Remember why you started

*****

Feelings don't give you a time and place before they come crashing down on you with all the strength that they have. Feelings don't really consider the fact that you may hardly know the person that you're so hopelessly attached too. And feelings don't really warn you when they're about to strike. My feelings right now? Well they were a mess. My brain was telling me no but my heart was headstrong on yes and I was stuck in the middle. Truth was I was scared and I wasn't sure whether I was scared by the fact that Elliot wanted to explore my depths and understand me or that fact that I was willing to let him. I tried defying the turmoil inside me whenever we crossed paths but just one look at me dissolved all of the defences that I had put up.

My soul had been hidden away and my thoughts were pushed to the deepest corner of my mind. I refused to break and let me feelings show or to betray a single emotion that would give me away; but the rapid beating of my heart whenever my eyes would fall on him could only mean one thing and that was something I wasn't ready for.

I couldn't sleep after Elliot had left; my mind was running at 100 miles an hour trying to keep up with my heart constantly flashing back to the way Elliot had looked at me; he had beautiful eyes, the kind you could easily get lost in. And maybe that's why I did. Knowing sleep was a far cry I finally gave up and instead sat on my balcony, a blanket thrown around my shoulder.

This had to stop, there's no way this could go on but talking to him put me in such a giddy mood. Just a 'hey' and I swear everyone else around me can hear the beating of my heart. The hours passed by and sleep still hadn't paid me a visit so instead I threw the blanket back onto my bed and headed for a shower. I let the hot water cascade down my back try to relax my tensed muscles as best I could; not knowing exactly how long I had stood under the water I eventually turned the water off wrapping myself in a towel. I stood in-front of the vanity staring at myself in the clouded mirror before sighing pulling out my toothbrush. I quickly dried myself off throwing on some grey sweatpants with it's matching cropped sweatshirt.

"Morning honey" Elaine said as I walked into the kitchen. I froze not expecting to see her home. Since my time at the Black household I had hardly seen Elaine or even David for that matter, they were constantly busy at work or attending work-related events.

I smiled genuinely happy to see her, "Morning, Elaine". She was busy flipping some eggs on the pan turning the stove off before turning to face me, pulling me into a long hug.

"I'm sorry I haven't been around much, but Elle, you and I are definitely having a girls day today. How does shopping sound?" Elaine looked guilty as she locked her arm into my own leading me towards the dining table.

"Don't apologise Elaine, it's not your fault and that sounds great" I would take up every opportunity to get away from the house today. To get away from Elliot. As if on que Elle skipped into the kitchen taking a seat opposite me digging straight into her breakfast; I insisted on washing the dishes so that Elle and Elaine had the chance to get ready but very quickly came to regret my decision when Elliot strutted into the kitchen one hand across his mouth stifling a yawn the other rummaging through the fridge. Oh, and did I mention that he was shirtless?

"Morning, princess" Elliot smirked seeming to enjoy the sight of me squirming.

"Don't call me that" I scowled not looking at him. "And put on a shirt" I added as an after-thought.

"Why?" he took two large strides so that he stood behind me, his chest only a mere centimetre away from my back.

"Does it bother you?" his warm breath fanned the back of neck and I couldn't hold back the shudder that left me. I quickly turned off the tap drying my hands before practically jumping 6 feet away.

"Ofcourse not, it's just not the best sight to look at" I scoffed but only the Lord knows how much I was lying. Elliot was clearly into his fitness and his chiselled abs very clearly vouched for him.

"I don't think I believe that" he laughed stepping towards me again.

"Well, you should" I crossed my arms over my chest standing my ground ignoring the way Elliot's eyes scanned me head to toe. He cleared his throat taking a step a back and instead took a seat at the table.

"You going somewhere?" Elliot asked scooping up a spoonful of cereal. Before I could answer Elaine walked back into the kitchen her car keys in her hand with Elle in tow.

"We are having a girls day, get some shopping done and maybe stop for some ice cream too" Elaine winked at me tying Elle's hair.

"You ready?" Elaine asked looking at me. I nodded throwing on my trainers following Elaine out of the house trying to push away the guilt when I saw Elliot's sullen face. Elaine had bought me a large amount of clothes which I argued heavily about but she was having none of it. I had been stopped a couple of times when a group of girls asked if they could get a picture with me for which I happily agreed to.

"Thank you agreeing to today, Jess" Elaine thanked as we sat down for Ice cream. Elle had found some class-mates at the small ice-cream parlour and had left us to take a seat with them. Elaine took my hand in hers giving it a small squeeze.

"And thank you for being good to Elliot" she continued. My eyebrows unconsciously furrowed not really understanding what she was trying to saying.

"What do you mean?" I asked looking at her for answers. She cleared her throat pulling her hand away from mine and instead began to play with the ice-cream in her tub.

"Elliot has been through a lot these past few months Jess, he lost himself quite a bit." Elaine looked down, guilt crossing her face, "Constantly being called into work always made me feel guilty about not being there for him. But ever since you've gotten here I feel like I've got my baby boy back. He seems happier" she flashed me a grateful smile. I smiled at her words, the thought of Elliot being happy, warming up my heart.

"There's no reason to say thank you, Elaine" is all that I said even though what I really wanted to say was that Elliot had been good for me too. He distracted me from my losses and from my grief. He made me happier. I don't have the answers for how and why but simply put he just did. We spent another hour making small talk before we decided to make our way back home.

I had planned the day out so that I could finally practice a cover that I had wanted to upload to my channel but my trip with Elaine and Elle had side-tracked me - not that it was a bad thing. I had side-tracked my YouTube life since moving to LA but it was now it was time to get back on track. I was determined to go straight to my room and crack on with some practice but was very quickly side-tracked once again when I ran straight into Alyssa.

