-LINA'S POV-

Life is so monotonous.

The world feels like it's permanently in black and white. The same old boring bullshit everyday. The same sadness, pain and betrayal. None of it's worth any of it.

Pills take that away from me. I feel as though once you swallow the pill, it's just a waiting game. And when it kicks in, the euphoric feeling is so immense, so thrilling, so addictive.

Any mental barriers drop down. I can be myself, I can be honest and open and loving. Everything feels so ethereal, so beautiful. The connection with yourself, the world and the people around you is unbelievably relieving. Life finally feels worth living.

That is until the comedown.

The ringing in your ears, the pain all over your body, the burning desire to take more to feel the ecstasy all over again.

Life feels so monotonous again, but even more so than normal.

My brain craves to be that happy again. My body wants to be moving. My soul is desperate to feel that free and happy again.

But it doesn't.

Recently, the comedowns beens permanent. Just laying there empty, faking smiles, nothing in my head.

But nobody gets it.

How could they?

"Lina? You're like a zombie, babe. I'm gonna miss you so much! I promise we'll visit soon, when you're back in Spain maybe we could come for a girls holiday. Is Magaluf near Barcelona?

"No," I shake my head, "no. That question worries me. A lot. Completely different places."

"Oh, sorry babe! Love you so much. Sin, thanks so much for the lift to the airport. I'm going to miss you more than I can explain! And now I'm gonna be stuck listening to Jagger cry about you." Anna sighs.

Jagger elbows her. "That is not true, bro. The air's just different in America."

"I'll be crying too bro. You're my best mate, you know that?" Sin grins, hugging Jagger.

As we watch them leave, I wait patiently for an emotion. Two of my nearest and dearest are leaving, but I don't feel any sadness, any longing.

Just empty.

I fucking hate comedowns.

"Are you sure you're okay, little red? Do you wanna grab some Maccies before we get in the car?" Sin asks me, his face painted with worry.

Biting my lip, I fake a smile. "Yeah, McDonalds sounds good. Are we allowed in if we aren't flying?"

"Seeing as it's in the drop off area, I'm gonna go with yeah. 20 box of nuggets and some fries each?" He says, putting an arm out to me.

I roll my eyes, shoving his arm down. I refuse to link his arm in public, who does he think we are, people from Bridgeton?

Despite my arguing, Sin pays for the food. We sit and eat in awkward silence for twenty minutes, with Sin constantly throwing paranoid looks my way. He can tell I'm not myself; it's kinda obvious when there's a lack of sarcastic, bitchy comments.

"Are you sure you're okay?" He asks, before taking a bite from his chip.

Placing my drink down, I roll my eyes. "I'm fine, Sin. Stop going on, it's getting on my nerves."

"Okay, I'll drop it. I have something to tell you, actually. If you're certain you're okay."

"Go on...." I tilt my head, speaking hesitantly.

He grins. "I've taken work off until the 10th. Until you fly back. I know you'll be back not long after, but whilst you're here I want to spend every day with you."

"Your work must fucking hate you after all this time off."

"Benefits of being the boss," he winks, before checking the time, "are you ready to go? Daisy's been alone a lot recently, it's worrying me."

I nod, standing up, my mind replaying what he said.

I know you'll be back not long after.

Will I? Is that what he thinks? Is that what he wants? Is that what I want?

Sin has been abandoned by me far too many times, he's been abandoned in general far too many times. I wouldn't do that to him again. But is England really the place for me?

I love Spain. The sun, the people, the cuisine, the language. My sun, my people, my cuisine, my language. But do I really belong there? I'm not fully Spanish. When I'm there, it feels like I'm not a local, but when I'm in England, I feel so out of place.

But when I'm with Sin...

"Can we pick up edibles on the way back? I know a guy in East London." I ask with a pleading grin as we sit in the car.

The airports near London, so I don't see how he can deny.

"You think I'm going to encourage you after yesterday? Fuck that. We're going home." He says, driving with an angry furrow in his eyebrows.

I sigh, but clearly he's forgetting about the bud collection in the draw.

When we arrive home, the journey felt uncomfortably short. I didn't fall asleep- I was just too engrossed in my own little bleak world that the time meaninglessly flew by.

There's an amazon parcel rested against the door, which Sin picks up excitedly.

"What's that?"

"Just some vitamins." He responds.

I roll my eyes once again. "You're excited about vitamins? That's so sad. Can you unlock the door? I'm cold."

Daisy leaps up at the door excitedly, her tail wagging as she jumps against my chest. Stroking her gently, I kiss her on the head. She's a really sweet dog, so happy and lively.

"Hot chocolate?" Sin asks, heading towards the kitchen.

I nod. "Yeah, yeah of course. I'm just gonna go upstairs quick. Watch a film or something I think. I'll grab my drink in five, just wanna pick the film."

"Don't worry, I'll bring it up to you." He smiles, so I nod gently before dashing up the stairs.

Just as I'm about to open the draw to my stash, my phone rings.

Rhiannon.

