Edited

Published: Sunday, August 12th 2018 2:21 pm

Republished: Monday, April 5th 2020 4:16 am

"Tell me again." Yasin and Amina sat besides each other on the living room couch, both searching for words. She had all of the words Yasin was asking for, the words he needed, yet they felt so few.

With tears streaming down her face, Amina clasped hands with her husband and rubbed them softly together. "He said she's awake." She sniffed, smiling happily despite her tears. "He said she's okay."

He turned to her, his eyes red and glistening with tears. "She's okay." He repeated, and Amina nodded again. "Well we have to go to her now!" He exclaimed hurriedly, jumping to his feet and trying to head for the door.

Amina stopped him by grabbing his arm with a chuckle and pulling him back down to sit with her. "In the morning." She promised, holding him tight. "We'll go in the morning."

He nodded in agreement although he was ready to go there now. Nothing else mattered in the instant except for getting to Safa and never letting her go. Yet he relaxed on the couch and thought of his youngest daughter. How she would smile at him as she saw him; how he would embrace her tightly when he neared her; the amount of times he would say he loved her. But that would have to wait until later, he knew. But for now he would think of her.

***
"You did what?" Hajra swung her legs back and forth on top of the table, her eyes wide. The spoon she was using to eat her ice cream froze mid way to her mouth as she gaped at Amir. "Was that a good thing to do or are you stupid?"

Amir snorted, shrugging his shoulders aimlessly as he pushed his cereal around with his spoon. His head hung low and he stared at the now soggy food in front of him.

"I never told her my name again since she woke up." He said, his voice almost a whisper. Hajra leaned in to listen to him, her brows furrowed as she tried to put some more pieces together from last night. It was late when he had gotten back and she was already in bed, scrolling on her phone. But the minute they had both gotten up for breakfast, she didn't miss a beat and immediately questioned him on why it took him so long to get home.

His excuse was not what she was expecting. I sat in the car at the hospital for about an hour, he had told her, and she silently listened to him speak. The sadness was hard to miss and so was his pouting face.

"I suppose that makes it sort of okay, but Amir." Jumping down from the counter, she closed the lid on the pint of ice cream in her hands and placed it back in the freezer. "I know this is painful to stay away and act like strangers, but you will feel worse if you find out you jeopardized her recovery."

If possible, his head slumped lower. "I know."

"So just...." She waved her hands around wildly, causing him to look up at her with a slight smile at her frustration. "I don't know, be careful. I don't know what you're suppose to say in situations like this, other than be smart. Okay?"

"Okay." He nodded. "You don't have to worry about me."

Hajra shook her head, looking over to the picture frame above the counter. The memory of when it had been taken brought a smile to her face, especially since the face she made resembled anything other than a genuine smile. Her hand went up to touch around her face where the acne she used to have was. In the picture, her hair stuck to her face from the rain pouring down. Amir had stood behind her, using his own hands to spread her cheeks apart to smile at the camera. Their parents hadn't yet noticed what they were doing and were instead grinning widely themselves for the picture. To anyone who knew basic tourists sites, time square wasn't hard to spot as the background.

Instead of keeping her eyes planted on her young self, her eyes drifted off to her parents stood behind her and next to her brother. They had been gone for almost a year but it felt like forever. The house felt empty without them there. With it just being her brother and herself, it wasn't the same anymore. The last few months had made it feel worse. Amir spent all of his time at the hospital and she basically lived at school and work. A house with no one in it didn't feel like a home. What she would give to go back a few years...

"They'll be back before we know it." Hajra turned around and nodded as if agreeing to Amir. He smiled softly at her as if reassuring her of his words.

"It's just been so long, you know?" Hajra walked over to sit on the opposite side of the table from Amir. He didn't have to answer her question. They were his parents too, of course he understood what she meant. "The house seems so sad. Can't you tell?"

Amir swallowed deeply, looking away from her and to the picture. "I definitely can tell. But we have to remember that this is what they wanted to do. They took this opportunity to help others. We should be happy for them."

"We should." She shrugged. "But I don't want to. Call me selfish, but I want my parents here with me. Nowhere else."

"If wanting someone who is gone to be with you, only you, and no one else is selfish...." Amir tilted his head to the side to get a better look at the photo. His hand absentmindedly reached up to take hold of the necklace he had on as he rubbed his fingers against the chain and its contents. "Then I guess I'm selfish too." He finished.

