Alexei Carson - 25 (Up Top)

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***Alexei's POV***

"Really? Fucking really? The gods above have a shitty sense of timing." I huff out my distaste as Sebastian explains the connection between him and the guy he met at the bar during our last days stateside.

"Sandy blonde hair, denim blue eyes and those dimples, I swear he was crafted just for me. When he laughed, I felt butterflies in my stomach. What am I, 13? What grown ass man feels butterflies?" Sebastian cringes over his own description. I wish I knew what butterflies felt like. I imagine it is akin to nausea.

"You will survive this, Sebastian. We have the best doctors. I will find Mark Fletcher for you again one day." I promise something that I do not have the right to. I don't know if Seb will survive. The chances aren't probable. Twenty-Seven percent of patients survive longer than five years. Those odds are reduced by Sebastian's anemia. We don't even know the long-term effect that the treatments Seb has already gotten will have. Sebastian is starting the second stage with an already weakened immune system.

"I want to believe you. I want to hope that everything is going to be wonderful. All I do know is that I am in pain. My body hurts. I feel like a lab rat." Seb whines.

Everyday drags by with doctors, nurses and techs that sweep in at all hours of the night. Mornings are always early. They come by at five, six, seven, etc. I cannot remember what the real world feels like most days. It has been months. Hell, maybe it has been weeks. It all runs together at this point.

The worst part, aside from the necessity of it all, is that there aren't any cute doctors in this place. I feel like the nurses are at their station playing rock paper scissors to see who gets to come in here and drool over Sebastian. I know that I caught two of them taking a picture of his ass.

I got news for them, that ass looked way better several hundred treatments ago.

Sebastian has lost so much weight. I can't tell him how bad he looks. That wouldn't be helpful. Some days he reminds me so much of the scrawny teen that just graduated from high school. All the work we put in to bulk him up is long gone. Even Sebastian's hair has become dull, thin and lack luster. I never imagined that chemicals made to heal someone could do so much damage as well.

"What are you thinking about?" Sebastian grabs my attention as he shifts in bed.

"Nothing. Everything." I let out an exasperated sigh.

"I'm sorry." Seb looks directly at me with tears filling his eyes. My heart aches at the sadness that sits behind his once vibrant blue feature.

"Don't. Please, don't." I walk over to Sebastian, moving his body over carefully. Laying beside him, I wrap my arms around his smaller frame. I know how hard this is on both of us. I have it easy. Sebastian is the test animal here. The different drugs have had immense repercussions. Sometimes Sebastian can't stay awake. Other times, he can't sleep. Any food that Seb wants, tends to climb back up faster than he can manage to swallow.

I have it easy. Period.

"I wish it were me. God, Sebastian, I wish I was laying in that bed fighting. I would take all of this from you if I could." My fingers plunder through what is left of Sebastian's tight curls.

"I know. That what makes it worse. I am glad that I am the one laying here. I don't want to know how hard it is on you to watch me like this. I don't want to be the one left alone if you were in my place and couldn't fight through all of this. At least if I die, I am out of pain." Sebastian's voice breaks on the last sentence. The sob is gut wrenching. I feel nausea painfully ripping away at my insides.

"You aren't fucking DYING!" I belt out angrily.

"You can't leave me. You are not allowed to. That isn't the way this goes. We aren't ready. We didn't do everything we planned. Your mom isn't losing you. I'm not losing you. We are fighting. Every damn day we fight. We aren't going to stop, Seb. We are going to keep fighting until you kick cancer's fucking ass. Do you hear me?" At some point I must have grabbed Sebastian's face to turn it towards me.

"Gross." I chuckle out. Sebastian smiles as his saliva dries across my cheek.

"If I lick it, it's mine." Sebastian chases my chin as he attempts to mark his territory. I heave a gag in fun.

"You're gross. Swine." I playfully swat at my best friend.

"I'm bored. Give me a break." Sebastian shrugs before laying his head back and staring at the ceiling.

"How can you be bored? I'm here. You have a blank canvas of walls and a ceiling to look at. You are just hard to please." I tease at Seb knowing full well how he could be bored. You can only watch tv, play on your phone or laptop and hum for so long. At some point, everything just become monotonous.

"When is Ma coming back?" Sebastian looks at me. I sent Mrs. Angela to my suite last night. I could tell that she needed a break. I could tell that Sebastian was trying too hard to appear better than he was.

"She will be back later. Seb, you need rest. I am going to run down to cafeteria and get us some food. Is there anything I can bring you?" I give Seb a knowing look. Sebastian has denied eating unless I practically force food down his throat. I do what I have to but, I would rather the man just attempt to eat more often.

"After my nap." Sebastian closes his eyes before waving his hand toward the door.

I sigh out as I move towards the door. Everything feels heavy. My feet feel like concrete. This is so draining.

Passing by the nurse's station, I wave with a fake smile. I feel as though all I do is feign strength. Someone has to be strong. I know that Sebastian can't be. The burden is mine to bare.