"What do you want?" I huff, leaning against my bed. I'm not ready to hear what this bitch has to say, but I guess the day I have the ability to not feel shit is probably a good time to listen.

She sighs down the phone. "I can't be happy over here knowing we have a problem. You're my best-friend, Catalina. But Sin's my friend too, I was trying to protect him..."

"Protect him? I'm not some kind of monster, Rhi. I really don't care why you did, or that you did it to be honest. I don't care about you, just fuck off. You're on your honeymoon, go shag your husband or something. Just leave me alone."

"Don't be horrible, Cat. I love you, babe, I want us to be okay. We are okay right?"

"I don't give a shit about you, Rhiannon. Don't call me again." I tell her, ending the phone.

My hands instantly go to the draw, pulling it open and pulling out my black tin. I open the lid, conscious of the smell- Sin would go crazy if he knew, but I don't really give a shit.

What. The. Fuck.

Empty.

My pills, my bud, my fucking grinder. All gone.

"Looking for something? Here's your hot chocolate. Great film you've picked." Sin speaks from the doorway, holding a red cup spilling out with whippy cream and marshmallows.

"I preferred you when you weren't sarcastic, dickface. Do you know where my shit is then? You been at it?"

"I haven't been at it. I did bin it, though. Where do you want the drink?" He asks, gesturing to the mat by the TV and the mat by the bedside table.

I cross my arms. "I don't care. What do you mean, you've binned it? Funny joke. Hand it over, I need to smoke."

Sin bites his lip, placing the drink on the mat beside the TV. He walks over, sitting beside me on the bed, inhaling deeply.

"I mean, I binned it, Lina. I was doing you a favour."

"You see, it's really funny, because people around here keep doing favours that aren't fucking favouring anyway. Give me my shit back, Sin."

"No. You have a problem. I've been there, I want to help." He whispers, placing a hand on my thigh.

Instantly, I shake him off, the boiling blood running through my veins, potentially frying my brain even more. Why would he do this? It's weed, I don't have a problem with weed. It would help me sleep, and if I'm asleep, then I don't have to feel this emptiness, because I'll be asleep.

"I don't have a fucking problem. And how can you help? You're addicted to literal poison, do you know how embarrassing that is?"

"Anymore embarrassing than popping pressed pills with cartoon faces on them? Addiction isn't embarrassing, Catalina. And I know exactly what you're doing, you're lashing out. That's normal." He whispers, grabbing my hand.

I stare down at his hand, not having the energy ro shove him off me (but having the anger to open my mouth). "Stop acting all high and mighty. Don't act like you haven't relapsed. If I offered you vodka right now, you'd take it. Where's my weed, Sin? My pills? I paid for that shit, you know?"

"Don't be a bitch to me, I'm trying to fucking help! You shouldn't be worrying about this, Lina, you should be worrying about so much else. Your Abuela, for example. When was the last time you checked in on her? Us. You could be worrying about us. Or not worrying at all, you could be watching a film with Daisy and I, drinking hot chocolates like a normal couple."

I take a deep breath, releasing his fingers from my grip. I don't mean what comes out my mouth, but I can't control it- I just need to know where my stuff is.

"Well we aren't a couple. And we're far from fucking normal, aren't we Sin? Look, we don't need to argue, just tell me where my stuff is and we'll be fine, see? You and me, blablabla, we can talk about all that stuff."

"I told you, Lina. I binned it." He says, looking at me nervously.

Standing up, my voice raises into a scream. "You had no fucking right, Sin! I'm not an addict. I just..I just... I can't feel like this anymore. I can't. I can't live in this void, please just give me my stuff back, please, please. Please, if you love me, please."

Sin stands up too, wrapping his arms around me. The comforting smell of peppermint, cigarettes and aftershave engulf my nose-buds as I rest my head on his beating chest, my place of comfort. I didn't mean to hurt him, he doesn't get that, I just can't.. I can't feel like this anymore. My tears vibrate through the two of us, but the shame I normally feel from vulnerability dissolves as all I feel is numb.

"You don't need the drugs, Catalina. I know it feels like you do, trust me, I know more than anyone. But they don't help. Not in the long run. The vitamins I brought, they are 5HTP. They help raise your serotonin levels back up. It's not a magic fix, but it should help. I'm looking into other supplements for you, to help. And you can come to my therapy group with me, when you're ready to. We kept relapsing because we didn't have each other. But now you've got me again, Lina. And I'm not going anywhere, okay? I'm not going anywhere." He whispers in my ear, rubbing my back.

I bite my lip, the cravings still inside me, but a blanket of comfort laying over them.

"Can you pick a film, please? I want to sort my face out." I fake-laugh, knowing the appearance of me must be far from attractive.

He wipes a tear from under my eye with the tip of his thumb, then places a kiss on my forehead. "You look beautiful, little red, but I get that you want a moment. What genre?"

"Don't be a sappy twat, else I'll be even more sick then I was yesterday. Horror or Disney."

