It smelled worse than a dentist's office in the actual room where all the group therapy sessions were held, although I'd chalk some of that up to the beefy kid next to me who definitely had the meat sweats.

Due to my mother's insistence, she had driven me to the meeting 10 minutes early, and my knees bobbed up and down restlessly as I watched people file in and fill the plastic chairs around the room. At first, I was a little shocked at how diverse the group was, but addiction didn't really give a shit who you were.

After a few more moments most, of the chairs had filled with other twenty-somethings, their eyes some variation of sad or vacant or both. When my heart started to drop, I realized I had actually been looking for AJ. Finally, she walked in, with that same usual glow about her, like an angel without a halo. Without even thinking I stood up from my chair as she passed me, and the moment I realized how horrible and awkward what I had just done was, it was too late. My face burned crimson.

"Hey," she said softly as she walked by, taking a seat on the other side of our circle of chairs.

I let out a breath as I sat back down, and the beefy kid next to me rolled his eyes.

"Alright, I think we've got just about everyone." I hadn't even noticed the guy at the front of the room until he spoke, pushing his round glasses up the bridge of his nose. He reminded me of the guy in Jurassic Park that says get the stick stupid to the raptors. I had never watched that movie without being on drugs, but I loved that scene.

"I know we've got a few new people starting today, so I'll introduce myself. I'm Dr. Weiss, but just John is fine." He readjusted his glasses again with his grubby fingers. "I want this setting to be informal, and I'm not just a doctor that's going to talk at you. I want us all to work together, and also try and achieve our own personal goals."

I tried to hold back a groan.

"So new folks, you know who you are." He gestured to AJ first, and relief washed over me.

I couldn't take my eyes off her as she walked to the front of the circle, her strides self-assured but calm. She wore just jeans and a t-shirt, but something about that just added to how effortless everything about her was. How we even existed in the same universe was beyond me, let alone the same addiction therapy group. She was a diamond, and I was fucking fool's gold.

"Hey, I'm AJ," she started, and gave that perfect half-smile that made my knees weak. "It's Antonietta Jane actually, but nobody takes Antonietta seriously, so AJ was born pretty early on in my life."

She addressed the group as a whole, but damn I wanted her to just look right at me. Even just for a second.

"I was born and raised in New York City. Upper West Side. My mom was a decent lawyer, so I'll admit we had a pretty nice life in the city, ya know?" The words came out of her mouth 100 miles per hour, in a way I had already gotten used to. She was so animated about everything, and I hinged on every single word. "I stayed local and studied creative writing at Columbia, and I figured out early on I was a pretty stereotypical party girl. I wanted to make friends in college, so I just said yes to everything. Take 5 shots of tequila? Yeah sure. Wanna sell some molly on the side for some extra cash? I'm your girl. Having a parent in law enforcement didn't really help, because I more or less got away with everything."

She took a breath to steady herself. "I look back and realize there were a lot of times I should have figured out I had a drinking problem. Waking up in a stranger's apartment and not knowing how I got there, lying to my mom when I asked to borrow money so I could go out and party...and this wasn't like a once in a while occurrence, this was every god damn weekend."

It was obvious she had gone through this speech a thousand times, rehearsed it for different support groups and therapies, and figured out which details mattered and which didn't. But above anything, she was confident enough to share that story with total strangers. She was a tough act to follow, and as her eyes glazed over the group again, I sunk further into my chair. I was not fucking ready for this.

"It was only until my mom got sick that I understood the problem I had," she continued, her voice slowing and ever so slightly catching in her throat. "I realized I was so fucked up that I couldn't even get her to the hospital, and it just really opened my eyes. I gave up everything to take care of her, thinking it would somehow atone for everything I had done and save her."

She paused again, swallowing hard before continuing. "Well, the problem with that was the fact that I only got sober for someone else. I didn't really care about being clean, but I cared about her and taking care of her. Not that any of it mattered in the end. She had thyroid cancer, but even after they removed it, it spread to her lungs and basically suffocated her to death. It was the longest four months of my life."

It felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room, but she kept going. Relentless and strong and everything I wasn't.

"So afterwards...it was like I hit reset on my sobriety, because the one and only reason I got sober was gone. I dropped out of Columbia, and there was actually a point where I was living in my car. It took me a pretty long time to understand that if I wanted this to work, I'm the person I had to get sober for. So now I've been sober for about six months, and I realized it was time for me to get the hell out of the city and put my life back together in a new place. My mother's cousin lives out here and offered to let me stay in their guest house, and I'm officially enrolled in the College of Charleston for the fall. I'm still writing, just not as much these days...but I'm okay with that."

She finally looked at me, and I swear I felt my heart explode.

"Thank you for sharing that with us AJ," Just John said. The rest of the group mumbled a collective "thank you."

Just John turned his gaze right at me. "Kai?"

My limbs felt heavy as I shifted in my chair. "Do I uh...do I have to get up?"

"No," he shook his head. "Whatever you're comfortable with."

At this point I would have been more comfortable sitting on a cactus.

"Okay..." I tried to sit up, but my body wasn't cooperating. "So...I'm Kai, and uh...I'm a drug addict."

I swallowed hard as I was met with blank stares from the group. "What, isn't that the shit you're supposed to say at these things?"

More blank stares. Just John cleared his throat.

"Well, you can," he shrugged. "Anything else you'd like to share with the group? How are you feeling? Any challenges you've come across?"

I clicked my tongue. "Well, I feel like shit. And a challenge I've come across is how the hell I'm supposed to sit through these meetings with my sanity intact."

I felt awkward and out of place...but so did everybody else. Surprisingly, Just John just smirked and shook his head at me. He probably had dealing with assholes like me down to an exact science.