His movement didn't go unnoticed. Hajra's shoulders slumped as she realized what she had started. He didn't do that in memory of their parents. The real reason was a sensitive subject that she tried to avoid lately. In the beginning she would press him to talk about what he was feeling with the hope that it would make him feel better. It didn't. Although he had gotten so much better now than he was when it first happened, he was far from okay.

"I have to go." He abruptly got up from his seat and grabbed his bowl, pouring the milk into the sink.

Hajra shook her head out of her thoughts and furrowed her brows in confusion. "Aren't you off today?"

"In a way." He sighed, rinsing off the bowl and spoon and placing them in the sink to be washed later. "I'm going to see Safa's parents to explain everything to them." Amir explained, and Hajra stiffened at the mention of them. Amir noticed, but he kept quiet. That was a story for another day.

"Aren't you on good terms with them?" Hajra folded her arms in front of her on the table, waiting for Amir to answer. He shrugged, leaning against the counter.

"We're good...I think." He shrugged. "They blame me, I blame me, so we're on the same page."

"Well whoever thinks that you're to blame is an idiot." Hajra clenched her jaw and began to bounce her leg up and down in annoyance. For months she watched Amir beat himself up over what had happened. All she wanted to do was scream to anyone listening that they were wrong and to leave him alone. Safa wasn't the only one hurting, he was too. But yelling and screaming only made it worse last time. And even she partially believed that she held some of the blame for Amir not speaking to Safa's parents.

"Even so, I have to do this." The finality in his voice made her stay quiet and just listen.

"Okay." Hajra held her hands up in defense and stood up from her chair, marching out of the kitchen and towards the stairs. "Just don't expect much out of those people." She called over her shoulder as she began walking up the stairs, and added the next part quietly. "I most certainly never will again."

*
As the days passed it seemed like the list of things to do had begun to get longer. Several books were scattered about all over the house including the couch, table, her bedroom, and even the kitchen. That was a step up from the food she had in there. With Adam gone, Ana didn't feel the need to try and shop for more food when it was just her in the house. She had learned to live off of small portions of miscellaneous food scattered about. All she needed was a few ingredients to make something decent and she would be fine.

However, as much as she tried to keep her head focused, her mind was somewhere else. Her thoughts were with her sister. She continued to wonder how she was now that she was awake. Anytime she wanted information she would make sure to either call the hospital or Amir. He had a lot on his plate, so did she, so she knew not to bug him too much. A part of her wondered if her parents knew what was going on with Safa. She might have had a fallen out with them years ago, but as a mother she understood the need to updated about her child. It scared her to the point of shivers as she thought about how she would feel if Adam was in Safa's place. Her heart went out to them, but only for a short while. She and her parents still had their differences which would always keep them at arms length away from her.

"Looks like today is not a good study day." She said to no one in particular, staring at the books in front of her with narrowed eyes. Like many times before, she had the same reaction when it came to studying. Sometimes it felt as if she was a child again who wanted nothing more than to just go outside and play rather than learning. It used to drive her parents crazy. Maybe that's why she continued to do it. Studying never felt right for her so she would just improvise in school. For years that had gotten her thus far. But now studying felt differently. Perhaps it was because she knew that this time around it wasn't just for her, but for Adam as well. Her education exceeding last high school would help him too.

From the moment she found out about him she knew that they would be alone against the world. In no way did she think her parents would approve, and she was right because they didn't. He's just a few years away from how old she was when getting pregnant with him. And even though she was in the same position, she would be disappointed to learn that he had gotten himself into the same position just like her. But unlike her parents, she would never cast him aside for their pride. She would never look at him any differently than as her son.

Realizing that studying was proving to be useless, Ana had gotten up and walked over to the kitchen table where the pizza box was. Even by herself she had eaten half the box with no regrets. Some people mature and grow once they become a parent, but she could tell she was the same person she had always been. Except she wasn't always the only person eating out of the box. Once upon a time ago she would be home alone with her younger sister Safa and they would routinely order pizza and watch movies. It didn't matter to them that dinner had been made and their parents encouraged healthy eating. Pizza was their go to snack, and even now it still was.