After washing my face, I head back to the room. I'm still suffering a comedown, and mortified after my episode, but being with Sin will help.

Being with Sin always helps.

"I put on The Orphan. That okay? I nearly put on Dirty Dancing, but I thought that would be too sappy for you." He grins, patting the empty space beside him on the bed.

I laugh, taking a sip from my hot chocolate. "It's also not a horror film."

"You used to act like it was."

"Shut up." I order, laying on the bed beside him.

He wraps an arm round me and I hesitantly lean in. I will forever be apprehensive about letting my guard down, letting people in. It's something I have and always will struggle with, but with Sin, it was so much easier.

And that scares me. He doesn't realise how much him, us, whatever this is, scares me.

"I love you, Catalina." He murmurs, kissing me on the forehead.

I stare up at him, wondering how someone like him could ever love someone like me. Wondering how anyone could ever love someone like me.

When I was younger, I believed in fairytales. I was mi madre's mariposa, her little butterfly, because I was so full of love and light. She knew I'd fly away, I wanted to see the world and I wanted to be the world. She used to read me all kinds of stories and I'd put together my dream little life- but that was all just a fantasy.

To everyone else, I'm a sarcastic stone-cold bitch. But Sin sees the other side of me. The light, loving side of me.

"You have no idea how much power you really have over me." I whisper into his warm breath, sliding my tongue across his.

His mouth responds, his soft lips pressing against mine, gently and slowly and full of care. My right leg presses over his, forcing our bodies to be closer.

Sin pushes deeper into the kiss, his tongue exploring my mouth as if its a new adventure. He has one hand twirling round my curly locks. The other slowly trails my face, my neck, my spine- sending sensations through my nerves, causing the hair on my neck to prick up just at the slightest hint of his touch. His hand reaches down, squeezing my ass, pulling my right leg even further over him.

He moves his other hand from my hair, placing it on my waist, pulling me on top of him. I find myself straddling his lap as he sits up, maintaining his hands on my ass.

"It can never be just a film with us, can it?" He smirks, kissing me once more.

I moan into his kiss, my body feels alive again; the empty void slowly leaving me, becoming a distant, cloudy memory.

My fingers climb under his top, rubbing along his strong, warm chest, until I decide the top is all but a barrier. I move my kiss to his neck, instinctively marking what's mine.

Sex didn't use to be enjoyable to me - if anything it was traumatic. I'd think about the situations when I was younger, I'd feel upset and I'd feel used.

I feel like there is two common routes for survivors- being petrified of sex or over-sexualising yourself.

Lucky old Catalina got both.

"Be a good girl now, that's what your daddy wanted, isn't it baby? You're such a pretty pretty girl, you know that?"

"I don't like this game." I whine, tired and my body sore.

I was so young. But I always knew the game was wrong.

As Sin's bare skin touches my lips, I feel the trauma clouding my brain; eating away at every part of happiness and joy I have left inside me. All I can picture is my sperm donor and his sick, disgusting, paedophilic friends.

"Get off of me!" I scream, my hands shoving him away from me.

He can't hurt me. Not this time. Not ever again.

I bite my lip. Anxiety trembles through my body. "Please get off of me."

"It's me, little red. You're okay. You need to breathe, we don't want you having a panic attack, okay? I'm right here beside you. I'm gonna put my shirt on, then, if it's okay with you, I'm going to give you a hug. You're okay, all right? And I'm gonna be here until you want me to go." He whispers, grabbing his shirt and putting it back on.

My hitched breathing begins to slow again. It's not him. It's not him.

"Sin?"

"It's me, little red. Come here, you're okay. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. Just breathe. Come here." He wraps an arm round me, pulling me gently but carefully into his embrace.

Normally I'd argue, say I don't need his help. I'm a strong girl, independent, all that bad-bitch facade. But I'm so tired, the idea of Sin staying with me is oddly comforting.

Sin pulls me closer, as though I could disappear at any minute.

And maybe he's right.

"Nobody, and I mean nobody, is going to hurt you when I'm around, Catalina. I mean that." He whispers, pressing a gentle kiss on my forehead.

Or maybe he's wrong.

~~~~~
PROCESS

Hey so little waffle time as I can't remember the last time I did that (probably the last chapter hahaha I can waffle for England)

Okay so basically obviously this chapter was very sad. I made it clear from the start there is a lot of references to a variety of serious topics. Naturally, these have been touched upon, however in the next chapters they will be zoomed in on A LOT more.

From a young age, I strongly believe a lot of things are highly glamorised that shouldn't be. Drugs, toxic relationships, etc.

I am not going to go into the full story, but some of the topics touched upon are very close to me and I am writing from firsthand experience. However, not all of them, so if ANY of you feel I am writing about a serious topic inaccurately, glamorising it, or have any feedback or information about your own experiences you are willing to share- PLEASE MESSAGE ME!

Also, if you are suffering with any of the themes within this series and feel as though you have nobody to confide in, please message me. My messages are a safe space. I am no professional, but I am always here to listen and help when possible.

Love you all xxxx