⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺
Love can’t make you strong ’till love has made you weak.
. ✦ .

Jang-Mi

“I like your sweater.” Ji-Hu rubs his little palm over my arm, smiling at the softness of the fabric.

“Thank you. I’ll buy you one so we can match our outfits someday. Okay?” I gently pinch his soft cheek, making him flash his tiny upper row of teeth where the middle two are missing.

Ji-Hu is such a cute boy, and his toothless smiles and innocent glances remind me so much of Areum’s younger days, making my heart have a contradictory emotional experience. The memories are warm and comforting, but it’s making me sad that those days have gone by too quickly. Life, however, seems to have given me Ji-Hu just so I could relive those beautiful days and appreciate and love him just as much as I did my own daughter.

It’s always a beautiful thing to have more people to love and receive love from, and it’s even better when there are children in the picture. Would there be anything more to ask for?

When I look at Ji-Hu, I forget that he isn’t biologically connected to Yoongi. Someone once told me that children often resemble the parents they grow up with, and I strongly believe in it now that I’ve seen Yoongi and Ji-Hu. My heart does hurt in an unexplainable way when I think about this little boy’s mother who abandoned him as a fragile newborn. But it soon fills up with gratitude because the universe couldn’t have given him a better father than Yoongi.

Ji-Hu then sits down to wear his shoes, and, as insisted by Yoongi, I do not offer to help him out. I only sit beside him with my hand on my jaw, waiting for him to get it done in the cutest, slowest and clumsiest way possible. He never once grumbles or complains every time he’s unable to do it right. Instead, he patiently starts over again and keeps trying hard with a focused pout until he finally succeeds.

He immediately looks up at me for approval and appreciation, his eyes sparkling and his gaze eager; the proud grin on his face brings a big smile to my lips.

“Amazing, Ji-Hu! You’ve done a great job!” I give him a high five and ruffle his hair lightly.

Afterwards, I disinfect his little palms and fingers with a pair of wipes and we wait for Yoongi at the doorway.

“Will you be here when I come back?” Ji-Hu lifts his head to look at me, his twinkling eyes filled with anticipation.

Going down on my knees, I meet his eyes to talk to him.

“I’m not sure about that, but I will try.” My assurance makes him smile and nod in acceptance.

Yoongi arrives just then, and they bid goodbye to me as they leave for Ji-Hu’s friend’s house where Yoongi would drop him off. Ji-Hu would spend the day there and come back later in the evening.

I head inside the kitchen and put my purse aside before I set off to wash a batch of dishes that’s flooding the double sink. After about thirty minutes and a couple of breaks in between, I get done with the dishes and wipe down the counter by which time Yoongi returns.

Greeting me with a small peck on my cheek, he proceeds to wash his hands and wear his apron.

“We’re going to learn how to make simple white bread today. Have you tried baking bread before?” Yoongi asks me, pressing his palms down on the counter and moving his eyes slowly down my body, eyeing me like I’m a life-sized lollipop.

He further strengthens my suspicion by swiping his tongue slowly over his lower lip and swallowing thereafter in a dramatic way. The action blesses my eyes with the delectable sight of his Adam’s apple moving up and then down, making my thighs clench, and my throat goes dry instantly.

“No, I haven’t baked bread before,” I answer him, fastening my apron around my waist.

“Good. The key to a good loaf of bread lies in the quality of yeast that is used to proof the dough. There’s the classic active dry yeast, then there’s instant yeast, and lastly there’s fresh yeast. I prefer using instant yeast mainly because it has a longer shelf life, the success rate is 100%, and the proofing time is less than half of what it is with fresh yeast or active dry yeast.” Yoongi explains patiently, his hands clasped in front of his chest.

I nod a few times in understanding.

“There are also sourdough breads where the yeast is derived from an aged dough starter sample. Even though it is touted as a healthier alternative to baking with yeast, I’m not into sourdough baking,” his shoulders lift in a small shrug as he sends a cheeky smile my way.

“We’ll be using either all purpose flour or bread flour for this,” he adds, picking out a large bowl and some measuring utensils and placing them all on the counter.

“What’s the difference between the two?” I ask him as I move closer to him.

“Bread flour has more protein, which means it produces more gluten while kneading, and that in turn gives us a more stretchy dough, which will rise well and yield a nice and airy loaf of bread,” Yoongi clarifies my doubt, and I hum in understanding.

“We’ll be making three loaves today. Measure out exactly ten cups of flour, loosely scooped and leveled,” he instructs me, handing over the measuring cup.

“Okay,” I take it from him and measure out exactly ten cups of flour, after which Yoongi removes a handful of flour from the measured quantity.

