His mother always used to say that he's part-fish.

She lives alone in a shoreline home overlooking Coalfell Beach, where topaz sunbursts of light scatter against the calming blue of the ocean during the day. The waves leave seashells spread out across the dark golden sands and the halo of the mountains color the sky. At night, there's no telling where the gray skies end and where they begin, and the ocean seems to sleep while the moon draws so close and stars float in the distance.

Roden, before moving to Saltlake for college and before swimming in chlorinated pools, spent his summers there building sandcastles, learning how to surf, basking in the gentle wind the sea brought and exploring the curve of the coastline until there were no more miles to walk. He grew up to love the water so much that it became a part of him (see: his mother calling him part-fish), but now, he only goes there in his dreams—the memory of the place etched into his mind like a sketch permanently drawn on a page, paint splotched on a canvas, chords strummed to a guitar.

There was a time when, at thirteen, before meeting Reed, he never wanted to leave. There was a high school nearby, why couldn't he go there instead? So he asked, "Can't I live with you? Do I really have to go?"

His mother took his hands. "Your father is going to be lonely if you live here. He has no one in the city, Roden. He only has you."

He has his work, Roden wanted to argue then, but he knew it would only make his mother sad, so he said instead, "What about you? Aren't you lonely?"

She smiled. "I have the ocean with me, Blob, why would I be lonely?"

Blob. It's short for Blobfish, and it's what she calls him. It's also the name he's greeted with the second she answers the phone.

"Hey, Blob," she says, and Roden closes his eyes, letting his senses take over as he hears the sounds of the waves crashing, smells the salt and sand in the breeze, and feels the touch of the sun on his skin—all in her voice. "You haven't called in a while."

Because he misses Coalfell. Because he misses her that sometimes, hearing her voice hurts. "Yeah, I know Mom, I'm sorry. I've been busy a lot with school."

"You sound awful," she remarks, worry instantly lacing her tone. Roden sighs. "Are you sick, honey?"

"Just tired," he says. "How are you?"

She doesn't seem convinced, but thankfully she lets it slide. "Still the same old. The beach is still beautiful, the house is still under my care, the jewelry business is doing good...how 'bout you, my darling?"

Roden leans back against his desk chair and closes his eyes once more. "I miss you, Mom," he whispers, no embarrassment or hesitation or a half-baked truth coating his words. "I wish I was at Coalfell. I miss your pancakes in the morning, I miss your hugs, I miss our fishing trips."

His mom laughs heartily, and it's a sound that fills his chest with warmth that it feels like he could breathe a little better. "I miss you too, Blob. Coalfell surely misses you as well. You can have your pancakes, hugs, and fishing trips after you finish this semester. You're bringing Reed, right? Oh, I'm so excited!"

He pauses. And then, "Mom. I don't know if I'll be able to visit this coming break."

There's silence on the other end too for a few seconds. "Blob, is there something wrong?"

"No," he answers, a little too quickly. With a sigh, he kicks the table in frustration. "No, it's just...I don't know if it's possible yet."

"...alright," she says softly, and Roden knows that she's disappointed but trying not to show it. It's hurting him. "Alright, Blob. Let me know, okay? How is the road to becoming a marine biologist going? How's swimming and how's Reed?"

Roden grips the hem of his shirt and forces himself to answer normally, the way he would if his future and life weren't at risk. "Classes are good. I'm loving biology a lot, obviously. I attend the science team meetings regularly too. Swimming is, well, we have our championships coming up so there's that, and Reed...Reed is doing okay. She's still dating a dick, but okay."

She laughs again, and Roden's lips crack into the tiniest bit of smiles. "I'm glad you're doing well in school, darling, and I'm sure you'll win gold again for the championships. You always do. And as for Reed, tell her to call me, will you? I haven't spoken to her in a while and I want to know how she's doing."

"Yeah, okay, Mom. Will do. I'll talk to you again soon, alright?"

"Of course, Blob. Call your dad too. He misses you."

Does he? "Okay."

"I love you."

"Yeah," he says quietly, swallowing hard. "Yeah, I love you too."

He throws his phone on the bed and runs both hands through his face before they stop against his chest, where his fingers can feel the rough edges of the lines spreading against his skin. He coughs, and two petals drop onto his hands, and he throws them away on his desk.

There's humming outside, so he knows Knox is home from his grocery trip. Roden stands and wobbles a bit on his feet before making his way to the kitchen to flop down on one of the island stools. His best friend, who's in nothing but jeans and an apron (a normal occurrence, he says he feels more like a chef if his shirt is off while cooking), turns and smiles at him while the noodles boil and the meat sauce simmers. "You in the mood for some spaghetti tonight?"