Times like this made her miss Safa more than ever. They hadn't lived together since she was a teenager, but Ana still remembered how it would be for them to be together in their childhood home. They were lucky enough to each have their own room, but very rarely would they be a part for long. Safa would crawl in bed with her during a thunder storm or because she was lonely and missed Ana. They thought of themselves as sisters as well as best friends. They were inseparable, loving, and very protective over each other even with their four year age gap. They were each other's other half. And right now, the other half was missing for them both.

*
Safa woke up tired and feeling alone the next morning. It wasn't as bad as the first night, but it was still close to it. The nurses whose names she was just starting to know were a friendly sight. It was because she knew who they were and that they were trying to help her, even if their help wasn't what she wanted. Maybe it was what she needed. She didn't know. The only thing she knew was that there were secrets floating around about her. The nurses must have realized she knew half of their conversations because they started taking into consideration that she wasn't asleep all those nights they would talk outside of her door. Her door would be cracked a little, the lights out and she would be laying on her side away from them, but she heard everything.

"Knock, Knock." Doctor Brenner softly pushed open her door with his back to her, then revealed the tray that he was holding. It was the breakfast she had forgotten she had requested. The thought of eating didn't even come to her until her stomach was growling from hunger telling her just how long it had been since her last meal. The doctor and the meal were both welcome sights.

"I completely forgot about it." Safa commented, pulling her covers closer around her like she always did when someone started to come close to her. It brought her comfort. "It smells good." She said with a small grin.

Doctor Brenner nodded in agreement and set the tray down on her nightstand. He then pulled out the eating tray attached to her bed. The moment the smell reached her nose she couldn't help herself and began to eat, using her hands.

"Let me get out of your way." Doctor Brenner said in amusement, then walked away to pull the chair in the corner with him near the bed. "So." He sighed, and she looked up at him with a full mouth. "How are you today?"

Safa swallowed before answering. "I think I've been better before." She shrugged. "Not that I could remember anyways. I didn't sleep."

"You couldn't fall asleep or you didn't want to sleep?" When all Safa simply did was shrug, Doctor Brenner leaned forward with his elbows on his knees. His eyebrows raised in a way to tell her to tell the truth.

"Both." She admitted quietly. "I'm tired all of the time, but then I'm also wide awake because I've been asleep for so long. The only time I do sleep is when I'm really tired."

Doctor Brenner listened to her explain what she was feeling, not at all surprised about what she was feeling. Safa was his first case with amnesia caused by trauma. He read up on every book he could find and asked other doctors who dealt with cases like hers for a consult. Their answers were all the same. She would remember on her own time, and any sort of pushing would only ruin the progress.

"Are you afraid?" His eyes bore into her face even though she was looking away from him. She had given up on eating halfway through their conversation and decided to just stare at the wall.

Again, she didn't answer or even turn to him. It was like she couldn't move or think. She was just there. Her body was there but her mind wasn't.

"It's okay, Safa." The Doctor reassured her. He kept his eyes on her and waited until she was ready. As much as he wanted to, he couldn't push her. She had to be ready. "It's okay to be afraid. But you have to know that you're not alone."

"I don't know who I am, but...." she trailed off as she looked at him, then gestured towards what she was wearing. "I know I'm not the girl in the hospital gown. I know I'm not this version of me."

"You want normal clothes?" Doctor Brenner raised an eyebrow and Safa nodded. "That can be done."

"Whose going to get me my stuff?" She asked, this time angrier. She lifted an accusing finger towards him. "You? My family? Do I even have a family?"

"You do have a family." He knew he could tell her that. One of the doctors he talked to recommended explaining that the patient, Safa, had people to lean on. But it was up to her whether she wanted to see them.

"I-I do?" She questioned quietly, sitting shell shocked in her spot. "Why aren't they here? Do they even care?" Her breathing began to get heavier and she began to look around the room as if they were there, watching.

"Shh, shh." The Doctor stood up quickly from his spot to calm her down and explain. "They aren't here right now." He said, and her breathing began to slow slightly back to normal. "They can be if you want them here."

"I don't know." She said, and he nodded in understanding. "I just want to be alone. Leave me alone, please."

"Okay." Doctor Brenner began to back away from her as a sign that he was leaving. "You're not alone, Safa." He said again. He already decided long ago that no matter how annoying it may seem to continue saying it, he would say it until she believed it. "You're not alone."

