Strands of long grass tickle my feet as Liliana, Ricky and I all walk barefoot through the field. Our bikes wait for us on the other side of the gate. Liliana and Ricky are having a conversation about their lives, their studies, their families. They're so happy and calm. They have their stresses, of course, but they're happy at least. The past doesn't taunt them, their memories don't hold them back. Liliana was afraid to leave school because she was scared of the future. I was excited to leave because I couldn't wait for mine. But she had no reason to be scared. I, on the other hand...

I watch them with both envy and joy. I want their freedom and happiness, I want to be able to talk to who I want without fearing an argument, I want to talk freely without worrying that what I say will cause problems. I don't want to be scared of living my life.

Even if I leave Peter, I'll still be scared. I'll fear that he'll be lurking around every corner I turn, ready to ruin me more than he already has.

"You should have a sleepover at mine tonight," Liliana says to us both.

Ricky nods in agreement, eager for her suggestion. I so desperately want to say yes, but then realise what problems will follow if I do. Peter will never let me hear the end of it if he realises I've met Ricky, let alone stay overnight with him.

"I shouldn't," I decline in a regretful tone, feeling my stomach sink. "I've got college tomorrow."

"We won't stay up late," she assures me. "Come on. Please? We haven't done this in ages."

"And if you're worried about what your boyfriend will say, don't listen to him. Don't even worry about it. You can't let him prevent you from living your life," Ricky adds.

They both grin and raise their eyebrows at me, knowing that I'm considering it and trying hard not to decline. They finally convince me enough that I roll my eyes and hesitantly nod my head, agreeing to the suggestion.

Liliana lets out an excited squeal and rushes us back to our bikes so we have more time to prepare for the sleepover that we haven't done in a while. Hayden used to join us, so it'll be weird to only have the three of us there.

I know Peter will hate me for this, but I decide that it will be a problem I'll solve tomorrow. For now, I just want to live. I want things to be the way they used to be; with my friends at my side and no worries pulsing through my head without pause.

As soon as we get to Liliana's house, I'm eager to see her mum and dad who have always been second parents to me. My shoulders slump due to the comfort I feel as soon as I'm in their arms. I close my eyes, suddenly so tired. Sleeping hasn't been an easy thing recently, but closing my eyes and resting under this roof seems to happen so easily.

Vanessa tucks a strand of loose hair behind my ear and bends down an inch to be the same height as me. She smiles softly, her touch is so tender and delicate. I always feel so emotional when I see Vanessa because she was always the mother I never had. Being in her presence is proof enough that she would never bring me any harm. She's cared for me for as long as I can remember; since the day Liliana invited me over for dinner. I played on their trampoline, but at that point they didn't have a net. I accidentally fell off and landed on a small rock on the grass. It didn't hurt much, but I was bleeding, so I thought it was the end of the world. Vanessa came running to me with a first aid kit. She cleaned the blood and placed a plaster on the wound, being so careful not to hurt me. I remember gazing at her while tears ran down my cheeks, wondering why my mother never did the same for me. My mother did care, sometimes, but I only ever remembered my dad hugging me tightly and carrying me when I hurt myself. Vanessa and Trevor put a net up after that. From then on, they were always there; when my mum left, when my dad was struggling, when mum got married, when I finally left her.

Usually Vanessa says something like: "You're glowing today", but she just stares at me with sorrow in her eyes, like she knows everything and can see what I'm going through and how much I'm struggling. She says nothing and pulls me in for another hug.

Trevor walks by and scuffles my hair with the palm of his hand, revealing a big smile before he hugs his daughter and kisses the top of her head.

How did we get such loving families?

Liliana and I smile at each other, perhaps with the same thought in mind.

Grateful. So, so grateful.

"How's your dad?" Trevor asks me.

"He's good, bit stressed about work."

"He works hard."

I nod my head. "Very."

"We'll need to have a barbecue soon," Vanessa says. "I'd love to see Gary and Issac again, it's been so long."

"It really has," I agree. "I'll talk to my dad and get him to give you a call to arrange it."

"Brilliant," she says while clasping her hands together before glancing at Liliana. "Your dad and I are ordering pizza. Would you like us to get one for you three?"

"Yes please. Thanks, mum." She looks up at her dad and gives him a side hug. "Thanks, dad."

We make a camp in the living room, using blankets and pillows like we always used to when we were little. We lay on our stomachs under the blanket that we use as a tent, eating our pizza as well as other snacks. The only light in the room blares from the TV in front as we binge watch all our old favourite movies. I look to the empty side on my left, forgetting that Hayden's not here.