They made up after his talk with Coach. It's obvious that Knox doesn't approve of his decision, but he's glad that talking with Coach and Toby gave Roden a wider perspective on his situation. He's hurting too, for his best friend, but he promised Roden that whatever choice he chooses to make, he's going to support him in any way he can.

"You're already cooking it so who am I to say no," Roden answers flatly. Knox laughs. "Uh, thanks for doing the shopping. I know it's my turn this month but—"

"Shut up," he says lightly, leaning over the counter to prop his elbows against the surface. "We both know you're not in any condition to do shit, so let me be a good roommate slash brother and do the shit for you."

And he really is grateful that he pretended to be Knox's boyfriend during freshman orientation when an...admirer of his showed up out of nowhere. Of course, at that time, Roden had no idea what was going on. "See this!" Knox screamed then, fingers almost cutting off Roden's blood circulation as he raised their interlaced hands up in the air. Roden stood there wide-eyed and lost, because just a minute before, he was reading his course list on a brochure and following the college senior facilitating the campus tour. The girl looked horrified at his sudden outburst. "I'm taken! Leave me alone, for fuck's sake! This isn't your school and I've had enough of you stalking me, you wrinkle-tongued sockslug. Go away."

So she did. In tears. Knox let go and grinned widely once she was gone, holding out his hand for Roden to shake. "Sorry 'bout that. I'm actually pan, but that's a conversation for another time. Uh, I'm Knox Wilson. Nice meeting you."

"...Roden Olivers. Nice meeting you too."

The memory makes him chuckle. "You scared the shit out of me when we first met, you know? You pulled me away from the group, grabbed my hand and made an innocent girl cry—"

Knox reaches under the counter and throws a coffee sachet in Roden's face. "We promised not to talk about that, dickhead. And she's not innocent—you know the shit she did to me long before she followed me inside the school."

Roden snickers and stands, raising his palms up. "Yeah, I do, she's crazy, so I'll leave you to cook in peace...wrinkle-tongued sockslug."

Knox throws another sachet directly into the back of his head. Roden ducks into his room, laughing boisterously at the insult Knox came up with back then. "It just came out, alright?" he yells defensively. "Keep it up or else no dinner for you tonight."

"Ah, now that's just not fair," Roden answers loudly with a smile as he grabs his phone off the bed. "You have to feed the dying man in this household."

"Oh, shut the fuck up."

He shakes his head, mouth still curved as he scrolls through his messages with Reed. The last was at one this afternoon, when she told him she'd be at the library to prep for the midterms in two weeks. Roden sent a text three hours after that to check up on her (hey, are you still at the lib? your brain might hate you for dumping too much information in it for today. text me when you're home), but there was no response. It's a little unusual for Reed not to reply to him or even update him after almost eight hours, and since the library should be closed already, he assumes that she's home by now. Roden types a message. want spaghetti for dinner? i'll pick you up.

While waiting for her response, Roden heads to the living room and takes a seat on the couch, finger hovering over the call button. He bites his lip and touches the screen. It rings once. Twice. Thrice.

"Hi, it's Steve. I can't answer the phone right now, so leave a message after the beep."

Beep.

Roden doesn't know what else he expects from a father who was almost always absent when he lived in Bairdford. Still, he sighs and says, "Dad. It's, uh, it's me. Call me when you can. Bye."

Knox's head peeks through the wall that divides the living room and the dining. "No answer?"

"As usual."

"How 'bout your mom?"

"We talked earlier."

"...he's just busy with work, Rodes."

"I know. Trust me."

"Okay." Knox nods and returns to the kitchen to check on the noodles. "Okay, I trust you."

Roden goes back to his messages with Reed. Still no answer. He puts his phone on loud mode and places it on his lap before turning the television on.

When it's been almost half an hour without a reply again (more than enough time for Reed to be out of the shower if she was in it, and he knows that Reed isn't in bed this early), Roden calls her. It goes to voicemail. He calls her again and the same thing happens. He sends a text in worry. reed, answer the phone.

And even though it's against every fiber in his being, he also sends a text to Aaron (he snatched his number from Reed's phone when they first started dating, sue him). is reed with you?

no.

do u know where she is

Roden receives a reply in no time: not her babysitter.

Roden snorts. He really is a douche.

He lets another five minutes pass before calling her, only for it to go to voicemail once again.

