⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺
Like a lonely lover, Waiting by the ocean
I’ll never give up on you.
. ✦ .

Areum

Ever since I came back from Min-Ji’s home yesterday, my mind doesn’t quite feel the same. I mean, not that it always felt calm as a lake within my head. But now it somehow feels like I’m caught up in the middle of a whirlwind.

My trains of thoughts are too many and too chaotic right now. My ideas are clashing with my morals and derailing all my thoughts which isn’t helping me in any way.

Holding my phone in my hand, I stare blankly at my thumb hovering over Jungkook’s phone number. I want to call him but I know he won’t answer anyway. I do want to try, but again I feel it’s pointless knowing what would happen. What I truly want to do is give him his space and wait for him to call me, but I also wish I was as upfront as Ha-Eun to directly confront Jungkook or sleep with him and fix things between us. Sighing in helplessness, I scroll up to Ha-Eun’s contact number and stare at it for a while.

No. I don’t want to talk to anyone now.

Making up my mind in a muddled state, I toss my phone aside and bury my face into my pillow, clutching it tight while preparing to actively step into the mayhem within my head.

Should I go meet Jungkook?

Wouldn’t wanting sex be taking it too far?

Do I actually want it? Hell, NO!

But given that it’s something that could make space for us to meet and talk, why should I not choose it?

“Ugh!” I groan and silence the voices arguing within my head as I roll over and face the ceiling, my hair tossing all over my face, unruly like a bird’s nest.

From somewhere inside my room, Miso lets out a soft and muffled coo, grabbing my attention. Turning my head to the left, I notice her curled up like a small ball near the leg of my desk, her little beady eyes appearing concerned.

Rising from the bed, I go closer and pick her up gently. I sit down on the floor and put Miso on my lap, her fur feeling soft and fluffy against my legs.

“I’m so confused, Miso,” I gently begin petting her as I pour out how I’m feeling.

Miso nuzzles her head more comfortably and looks up at me with a gaze that somehow feels like she empathizes with me. It could just be me, but her presence and her warmth really feels like she understands me and wants to be there for me during this period of mental turmoil.

“What should I do now? Do you want to pick a finger?” I show her two of my fingers, trying to decide what I should label them.

I have a fair idea which finger Miso usually picks, and I’m confused which option I should choose for that finger. Whatever I choose to label my fingers, it would definitely be a biased thing to do knowing she would pick my index finger anyway.

“No. Not this way.” I rake my fingers through my hair, not even attempting to fix it as I throw my head back on the bed that’s behind me.

“We’ll pick chits?” I ask no one in particular while staring at the ceiling, and then I snap my head forward. “Yeah. Better that way.” I agree, putting Miso back on the floor and hurrying to grab a piece of paper and a pen.

Quickly scribbling down ‘Ha-Eun’ and ‘Areum’ on two pieces of paper, implicitly denoting the options we both came up with, I fold each of the two pieces in fours, jumble them up in my hands and toss them on the floor. For a few seconds, Miso and I stare at the two folded pieces of paper that lay between us.

Exhaling, I eye the chits, trying to identify which one says what while simultaneously trying not to be biased. My thoughts are conflicting and contradictory and I don’t even know what I want to see in the paper that’s picked up.

“Miso, pick one.” I gently nudge the papers towards Miso.

At first, she backs away one step, slightly startled. But then she observes the chits closely before getting closer to sniff them both and then gently pawing and pushing the one on my left.

“Okay.” I quickly pick up the folded piece of paper and position her comfortably on my lap.

Now that her job is done, I put a few pieces of kibbles on my palm and reward her for her help. Miso promptly guzzles them, picking up the little pellets of her snack from my palm and licking them up with her tiny tongue.

“Good girl.” I laugh softly, ruffling the fur at the back of her head before I turn back to the selected piece of paper that’s crumpled up in my left hand.

“Okay… let’s see what we got. Here goes nothing.” I whisper, holding up the paper and squeezing my eyes shut.

Ha-Eun, please. Ha-Eun, please.

No! No!

I’ll accept whatever it says. Yes.

Read the damned thing now!

With my eyes closed, I unfold the paper, feeling my hands growing cold and trembling. My heartbeats accelerate, and by the time I open my eyes, I have a borderline panic attack complete with sweating, hyperventilation and palpitations.

