"NASAAN na siya?" bangon ni Beta na sinundan ng pag-iyak.

Walang maisagot sa kanya si Clint na pinanood lang ang pag-iyak niya.

"He's not coming!" she blurted out.

Tumayo si Beta at inayos ang pagkakasuot sa roba.

"It's not going to work!" iyak niya. "N-No... No..."

"Beta," kabadong tayo ni Clint, "don't shout! He'll know!" He whispered carefully. "He's watching us right now."

"So what? I don't care! Mabuti na rin na malaman niya! This is useless! He's not coming!"

At tumakbo na siya palabas ng silid na iyon. Umiiyak na binaba ang hagdan at tinungo ang lockers kung nasaan ang kanyang mga damit.

***

NASAPO na lang ni Clint ang noo.

"The truth finally comes out," tayo nito nang biglang pumasok si Walter sa pinto.

"Where is Beta?" he asked, panting in rage.

Naguguluhang napatitig si Clint. Halatang naninibago dahil pulang-pula kasi siya sa galit.

"She walked out on me—" pinutol ng daing nito ang mga sasabihin.

Natumba si Clint dahil sa hindi inaasahang sapak mula kay Walter.

"You said she agreed!" he growled. "You said she wanted this!"

"You forced her into this!" galit niyang bangon.

"You still lied to me! How dare you make her cry!" galit niyang hasik sa kaibigan.

"She loves you! And she only agreed because this will either make you happy or make you get your shit together! She's crying because she wanted you to come and save her! And guess what? You did not!"

Tears rimmed in Walter's eyes.

"Pagod na pagod na ako, Walter!" he gritted. "I'm tired of being your friend! Pagod na ako sa pagbubuhat ng sarili mong mga bagahe! At sa pagkakataong ito, sumosobra ka na!"

Walter swallowed a heavy lump. Nanghihinang napaupo na lang si Clint.

"Gayunpaman, hindi kita maiwanan. Dahil kaibigan kita. At dahil nung nasa US ako at... at pagala-gala dahil sa walanghiya kong recruiter, ikaw ang tumulong sa akin." Naluluhang angat nito ng tingin sa kanya. "You have proven you're a great friend, and this is my turn to prove you that I am worth that friendship you gave me."

"I am just testing you," humihinahon na niyang wika. "I've been seeing Doc Jared these days, and I realized some things." He sniffed, staring down to his friend. "Alam ko na nahihirapan ka na rin, at hinding-hindi ko makakalimutan lahat ng pagpapasensya na binigay mo sa akin."

"Testing?"

He slowly nodded his head. "I am testing if Beta really loves me. I am testing if you are really my friend. But most of all, I am testing if this is really what is going to make me happy."

Walter painfully smiled and continued, "Then I realized, I have been torturing myself for years and letting this unconscious depression win. It had been like that that I come to a point that now I am doomed..." his voice cracked, "I am doomed to lose my best friend... I am doomed... to lose the woman I love."

"Then what the fuck are you doing here?" Clint spat. "Habulin mo na si Beta."

"Fuck," mabilis niyang talikod para iwanan ito.

***

NANGHIHINANG napaupo na lang si Beta sa sahig at tinaas ang mga binti. She found herself breaking down again and crying.

"If he loves me," naalala niyang sagot sa tanong ni Clint sa kotse, "he won't let anything happen to us."

She gave him a look.

"Let's do it, Clint."

"I doubt that theory. Masyado kang umaasa kay Walter, Beta. I know him and I saw this a lot of times happening—"

"But if I fulfill his fantasies... and I will tell him I am not satisfied... Marahil, magtagal pa kami ni Walter..."

"Fuck! You are more insane than Walter."

"What can I do? I... I love him."

But Clint was right. She was too ambitious to think that Walter would stop them. Nakaramdam siya ng panginginig nang maalala ang unti-unting paghubad sa kanya ni Clint.

All this time, all I ever think about is him... I am all about Walter, not me. I should have not conformed to a man's fantasies to make them stay if it doesn't make me feel comfortable.

First, Dexter. Now, Walter.

"So what if I suck at sex?" she shouted in the mix of her rage and pain. "So what kung wala ako masyadong alam na style? What fucking matters if I am happy and he is happy with it, damn it! Kung isang tao lang ang masaya sa set-up na iyon, it is not healthy!"

Umiiyak na naipadyak na lang niya ang paa.

"Damn you, Walter! Damn you!"

Partners should agree on what they both want and should make love to fulfill the expression of love, and not for the sake of pleasing the other while hurting their own selves, or changing their sexual preferences.

