Refresh.

Check the number of "likes".

Sigh.

Refresh again.

It was a typical Friday night. I was staying up late, sitting in my bed, and staring at my phone in a trance-like state.

And of course, I was sweating profusely and practically trembling with anxiety.

Why isn't it getting enough likes? Why are none of my friends commenting? Do I look ugly in it? Does everyone hate me?

These thoughts swirled in my mind, forming a tornado of worry and frustration.

The speed of the wind picked up, and I finally decided to take shelter.

I believed that I wasn't likable enough. Pretty enough. Good enough.

And I wasn't strong enough to deal with those simple facts.

I gave in and made a decision.

I'm going to delete it and post something better.

And so the vicious cycle began once again. I closely scrutinized my camera roll to decide on what to upload instead.

I really love this funny picture of my sister. But no, I can't post it. It wouldn't pull in enough likes.

These flowers are beautiful and I'm proud of myself for taking this photo. But no, the colors don't match my feed.

Maybe I should post a meaningless selfie. Those always seem to get a lot of "likes". But no, all my selfies are unattractive and totally not Instagram-worthy.

Yet again, I gave in and made a decision.

I'm going to take a perfect selfie. I'm going to accomplish the incredible feat of getting more than 150 likes on a photo. Then, I'll finally feel loved.

My plan was meticulously put into effect. I wore a shirt that nicely complemented my feed, painted on a full face of makeup, and thought of a memorable caption. I posted it on Wednesday, at exactly 9:00 pm, because everyone knows that that's the prime posting time.

I had taken every measure possible to guarantee my success. Every. Last. One.

So, imagine my sweet satisfaction as I watched my picture surpass milestone after milestone.

57 likes...

93 likes...

149 likes...

And eventually... 150 likes.

But even as I faithfully refreshed again and saw that my dream had come true, I was not happy.

I felt the same as ever before. Unloved. Unappreciated. A failure.

Getting "likes" on a picture wasn't going to change my feelings. In fact, it had only made my crumbling self-esteem worse than ever before.

It had only taken me over a year to come to that unsettling realization.

For a final time, I gave in and made a decision.

I deactivated my Instagram account.

Over three months later, I concluded that I had grown confident enough to face my enemy once again.

And I was right.

Now, I rarely think about the number of "likes" I receive.

I only post the things that I truly love—which still includes the occasional selfie.

Why? Because I love myself. It doesn't matter whether I get 2 likes or 200 likes.

I matter.