I felt numb.

Like nothing.

The pain that came with the death of my mother was too strong for me to feel it.

Whatever I felt went numb.

I had lost her once and now I had lost her again.

And this time she wasn't coming back.

Except I didn't hog all the pain.

I knew Jace lost his mother too.

And I knew Alec felt guilty about it.

I just didn't realize how much, until I was standing in the door frame of the roof of the Institute, stopping at the sound of Alec's shouting.

"Stop pretending this never happened!" Alec's shout echoed at Jace, holding onto his bow and arrow.

"I couldn't save you from Valentine." Alec's voice sounded broken when it came down from a shout, "I couldn't save you from the City of Bones-"

"And now- now, I- she's Zee's mother." Alec's voice shook, "I took my best friend's mother away from her- she already lost her mother once- and now again- because of me-"

Jace swallows, "Nobody blames you-"

"They should." Alec ended the conversation by leaping off the roof and running off.

-

I stood where my dead mother laid, tears burning in my eyes as I ran a hand through her hair repeatedly, staring at her lying still.

I regretted so much.

I should've been there.

"Hey." Jace's voice filled my ears, making me look up, "You okay?"

"I don't know." I stare at him, "Do I look okay?"

Jace sighs a little and walks over to me, standing across from me, on my mother's other side, "Fair enough."

"I don't know why- but, all I feel right now- is anger- and regret." I looked away, "Not a drop of sadness-"

"Zee, it's okay to grieve-" Jace slowly walks around and came to my side, "Especially now-"

"I was raised to channel every emotion to anger or not feel at all." I looked back at him, "I regret it all- I'm angry- about it all."

Jace stays silent.

"I should've spent more time with her when she got back- when she made her way back to me." Part of me was blaming myself as I looked away from him, "Instead I was running around with Clary and was trying to save the woman that tried to kill you."

"Zee-" Jace places a hand on my back, making chills run up my spine, "It's not your fault."

I stayed silent for a moment, before sighing, "I'm- sorry, she was your mom too- how are you? Are you okay?"

"I don't know." Jace swallowed hard, "I thought I'd be able to get to know her more- since she disappeared-"

"And she'd get more time to know me as more than just an experiment gone wrong." Jace quietly added, "I- I just figured we'd get more time."

-

"What are you doing?" I walked in later that day to see Clary standing next to my mother, cutting a piece of her hair off, holding a strand from before.

"Zee-" Clary jumped up, looking at me with wide eyes, "I- nothing-"

"Clary." I stepped closer to her, staring at her with a hard look, "Why are you cutting her hair? What- what is it for-"

"I went to see a warlock in Park Slope-" Clary began but quickly walked over to me and grabbed my arms lightly, "Her name's Iris Rouse and she-"

I closed my eyes, "Please, please tell me you're not thinking about doing what I think-"

"I can bring them back, Zee, I can bring them both back-" Clary tried to persuade me, "I promise-"

I shook my head, "No, you can't-"

"She wasn't supposed to die, Zee- neither should've your mother-" Clary argued back, stammering, "It was a mistake- a freak demon attack- I- I want more time with her- and I know you want time with Margaret."

"Of course I do, I want that more than anything-" I stare at her helpless, "But- you never know what you're gonna get back- there are always risks, if you try this- you could very well conjure a demon in Jocelyn's or my mom's form, and-"

"You said could." Clary pointed out, "They could also come back the same, right?"

"Clary, I've been here longer than you have- so much longer. I know how everything works." I sighed deeply, "Trust me- you don't bring people back from the dead."

-

There was a small knock on my door as I sat on my bed, small tears in my eyes as I stared at a photo of my mother.

I looked up at the sound, Alec slowly stepping inside, "Hey-"

My eyes fell onto him, a weak smile forming onto my lips at the sight of my best friend, sniffling lightly, "I was wondering when you'd come around."

"Zee, I am so sorry." Alec got straight to the point as if he wouldn't be able to if he didn't now, "I would do anything, I mean anything, to take back those 30 seconds- to get your mom back."

I set the photo down and slowly got up, the tears in my eyes burning, "I don't blame you, Alec."

Regardless, I saw the pain in his eyes.

The regret.