"Please just leave." She said a little bit louder, and he did. He needed to keep an eye on her. This was the part he was warned about. Her moods would go up and down and her emotions would be confused. She would want to know everything even if it wasn't best for her. There will more than likely be bouts of depression from the fact that she's confused about what to do and she'll feel more alone than most people can realize. She could develop anxiety as well because of all of the unfamiliar people, things, and experiences that she will go through.

As much as anyone would want her family to be with her, she had to be the one to ask for them. It may not seem like it at first because she needed some support, but family could be a trigger for her. She could see them and remember everything about them, and in the end she could be fine. Or she could remember everything that happened from months ago that put her into a coma, and she could go right back into that coma with a high chance of never waking up again.

The road to her recovery would be long and most likely hard, but Doctor Brenner and the staff assigned to her were prepared to handle whatever came next. They had been preparing for months about what to do when she woke up as they did with every other patient they had. The goal was to be patient and Doctor Brenner knew that. He wasn't the person that had him worried about patience. Amir was his friend and he had to sit back and watch him suffer for months in and out of the hospital. Even Daniel didn't know how much longer he could take before it all became too much.

*
She felt guilty. She didn't want to feel that way, but she did. God, what was wrong with her. It was like one moment she was fine and the next she was ready to rip someone's head off. Before, the only thing she wanted from anyone was answers. But now it feels like if anyone says anything and it upsets her, she will explode. Because of this she spent the next few hours curled up on her bed crying. Tear after year kept falling out of her eyes no matter how badly she wanted to stop it. She couldn't stop it.

When do your eyes run out of tears? Safa lost count of how many had come from her eyes, down her face, and onto her pillow. They wouldn't stop coming. The only thing she could think of was trying to distract herself. It helped some, but she still felt bad. Safa had only known Doctor Brenner for a short while, but he was very nice and willing to help her. The nurses would come and go, and sometimes a few of them would make conversation. But she was never up for it. Would anyone in her position be up for making small talk? She highly doubted it. Most small talk involves finding out other people's likes and interests. As far as she knew, she had none.

But one thing for certain was that she knew she liked the sun. The room was dark with the curtains closed, but a little light still found a way to shine through on the sides of the window and under the curtains. It was night when she woke up, she remembered that. It was early morning and the room and hospital floor was quiet. The night was ending for some and starting for others. For her the night reintroduced itself to her. All she knew was months of darkness and sleep. They told her that much.

Her heart ached to hear that it had been months since she had experienced life being awake. But even being awake and seeing the light, she was still in darkness.

"I can open those up for you." A voice added from behind her, and she gasped, jumping up from the bed to a sitting position. The blanket that was around her was now being clutched for dear life. The nurse that had made the outburst widened her eyes and covered her heart with her hands. "I'm so sorry!" She apologized, guilt written all over her face. She was new, Safa could tell. Which would explain why she didn't announce herself. "I was just checking on you and I thought you heard the door open. I..."

"You scared me." Safa spoke up, her grip on the blanket only slightly loosening. She didn't know her nor did she trust her, but the initial shock of seeing the new nurse was going away. She saw so many of them that her shock didn't matter anymore.

"I know." The nurse began to walk slowly away from the door until she was stood in front of the bed. Safa kept her suspicious glare on her. "I'm new here and my supervisor assigned me to you. I'm Angie by the way." The frown she had disappeared, and she offered her tan hand towards Safa to shake. Realizing that Safa wouldn't take her up on her offer, she quickly pulled her hand back and chuckled nervously. "That's okay." She waved off. "You don't know me. I don't know you. It's probably too early for contact. Right?"

Safa nodded slowly, still eyeing her. "Right."

"Can I get you anything?" Angie asked quickly, her eyes still wide. Safa couldn't take her eyes off of them. She had never seen someone's eyes so big. "Food, a Doctor? Anything?"

"No you can go check on someone else." Safa opted to say. She wanted to continue being alone. Safa wanted Angie to take the hint without sounding in any way mean towards her. Despite the fact that in the first few minutes of meeting she had scared the life out of her, she liked her.

