Fourth of July on Folly Beach was a big to do about absolutely nothing, but that didn't stop the town from having a parade down the one mile strip of Main Street (featuring my dear Buttercup Princess little sister), food trucks and bar specials, and a fireworks show over the pier and the jetty.

It also didn't stop AJ from insisting I drag her through the entire sordid day of events, since Fourth of July in New York City was, according to her, a shit show. I didn't know how her and I had become so close over the last few weeks, but I guess it was bound to happen since we spoke almost every day, even if it was just to make sure I wasn't doing drugs and didn't want to fling myself off of the bridge.

After the night at the roller rink, it was different. Sometimes those are you okay conversations would morph into movies or music or something else that seemed so mundane to normal people, but for me, it was like the universe had finally aligned some stars just for me. Our closeness seemed inevitable, but I wanted to be close to her in every possible way, from knowing the constellation of freckles on her nose, to feeling the creamy skin of her thighs wrapped around my waist. The kind of closeness you don't second guess - all you need is their steady breathing beside you, and you just know.

Our overnight friendship still didn't change the fact that when I woke up after 11 AM to her pounding on my bedroom door, my heart might as well have jumped on a rocket and shot up to the moon.

"I hope you're decent," she called from the other side of the door.

I nearly fell out of bed and fumbled around my floor for a clean pair of shorts and a t-shirt.

"Uh...depends on who you ask," I called back as I pulled on a pair of decent chino shorts that didn't smell like sweat or cigarettes, nearly tripping over my own feet.

"I meant are you wearing pants?" she asked with a chuckle. "You're such a space cadet sometimes, I swear."

"Oh...yeah..." I mumbled, mostly to myself. AJ flung the door open, greeting still shirtless me with her effervescent smile, and it made my cheeks burn with the heat of a thousand suns.

I never really believed that the sight of someone could literally take your breath away, but looking at her had my lungs struggling. Either that or I really needed to cut back on the smoking. It was like she injected sunshine into her veins every morning. Would it be considered relapse if I did the same?

"You promised to take me to the parade this afternoon, and I want to get a decent spot!" She was like a little kid on Christmas morning as she flopped down onto my bed, blue eyes twinkling in the sunlight filtering through my window.

I scoffed at her as I pulled on a black t-shirt. "This isn't the city AJ. You think there's going to be a mob of people there fighting each other for curbside spots just so they can wave to the mayor in his stupid old red Cadillac? Or my sister wearing the flower arrangements I made?"

AJ gave me a faint smile. "Well...just in case, ya know?"

I sighed, and as much as I felt like I had little control over my addiction sometimes, being around her was a different animal entirely. She made the already weak wall of my resolve crumble into dust.

"Alright, alright," I grumbled. "I'm just forewarning you that your expectations are too high for this. I don't want you to be disappointed. Why are you so excited about this anyway?"

"I don't know," she shrugged. "I guess it's really just about being in a new place. I never really left New York. Except to go to the Hamptons like...once with some college friends. But being somewhere new, somewhere the worst parts of your life haven't followed you to, even the most normal things can feel out of this world. You just have to let them."

✗✗✗

AJ hadn't been totally off base with there being a crowd of people gathered up on the street curbs and sidewalks before the parade started. Most of the bars and restaurants had tables of beer in plastic cups for a dollar, and I couldn't fathom how she kept her cool around everyone drinking and having a merry old fucking time. Meanwhile I felt like I was going to combust as we brushed through throngs of people. Even the smell of beer put my head in a chokehold. The sun hung high in the air and sweat collected under the brim of my hat, but I kept my head up as we walked through the center of town.

I led us to Rita's on the corner by the surf shop, since they had an upstairs deck we could watch the parade from. We squeezed into the last two stools at the side of the bar that overlooked the street.

"The seats are for customers only," the gruff old man behind the bar called out to us in his twangy accent.

Without missing a beat, AJ replied, "Oh, I'll have a tonic water with lime, and an order of cheese fries."

It felt as if the entire place went silent as I felt AJ's glance on me. I wanted a beer so badly as my heart thumped against my ribs, but was it wrong to drink in front of her? Was it wrong for me to drink at all? I felt sick to my stomach questioning parts of my life I never had to question before. Luckily, the god damn angel that she was came to my rescue again.

"Actually, two tonic waters, please," she added, and it made my nerves buzz at how easily she could read me.

She nudged me in the side. "You better eat some of these cheese fries."

So I did. And I drank my bitter tonic water with a lime, and I laughed when she laughed, and I forced myself to feel normal as the parade passed us by. My sister spotted us and for a moment broke her cool pageant queen facade, giving us a bright smile and a wave.

After the parade, I took AJ down to the beach where we could find a spot to watch the fireworks. Fourth of July last year was a blur of speedballs, sex on the beach, and puking up the Bloody Mary's from the Sand Dollar Bar because they had too much ghost pepper sauce in them. I was pretty sure that Sage and I fell asleep before the fireworks even started. Up until a few weeks ago, I assumed it would all be the same.

But as the sun began to set and the tide rolled in, AJ and I walked along the beach with our shoes in our hands, and I couldn't remember the last time I felt so at peace. Not just with where I was, but with myself too. We picked a spot on the beach up by the dunes and the marram grass.

"You okay?" she asked as we sat down.

I let out a heavy sigh and kicked around a piece of driftwood with my foot. "How do you do it?"

"Do what?"

"Act so normal," I groaned. "How do you watch all these people around you drink and have a good time and not feel like you're missing out or out of place?"

She put a hand to my forearm, her fingerprints leaving little trails of heat where my skin was already red and warm from the sun. "You just learn how to have a good time without alcohol, or pot, or pills. Don't get me wrong, it's really hard at first, but you have to tough it out. You and I are not like normal people. It's not good or bad, it's just different. Normal people can go out and have a drink or two, loosen up and have a good time. We can't do that without flying off the handle and losing control. So we have to learn to adapt."

"Adapting sucks," I grumbled, burying my feet further into the sand.

She nudged my shoulder again. "Look at the ocean. I mean really look at it. It makes you feel so small, doesn't it? Like maybe everything you're going through isn't really the end of the world."

For a moment I did actually look out onto the ocean, the last bits of sun glinting like diamonds against the peaks of the waves, and I couldn't help but glance back over at her as she kept her gaze on the water. It was beautiful, but so was she. "Yeah, I guess so."

The last rays of sunlight left us, and after a few moments of nothing but the sound of the waves in the dark, fireworks began booming above us in reams of blue and red and white. Sometimes I didn't take a step back and understand the ways my life could be different if I just stayed clean and stopped snorting shit and popping pills, but in little moments like this, it hit me. I could look up at the sky without feeling like it was coming down on me.

"Hey," AJ broke me out of my thoughts and looked up at me. "Thank you. For all of this. I mean it, I'm...I'm really glad I met you."

I didn't dare look down, but I could feel her fingers brushing against the back of my hand, and then slowly, ever so slowly, intertwining with my own. Fireworks burst above us in a waterfall of lights and colors, and I spoke up to the sky, "Yeah, me too."

Every part of my life had resembled a firework - a big bang, a flash of light, and in mere moments fizzling out to nothing but a cloud of smoke. But not this. I wanted this to be like the ocean, larger than life and seemingly endless, and I was okay feeling small.