The selected paper reads ‘Ha-Eun’, upside down, and my facial muscles instantly go lax; my shoulders slump. I hold it straight and read the name once again.

Was this what I wanted to see?

Clearly.

But why?

My mouth hangs open, and I have no idea how to feel now. I was clearly wishing for this option and arguing within my head at the same time just moments ago, but now that this is what I’ve got, how do I act upon it?

Shit!

Perspiration collects along my hairline, and I feel all jittery and weird when a shudder runs through my spine. I crush the paper up and take a few deep breaths to calm myself down.

What to do now?

I mean, I could bail out and pretend like nothing happened. Jungkook would contact me sometime if he even feels like it. I could just go about my life and wait for university to begin. So what’s the big deal really?

Nothing is, except that everything really feels like a big deal. I don’t want to let him go like that, and, most importantly, I don’t want to be left without answers. I hate that. Even though Ha-Eun’s option isn’t something I’m sure I’m ready for yet, I must do something about it and make a move to see what’s up with him.

Maybe talking to Ha-Eun herself will sort this situation out for me. It takes me just a few seconds to make up my mind by which time I grab my phone and type out a text to Ha-Eun.

Me:
Eonni, I want to talk to you.

Ha-Eun:
Come over. I’m alone at home.

Her quick reply is motivating, and the fact that she’s alone is even better because I’d not have to worry about handling Min-Ji. Changing out of my shorts into a pair of jeans, I check my appearance once in the mirror and roughly comb my hair with my fingers before I pick up Miso, my phone and some cash and step out of my room.

As I put Miso down and walk towards the kitchen where my mother is finishing up the last few dishes, I begin feeling a little queasy. I wonder how many more lies I would have to tell her before I get caught and before it all qualifies as multiple sins.

“Uhm- eomma… I’m going over to Min-Ji’s.” Despite my poor attempts at telling myself to behave normally, my voice sounds creaky and feeble, weighed down with internal guilt and low-key fear as well.

“Oh…” My mother turns off the tap and casts me a look that seems like she knows something’s up with me. It makes me go stiff. “Didn’t you tell me that Min-Ji and her parents are meeting her tutor today?” She shakes out the moisture from her hands and dries them on a tea towel, all the while keeping her stern gaze glued to me.

Shit! How did that slip my mind?

“Uh- no. I mean, yeah. She’s back home now.” I place another poor lie atop the already wobbly and crumbling pile, feeling like all my lies are about to topple down like a house of cards.

“Already?” My mother’s eyebrows come together in doubt, and it clearly tells me that I’m about to get caught. She has picked up my lies like the radar.

My mind scrambles around, trying to propel myself into defense mode and save me from any kind of scolding or punishments which she rarely ever gives me.

“Eomma,” I roll my eyes, repeatedly tapping my feet in a nervous gesture and trying to come up with something witty. “Can you not ask me every detail now? For Heaven’s sake, I’m an adult and I want to go out to meet my friends. I don’t want you to drop me.” Although I’m not entirely sure I said what I wanted to, I still put on a poker face and try to play it cool.

While literally shivering to death on the inside.

“Adult?” My mother chuckles, shaking her head as she puts aside the tea towel. “Okay then. I won’t drop you. But it’s not good to lie.” She states casually without looking at me. She’s busy closing up the windows and making sure the stove is turned off.

But I feel called out. The mention of ‘lie’ somehow triggers me, and I click my tongue, bringing her eyes back on me.

“Eomma, STOP!” I explode, against my better judgment. “Everyone lies, okay? It’s not just me. Have you never lied before? Why do you make such a big issue out of this?” I raise my voice, and it makes my mother frown.

But it somehow makes me feel powerful. I know I’ve thrown a bait she can’t miss. I’m winning this.

“I’ve never lied to you.” She answers back even more calmly and confidently, which is in total contrast to what I was expecting and how I’m reacting, and I don’t like it one bit.

“Oh, yeah? Well then I don’t want to be like you. I don’t want anything in my life to ever be like yours, eomma! I just don’t want to be like you!” I yell, stomping my foot and breathing heavily.

