Staying clean was meant for people who had something to stay clean for. I, apparently, was not one of those people. I didn't give enough of a shit about myself, but even giving a shit about someone else didn't matter, because in the end, it blew up in my face anyway.

I didn't go to therapy that week. I lost track of time. I painted black circles and blank faces. I unhinged every bone from every joint and let my muscles turn to wet sand. Lying about where I was and what I was doing felt less heavy on my tongue. I went back to square one, and I had to accept that maybe square one was just where I belonged. One tiny box - population me and my misery.

Sage stirred in my bed beside me, sliding herself closer to me and resting her head on my bare chest. She was warm, but not in the way I wanted. I craved the warmth of the sun the way it warmed flowers that were desperate to grow. Even when she kissed me, soft and delicate and things I wasn't used to from her, all I could think of was AJ's kiss, and how that one moment I'd use to compare every kiss I'd ever have for the rest of my life. I found myself subconsciously sliding away from her and hung my legs over the edge of my bed.

"You wanna smoke that blunt now?" I asked.

Sage sat up in bed and ran her hands through her dark, tangled mess of hair. "Nah," she shook her head. "I think I'm going to go and get ready for tonight. You probably should too."

"What's tonight?"

"That party Carly is hosting at the sorority house." Sage gave me an eye roll as she shrugged on her hoodie, and as I turned away from her, I could hear the rest of that sentence in my head - I've definitely told you this ten times already.

I fumbled through my desk drawer for a plastic bag and a lighter. Rain pelted my bedroom window softly, but I nudged it open anyway, and a blast of damp humidity hit me as I tried to light the blunt.

"I didn't think you were serious when you said you wanted me to go with you," I shrugged. I inhaled like I wanted to finish it off in one go, and my head began to swim. I watched water droplets dance and race each other down the window, and every splash sounded like an explosion.

"Of course I want you to go," she sighed out. I was still fixated on the rain on the window, but I could feel her lingering, feel her in the very air I struggled to breathe in, and it was suffocating.

"Okay, then I will."

It took me a moment to realize that I had actually spoken, but by then, it was too late. Sage leaned over me and kissed my cheek, spreading warmth through my whole body. "Be at my house by 8, okay?"

I nodded silently, and when she pulled away, the warmth went with her. It was like I was stuck in limbo - not quite bad enough to fall all the way down, but not good enough to move on. Instead of getting ready like Sage suggested, I slept until the sun set. Besides, I didn't need "getting ready" time like she did - I just threw on a clean t-shirt and put some eyedrops in. I swiped my old North Face backpack off the floor of my room and threw a hoodie in it so it looked full before trudging down the stairs. My mom sat at the kitchen counter with her usual tea and a book. The lights above her threw shadows on her face, making the tiredness in her eyes stand out even more.

"You feeling better?" she asked, eyeing me over the top of her book.

"Yeah," I nodded, grabbing a water bottle from the fridge. "I'm just going to Hunter's place to play Xbox. I'm pretty sure he already broke up with that guy he was seeing, and I think he's more upset about it then he'll admit."

I felt the tiniest pang of guilt, like a bee sting on the back of my neck. She looked like she trusted me, like she believed every damn word I just said.

"I didn't even know he was dating anyone," she replied casually as she went back to her book.

"Yeah well, you know him, they're all short lived." I turned away from her before she looked up at me again and made my way to the back door. "I won't be back late."

I finally let out a breath as I made it outside, but my relief was short lived as AJ's white Jeep pulled up in front of my house, and my heart exploded in my chest.

"W-what are you doing here?" I stammered as she walked up to me slowly, leaning against the gate on the side of the house.

"I was just worried..." she said softly. "You didn't come to group this week."

She bit down on her lip and looked away, but the look of pain in her eyes was something I'd probably see in my nightmares. I had to remind myself that she was the one who put me in pain, not the other way around, and the anger took over.

"Yeah, I thought I made it pretty clear to you that I'm done with that shit," I muttered.

"But why?" she blurted out. "Why are you doing this?"

"Why do you even care?" I spat back.

She sighed in disbelief. "Because...because I just do."

I knew she wasn't lying, but that's what made it so much worse. I self-destructed.