"I don't even want to be experimental," she muttered to herself. "Na-challenge lang ako dahil sa ginawa sa akin ni Dexter. I've had enough!"

Tumayo na siya at pabalagsak na binuksan ang isa sa mga locker doon. She untied the robe and let it fall on the floor. As soon as she got dressed, nagmamadaling lumabas na siya ng locker room. Medyo naligaw pa siya dahil sa araw na iyon lang naman niya napuntahan ang locker room ng The Org. When she finally caught sight of the door, she left that hallway and was about to walk toward it.

"Beta!"

His voice echoed in the empty club. Beta froze where she stood. Ayaw niyang lumingon. Natatakot siya sa pwedeng gawin ng sariling damdamin kapag ginawa niya iyon.

Kilala niya ang boses.

She heard that voice call her so many times. She heard that voice grunt her name in his struggle. She heard that voice moan her name in pleasure. She heard that voice whisper her name in seduction.

That call was followed by his footsteps.

Natatakot siya na baka papalapit na ang lalaki sa kanya.

"Stop right there," kontrolado niyang wika, hindi pa rin lumilingon.

He did stop.

"Huwag kang lalapit sa akin."

"Bakit hindi?"

His soft voice was about to disarm her, but Beta scolded herself not to be swayed.

"Baka kung ano ang magawa ko sa iyo."

"You want to hurt me?"

"Close to killing you, yes," she balled her hands to a fist.

"I'll be glad to die in your arms."

Hindi niya alam ang isasagot doon. Narinig na naman niya ang paghakbang ng lalaki.

"Sinabi ko sa iyo na huwag mo akong lapitan!" harap niya rito.

Mabilis na lumapit si Walter at hinablot siya. Dahilan para magwala siya at tuluyan na itong paghahampasin.

"Ano? Ibabalik mo ako roon? Ibabalik mo ako!?" at sunod-sunod na ang naging pagmura niya rito sa sobra niyang galit. "Hindi ko na kaya, Walter!" hagulgol na niya. "Ayoko, Walter! Ayoko... A-Ayoko!"

"I know, I know," he spoke soothingly, yet he looked as devastated as her. His eyes were glossy with tears. "Kaya nga nandito na ako. Nandito na ako..."

"Ayoko na," iyak niya. "I am tired of your games. I am tired of trying to be acceptable to someone just to be loved. I am tired of trying to fit into what a man wants! I am tired of trying to be perfect with everything!"

"You don't have to," nag-aalalang punas nito sa kanyang mga luha. "Because I know to myself that I am not going to be perfect. I will remain flawed one way or another and I will never be better than anyone."

Tinikom niya ang mga labi, ngunit patuloy ang naging paghikbi. Her body shook in his hold.

"I will make you cry on some days," Walter spoke, shakily wiping her tears. "I will disappoint you sometimes, I will hurt you or dislike things that you like... We might even be a broke, who knows?" then he lifted his eyes on her, "But I... I will make you happy, Beta. I will love you for always. I will make you smile..."

The promise was too good to be true. That did not stop her tears.

"I will because now I know that no one else can love you and make you happy... but me. Not other men better than I am, not Clint, not anyone else. It's my job and no one else's. It's my role. It's my destiny, mine and mine alone, to love you and make you happy."

Ayaw niyang maniwala. At tila nakita iyon ng binata.

"I want you to be with me," he begged, "in my recovery. Will you be there, Beta?"

"Pagod na ang puso ko," yuko niya.

Naramdaman niya ang panlulumo ng binata. Mas naging maluwag na ang pagkakahawak nito sa kanyang mga braso.

The silence between them was so heart-shattering, she was close to breathlessness.

Inangat niya ang mga mata sa lalaking matamlay nang nakayuko. Dumausdos ang mga luha sa pisngi nito.

"Pero para sa iyo," garalgal niyang patuloy, "at dahil mahal kita, hindi ako aalis. Hindi ako aalis hangga't gusto mo. Hindi ako aalis hangga't mahal mo ako. Hindi ako aalis hangga't ganoon din ang nararamdaman ko para sa iyo."

Walter raised his head and smiled back at her. "How long would you love me, Beta? How long would you stay with me?"

"Don't ask," she cupped his face. "Iyan ang problema sa iyo, Walter, masyado kang nag-iisip. Let me kiss you."

He did not make any move, a sign of his submission to her. Beta reached for his lips.

And they kissed.    

***

AN

Sometimes the internet hangs... *sigh*

HAHAHA! Get ready for the last chapter! <3

Love,

ANA xoxo