Mother’s eyes go wide, and she looks shocked; her face grows red and I can see her clenching her fingers.

“What was that, Areum?” My mother questions me, her voice feeble and quiet.

“Yeah, I don’t want to be like you. I don’t want to end up sad and single, doing everything to lose a man yet doing nothing to keep him. It’s all because of you! I swear I’ll never be like you.” My words explode between us, leaving a deafening silence behind.

My mother says nothing. She looks shaken up, but I can’t be more bothered now because my tears are already out, and I hate feeling the way I am feeling right now.

“I only wanted to go and meet a friend, and if you’re not okay with it, I don’t really care anymore. I’m not going to just stay back home. If you can’t take the truth, then I will lie, and I am going to go out now anyway.” I fire at her amidst my tears, my voice shaking even though I’m taking her silence as my victory.

Wiping away my tears, I grab my coat and rush out the front door without another word, slamming the door shut behind me.

Tears stream down my face as I run to the bus stop, and then my tears as well as my steps slow down when I grow a little conscious of my surroundings. Drawing attention towards myself is the last thing I want to do now because I don’t have the energy for dealing with people or their concerns at the moment. I just need to be on my own for a while until I’m calm enough to meet Ha-Eun.

Me:
omw

Once I send her the message, I lock my phone and stuff it into the pocket of my coat. Wiping away the last of my tears and sniffing back the remaining, I take a deep breath before sitting down at the bus stop. Today of all days, the bus that would take me to Min-Ji’s house seems to take an eternity to arrive. However, when it does arrive, I hop on and don’t even bother to glance around to see if my mother followed me to the bus stop, worried about me.

A few seconds later, it’s too late to look anyway because the bus is already on its way, zooming past the lines of cars towards my destination.

My heart races in anticipation, and I pull up numerous other things to think about just so I could keep my mind away from the disaster that unfolded at home. Distractions like fiddling with my phone and staring out of the window are not helping keep the troubled thoughts at bay for more than a few seconds.

Did I overreact?

Gosh! I most definitely did. Mom has no one but me.

No, no! She has Yoongi now. Why else did she not stop me when I ran out?

She doesn’t really care anymore, and, above all, who even likes it when others tell the dirty truths about you on your face?

Right. No one does. I didn’t lie to her though. I told her the truth about her. I told her how I feel. I even told her where I’m going. I didn’t lie. I didn’t do anything wrong.

She was hurt to hear the truth that she did nothing to keep my dad.

The voices within my head give me a borderline headache when the bus finally grinds to a halt at Min-Ji’s stop. I climb out, feeling extremely nervous and unsure, yet, I somehow manage to drag my feet over to her home. Ha-Eun opens the door for me, dressed in a pair of shorts and a T-shirt that’s modest and simple.

“Hey, Areum! Come on in!” She greets me with a warm and bright smile, wrapping an arm around my shoulder and ushering me inside.

Once the door closes behind us, I slump on the sofa like a starfish, and she sits down facing me; her legs folded beneath her.

“You okay? You look like you’ve just had a truck run over you.” Her observant eyes don’t miss my red-rimmed eyes.

However, I’m not keen on giving her a full account of what happened before that breakdown of mine. I only give her a tired smile and sit up straight in my seat.

“I’ve made a choice.” My voice is meek.

“Mhm?” She raises a brow, leaning back casually.

“I- I’m going to go and see Jungkook today.” I say, not sounding entirely sincere to myself, lowering my eyes and my voice, feeling my cheeks growing hot already.

“Wise choice, Areum.” Her words of praise make me feel a little confident that I’ve probably made the right choice. I lift my gaze to look at her. “Let’s go upstairs for a bit and get you dressed.” She offers kindly, and I follow her without protest.

Ha-Eun leads me to her room and slides open the door of her wardrobe, waving her arm in a dramatic flourish towards her display of clothes. Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes briefly, trying to erase the weight of the reality that this morning’s argument with my mother holds. I must go tend to it, but not right now because I really do have bigger fish to fry at the moment.

Opening my eyes, I nod lightly at her and take a hesitant step forward while telling myself to stop doubting situations and people. Ha-Eun is only trying to help me.

I trust her, and she trusts my choice. This will not go wrong.

Published on : 01/05/2025