The guilt.

"Come here-" A tear fell from my eye when I held my arms out, Alec striding over to me, engulfing me into a tight hug, as if it had been ages.

Then, Clary walked into the room slowly, having overheard the conversation, "Alec, maybe we can get her back."

Alec looked back at her from hugging me, "What?"

Clary quickly said, "I found a warlock who claims she can do it- I tried convincing Zee earlier- she wouldn't let me- because they're risks-"

"Clary-" I pulled away from Alec, "I said no-"

Alec looks at me, "I'll go with you."

I looked at him, "Alec-"

"Zee, if there's any chance that we can get your mother back, we have to take it." Alec was blinded by his guilt, "No matter what happens, I'll be there."

"Okay." Clary swallowed hard, "Let's do it."

-

"Are you here to see Dr. Rouse?" The unfamiliar woman questioned when we stood at the door.

"Yes." Clary stutters, "Um, I- I think she's expecting me- my name's Clary-"

"I was indeed expecting you." The woman we asked for came into sight, "I only wondered when. Please, call me Iris."

"And I see you brought guests." Then she looked between Alec and I, "Your boyfriend?"

"What?" I blinked, while Alec lightly shook his head, still towering over me in protection, "No-"

"Well, whoever and whatever you two are, leave your weapons outside." She kept looking between us, making he and I exchange glances, "Any warlock worth a damn can see through Shadowhunter glamour with ease."

"Oh, don't worry." She noticed the looks on our faces, "It'll be safe in the alcove."

Alec huffs when we step in, Alec setting his bow and quiver down as I place my kindjals next to them.

Iris towards Clary, "Sorry, did you bring your mother's-"

"Uh, her hair- yes." Clary nodded, "I brought- two- my sister's mother's- I want to bring her back too."

"Yes- perfect." Iris nodded then looked at me, assuming I was the sister, "Did you tell her about the deal? If so, I could get you guys started on the paperwork-"

I looked at her, "What- deal?"

"Uh, paperwork?" Alec said after me.

"Yeah, just a simple pin prick to draw blood for the oath." Iris nodded, "For the favor we talked about."

"Well, I- I don't know about any favor." Alec stares at her, cautious about letting me agree to this.

"Oh, that was the deal we made." Iris mentioned to us, "And if she's going to bring her mother back as well- I'm going to need her to do the same-"

I huff, "It's fine, Alec-"

"Delightful, follow me- once you're done, I'll get your sister-" Iris waves for me to come, "Your friend can wait here for you in the waiting room."

Before I could take a step, Alec had stopped me from going, "No, I'm not leaving her side."

"Oh, then I can't do this." Iris shook her head, "His energy is too turbulent- I need calm, and he is not calm."

"Okay, I'm gonna need to see some credentials." Alec's voice was stern, "Show me your warlock mark."

Iris' snapped back, "Dear, if a lady has concealed her mark, assume it's for good reason."

"Alec, it's okay." I assured him, "It'll be okay."

"Wonderful." Iris was delighted once more, waving for me to follow her as she made her way up the stairs, my hesitancy showing as I slowly followed her.

-

When I was in the room to conduct whatever was about to happen, Iris had served me some tea, as I was seated on her couch.

The deal was a simple favor for whenever she needed me, and it was signed as a blood oath.

"Place your mother's lock of hair on the table, please." Iris instructed, standing on the other side of the table, across from me.

I did what I was told, setting it on the table, her voice filling my ears again, "Now, I need you to focus as intensely as you can on a cherished memory of your mother- can you do that?"

I swallow hard, "Yeah."

"That will help repel any demons that dare come near her soul." Iris informs me when I closed my eyes, thinking of the memory with my mother, feeling only pain that she was gone, "There you go, Zee-"

"Good girl-" Iris' began speaking out her spells, lNow, let the process begin."

Then, there was a loud tapping against the window, breaking me away, my eyes opening at the sound, noticing a crow, cawing and hitting itself against the window, trying to get through it.

"Focus on your mother, Zee." Iris noticed how I broke focus, but continued her magic and spells.

The sound of glass shattering filled the room when the bird breaks through, the crow flying around the room with many shrieks, surrounding Iris.