A few female nurses giggle as I walk past them in the hallways. Internally, I just soothe myself. There is no harm in allowing them to believe that they have a chance.

I step onto the elevator while looking at my feet. I can tell that there are not very many people on this elevator just by the cool air that still exists. Body heat is a good indication that I do not want to be stuck in a four by six box even for a few short minutes.

"Sorry." A disgruntled whisper comes from my left as I turn myself to face the elevator door.

Without looking, I excuse whatever the kid has done. I am not in the mood to teach lessons on manners. At least the kid apologized.

"What floor?" The same voice softly asks of me.

"Exit." I grunt. I am in no mood for pleasantries.

"Okay." That whisper is softer still than the last couple of words.

The rest of the ride is filled with silence. I can't bring myself to make small talk. My mind is filled with the very realistic present and future.

Without expressing consent, my mind pulls me through memories of the past. I smile while thinking of the long friendship I have shared with Sebastian. He is my very best friend, my brother.

Pulling me from one scene to the next, I am catapulted into a dark future. I picture the moment the doctor will tell me that our efforts have failed. I can feel my stomach tighten at the sight of Sebastian's family crying over his empty body. My fingers ball into nervous anger. I am not burying this man. I am not losing him.

Everything changes around me and in front of me. I see myself staring down an aisle. Looking to my left, I see no one. The place where my best friend should be is replaced with a chair. A picture of Sebastian sits in lieu of the only boy I have ever loved more than myself.

I feel like I am suffocating. Reaching out, I stuff my hands into my pockets while tapping my foot. As if the heavens finally have mercy upon me, the elevator door slides open with a loud ding. The announcement has my feet moving quickly.

Seeing the double glass doors offers me hope. I take long strides to get outside of this building. The disinfectant smell of the hospital follows me into the fresh air before the sun shines brightly down against my olive skin.

The warm rays of sunshine make my skin feel tight as I realize that tears are steadily running down my cheeks. I feel like I am losing my damn mind. Everything has an angelic glow. The blurred lines of people, cars and landscape shimmy around me happily. I don't feel fucking happy.

Taking off in a sprint, I push my way through clusters of people who seem to want to enter the building I just left. Here is a little advice, don't check in. You may never check out.

A bench catches my eye. The black metal beckons me to come sit. I dart towards the seat, letting my face lift towards the clouds. As I slip down into the warm seat, I take in a large gulp of air. The burning breath is refreshing. I can feel my shoulders slump while my back presses against the back of the bench.

A guttural cry leaves my lips before I fall forward to prop my elbows on my knees. My palms cover my tear stained cheeks as I replace each old tear with a new one. The tears seem to be endless as the flashing memories of my future continue to flicker before my eyelids.

Every space where Seb should be is hollow. Every envisioned premonition is excruciating. The loss is palpable. Grief offers it's ugly hand while I begin to feel the weight of the intense emotion. Without Sebastian, I can't do this life. I don't want to. I simply can't.

"It hurts." A small voice speaks from beside me. I don't feel the heat that is supposed to be bouncing between the space of a close body. I don't feel anything. I shrug my shoulders without offering a look of acknowledgement.

"I see so many people pass through these doors. I promise that more walk away without disease than you think. It is a remarkable hospital, one of the very best. It's going to be okay." The tiny female voice offers condolences and promises that I don't think are hers to make. I am almost angry enough to explain this. However, I cannot find the energy to argue.

The quiet air settles around me once more without the soft whispers of the person who had just spoken. I couldn't be more grateful. Entertaining is not my strong suit, especially at the moment.

I finally gather the courage to open my eyes. People still move around the lot as if this is the most exciting place. I hope that the prognosis for their loved ones match the energetic mannerisms in which they smile, laugh and conversate.

Looking down at my watch, I see that I have been gone far longer than I had planned. I stretch my stiff legs as I stand up from the bench. With no more enthusiasm than I had making my way to this place, I slowly follow the other pedestrians to make my way back to Sebastian.

Not wanting to encounter the elevator again today, I take the stairs to get back to the second floor. The nurses are all gathered around their station filling in charts and updating the doctors. I notice Dr. Reins but, fall short of a formal greeting. Instead, I keep walking until I am closer to Sebastian's room.

From the hallway, through the door, I can hear the gentle laughter of Mrs. Angela and a stranger. A small voice echoes with cheer. I feel as if I have heard that sound before. Without thinking to hard over it, I push the hospital room open with the palm of my hand.

My attention immediately zeroes in on the most angelic human I think has ever walked on this Earth. The golden blonde boy with hazel green eyes smiles brightly at me, taking my breath straight from my lungs. Standing stock still in my place, I manage to clear my throat before giving a passive wave and walking right past the little oxygen leach to check on Sebastian.

Sebastian looks at me smugly while mouthing something I cannot begin to make out.

Mrs. Angela catches my attention with another giggle. She waves her hand in the air behind the angelic seductor, outlining the bubble butt he is bouncing along in the air. I feel my pants tighten as his ass jiggles in his scrubs.

"Really? Fucking, Really?" I whisper-shout into the air.