"You'll get there, don't worry."

He continued on with our group discussion as if nothing had happened, where he asked us to talk about our needs versus our wants. All I knew was I needed to get the fuck out of there before I suffocated, and I wanted AJ. I didn't really know to what capacity yet, but even if it was just something as simple as sitting next to me, so I could feel her warmth.

The meeting lasted an hour and a half, although when I went back in two days it would be 3 hours total, broken up into 2 meetings. I stood in the middle of the parking lot and lit a cigarette, since I knew I'd be chewed out if I smoked too close to the hospital entrance.

"So..." a voice that had become all too familiar came from behind. "I'd say your first meeting went pretty well."

I turned to face AJ, with her arms crossed over her chest and her hair now up into a messy pile on top of her head. She gave me a half-smile.

"Swimmingly," I grumbled, blowing out a puff of smoke.

She sighed and took another step towards me, and in a knee jerk reaction, I took a step back.

"You know..." she pinched her lips together, like she was trying to figure out her next words. "Despite what a lot of people think, being an addict doesn't automatically make you a shitty person. But don't be the reason people think addicts are shitty people, cause right now, you're doing a pretty good job of that."

I shrugged. "Maybe I am just a shitty person. Ever think of that?"

She barked out a laugh. "I know you're not, because you can't even say that with a straight face."

She sauntered away without another word and left me standing with my mouth hanging open. My mom pulled up next to me, breaking me out of my stupefied daze.

"So, how was it?" she asked with an endearing smile. "Was it helpful?"

As we drove out of the parking lot, I caught a glimpse of AJ climbing into her Jeep.

"Yeah," I swallowed hard. "It was...enlightening."

✗✗✗

Part of Sage's popularity when we were in high school came from her house parties. Since her parents were gone so often and she was an only child, it gave her full control of their beachside mansion. When everyone would come home from college for winter or summer break, she still had them occasionally, partially for old times sake, and partially because it was the ultimate epitome of a small town - getting drunk at someone's house because nobody had anything better to do except drive around or go to Chick-fil-A.

I grappled with another roll of duct tape, desperate to piece back together my only mode of transportation. I only wish I could use duct tape to put my life back together.

My skateboard was still in two pieces and there was no way in hell it was rideable, so after another 20 minutes I gave up and decided to trek to Sage's house on foot. The sun was just starting to set by the time I got there, but I could already hear roars of laughter coming from the back deck.

The moment I stepped foot on the deck, a pair of arms flung themselves around me, and I recognized Sage's expensive, flowery perfume wafting off of her hair. She kissed my cheek and pulled away.

"I was getting worried you weren't gonna come," she said with a pinched smile.

"Well, I'm here," I shrugged. I huffed out a sigh. "And I really need a drink."

She smiled wider and slipped her hand into mine. I recognized most of her sorority sisters from USC that were hanging around outside, all of them with various shades of bleach blonde hair and the same sneer directed at me as Sage pulled me across the deck and into the house. She pressed a cold can of beer into my hands, and I felt her watch me as I slugged it back like water.

For a moment I wondered how counterproductive it was to start drinking right after an addiction counseling group, but I knew I never had a drinking problem. Even still, I needed my nerves unwound, and the thought of taking a Xanax put knots in my stomach. Alcohol was a nice alternative.

We spent most of the night outside on the deck, and as the buzz started to hit and my fingers started to tingle, Sage would occasionally run her fingers through my hair, or rest her hand on my thigh. I never fit in with her group, all Gucci shoes and nice watches, but she always paid attention to me. Even when things were bad between us, I clung to little things like that.

At some point after the sun went down and the heat dissipated, I went inside to use the bathroom. When I came out, I heard my name mixed in with hushed voices. I pressed my back against the wall that separated the kitchen from the hallway, so I could hear them without being seen.

"Honey, I cannot for the life of me begin to understand why you still bring that dirtbag around." Prim and proper southern. It had to be one of those blonde bimbos. Brittany or Tiffany or whatever the hell their names were.

I heard Sage scoff. "Don't call him that."

"But it's not even an exaggeration, it's literal. Every time you bring him around, he always looks like he just jumped off the hot mess express."

I bit the inside of my cheek and ran my hand through my hair in an attempt to smooth some of it back. There were no stains on my shirt, but the bottom hem was wrinkled from me pulling at it all night. I knew I didn't look like any of them, or have money like them, but did that really make me such a dirtbag?

"Whatever," she scoffed again. "Who I fuck is none of your business."

I'd heard enough, and I pushed myself off the wall and trudged back outside where I dropped my backpack. Nobody noticed I was leaving as I slipped away in the dark, and while I half-expected Sage to call me asking me where I went, she didn't. I had become such a transient being in everyone's lives around me, I guess it made sense. I came and went, here and there like a ghost who couldn't figure out if he was dead or alive, and nobody expected anything different from me.

✗✗✗

here is where i want to reiterate a few things -

1. sage is not and will not be a legitimate love interest, and as much as it may seem like it at times, there is no love triangle here. there will be no romanticizing of any of her behavior, but she is still an integral part of the story, as is kai's perception of their relationship.

2. so just because kai says or does something doesn't mean it's right. he is definitely an unreliable narrator in this story, and just because HE thinks it's okay to drink because he "didn't have a drinking problem" doesn't mean it's actually okay, or just because for the moment he thinks everything is fine between him and sage doesn't mean their relationship is okay.

i felt it was important to reemphasize some of these points, as i don't want the messages in the story being skewed or misunderstood. kai is very much going through a learning process, and it can be difficult to unlearn things and habits you've known and done your whole life.