Home?

This was place wasn't home. It was cold and lonely. All the light and bright colors that were showing in the apartment was gone. It was replaced with darkness and dull colors that no longer meant anything to Phil.

Nothing meant anything to Phil.

Without Dan, what would? His job, his apartment, and his hobbies were all something he had shared with Dan. YouTube would no longer be the same, and how would it? He could imagine it now, countless of news channels on YouTube making videos titled

YouTube sensation DanisnotOnFire passed away.

He could imagine their fans sending him pity, and saying how sorry they were for him.
He could imagine the video edits and fan art for him that would show Dan as an angel or disappearing from Phil.
But Dan didn't believe in the afterlife, he didn't believe in the supernatural. Dan wasn't going to be walking around as a ghost, wishing Phil could see him because all he could see it how much pain Phil was in. Dan wasn't going to be an angel flying above him and protecting him at all times.

Dan was gone.

Just gone. His body six feet underground and his soul somewhere else, or just gone as well as his presence.

Phil sat on the couch and pulled out his Phone clicking onto the Twitter app and scrolling through his notifications. Him and Dan haven't tweeted anything in two weeks and he guessed their fans were getting worried. Phil didn't want to tell them so soon, when he could barely tell himself that Dan was dead. He didn't want to leave them in the blue either or lie. His brain was fighting with itself, yelling at him for different things.
Yelling at how it was his fault that Dan died as well as how it wasn't his fault too, it was yelling how he should tell their fans and at that same time not to. His head ached, his heart ached, he just... ached. He checked his phone again, there was no new messages other then the few that were already read. Martyn had texted him earlier saying if he needed anything he would be there, which he left on read. He also got a message from his mom who was saying that same thing, he left that message on read too. Then then the message before those was Dan, it was a message Dan had sent complaining on how Phil ate his cereal again and they needed more while Phil was out grocery shopping. Phil sent back a simple
'ok <3'
That was their last text message, a day before Dan committed suicide.

The thought alone sent shivers down Phil's spine. He knew Dan dealt with depression, and also knew Dan had some suicidal thoughts back in 2009; but he thought he was better. He should've asked more if he was okay, he should've said more 'I love you's', should've gave more hugs and kisses when he needed it or even when he didn't, he should've cuddled him more, should've showed he cared more.

Just a bunch of should've's
Well it's too late now, he's dead and it's all your fault.

His mind came to that conclusion causing tears to roll down his face. It was all his fault, he essentially killed Dan.
What if it was his fault entirely that Dan swallowed those pills? What if he was so stressed and depressed about their relationship and their community that he couldn't take it anymore?

2012...

His mind wandered instantly back into that horrid time. Dan was distant and lost a lot of weight during that time. He was taking some of his anger out on his fans and was just not happy.
But Dan in this day and age didn't show any sadness or discomfort with their community, in fact he seemed the happiest he's seen him since he met him. They were in a good place, the tour had just ended, they were back in their apartment, they were posting more, he even talked about getting piano lessons. Dan actually had a lot of ideas that he wanted to do and Phil was going to encourage him through each step of the way.

He was.

Those words echo through his mind, torturing him. Killing him slowly without a weapon to be seen. He wanted to hold Dan again, he wanted Dan to hold him again, he wanted him to be here again. He missed him, his heart ached for him more then it has ever had before. He would go through all the heartache they shared together all over again if it meant to just hold him and tell him how much he loved him one last time.
He wanted him back.

But you don't always get what you want.

Phil ended up sleeping on the couch that night, tears staining his red blotches cheeks and dreams of Dan, and only Dan filling his brain.