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A hug is two hearts wrapped in arms.
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Jang-Mi

The one thing that I lack the most?

I don’t have any trouble filling out the answer to this particular question in the questionnaire that I was handed over a while ago.

Forgiveness. That is what I lack the most.

It’s true. I do accept things that get thrown my way and steer on. But I am not forgiving, which causes me to hold onto negative feelings, residual anger, and unhealthy thoughts. Most of these thoughts are directed inward. I am aware that I need to work on that, and it is about time I did.

The woman across the table takes the filled-in questionnaire from me with a kind smile after I flip it over to her. She then puts it away inside a file and lifts her gaze to meet mine.

“What made you choose us instead of regular therapy?” Healer Lim leans forward from her seat and looks up at me with big, expectant eyes; her large, round glasses sliding slowly down the bridge of her nose.

“I wanted to try something different.” I keep my answer short, giving her a small smile to fill the silence that follows my answer.

“You did the right thing, Mi,” she pipes up, righting her posture and fixing her oversized kaftan top around her waist. “You’ll heal from every wound and feel like a new person with just a little help from us,” she grins as she yanks open a drawer and pulls out a flyer from inside it.

Adjusting her glasses slightly, she skims through the flyer once and hands it to me with a big smile.

But before I can see what it says, she begins talking, “We’re having a special session tomorrow with a selected bunch of our clients. You should definitely join in. It’s going to do miracles,” she explains with exaggerated hand movements while trying to cajole me for some session that’s happening tomorrow.

I feel like scoffing at that because it has been ages since I lost my belief in miracles. They’re plain lies. Nothing but just mirages.

“What session is it?” I ask her nonchalantly as I tuck the flyer into my purse.

“That’s a surprise,” she answers, smiling as she wags her index finger mischievously.

“Oh,” is all that manages to sound past my throat in an unadventurous tone.

Whatever this session is. I don’t think it would do anything at all for me, but I could still give it a try. Because it’s free, and also because Areum is staying with her father this week, and my daycare center is also closed down.

I have nothing better to do, and I could attend this session than lie around and propel myself into an overthinking spiral. Everything that I think about is beyond my control anyway.

“Alright,” I breathe out, “so it’s at 10 am?” My question is answered with an animated nod of her head as we both rise from our seats.

I leave the place after assuring her that I will be here for the session tomorrow.

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I couldn’t decide what to wear for this mysterious and apparently miracle-making session that has been planned for today. So, I settled with wearing my usual go-to clothes—a pair of trousers, a top, and a long cardigan.

There are exactly twelve people in the room, excluding me, and there are both men and women in the group. Fourteen plastic chairs are arranged in a circular pattern around the room, but there are only thirteen occupied chairs, and there’s something about an odd number of people in a countable crowd that always gives me an unsettling feeling.

Sandwiched between two women seated opposite me is an empty chair, and I’m hoping someone would come in and sit there to satisfy the little old obsessive-compulsive woman within me.

As I clutch my purse tighter on my lap and scan the group with my eyes, I notice that no one is even looking at the others in the room. Everyone has their heads dipped into their phones, and their thumbs seem to be working mindlessly pushing on the screen.

The room that we are seated in has baby-blue colored walls, light wooden flooring, is air-conditioned, and is illuminated by bright LED lights. Even though there are numerous windows on the walls, all the windows have been covered by blackout blinds, completely blocking off natural lighting from entering the room. Without a spot of outside air or light, it would surely get suffocating after a while, but for now, it feels okay.

I sigh deeply and lean back in my chair, feeling a little bored already. Pulling up the sleeve of my cardigan, I notice that it’s almost 10 am, and about time the session begins.

In a few seconds, the door to the room swings open again, and a man with a round face and extremely pale skin steps in. He bows to the people in the room, pressing his lips into a thin line of apology.

Everyone just gives him a brief glance, but no one bothers to react in any way as they’re all too immersed in their phones. But since I’m not looking at my phone, I observe him as he walks over to that empty chair and sits down in it while being cautious not to brush his limbs with the women on his sides.

