I sat with Hunter on the outdoor deck of Rita's, flicking my french fries over the deck to seagulls on the beach. "Look, I've got it all figured out, okay?"

Hunter gave me a sideways glance. "Doesn't sound like there's anything to figure out. She doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, or intimately involved in any way. You probably shouldn't push that envelope any more than you already have."

"You're missing the point," I groaned. "She never said she didn't like me, or she didn't want to be with me ever. She wants me to prove to her that I have my shit together. I've been clean for a month, I just gotta show her I can stay clean. Simple."

Hunter nodded slowly at his milkshake. "Funny how this is such a 180 from the way you felt before, going on about how oh there's no way she likes me and blah blah blah. Now it's oh well she never said she didn't like me..." He shook his head and let out a long sigh.

"Yeah well..." I shrugged. "That was before she put her tongue down my throat last week, okay?"

"You ever hear the saying it takes two to tango? You're equally responsible for this," Hunter jabbed, and I shot him a glare. "I don't know man, I think maybe you should just take her advice and actually focus on yourself for once. Like actually trying to be clean for you, not her."

I flicked another fry over the deck. "I'm sorry, I don't remember asking for your two fucking cents."

"You didn't," Hunter droned. "But you want me to pay for your god damn french fries, which you're not even eating." He yanked the basket away from me, sending salt scattering across the wooden table.

"That's bad luck." I pointed at the table.

"Whatever," Hunter shrugged. "I'm sure if there was a higher power controlling everything, they wouldn't waste their time on two sorry assholes like us."

As much as what Hunter said made sense, it didn't feel true. It felt like the universe had me on a shit list, and any time I could feel happiness within reach, feel it brush against my fingertips, someone yanked it away from me. I was desperate. I needed just one minuscule bit of control before my entire world started to implode. I thought being with AJ was it.

To further prove the karma police were out to get me, my phone buzzed on the table, and Sage's name came up in the notification. I hesitated for a moment, but I couldn't resist. She tugged on the strings of my life in a different way.

SAGE HELLER [12:43 PM]: you ok? haven't heard from you in a while

I rolled my eyes and placed my phone face down back on the table. I knew how to interpret Sage language. What she meant was I haven't heard from you so I'm seeing how miserable your life is without me.

Miserable? Yes. Without her? Debatable. Sure, I knew things with her weren't great, It wasn't until I'd experienced something pure and good that made me look back at my relationship with Sage and realize how bad it truly was. Maybe there was a part of me that finally understood I deserved something more. A small part, but it was there. I could understand it, reach out, and almost touch it.

✗✗✗

Hunter and I wandered around our tiny center of town aimlessly, just like we used to in high school, with our dirty sneakers shuffling along the concrete sidewalks and sweat dripping down our backs. I lit another cigarette, and through a cloud of smoke that curled from my mouth, I caught sight of her across the street at the coffee shop.

AJ sat at the same table we usually sat at, outside but under the striped awning and out of the mercilessness of the sun. She laughed and her eyes sparkled, but then I realized she was laughing at something the person sitting across from her said. It was Craig the barista from the coffee shop, but he sat at the table with her like he was a regular customer. There was a look as she got up and rested her hand on his forearm, like there was a secret that lingered in the air between them. The cigarette fell from my mouth, and it felt like someone was squeezing my chest in a vice grip.

This must have been what it felt like to be possessed, like something horrible and evil inside of you took the controls to your body and threw you into overdrive. Before I knew it I tore off in the other direction, down the sidewalk and to the crosswalk, my foot tapping restlessly as I waited for the light to change.

"Kai? What are you doing?" I heard Hunter call after me as stalked across the street.

"I uh...I just need a coffee real quick," I called back, barely turning around to address him. He said something else, but the thing possessing me also turned off my ears and started jackhammering away at my head.

