There's bravery in being soft

*****

If Sira and Alyssa had noticed the little interaction between Elliot to I they didn't comment and the rest of lunch passed by without another comment regarding Elliot for which I was thankful for and instead they had hijacked my timetable so that they could compare it to their own.

"We all have gym next" I stood up following behind Sira to dump our trash before following her into the gym changing rooms. Before Alyssa, or even Sira for that matter could show me around, a tap on my shoulder interrupted us. I smiled at the beautiful tall brunette who was smiling down at me

"Hey sweetie, what are you doing hanging at with these two?" She looked between Sira and Alyssa before smiling at me sweetly. A little too sweetly.

"What do you mean?" I looked at Alyssa who was glaring at the girl with Sira who was quite literally holding her back.

"I'm Taylor" she walked around to come stand in front of me. "Someone with your type of popularity should be hanging around with us" she pointed to two other girls who were watching everything from the side-lines.

"Popularity isn't everything, and I'd rather stick to my morals and not look down on others" I brushed her off walking over to Sira and Alyssa. 

"It is here!" Taylor practically screeched. "You know what, you can stick to these two losers, I was only being nice" she didn't wait for a reply and walked away instead. I stuck my tongue out at Taylors retreating back before facing my duo who looked embarrassed.

"I just realised I don't have any gym clothes" I pointed out as Alyssa and Sira began to change into a pair of shorts and a t-shirt with the school logo printed on both.

"You can borrow a pair from the office" Alyssa pointed to the door in the corner. I smiled in thanks walking to the office asking for some spare clothes. 

"Just make sure you shower afterwards" Sira laughed looking at clothes that were definitely a size too small.  I rolled my eyes at her changing into the clothes and following them out to the gymnasium where there was already a mix of groups lounging around on the benches. I pulled at the shorts that sat mid thigh looking at everyone else's knee-length shorts. I noticed a couple of lingering stares before I noticed Elliot glaring at me. What's his problem?

"Is something wrong?" I asked Alyssa as we sat on the bench making my shorts rise a little higher.

"I'm not sure" She shrugged continuing her conversation with Sira. I saw Elliot clench his fists. Why's he so pressed? I noticed Taylor muttering something along the lines of 'begging for attention' before turning back to Elliot. Elliot shot her a glare, walking away from her and towards his other friends instead. 

"Right class, up we get" The gym teacher clapped gathering us round. "Since I gave you such a tough class last session we'll keep it light this time around". Let me guess it'll be something like dodgeball.

"Dodgeball, now gather around in teams" she said full of excitement.  I scoffed with a small smile. As it is every time. I stuck to Sira and Alyssa and let them form the team not really wanting to play.

"Losing team does twenty raps" the gym teacher yelled. I definitely wanted to play. The game started and balls began flying. I mainly stood at the back waiting for everyone else to do the main body work until the players in my team began leaving the court one by one. Sira had also been hit off so only Alysaa, me and one other boy were left on the court with Elliot on the other side with another guy and Taylor. 

"Come on, keep on moving" the teacher yelled as Elliot's eyes locked onto mine. He raised an eyebrow in challenge, slightly smirking, playing with the ball in his hand. 

"Challenge accepted" I mouthed at him making him grin. He stepped two steps forward before shooting his shot straight at Alyssa. Despite how hard she tried to avoid it the ball scrapped past her knee successfully booting her out. Elliot raised his eyebrows, sticking out his lips in a pout mocking me. I scowled at me watching my teammate pick up the ball.

"Your turn" Elliot called out staring down at me. I nodded catching the ball my teammate threw towards me. I looked at Elliot and then back at Taylor who was stood beside him. Adjusting my footing I aimed and took a shot towards Taylor. Taylor stood in the same place staring at Taylor hoping - begging - Elliot to stop the ball for her. Before she could do anything herself the ball hit straight into her abdomen making her double over. I did a little courtesy when she looked up to glare at me. That one was for the looking down on my friends. 

Elliot grabbed the ball again passing it to his teammate whispering something in his ear. His teammate gave him a curt nod before throwing the ball with no warning towards the guy on my left. 

"That's cheating" the guy moaned but left the playing area regardless. Elliot grinned at me again knowing he had me beat.

"You play dirty" I muttered picking the ball up. 

"Come on then" he smiled crossing his arms across his chest. I ignored the flutter in my stomach focusing on the ball instead. 

"Go on, Jess!" Sira yelled from the bleachers. I smiled at her before shooting the ball straight at a startled Elliot who automatically grabbed his teammate hiding behind him.

"What the hell, dude" his teammate groaned as the ball hit him.

"Loser" I yelled at Elliot. He glared at me playfully picking up the fallen ball. "Let's see who the actual loser is" he replied dribbling the ball between his hands.

"At least I don't hide behind others" I taunted. He shrugged his shoulders before he aimed at me. I ran to the other side of the area successfully avoiding the ball. This went on for a couple minutes before I got extremely breathless. Wow, I really needed to hit the gym. Seeing my flustered expression Elliot just laughed before he shot the ball at me again. This time I didn't have any energy left to run and therefore just stood there waiting for the hit. 

"Nooooo" Alyssa and Sira groaned in unison as the ball hit me. I shrugged apologetically before they both burst into a smile. 

"Good game" the teacher clapped her hands. Good game? I was two minutes away from passing out. I walked over to the bleachers taking a seat trying to catch my breath. 

"You good?" someone laughed handing me a water bottle.

"Don't" I scowled at Elliot taking the water from his hand making him laugh harder. 

"How you finding school so far?" he asked looking around to see my team doing laps. 

"It's alright, still need to adjust a little more but it's good." Elliot nodded shuffling a little, clearing his throat, his eyes flickering to my shorts before back towards the ground. 