Iris doesn't break focus, as she grabs the crow and snaps its neck as simple as that.

But, I knew that bird wasn't just any normal bird.

"Stop-" I got up and grabbed the piece of my mother's hair, "No-"

Iris broke and huffs, "Just because one bird came back badly doesn't mean-"

"Well, I'm not as willing to take that chance as my sister is." I shot back at her and walked to the door, "Sorry, I wasted your time-"

"You didn't waste my time." Iris laughed lightly st my words, "You still owe me a favor."

"The deal's off-" I turned back, "You didn't bring her back to life, so you don't have a favor."

"No, it's not-" Iris shut me up fairly quickly, "You took a blood oath."

"Fine-" I roll my eyes, "Call me when you need me."

When I turned and reached for the door, her voice stops me again, "I need you now."

I huffed and turned, "What do you want?"

"You are going to host one of my finest creations." Iris folds her hands together.

"Host?" I repeat her words in slight confusion, "What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about having a baby, Zee." Iris stepped closer, a pleased smile on her lips, "A baby warlock."

"Oh, hell no-" I turned to make a run for it but I couldn't move any farther than where I already was, my hands pounding against something I couldn't see, "Let me out!"

Iris stepped closer to me, beginning to explain, "Warlocks are a dying breed, and I need young women like you, healthy and fertile, that my own private demon can impregnate."

"Impregnate?" I faced her, trying to get out of what I was trapped in, "You can't be serious-"

"Oh, I wish there was another way to do it." Iris said, "I do- but, now, with Valentine threatening to wipe us all out, we need to build our numbers."

"I'm a Shadowhunter." I reminded her immediately, "A demon can't get me-"

"Pregnant?" Iris finishes my sentence, "I think I finally discovered an elixir that makes it possible."

Realization filled my mind, looking at the table, then at her, "You spiked the tea-"

"Imagine a baby warlock, part demon, part Shadowhunter." She thought out loud, pleased, "Now, that would be something- definitely harder to drive into extinction."

"I told you, to let me the hell out-" I punched the barrier that held me, but there was no use.

"The good news is, after the baby's born, I'll do a memory wipe." Iris smiled at me, "You'll be back home, none the wiser."

-

I felt cold, my vision blurry when I came to.

I blinked a few times to adjust my vision, my body sore as I had woken up on a hard ground, slowly sitting up.

I jumped up when I realized I was locked up, beginning to bang on the door, "Alec!"

"Alec!-" I shouted his name again, trying to find a way out, all my movements stopping when the sound of something opening.

A tile in the wall lifted, a demon entering my cell, the tile slamming back shut, locking me completely in with it.

I immediately backed into the corner, not having any weapons on me beside a stele.

And there wasn't much I could do with a stele against a demon.

I held the stele tightly as the demon growled and snarled, making it's way toward me.

Then, a wave of dizziness surrounded me, some sort of gold rune shining right in front of me, making me fall confused.

But, I had no other options.

I drew the rune onto my palm, pushing it towards the demon, the demon shrieking when a shot of sunlight erupts from my palm and landing on it, it burning away into nothing.

Suddenly, I noticed Jace, who was panting, staring at me, "What the hell was that?-"

"I- I don't know." I stammered in shock, slowly walking over to him, "I- I saw this vision of a rune- I had nothing else I could do- so, I drew it-"

"You just shot sunlight out of your hand-" Jace grabbed the hand that shot sunlight, "I knew you had a strong skill set, but- that was amazing."

I laughed nervously, his fingertips touching my palm, "Where's the rune?"

I looked down at my palm, "I don't know- it- it was just there-"

Jace held my hand between both of his, "Look, whatever just happened, let's keep this to ourselves."

"I- from Alec and Izzy?-" I began to say.

Speaking of the devils, Alec, Isabelle and Clary ran in, Alec sighing in relief, "There you are-"

Clary began, "I'm so sorry-"

Isabelle looks at me, "Are you okay?-"

I looked from Jace, swallowing hard, then at them, "Yeah- I'm fine."

authors note:

awh, i feel like this was pretty short

and this was a very sucky chapter omllll

and I'm a month late on updating, ahhh

but, thank you for 6k !

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