A breath of relief leaves me because the headcount in the room rounds up to an even number now when all the chairs are occupied.

Shortly after, healer Lim enters the room, dressed in loud colors as always. Her smile is radiant, and her lipstick is even more radiant as she steps into the center of the circle of chairs with her hands clasped in front of her chest.

“Morning, lovely humans! I’m so happy that everyone could make it here right on time,” she speaks with a smile as she slowly turns around to look at each one of us in the crowd.

Honestly, people like her make me wonder how someone can even pretend to appear so happy all the time.

Does she ever feel upset, sad, or mad? Does she ever stop smiling? Is she truly happy, or is she a pro at faking it?

“Does anyone know what today’s session is about?” Her voice interrupts my scattered thoughts, and a low murmur of voices begins to grow slowly among the crowd.

The healer smiles big once again and nods slowly in response to the incoherent sounds around her.

“Can everyone please stand up from your seats and move your chairs as far back as possible?” She requests us, and everyone obeys by doing what she asks of us.

We all protectively stand by our chairs as if someone would rob us of it if we stepped away. The sight and thought bring a small smile to my face. No matter how old we grow, there’s always a little childishness hiding within everyone. It’s just that we give it different names as we grow older and try to steer clear of being called immature. In reality, being an adult isn’t about not being a child anymore; it is about acknowledging and embracing that inner child, and more people need to realize that.

“Now, I believe everyone is ready,” she asks us, but she doesn’t wait for an answer to continue talking. “Healing is a very hard and rough journey, as we all know, and there are many ways to derive comfort in the process. One form of healing that truly holds superpowers is the human touch. A simple touch such as a pat on the shoulder, a simple rub on the knee, or a soft holding of hands can make anyone feel so protected and cared for. It’s undebated how powerful the human touch is, and at most times, a heartfelt warm hold is all that someone needs,” she orchestrates her words with animated hand gestures as she talks in a soft manner.

Everyone is listening to her with rapt attention, still standing beside our respective chairs. Most of us have our arms crossed under our chests, and some have their arms behind their backs, but all eyes are on the healer in the center.

“Everyone, kindly take a step forward,” she flicks her wrists a little, and everyone follows what she says.

“Today, we are going to have a one-of-a-kind healing therapy known as hug therapy.” Her words are followed by a soft rustle of voices from the small sea of humans around her.

Her evergreen smile shows up once again as she nods in understanding.
“Did you know that a 20-second-long hug can release oxytocin in the human body that is enough to keep you feeling happy for a whole day?” A series of gasps follow her words, and, by now, everyone seems to have figured out what is about to happen next.

All eyes keep moving around the room to pick the most huggable person in the crowd, and now it makes sense why there is an even number of attendees for today’s session. She obviously doesn’t want a threesome hug or something. A soft and squishy-looking woman to my right looks the most huggable in this crowd because, to me, a comforting hug should be one where my body embraces softness and not poky ribs.

“So, today, we’re going to be doing just that,” the healer interrupts again, “but don’t worry about feeling awkward or anything since you’re surrounded by strangers. We will turn off the lights in the room. And each one will saunter in the dark and find a person to hug within half a minute. Once you do, hug them close,” she moves her arms, gesturing as if hugging an invisible person, and everyone agrees, nodding.

“Allow yourself to relax fully, and hold them close for two minutes. Don’t worry, we will announce these timing breaks, and you don’t have to bother counting the seconds or anything. Just hug a person and hold them comfortingly. Remember that everyone is here for healing, and your hold will not only help you feel warm and comforted, but it is also going to help another person. And honestly, who could say no to free hugs?” Her eyebrows cheekily wiggle up and down, earning a round of soft laughter from everyone in the crowd.

“So, let’s begin now without much ado,” she steps out of the room, and before I can devise a plan to rush into the arms of the woman next to me, the lights go off without any notice.

The room plummets into pitch darkness, and all I can hear now is the rustling of clothes and shoes around me. I turn my head to the right and flap my arms as I drag my feet a little, but the cuddly woman isn’t there.

