A sob is let loose from his mouth, his body trembling as it's wrapped around the all too familiar black and grey duvet.

It smells like him.

He buries himself completely in it, blocking out any light with the duvet. He can feel the damp places where he has already sobbed into.

Why Dan?

He can't get it wrapped around his head why he would do something so.. drastic. Thoughts fly through his mind causing another sob to wretch from his mouth.

Dan's body was already taken care of, a funeral would be placed when him and Dan's parents decide.

Oh god the funeral.

Will he even attend? Phil couldn't stand seeing Dan's face again, the pale cold face that use to be warm and bright. The image was still implanted into his mind; Dan's eyes closing and his arms falling off of Phil's back, his face draining of color. Phil's stomach lurched at the thought, a gag making up the way to his throat. Quickly, he ran to the bathroom and vomited up his last meal, maybe even the one before that. He sat down on the cold bathroom tile, quivering as he clenched the toilet seat. He had tears dripping down his cheeks, snot coming out of his nose and throw up resting on the corner of his mouth and chin.

He looked like a mess.
Heck, he was a mess.

Without Dan he wasn't anything, how could he be? They went through everything together and now what was he suppose to do? Forget about him?

'Forget about me.'

Those words echoed through Phil's mind causing his stomach to lurch once more and to throw up again into the toilet. He couldn't just forget about Dan, forget about his literal one and only.

The irreplaceable.

Their community always mentioned how Dan and Phil were made for each other, Phil thought that too. Phil actually thought a lot of things. He thought they were going to grow old together, thought they would adopt a dog, or a child, or maybe even both; Dan did love children.

Did. He did.

Tears poured from Phil's eyes unwillingly. Phil thought they would grow old together and then reminisce about their life together, when it was all well in the past. But now, Phil was only going to grow old and the image of Dan would remain the young 25 year old who had so much to live for. Life was going to move on, the life he did have with Dan will go from a week ago, to a month, to years. Just the other day they were watching Steven Universe on the couch, smiling and cracking jokes. That day will change into
'that was years ago'

Phil's eyes looked around his surroundings, this is where Dan had died, where he had died in his arms. Suddenly Phil was crouching over the toilet again, spitting up all left over food in his stomach making him start to dry heave over the smelling toilet. He wish he could just throw up his heart, die without having to put in effort like Dan did. His dry heaves started to mix with his sobbing, and it was getting hard for him to breath. His body soon realized he had nothing left to throw up, and stopped him from heaving; and he wish he it would have continued and he would have just suffocated. He released his tight grip from the toilet and just cried, cried till it was hard to breath, cried till he produced hiccups instead of sobs, cried till he could produce no tears, cried till he could cry no more.

He realized he would have to get up, friends needed to know, since the only people he has called was Dan's parents. Slowly he lifted up from the bathroom floor, tears staining his red cheeks as his shaky pale hand flushed the toilet.

He walked out of the bathroom and into the hallway his red blotchy eyes looked around, his mind blank, it was so hard to think when all you could think about your boyfriend being dead.
Just the word, just the mere thought of him made him want to collapse again and cry. He wanted Dan to be here, to hush his hiccups and rub his back soothingly like he did whenever Phil got too worked up and too stressed out and just broke down. Although he did that a lot with Dan too, he was with him through everything. He was with him through his existential crisis, which may seem like a joke to their fans but was actually terrifying to Dan, he was with him when depression just took him over and he would just break down and cry, he was with him just so he could vent and use some helpful advice. Surely, Dan knew Phil would help him with whatever caused him to consider suicide right?

Right?

Two sides of his brain were yelling at him, one side saying he didn't do enough and the other saying he did all he could. They were voices in his head just reminding him that Dan could have died because of him. He screamed cause that's all he could do, crying was no longer an option because he was just mad at himself for not doing enough, not getting to the bathroom fast enough when Dan was struggling to breath. He screamed until his throat grew red and raw, he screamed when he got cut off when his lungs and voice could take no more. He didn't care about the neighbors, all that he cared about is that boyfriend could be living if he had just

tried hard enough.