Roden stands and grabs a scarf and umbrella. "Knox, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going? The food's ready—Rodes!"

Roden feels awful enough already, what will all the toxins of the flowers sipping away every bit of his body until there's nothing left, but he hasn't heard from Reed in almost nine hours, and he's going to lose his mind if he lets another second pass without finding her.

*

He finds her in a different library.

The one at the university closes precisely at eight in the evening. The local one a few blocks from Branson Alcott closes at midnight.

He's worried, he's a little mad, and he's out of breath from checking the university library first in case she was locked inside, then her apartment with his spare key only to find it empty and quiet, then around the school and the coffee shops surrounding the area before thinking of the local library. He opens the door a little louder than what's allowed and dashes inside, eyes searching every corner of the room. A few students look at him weirdly, but some don't even bother to glance at him, too focused with their work. He finds Reed with her head down a few tables from the end of the floor, books spilled open across from her, two cans of energy drinks empty and seated atop a folder. Roden sighs, catching sight of her phone being flooded with notifications on the screen, all from the contact name roden (≧0≦) ♡. He crouches and shakes Reed's shoulder lightly. "Hey. Reed, wake up. Reed."

She doesn't move. Roden bites his lip and settles on the chair beside her, one arm coming around to stroke her hair. "You must be so tired."

He strokes her hair for a minute or two, knowing that she likes it when he does that. Roden then stands and grabs her bag from the floor to place all of her books and notebooks inside, clearing the table and disposing the cans in the bin. He shoulders the bag once he's done and shakes Reed again. "Reed, hey. Wake up."

She stirs this time, slowly lifting her head and opening her eyes. Roden swallows the flowers down when she looks at him with a half-lidded gaze. He doesn't understand how she could still look so beautiful. "Roden?" she whispers, voice slightly hoarse. "What're you doing here?"

"You weren't answering your phone," he says, reaching out to smooth the strands that stuck to her cheeks and chin. "I was worried."

"M'sorry," Reed mumbles, disoriented with her surroundings. Her hand comes up to wipe her eyes. "Shit, I fell asleep."

Roden grins. "It's funny that you just realized that and you swore. Knox cooked spaghetti for dinner if you wanna come over, but if you're too tired, I can walk you back to your apartment."

She sits up straight and stretches, then looks sleepily up at him and smiles. "You're so handsome."

"What?"

"Nothing. I want spaghetti."

Roden blinks in confusion, having heard what she said loudly and clearly. "Uh, alright, come on then."

They leave the library. It's raining a little, so he holds the umbrella above their heads and Reed clings to his arm as they start to walk. The bag he's carrying is heavy and hits his thigh every time he takes a step, but he doesn't mind. "You should've told me which library you were at. I looked everywhere for you."

"Yeah, I should've," Reed agrees quietly as they walk. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I passed out, too. I must've worried you a lot."

Roden nods in answer. "It's okay. You're here now. How was that date with Aaron yesterday?"

She leans against him a little for support, her feet dragging themselves across the cement. "It was fine. He took me to this fancy restaurant and we talked a lot."

"That's good."

"He got pissed a little because I spilled water on him."

The brunet clenches his jaw. "He always finds a reason to get mad at you whenever you're together. It shouldn't have been a big deal."

Reed hums. "He didn't make it a big deal until I was talking to him about you."

"Leave him."

"Roden."

The boy grits his teeth. "Why do you stay with an asshole, Reed? You can do so much better."

She looks down and whispers, "You don't see it but he helps me."

"Helps you? In what way? I texted him earlier to ask where you were and you want to know what his reply was?"

"No," Reed says, shaking her head. "It doesn't matter."

Roden wants to punch a wall. It's his cue to stop talking about Aaron. "I talked to my mom earlier. She told me to tell you to call her too because she wants to know how you're doing."

Reed's lips pull up at the mention of Viktoria Olivers. "I'll call her tomorrow." They fall into comfortable silence for a few seconds. With the droplets of rain pattering against the ground and the umbrella, she asks, "Don't you miss it?"

"Miss what?"

"Coalfell."

"Of course I miss it," Roden answers with no hesitation. "Terribly."

Reed's hand slides further down his arm to grasp his wrist gently. Roden's heart picks up its pace at the touch that elicits goosebumps across his skin. "Doesn't it hurt? It hurts to miss home, Roden. It's so far away."

Then why does it still hurt having you so close and here with me?

"Coalfell isn't my home," he whispers. It's wherever you are. "But yes, it does hurt all the same."

*

i want to hear your thoughts please!

thank you for reading. much love, q.