"Okay." Angie nodded and began backing away, taking the hint. She didn't pry as to why Safa wanted her to leave. She didn't hound her about eating and getting out of the dark like the others did. She was different, like Doctor Brenner. Where was he, she wondered. "I'm sure you already know to press the button if you need anyone and anything, but..." Angie cleared her throat. "Even if you don't want anyone or anything, you can press it. If you just want some quiet company or vocal company, press it. I'll be there."

Safa smiled genuinely. She hadn't done that since seeing the doctor that helped with her tv. "Maybe." She shrugged. It was the best answer she could give without lying. Especially because even she believed it.

*
Amir's car came to a slow halt as he eased his foot down onto the gas. The windshield wipers could be heard as they swished the oncoming rain away. Rain. It was such a prevalent memory for him. The small but mighty drops had caused some emotions in him that he thought he would never feel again. And with good reason. Almost all of his memories of rain only proved painful now. Although most of them brought a smile to his face and heart, the heart wrenching memories kept him from reliving any of them.

So with a deep breath he turned off his car and pulled his hood over his head. Even through the rain he could see the small house he was parked in front of. It had been a while since he had been there, but he hadn't forgotten much about it. The garden that was always nurtured with love and care was growing in abundance. The lawn that stayed freshly cut was beetle cut as it walkways would be. And the house that seemed to always be falling apart, yet would always be repaired as quickly as possible still had the chipped white paint on it. It was a comfortable home. Her home. He couldn't mess this visit up.

"Amir?" Amina pulled the screen door open and allowed him a way inside. Amir wasted no time and practically jumped inside, shivering from the cold rain. After Amina had shut the door, she turned around to him in confusion. "What are you doing here? Is something wrong? Did you forget to say something when we last spoke?"

"It must be that if he's here." Yasin walked slowly from the hallway and raised his hands until they were folded across his chest. "So what happened?"

"Let him sit down and warm up first." Amina said, then turned to Amir. "I'll get some towels. Wait here."

"How's work?" Yasin broke the silence when it was just the two of them. Neither of them had moved from their spots. Amir rocked on the balls of his feet as the coldness from the rain began to reach his skin and even further to his bones. Even though the walkway to the house couldn't have been more than a few feet, he was near drenched from the downpour.

Yasin waited for him to answer, but kept his eyes on him. It had been a while since they had seen each other let alone Amir being in their home. It was almost foreign to have seen him there. He wondered if something was wrong. Just then the thought of him telling his wife Amina to stop worrying began to make him worry himself. Was she right to excessively worry? Was something so wrong that it made Amir stop by? Only Amir could answer those questions. So steadying his heart rate and deep breaths, he waited.

"Work is the same." Amir's smile was so small that it was almost unrecognizable. "There are always people who need help. I'm glad to help them."

"And my daughter?" Yasin asked at the moment Amina stepped into the front room with the towels. "Is she the reason why you're here?"

Amir wasted no time beating around the bush and nodded. "Yes."

"I knew it." Amina gasped, walking over to the couch and placing a towel on it, then handing an extra one to Amir. He thanked her and went to sit down. Amina followed by sitting on the opposite side of the couch, while Yasin took the chair.

"I didn't think it was right to tell you over the phone." Amir had explained, placing the towel in his lap and setting his elbows into his knees. "But it is about her. She's awake."

"So you said over the phone." Amina smiled politely at him, yet the anticipation for what he came to say was killing her patience.

Amir cleared his throat and braced himself for what he was about to say. "She is awake and well." He assured them before anything else. Their looks of relief allowed him to continue. "She had been evaluated and is getting better every minute. But..." His eyes trailed off, afraid to say it. Daniel had agreed to go there with him or even speak with Safa's parents when they arrived at the hospital.

But this was something that he had to do alone no matter how hard it was going to be. He looked up at their worried eyes as they turned angry. He didn't blame them. He was after all delaying news of their child's health.

"Her memory isn't well." He finally said after what felt like years, yet he knew it was only mere seconds. They looked shocked, confused, and everything he was expecting. But most of all, they looked broken. "When she woke up she couldn't where she was or what had happened." He said. "She can't remember who she is."

"No!" Amina cried out and pulled her hands over her mouth, her eyes wide and filled with tears. "What do you mean?! Why can't she remember, Amir?!"

"I don't know." He said, sitting there as helpless as they felt. He couldn't do anything either. "There just has been a complication from what happened months prior the first time she woke up and hit her head. A few months ago."

