It's been 212 days since I lost you. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss you with my whole heart. Some days I can get through and some days I'm not sure if I will.

It still feels unreal, like it's a long nightmare I'll wake up from. But every morning I'm forced to accept that it isn't, and I must find a way to live without you.

I see your face beside mine in a photo on the table beside my bed every night and every morning. Some days it's hard to remember the pain you endured and other days I think of all the days without you.

There is a silence I can't explain. Your space in my life is filled with a silence that surrounds me, reminding me of what I have lost.

I would give anything to hold you again and tell you how much I love you. I still question if I told you I loved you enough and how much you meant to me. Did I tell you how special you were to me?

The pain I see in your husband and children is hard because I know there is nothing I can do or say that will help. In the same way no one can do or say something that will make it easier for me.

Seeing Mom deal with the grief of losing you is by far the worst. She is the strongest woman I know, she never wavered once during your illnesses, or the late-night calls to the paramedics or the long hospital stays. She held me steady, and I don't know if I would have been able to cope without her.

She has always held us up, giving us hope in the direst situations when we weren't sure you were going to make it.

Maybe that's why your passing has hit us so hard. There were so many times your life hung in the balance, and you always pulled through until the last time when you didn't.

Not only have I lost my sister, but the only other person also who has walked the same life I have, shared in things and seen things that no one else understands. I've lost my best friend, who I knew had my back no matter what. And who would protect me fiercely.

The silence your death has left in my life is hard to deal with. It reminds me every day what I no longer have.

I want to say we have all figured out how to deal with your loss as best we can, but we are struggling. There have been some bad moments that will have lasting effects.

Some days I can remember all the good memories of you, and I smile for just a moment. Then there are days the memories of what you went through crush me, and I don't know how I can go on without you. Those days are the hardest.

Your birthday is fast approaching and I'm dreading it. Now I have two birthdays, side by side of the people I have loved most in this world. Dad and you. Instead of celebrating with cake and presents, I will be lighting a candle and wishing you both still here.