"No you don't," I groaned. "The only thing you care about is your self-righteous means to an end. I'm just a vehicle for all your guilt. You thought helping me was going to make you feel better about all the bad shit you've done in your life. Well, you picked the wrong test subject for your sociology experiment, and I'm done getting poked and prodded at."

I went to walk away, but AJ jumped in front of me. Anger reddened her cheeks, but her eyes still glazed over with pain and hurt.

"Don't even try it," she hissed out. "Remember Kai, you can fuck with everyone else in your life, but you can't fuck with me. I know every trick, and I know every play in the damn book, so don't think you can just guilt trip me. I've worked way too hard on myself to let you just upend all of that. Don't you dare try and manipulate me and my feelings for you."

"Your feelings for me?" I barked out a laugh. "That's cute. Who's trying to manipulate who, exactly? Please just leave, I'm already late."

"Don't do this," she grabbed my arm as I went to walk away again, and every part of me ached and throbbed. "You're digging your own grave."

"Make sure to leave some flowers then," I grumbled as I pulled away. "I like hydrangeas."

✗✗✗

"Isn't it a little too early before the school year for a sorority party? It's fucking July." I felt myself cringe as I shouldered my way through a room full of sweaty bodies. Even in the middle of summer, the sorority row at USC was at full capacity. I was still convinced they were just a cult in disguise, and the live, laugh, love sticker on the wall was like a secret code for something.

"It's never too early for recruitment," Sage scoffed. "You just don't get it."

"Then remind me again why I had to be here?" I grumbled.

"What?" Sage shouted over the bass-thumping music that seemed to vibrate the whole house.

"Nothing," I replied.

Sage entwined her arm in mine and pulled me further into the house. I bumped my hip on the corner of a counter, and some girl stumbled past me, spilling whatever fruity pink drink was in her cup on my sneakers.

"We're meeting Noah out back," Sage said as she continued to weave around the house with ease. I let out a sigh of relief as we reached the back deck, and even though the summer night air was heavy and damp, it was still less suffocating than inside the house.

Noah was on the football team at USC, but one of those guys that rode the bench and prayed someone got hurt so he could play. It didn't make his beefy, defensive lineman stature any less intimidating. There was part of me that was convinced Sage had been sleeping with him during the school year when we were on one of our breaks. He pushed himself off the railing of the deck to greet us, and even though we were about the same height, he probably could have swallowed me whole. He lifted Sage off her feet when they hugged, and jealousy ate away at my insides.

"Hey man, long time no see," he said to me as he patted me on the shoulder like we were best fucking friends. I gave him a curt nod, but couldn't find it in me to actually speak. My tongue was heavy in my mouth, and the heat made me itchy. We backed ourselves into a corner where the lights from the back door didn't reach, and Noah stuffed a few plastic bags into the inner zippered pocket of my backpack. Sage took out four $50 from her Gucci wallet, stood on her toes and kissed him on the cheek as she pressed them into his hand.

"You're hanging around for a little, right?" Noah asked her.

"Of course," Sage replied with a coy grin, and before I knew it she was pulling me back inside and into the kitchen. I took a Xanax and washed it down with that same pink punch that girl spilled on my shoes, and it was as if my brain disconnected from the rest of me. Sorry, no wifi out here. Try again later.

The night came to me in flashes, bright and colorful in the corners of my eyes. We danced and kissed and pretended everything was fine.

It wasn't until I heard sirens that I came back down to earth. People started to scramble to get out of the house, and while I looked around for Sage, someone knocked me over and sent me toppling to the kitchen floor.

With aching knees I pushed myself up and made it out to the back deck, where the pouring rain soaked me through almost instantly, and flashes of blue and red reflected off of the side of the house. Desperate to avoid the throng of kids trying to escape, I jumped over the left side of the deck where we had met Andre earlier. Pure adrenaline pumped through me, but it wasn't enough as I went tumbling into a muddy puddle. As I coughed and sputtered and tried to catch my breath, someone hoisted me up to my feet. Someone with a flashlight that shone right at my bloodshot eyes. Someone with a deep voice that radiated through my nerves as he said, "Mind if we search your backpack?"