Oh no!

My arms are outstretched as I keep dragging my feet along, hoping to hold on to someone, and that is when I feel another pair of fingers brushing against my fingertips. The hands of that person gently take hold of mine and tug me forward.

I timidly place my hands on the person’s shoulders, and even though the surroundings are entirely dark and my field of vision is nothing but blackness, I can still tell from the musculature that it’s a man. My breathing grows a little heavy when the man slowly brings us closer, by which time a timer begins to chime in the background, counting down from 5.

Once the counting ends, the man gently wraps his arms around me and holds me close to him. My body tightens because it really feels like a hundred years since I’ve been hugged like this, and the truth is that I haven’t ever hugged any man except Taehyung.

My thoughts don’t even last for a flash of a second as the man’s hands settle on the small of my back. I instinctively curl up to his chest, allowing my hands to slide down from his shoulders and around his slender waist to his back. I hug him back as warmly as possible, and the moment I do, I feel my entire body going limp and soft in his hold.

His scent is soft yet masculine, and his warm breath caresses my forehead, causing my eyelids to fall shut when all the rustling sounds in the room settle down to pin-drop silence. And then I hear his calm heartbeats resounding in my ear. His chest is rising and falling at a steady and smooth pace, and my breathing slowly falls in sync with his.

Strangely, it feels so relaxing even though it has been only a few seconds. Never did I imagine that something like this would silence my thoughts and make me feel completely at peace like I do now.

I find it a little unbelievable that I haven’t received something as simple as a warm and reassuring hug like this from an adult in so many years. And I don’t even realize that as comforting as it is, the feeling is also so overwhelming that tears start to build up in my eyes.

My grip on the man tightens when my tears begin to drip out and soak into his shirt. Soft whimpers fall from my lips, and I squeeze my eyes shut tighter, hoping to get my emotions under control. His shirt grows wetter, and he must have definitely realized that I’m crying, but it doesn’t make him react adversely. Neither does his heart pick up pace, nor does his breathing pattern change. Instead, his hands on my back begin to move slowly up and down in soothing strokes, trying to pacify me and calm me down.

If anything, his gentle gesture only makes my tears flow faster because this is precisely what I’ve been longing for all these years. I didn’t need to hear any shallow words or get a fake sense of being loved. All I needed was something as simple and comforting as this, unconditionally, just to let me know that it is okay to be myself and feel the way I’m feeling, even though the man who has me in his arms now knows nothing about me or the way I’m feeling right now. Neither do I know anything about him, but I think it’s safe to say that he is a kind person.

My whimpers die down with his tender and calming strokes, and I keep my head against his chest, our bodies still entangled in a hug, and my eyes refusing to open up.

And just like how all good things come to an end, the timer begins to count down in the background, from 5 to 1 once again.

Rustling sounds begin to fill up the atmosphere in the room, but the man who is holding me is unwilling to let go until the timer announces zero. His arms slowly slide away from my body, and I do the same, a little hesitantly.

This surprises me because I actually feel like being in his arms for longer.

Way longer.

The lights aren’t yet turned on so that we can all move away from one another to maintain anonymity. But will I be getting ahead of myself if I feel that I don’t need this anonymity?

It’s a little late for that thought to be processed now because I’ve taken a few steps back already and moved closer to a chair. The lights come to life, momentarily blinding us all. Once my vision gets better, I take a seat and settle down in it, just like the others in the room.

I look around from person to person, trying to see who it could be, and it’s a good thing that there are only five men in the gathering.

And the only one who has a wet spot on his shirt, just above his heart, is sitting directly opposite to me. It’s the pale man who entered the room last, and my eyes are transfixed on him. However, he isn’t looking at me or anyone else in the room.

Through the next few minutes, each one individually has a brief word with healer Lim and leaves the room quietly. I decide to linger around and delay my exit, hoping for some kind of interaction or at least an eye contact to happen. But there’s no room to even gather my thoughts in one place because everything happens too quickly and the man in focus is among the first few to leave.

Published on : 12/06/2024