"But you can fix it?" Yasin asked him, his teeth clenched, his lip quivering, and the finger he had pointed at Amir shaking. "Tell me you can fix it."

"Only by possibly hurting her." His voice was so low that if they all weren't quiet, no one would have heard him. He was trying to keep himself from breaking or his voice from cracking. Like always, he was trying to be the strong one. "I've barely been around her for fear that if I get too close, all her memories will come back too fast."

"And that would be a bad thing?" Yasin asked, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"It can be extremely bad." Amir admitted to them, his own mouth beginning to clench from the words that were about to come out. "She could have a seizure and go into a coma again. And this time she might not wake up."

*

The masjid used to be a safe place for Ana, and in a way, it still is. And even though she never thought of herself as a very religious person–she knew people could tell that much by the type of person she is. But she never failed to show up to the masjid every single week.

There were days when her imaan would be at her lowest and she would do something she later regretted. Whether it was defying her parents and taking off her scarf, going to a party after school and having a drink of alcohol. Even down to how much time she used to spend with James in school and out of it. No one knew. Not Ana and definitely not her parents. The shame she felt afterwards was too much to bear or to tell anyone. So she went to the only place she felt safe and comfortable. The masjid. As usual, the doors would always be open for anyone to go inside. She always went, usually after something happened and she needed to feel better and comforted.

Anyone else in her company would say that they would only see her on Friday. But no one knew she would be there almost everyday. But that stopped when she committed what she thought of as the ultimate sin twelve years ago. That was when she became pregnant with Adam at sixteen.

Twelve years ago

Sixteen year old Ana sat at the table in the dining room with her textbooks in front of her, and her hand on her now swollen stomach. All she wanted to do was sleep until the nausea and morning sickness would go away. It all hurt and she wanted it all to end.  But it was something she knew was her fault. So this must be the punishment that was given to her.

"Well that was a waste of time." Her aunt said once she had walked through the front door and took the seat across from Ana at the table. She wore a scowl as she bent down to take off her shoes. "Your father is so dang stubborn, Ana. He just can't see reason."

"So it didn't go well?" Ana already knew the answer. It had been weeks and nothing much had changed. Her parents still felt the way that they did about the situation. They weren't willing to compromise on their values which only hurt. She could tell that they no longer loved or cared about her.

Her aunt straightened back up after taking off her shoes and shook her head. "Sorry, kid." She sighed. "Looks like it's just us alone in this." Ana began rubbing at her stomach and groaning. Her aunt noticed and put her hand on one of Ana's many textbooks. "You can finish this later. You go rest."

"It has to be turned in by Monday." Ana protested, holding a hand to her forehead. "I'm almost done anyways."

"No you're done now." Her aunt reached across the table and closed Ana's textbook. "Go lay down for a while. You can try again later."

Ana really wanted to protest again to prove that she was fine. But her eyes went wide and she made a mad dash to the bathroom and to the toilet. Her aunt followed after her and held her hair back as she threw up into the toilet. All she wanted to do was cry. It was horrible. Everything that was happening was horrible. Even more so because she knew it was her fault. It was her choice and she had to deal with the consequences.

"Tomorrow is the weekend so maybe it'll be better." Her aunt offered her optimism but Ana didn't respond. She squeezed her eyes shut and blew out deep breaths. How could she forget? It was Friday. The day that her routine always stayed the same. Except for the last few weeks. Because now this was her new routine. She couldn't go back to the masjid because everyone knew what she had done.

If there was a period in her life that she would describe as dark, she wouldn't hesitate to admit that it was twelve years ago. That girl, teenage Ana, no longer existed now but she would always remain with her adult self. As a reminder; as a guide; as an example. But now she's a grown up with a child and a life of her own. If it wasn't for her aunt none of her newfound happiness would exist. She owed it all to her.

Because it was the middle of the week, not many people were inside. The air felt free, clean. It was a welcome sight and smell. Ana immediately reached up to grab a holy Quran from off of the shelf, smiling at the feeling of her hijab sliding down her back. It felt good, almost like a cape. Her cape. Her armor. The masjid felt like her safe place once again. After that she found a seat on the ground and opened to find her first Surah. What cane next was peace and tranquillity. She missed it even though she was there just the other day. But for her it was too long. If she could do anything else for the rest of her life, it would be this.

***
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