pov steve~

"How is that even possible, Buck?" I asked in utter confusion. "I mean, being gay isn't really something that can be changed, right?"

He looked at me in such a way that I felt sorry for myself. I felt like, despite my efforts, nothing would work. Like maybe all of Hydra's messed up methods had actually checked out for once and, after all, there really was no hope for us. Either way, I took what little hope I had left and ran with it... thinking as if my life was like some sort of story - like a fairytale - wherein I could realistically have a happily ever after.

"Do you even feel like this is working?" I asked him.

I took the long pause before his eventual "yea, maybe," to be a no, despite what he tells me. I feel like he's sorry for me... he doesn't want me to be upset about this and, therefore, isn't telling me the whole truth. If only he knew that the truth is all we have anymore, then maybe he would feel more inclined to tell it to me.

"Okay... I'm sorry. I'm being way too harsh on you right now. I know this is a lot to take in," I started. "Maybe I can start with memories that were directly after Project: Rebirth."

"Huh? Project what?" he asked, looking at me like this was something unimaginably foreign. To be fair, though, it wasn't like it was something he had directly been related to, right?

"Project: Rebirth... you know, the whole Dr. Abraham Erskine thing. He's the one that recruited me to the United States Military on the same day you were shipped out. He was in charge of the whole thing. He perfected the serum. He made me who I am, physically, today. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him... but I suppose if it weren't for me he would still be here, too," I explained.

"I had no idea about any of that," he waited, looking me over and seemingly trying to find something familiar within me or recognizable in the story. "You're like me," he finally announced.

"I suppose in the sense that we're both genetically enhanced super soldiers, we are."

"Not to mention the whole gay situation," he added.

I chuckled. "Yea, yea... that too."

We sat there in silence for a moment, taking in the fact that we had just laughed about something that I had just sent hours trying to convey. I realized that we had to do that - we had to enjoy this - we had to go about it this way. And so, we smiled, for once.

"But in all seriousness, Buck," I continued. "There was so much more to it than it seemed, especially from the perspective of an outsider."

"How do you mean?" he questioned, seemingly genuinely curious as to what my answer would be.

"Well, after you were drafted, which was something I didn't even know about until way after you left, there was a bit of a problem. I, of course, was shipped away from bootcamp to become a spokesperson for the war. I was selling war bonds and wasting my body away for no reason."

"Wasting it, how?"

"Well, I could have been helping out with the war all those years when I was just a poster-child instead... Anyway, when I finally reached your camp, I asked for you."

"You what? Wait, really?"

"Of course, Buck. We were in love and I hadn't seen you in... years. I went right up to General Patton and told him that..."

"I only need one name, sir," I said quickly and in a panic. "Sergeant James Barnes from the hundred and seventh. That's 'b' 'a' 'r'-"

"I can spell..." he cut me off.

"That's how it had gone... He told me that he had filed a lot of papers that day on those that had died or been missing in action but that your name did, in fact, sound familiar. I was crushed, Buck, you have no idea. I cried behind the tent and drew the rest of the afternoon. Mostly pictures of you- of us... I later realized that I didn't have to just sit there and do nothing. I was Captain America, I could go out and look for you."

"How?" he asked. "The war was over such a big war zone... how could you possibly find me?"

"I don't know but I knew I wasn't gonna stop until I did, even if that meant it would kill me," I answered. "Look, all that matters is that we did find you. I left as a lonely man without his best friend- without the love of his life... and I came back with you and with the Howling Commandos."

"The what, now?"

"The Howling Commandos. It was the group you and me started. We were revolutionaries... we revolted against the other side - against Hydra - during the war. It was... well, we did a lot. We exed out a lot of bad groups of people," I explained. "Though, upon my arrival, you were saying some crazy numbers and words and I only now realize that Hydra had somehow gotten a hold on you all the way back then... even before you fell."

"Before I what? I fell? Off of what?"

"Off a train..."

"Wha- Steve...?" he said, baffled.

"We were trying to chase the bad guys, really. But, you ended up falling and I couldn't catch you. I was right there, Buck," I stressed. "You have no idea how many years I spent tormented by the fact that I couldn't save you. Every time I thought back on our last seconds together, I couldn't help but think about the fact that if, maybe, I had moved a little faster I could have had your hand in mine and saved you," I knew the stinging in my eyes would soon turn to tears, but I chose to ignore it. "For years, I blamed myself for your death. Er- your supposed death. The only thing that kept running through my mind directly after the fall was the immense amount of guilt I felt," I felt tears starting to streak down my cheeks.

"But why? It couldn't have possibly been your fault that I fell, Steve," he tried to comfort me.

"No, it wasn't. But it was my fault that I didn't save you. I should have jumped after you."

"Are you crazy? No way. You might have died, or worse... Hydra could have taken you, too. It all happened like this for a reason. I mean, can you imagine if Hydra had their hands on the original serum? That would have been a disaster," he told me. And, honestly, he was right.

"I suppose you're right after all... what else is new," I admitted, laughing.

"After that, though, couldn't you find it in yourself to move on? To grieve my death and cry? Then pull it all together and find someone else?" he asked.

"Someone else? Pull myself together? Move on? Bucky, no. I couldn't- I can't. It's been nearly a century and I still can't move on. I mean, when you quote on quote 'died'... I tried so incredibly hard to get drunk out of my mind. My 'four-times-the-average-person' metabolism wouldn't allow for it, though, no matter how hard I tried," I. "There are some things you just can't erase and, now, I know that."

"Well, you must now see how that's not true... I mean, it was erased from my memory, right?" he reminded me.

Silence.

"Anyway, there was a woman, Peggy Carter. Not even she was enough to get me to move on."

"Shelly who?" he questioned.

"No, no. Peggy, not Shelly," I laughed, somehow, through my tears. "Her name was Peggy Carter and she had a sort of crush on me right after Project: Rebirth. I couldn't tell her I was gay, nevermind that I was gay for you. I had to play along with it and flirt with her and she even kissed me and it killed me," I continued, feeling the tears start to prickle at my eyes again. "Buck, it killed me. I wanted to stay away from everyone in that sense... to never be with anyone again after you," I explained. "We were with each other literally through thick and thin and I wanted our legacy to be the only one my mind, even if that meant never loving anyone again. I was the last one for you, so you should have been the last one for me," my voice cracked and I paused for a second. "I wanted you to be the only one for me, but you weren't."

"I- I'm so sorry," he stopped. "I know I haven't exactly been cooperative through all of this but, it just didn't really seem real until now."

"It's alright. It wasn't your fault. I guess if you say it's not my fault then it's no ones," I said aloud, finally starting to believe it myself.

"Steve, you of all people deserve a happy ending," he started. "Seeing as you evidently need me to be there for you to be happy and... seeing how I don't remember anything as it was, nevermind who we truly were..." he paused and took in a deep breath. "I'm sorry but... I'm just not so sure how possible that is anymore."