I grabbed a metal chair from another table and dragged it across the concrete to the table where Craig sat across from AJ's vacant chair and cup of iced coffee that dripped with perspiration. An iced french vanilla latte, and I bet he didn't know that. I shoved the chair in between them and plopped down into it.

"Hey, what's up man?" Craig addressed me like we were best friends. I didn't hate him, but I wanted to.

I shrugged and pulled out another cigarette, letting it dangle between my lips. "Nothing really, just enjoying this nice day."

He looked puzzled as he glanced over the tops of his douchebag wayfarer sunglasses at me. I took a long drag of my cigarette, letting the smoke slowly drip from my mouth. Craig scoffed and shook his head.

"Looks like you're enjoying the day too," I said, leaning back in the chair. "And my sloppy seconds, it seems."

I couldn't help myself. I was past overdrive. I was in complete nuclear meltdown.

Craig barked out a laugh. "You're joking, right?"

"I don't know what I could be joking about," I replied coolly.

"You know..." Craig pressed his hands down on the table and leaned closer to me. "Even if it was true, I don't know what somebody like her would ever see in somebody like you."

"More than she sees in you, apparently."

The sticky heat in the air was palpable, but the tension between us was even more suffocating. I kept smoking even though I couldn't breathe.

Craig stood up, and even though I had a few inches on him, he was about three times bulkier than me, but that didn't say much considering a strong gust of wind could have blown me over. "I really don't wanna hit you Kai, but I will."

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Hunter and AJ emerge from the coffee shop, but everything was red. Burning, seething red.

I turned back to Craig. "No you won't."

He grabbed the collar of my shirt, and before I knew it the world started to turn sideways. There was a deep cracking sound when my head hit the concrete, and everything went dark.

✗✗✗

Everything hurt, but the way she held my hand made me feel like I was floating on a cloud. We sat on a bench down the street in the shade of a few trees, and away from all the people who saw me lose my shit. Coming back down to reality made me nauseous.

"You okay?" she asked.

"I think so. I can't believe that goon actually hit me," I grumbled.

"He didn't," AJ shook her head. "He barely pushed you, you just kind of toppled backwards and hit your head on the sidewalk. Hunter went to the bar to get ice."

"Oh." My face flushed.

She let go of my hand, and all the warmth left with her.

"Kai..." she sighed out. "What's going on with you? I don't understand why you'd make such a scene-"

"You don't understand? Here's what I don't understand," I bit back. "We flirt, and it's cute, and then you come onto me, so I kiss you and you kiss me back, and then what? Decide you were just kidding? So then you dangle someone else in front of me?"

"What?" AJ snapped, and her eyes darkened with intensity. "Dangle someone else in front of you? I was talking to Craig about a job because I need some extra cash."

Karma: 187. Kai: -2.

"Kai, what is this really about?" She asked.

"What's it about? It's about the fact that I'm absolutely crazy about you, and you don't seem to give a shit."

The words came tumbling out before I could catch them, and I was instantly filled with regret. AJ turned away from me and slumped back into the bench. I fumbled to fill the silence.

"I mean...do my feelings for you not matter at all?"

When she turned back to face me, the world as I knew it had ended. Because the look she gave me wasn't sadness, or anger. It was defeat.

"Kai..." her voice was soft. "If I'm the only reason you're getting clean...you don't get this. Any of this. And if that's the case, I just...I can't help you. I'm sorry."

"You're sorry?" I had to choke back tears as I stood up from the bench, and my head throbbed. "I'm the one who's sorry. I'm sorry I bothered with this shit in the first place."

I turned away and kept walking despite seeing double of everything.

"Kai, where are you going?" She called after me. "You probably have a concussion."

"Yeah, well my legs work just fine."

In the swirling shitstorm of emotions inside me, I could pull out one - anger. Anger made you do stupid things. With bleary eyes and a pounding skull, I pulled out my phone and furiously typed up a text message. Three words to complete my downfall.

Come over tonight.