED TO MEET YOU ALRIGHT? AND GIVE YOU A HUGE HUG BECAUSE I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUU) I used to chat every day to this girl in India, I talked to a girl from Croatia, from America...loads of you telling me how great I write...

But I don't have faith in myself, something my mum hates. I will say it again because that is the point of this note (Oh and I write on Martin now, my new laptop, along with Frank my phone, in the notes) I don't think I can write at all. I think my work is cliché and boring and I write it because I am a hopeless romantic who likes the idea of being in love, I don't see why people read it, and I hope one day to get that faith, accept the lovely comments I get. Even though there are only a small number of you.

But yeah I think I'm no good at it, but I'll keep doing it because I love to do it.

Sorry, this was longer than I thought, just thought I would let you know.

Bye now, I need to try and write some more ROS. Feel free to comment if you would like, I would love to hear your feedback. I always do. Try and convince me again hey? J I could do with the smiles.

THANKS FOR 8K YOU GUYS WOWOWOW I DON'T DESERVE IT BUT TYSM!

-Lx