It feels wrong for him not to be.

"Always thought you'd end up together," Ricky says after noticing what I'm fixated on.

I shake my head and pretend to not know what he's talking about. "What?"

"You and Hayden. You can't deny the connection. He was crazy about you. There was never a day when he wasn't talking about you. You say you didn't, but it was obvious you felt the same. Maybe not as strong, but you still liked him."

Liliana smiles sadly at me, not disagreeing with Ricky's observations.

I can't deny them either, because everything he said is true. Was true. I did have feelings for Hayden, even when I tried to lie to myself about it. Deep down, I always knew. He liked me, too. He would have done anything for me. But I ruined it. Ruined any shot of happiness that was possible. Why did I do it? For a friendship that crumbled apart anyway. For nothing. Because I was scared. Because I was a coward.

"He still asks about you," Liliana tells me softly.

"Really?"

My chest hurts.

They both nod.

"You should have seen how hard he smiled when I told him how well you were doing at college," she says. "He was so proud."

He is all the good in this world. But I ruined it. I ruined it.

I smile. It's a bittersweet smile. Joyful to hear these words that make my heart beat fully again, like life is being breathed back into it. Sadness for the person who loved me so much, but I lost.

"He still feels awful about everything. He hates himself for how he made you feel," Ricky tells me.

I don't question this, because I know how much Hayden belittles himself for any tiny thing he does. Everyone makes mistakes, it's how we learn and grow. How we improve from it is all that matters. But to him, he's the worst person in the world. Little does he know, he's far from that.

I've never hated Hayden for what he did. I felt such anger and betrayal, but I know how much he regrets what happened and what he did. I forgave him a long time ago; long before he messaged and tried to resolve things. He didn't have to do it, but he chose to, even though it meant admitting he was wrong. Hayden's always been like that: admitting his mistakes and realising when he's wrong. He doesn't hide from it or pin the blame on someone else. He does everything in his power to make up for it.

No-one good would do that.

I lie on my back and gaze up at the neon stars on the blanket that reflect from Liliana's light.

"Do you remember how Hayden and I would always have tickle fights right here?" I whisper, smiling at the memory. "He used to shriek with laughter."

They both laugh in unison.

"Yeah, and then we found out that he was only pretending to be ticklish so you could be closer," Liliana splutters out, holding her belly as she laughs.

"I felt so betrayed after that," I joke.

"The boy is just not ticklish whatsoever," Ricky sighs.

"Lucky him. I can't even have a back massage without jolting around and crying with laughter." I smirk and shake my head, remembering the time Liliana laid me on my front and gave me a massage to practice. It was awful and she couldn't keep me still, so eventually we swapped over and she forced me to continue the massage for half an hour because she felt so relaxed. Eventually I stopped because I was growing tired myself.

Liliana reaches over and tickles my neck, so I quickly swat her hand away and manage to refrain from laughing.

"I promise this will be the last time I ask, but please can you just speak to him?" she begs, her face pleading. Ricky looks just as hopeful.

I shake my head and smile apologetically. "There's no point. I'm with Peter, I'd never be allowed to meet Hayden. Maybe things are better this way."

Ricky shoots off the floor with his eyes wide. "They're definitely not. Things are way better when we're together as a group."

"I'll admit, we had some pretty good times. But things are different now," I tell him. "Trust me, I want things to go back to how they were."

"Then let's do it."

"No, Ricky. I'm not going to do it. What's done is done."

"But you miss him," he challenges.

"Of course I do. Hayden was one of my best friends for years."

Liliana raises her eyebrows. "Exactly. Don't let Peter stop you from getting back in contact."

"It wouldn't be fair. You know how much I liked Hayden. It would be disrespectful for me to hang out with him when there's history there."

"Didn't stop him from hanging out with Mercedes. It's pretty obvious he likes her, but he didn't think about you," she mumbles. It shocks me to hear Liliana speak up, but I also feel proud that she's finally gaining some confidence.

"I'm not like that. I won't stoop to his level," I tell them before shutting off the light and crawling under the blanket. I close my eyes and try to ignore the whole subject by blocking them out.

Liliana and Ricky say no more about the subject, but what they do do is start to hum the song that we would always belt out when we were younger. Though things are tense, I turn to face them and beam a smile at the tune that brings back millions of memories.

"Goodnight," Liliana whispers to us after we finish humming and snickering.

I smile and lift the blanket to cover my shoulders, feeling so safe and warm; something I haven't felt in a long time.

"Goodnight."