"Bro, you did me dirty out there" the guy Elliot had used to hide behind ran up to us staring at Elliot.

"Sorry" Elliot muttered not really caring taking a seat next to me. The guy still stood there with a raised eyebrow waiting for Elliot to say something. Elliot sighed before standing up to face me again.

"Jess meet Jacob, Jacob meet Jess" Elliot introduced. Jacob grinned jumping in-front of me.

"His bestest friend in the whole wide world" he pushed Elliot's shoulders with his own making him groan.

"That's not a word, but good to know" I laughed looking at the duo. Jacob shrugged taking the seat next to me that was originally Elliot's. Elliot opened his mouth to protest but before he could Taylor had dragged him away. 

"Ew, get away from her" another voice said walking towards me and Jacob.

"or what?" Jacob teased standing up to meet Alyssa with Sira by her side. 

"Don't talk to him Jess, he's a weirdo" Alyssa glared at Jacob who was seeming to enjoy every minute of the confrontation. 

"You love every bit of this weirdo, don't lie" Jacob said before he wrapped his hands around Alyssa's waist planting his lips on hers. Sira came to sit next to me as I stared in shock.

"That's Jacob, Alyssa's boyfriend" Sira said looking at me. I smiled at Alyssa who played with Jacobs hair. 

"They only just got together, they're still in their honeymoon phase"  Sira gagged made me laugh.

"Can you believe they couldn't stand each other at first" Sira added attracting the attention of Jacob.

"Actually, she couldn't stand me. I fell head over heels for her the second I saw her" Jacob teased making Alyssa blush. The rest of the day passed by uneventfully. I hadn't seen Elliot since gym infact Sira had to drop me off home when Elliot didn't show up once again. I tried not to let the disappoint seep in and instead try to focus on anything else.

"I'm fine Mum....yes, I'm taking my medication on time....yes....yes....I understand....I love you too" I hung up the phone throwing it onto my bed. I told my mum that I was fine but my heart wasn't at peace. It hadn't stopped racing ever since I got here. My anxiety had been worse than it had ever been. In all honestly, I knew it missed my twin. He and I would do everything together. It felt wrong being here without him. I opened the sliding glass door to the balcony and stepped out letting the cool air calm me. I wrapped my arms around myself leaning my head against the wall. 

"Hey" a voice whispered next to me making me jump. Elliot immediately wrapped his arms around my waist stopping my fall. My whole body shivered at his touch; I immediately pulled myself away from him and went back to staring at the night sky ignoring his presence. He was too bipolar to be friends with. I saw Elliot clench and un-clench his fists from the corner of my eye but didn't bother to comment.

"Can I help you?" I asked when he didn't speak up. He looked at me for a second, like really looked at me before he shook his head and left. I looked at the empty space beside me and shook my head at Elliot's behaviour. I walked back inside sliding the glass door closed behind me, lowering the curtains. 

Grief is a weird thing. It's coming up to two months since I lost Daniel. But grief, that's something that won't leave me. After the initial shock of loss, it comes in waves...when I'm in class doing nothing...when I'm doing the dishes...whilst I'm getting ready for school...when I'm staring at the night sky...it hits you all of a sudden - how much you miss that someone, and your breath catches, and your tears flow and the depth of the sadness drowns you but all you can do is learn how to swim. Right now all I needed was  hug. Hugs were so underrated. I needed that hug where you were held so tight to the point you can hear the other persons heartbeat because for that moment everything seems so calm, like nothing could hurt you. So instead I hugged my pillow as tight as I could letting the loneliness seep in.

"If you wanted a hug you could have just asked?" 

"Haven't you left?" I looked at Elliot not wanting him to see me like this. He didn't reply but instead removed the pillow from my hand standing me up wrapping his arms around me. I didn't fight it. I couldn't. I welcomed the warmth wrapping arms around him cocooning myself into him. I felt my breath even itself out, my chest steadily falling and rising. We didn't stay anything but just held onto each other as tight as we could. But what I learnt was that I was the only one who needed a hug, Elliot needed a hug just as much as I did. This boy was dealing with his own demons.

I pulled back but not quite entirely looking up at Elliot's towering frame; his heavy breathing didn't slow and his arms tightened around me. He stood for minute just looking into my eyes as if he was trying to find something. Anything. 

"I have no idea what you are doing, who you really are even, but there's something about you that makes me think you're good for me." I whispered pulling away a little further. Elliot's hands slipped from my shoulders and resting against my hips instead.

"The biggest thing for me is I don't want to let people down. At the same time I love things that scare me and challenge me. But you're different, you challenge me differently and scare me differently.  There's something special about you though, and I don't know why but just being around you makes me happy, and I know I don't always behave the right way but I've never met someone who makes me feel so confused." my heart jumped listening to his words. Words that hit very close to how I was feeling myself. Truth was Elliot confused me too, he confuses me when he leaves me feeling sad when he ignores me, he leaves me confused when our smallest interactions makes me happy, he confuses me when my heart flutters whenever he looks at me. It had been over two weeks since I had known Elliot and to feel so many emotions crashing in about just one boy within two weeks scared the living daylights out of me. This wasn't normal, but what even is normal these days.

"I'm not sure whether it's too early to say this but ever inch of my being wants to protect you from anything and everything. Whatever it is though, just know you've got me. Whether you're lonely, sad or happy. You've got me." he smiled down at me pulling me into a sweet hug and leaving me with a peck on my forehead. And in that moment an understanding had clicked between the two of us. The pressure of his touch through my jacket and sweater was more assurance than any promise ever made to me. It was a touch that said, I have your back and I am here for you. If a girl wasn't careful she could fall for a touch like that.

*****