“Just eyeballing, out of experience,” he winks at me, making me laugh softly.

“We need exactly 28 grams of instant yeast to go in there,” Yoongi hands me a glass jar that contains yeast, along with a small spoon.

I add the exact weight of yeast to the flour, and then he adds in a certain measure of sugar and salt as well to the flour bowl.

“I’ll warm up the milk and water needed for making the dough. The temperature of the liquids is a key factor that impacts proofing. If it’s too hot, it kills the yeast, and if it’s not warm enough, the yeast remains dormant. The temperature has to be just perfect and warm like this,” he spoons out a little bit of the warmed liquid mixture and pours it onto my palm.

“Okay,” I agree, watching him as he pours the entire liquid mixture into a well that I made in the center of the dry mixture just as instructed by him.

Once all the liquid is poured in, Yoongi moves aside everything else on the counter and brings the large bowl to the center.

“We’ve now fitted in the paddle attachment to the stand mixer, and in this goes,” he moves the bowl to the stand mixer and lowers the arm of it before powering on the apparatus.

It starts swirling and mixing the flour and the wet ingredients while Yoongi and I stand by, watching it gather all the little bits on the sides as well with every twist and turn of the dough ball stuck to the mixer handles.

A few minutes later, Yoongi turns off the machine and pours out the dough on the clean work surface that is dusted with a generous amount of bread flour.

“Hands work the best when it comes to kneading the dough, and giving it a good knead goes a long way in getting a fluffy loaf of bread,” his eyes are on me when he says that, and I whisper a soft ‘okay’ in response.

Yoongi takes a moment to roll up the sleeves of his shirt all the way to his elbows, and then he rinses his hands clean and dries them well.

While I watch him intently, he digs his fingers into the mass of dough laying on the work table. He spreads the dough out first, and then his hands gather the top edges of the dough and roll it down together. Holding down the dough at the base, Yoongi stretches the top of the dough across the work surface with the base of his palm and rolls it back again before repeating the steps and giving the dough a mighty good knead.

I’m literally salivating at the sight of his strong and veiny hands working on the dough, and my checking out isn’t even subtle because he notices soon.

“Wash your hands and join me,” the instruction comes out as a guttural rumble that causes a blanket of goosebumps spread over my entire body.

It takes me exactly ten seconds to wash my hands and dry them before moving to the counter right beside him. Yoongi welcomes me into the spot between both his arms, trapping me thereafter between his body and the work table.

“Now, get your hands in,” he leans close to my ear and breathes out.

I shudder lightly when his arms brush against mine ever so gently and teasingly, and then I feel his chest against my back. My fingers join his long ones inside the large dough ball, and he laces his fingers through the back of mine, gripping tightly and squeezing my hands.

A heavy breath leaves my parted lips when he simultaneously brings his hip right against my bottom, emitting a primal growl right into my ear when his growing erection presses against my ass.

Even amidst this intense moment where my thoughts aren’t directed at the dough, his hands ease with mine to stretch the dough across the surface; our bodies slightly tilting forward together.

“The bakery may remain closed today,” he mumbles against my ear, slightly dipping his head to graze my shoulder and the side of my neck with his tender lips.

My head falls back on his shoulder when his tongue licks a wet and thick stripe along the side of my neck, and my heart begins to hammer hard at an abnormal pace.

Reflexively, I push my bottom harder against his girth and roll my hips a little, making him suck his teeth and groan.

“Oh, fuck!” Yoongi’s hips move together with mine, rocking gently, “Jang-Mi, what are you doing to me?” He stutters hoarsely.

“We can’t keep doing this. You need to open the bakery,” I have no idea how I managed to bring out those words, given how breathless I am already.

Yoongi only groans in response, meshing our joined hands into the slightly sticky dough. I’m completely lost in the moment, and I don’t even realize his hands are already out of the dough until I feel the waist tie of my apron being undone; the garment falling to my feet thereafter.

I open my eyes and turn my head to look at him, smirking as he steps back and proceeds to pick up a bottle of oil.

“You need to roll it all into a ball and put it back into the bowl, but we first need to oil the bowl so that the dough doesn’t stick to the bowl when it rises,” saying so, he steps forward with his eyes riveted to mine.

Yoongi then drizzles a generous amount of oil into the bowl and spreads it around evenly while I roll the dough into a large ball and put it into the bowl. 

“Some oil on the top to prevent drying,” he says softly, smearing a film of oil on the surface of the dough and then covering it with cling film on the top.

“We need to wait until the dough rises,” his eyes lift to lock gazes with me, and he extends his oiled hands towards me.