"Remember us?" Alyssa squealed pulling me into a hug.

"And what exactly is going on here?" I asked following Alyssa into a living room which was currently occupied by Sira, Jacob and Elliot, who I was still very much trying to avoid.

"We were just about to play truth and dare, you came just on time" Sira announced making herself comfortable on the floor across Alyssa.

I started taking a few steps back towards the door. "You guys carry on, I've got some stuff that I need to sort out".

"Nope, I'm not going to hear any excuses. You're playing" Sira was having none of it, so I planted myself down onto the floor right next to her which also happened to right opposite Elliot. Elliot took the lead and spun the bottle in the middle watching it as it stopped just in-front of Alyssa.

"Dare" she grinned.

"I dare you to make someone in this room blush" Sira dared looking specifically between Alyssa and Jacob. Alyssa winked at Sira before she pulled Jacob closer whispering something into his ear. Jacob's face instantly went red, his breath hitching slightly. He stayed frozen for a couple of seconds before he began breathing heavily, shifting uncomfortably as he did.

Sira groaned. "That's cheating. You're supposed to say it out loud"

"You never said that" Alyssa shrugged and I tried to hide my smile when I saw Jacob pull a pillow onto his lap. Elliot noticed it too throwing me a knowing smile. Sira spun the bottle again and it slowly came to a stop in-front of herself.

"Dare" she responded immediately. It was silent for a few seconds before Alyssa took the liberty upon herself to give Sira a dare.

"Give me your phone" she put her hand out in-front of Sira. Sira instantly grabbed her phone hiding it behind her back.

"What? No. Why?" she yelled as Alyssa tried grabbing the phone from her hand.

"Because your dare is to let us message anything to anyone on your contact list." Alyssa smirked not waiting for an answer as she immediately snatched Sira's phone out of her hand.

"Am I missing something?" I asked looking between the two. Sira hid her face behind her hands which made Alyssa grin wider, if that was even possible at this point.

"There's a dickward named Steve who needs to hear a specific selection of words from me." Alyssa said as she finally got her hands on Sira's phone. Turns our Steve was Sira's ex who had cheated on her. Apparently he had been let off way too easily when Sira refused to let Alyssa have a 'word' with him but now was Alyssa's chance. Alyssa typed aggressively for a good few minutes before she hit send. Sira read through the message her eyes widening.

"I've blocked and deleted him. I don't think I want to know how he would respond to that." Sira sighed locking her phone screen leaning forward to spin the bottle again.

"Oh God" I sighed when the bottle stopped in-front of me. Elliot rubbed his hands together looking straight at me. This wasn't going to end well, was it?

"Truth" Elliot frowned when I took the easy option out. He thought for a while before speaking up.

"When was your last kiss?" Elliot wiggled his eyebrows at me with a knowing smile. I glared at him ignoring the burning looks I was getting from the others.

"Yesterday" I whispered knowing no one actually heard my answer.

"You what? Don't think anyone heard you" Elliot cupped his ear in exaggeration leaning forward. The trio sat with us looked between us trying to make sense of our small interaction.

"Yesterday" I said once again a little louder than the last time. Alyssa let out an audible gasp slapping my arm.

"You sly little....with who? how?" Sira asked knocking her shoulder against mine.

"Elle had to re-create something for her drama class and Elliot and I were the actors, that's it. There was nothing to it" I mumbled not mentioning the second kiss right after that. Elliot smirked knowing exactly what I was doing but didn't press further into it. The game went on a few more rounds until Alyssa asked me a simple question that made my heart sink to the pit of my stomach.

"Biggest regret?" she had asked. My thoughts went straight to Daniel and my heart clenched. Do I tell the truth or should I lie?

"Taking the time I spent with my brother for granted" I finally spoke up deciding to tell the truth. Whenever you lose someone you love, you have those lingering regrets. You wish you spent time with them a little more, listened to them a little more or even laughed with them a little more. But by the time you realise, it usually already is a little too late.

Sira smiled at me. "You could always rectify that now". Elliot looked between Sira and I knowing full well what Sira said could never happen. I swallowed the lump in my throat, looking down at the carpet underneath me.

"He passed away" I whispered.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know" Sira apologised looking embarrassed. I gave a her a small smile not knowing what more to say. I felt a warm hand creep into mine with a small squeeze. I looked up to see Elliot giving me a small smile. I cleared my throat not wanting to cry in-front of everyone so instead just got up and retreated to my room. I sighed sitting on my bed looking at the picture of Daniel and I.

"You have nothing to feel guilty about" I only realised I was crying when Elliot's had came up to wipe the stray tear that was making its way down my cheek. I quickly wiped my face moving away so Elliot could take a seat. Was I that easy to read? Truth was I did feel guilty; I felt guilty that I had run away from my problems instead of facing them. I felt guilty for running away from Daniel.

"You're allowed to live your life, Jess. You can't keep yourself tied up. I didn't know Daniel but if he was anything like you I know that he would want you to live your life the way you should. With no guilt and no regrets." I slowly registered his words replaying them in my head again and again. He was right.

It seems so simple when you think about it, but it took me a long time to figure out that happiness is experienced when we finally give ourselves permission to let go of the things that make us sad. But with that being said, I would never let go of Daniel; instead I would live alongside the loss without letting it drown me in guilt.

So I let it go. I was ready to vibrate higher and become a magnet for happiness because now I'm in a place where everything feels right. My heart was calm, My soul was lit and my vision is clear. I'm more at peace with where I've been and at peace with where I'm heading.

I got a little close and that is all it took. I was captured. Because sometimes that's what happens when the heart recognises home.