When I hold one hand, his oil coated slippery fingers glide into the spaces between my fingers and he curls his fingers to hold my hand tighter and pull me closer to him.

His other hand snakes under my shirt and grabs my waist, gripping the bare flesh as tight as he could possibly hold with the oil coating.

“How about we wait upstairs?” I boldly ask him, taking cue from his not so subtle hints, pushing my hips forward and feeling his hardness press right on my heated core.

“I want you too, right now,” he leans closer and mumbles against my lips before sealing our lips together in a passionate and sensual kiss.

Yoongi and I quickly move upstairs, losing track of time, losing count of how many times we made love, and not even bothering to tone down our erotic noises.

I wake up after what feels like a few years to me, with not a stitch of fabric covering my body. Raising my head a little, I find myself alone in bed. It takes me a while to pull myself off the bed and get dressed in my own clothes that are neatly folded and stacked on the seating by the large window beside the bed.

When I came here earlier with a date plan in mind, I completely forgot that Ji-Hu would be home today. The little boy, however, had already planned a play date at a friend’s place, and Yoongi asked me if we could have a bread-making date today since it started raining heavily. I agreed and stayed back, adhering to his plan because a bread-making date somehow sounded a lot more fun than a regular coffee date. And it sure was.

After fixing my hair, I head back to the kitchen to find Yoongi working on a portion of the dough that we made earlier. When he hears me entering the kitchen, his focus shifts to me, and he gives me a warm smile.

“You’re up already?” He asks me as he folds the stretched out dough and plops it into one of the prepared loaf tins.

“Yeah, I thought I slept too long,” I answer him, washing my hands and getting closer to the work table.

“You were asleep for only about an hour.” Yoongi smiles. “Would you like to try folding this portion? I’ll show you how to do it,” he points to one of the two remaining portions of the risen dough.

“Yes, I’d love to try,” I eagerly smile at him and pick up the soft dough ball in my hands.

Yoongi demonstrates how to stretch the dough and fold it in thirds, with the layers neatly overlapping one another. The dough is extremely pliable and super soft, and non sticky as opposed to how sticky it was when we first kneaded it. I do exactly as I’m shown, and Yoongi claps his hands, showing his thumbs up and cheering me while he watches me fold the bread dough just the way he taught me to do it.

“You’re amazing at this,” he encourages me, earning a huge smile from me.

He then covers the three loaves in their respective tins with individual tea towels that are already moistened, setting them aside for the final rise.

Seon-Ho arrives shortly after, and Yoongi asks me to sit by and relax while the two of them go about plating some of the baked goodies and doing the remaining dishes. They’re having a friendly banter, teasing each other and being their happy selves, and it’s such a peaceful sight to watch.

It has been a few weeks since Yoongi and I started going out on regular dates, and I wake up every morning, eagerly looking forward to meeting him and spending time with him. My life feels wholesome, and lately, I’ve been thinking about telling Areum when the time is right.

Initially, I almost jumped up at the thought of telling her that I finally found someone, but I toned my emotions down and chose to wait because I did not want Areum to have any more heartbreaks powered by me in some way. I did not want her to get attached to Yoongi when I was still getting to know him myself.

I also wanted to be sure I found a man who wouldn’t disappear.

Today has indeed been cathartic for my soul, right from meeting healer Lim earlier to being here with Yoongi. Even though it still feels a little early, yet from what I’ve learnt about Yoongi, I can put my foot down and say that he is the kind of man who would pour his heart and soul into a relationship. As for me, I’ve learnt my life lessons the hard way, and I’m a much better person now who can confidently sustain and succeed in a serious committed relationship.

Areum’s graduation is in a week, and, for a while now, she has been asking me to find a companion. I think it will also make her happy if I break the news to her and go along with Yoongi to witness her graduation ceremony. Telling her will also lighten the weight of keeping this matter from her because I’m sure if she pays a little attention, it won’t take her long to figure out I have a clandestine life. Opening up is always better than getting caught.

I’m hopeful that Areum will surely like Yoongi and Ji-Hu and vice versa. I can’t wait to let them meet and interact, and merely imagining their possible future interactions is making me smile and blush.

Right now, my heart feels full—full of love and happiness.

I sit by with a smile, my hand planted under my jaw as I admire the man that made me so strong to blur the rock-solid boundaries that I drew, and break out of all my mental barriers and accept his unconditional love. At the same time, I cannot deny that he has made me so weak for him, but I love it. Absolutely. And it is the only kind of weakness that I willingly want to keep feeling. Forever.

Published on : 12/26/2024