After so many years without really being there, regaining his memory made Bucky desperate to spend every second he had with the love of his life.

Steve Rogers.

No matter how many times he said it in his head, he couldn't get over it. His name was just so beautiful and so perfect. Just like the man himself.

Yet everyday he was scared. He lived a life afraid of his own shadow, still in fear that his mind wasn't stable, that he couldn't be trusted around people or in public. He didn't want to hurt Steve, and he certainly didn't want to put him in harms way. He knew he was dangerous and couldn't be trusted with his own strength, especially when left alone with his thoughts— but really, they weren't even his. They belonged to Hydra and that dirty blood still flowed uncontrollably through his veins despite his efforts.

A simple touch on his metal arm in the wrong spot at the wrong time could send him over the edge. His last mission - kill Captain America - is still incomplete. A small trip up could force him to complete it. Any little thing could push him back into being that relentless assassin who would kill anything in his way. The entire time, all 50 years across dozens of missions, he only ever had three goals. 

Infiltrate.

Assassinate.

Destabilize.

If he was pushed too far, even just by a little bit, he could do something he would regret for the rest of his life. He didn't want to kill the only person he cared about. The only person who really knew him. He loves Steve  more than he loves himself and he doesn't want to get in the way of his own ambitions.

Sometimes he wonders if leaving Steve behind would be the only way to truly keep him safe.

A black blanket with little holes woven in its infrastructure enveloped the Earth all throughout the night. In the wee hours of the morning, a traveling lantern broke through and made a gaping hole causing bands of color to leak across the fabric of the atmosphere and fill the little white flecks with orange, red and yellow dyes. Bucky woke to see tufts of cotton fluffed up and spilling white streaks of paint across the blue-magenta canvas. He was laying on his left side facing the giant window gazing up at the beautiful mosaic of colors in the sunrise from Stark Towers.

It had been about a month since Bucky had begun to remember his old friend. Each day was a journey to remember more and more about their lives in the 1940s before he was captured by Hydra. Now, they were always together- they even shared a room.

He turned around to an even more beautiful sight... at least, in his eyes. Glowing skin spotted with light brown freckles and beauty marks, golden blonde hair laying ever-so perfectly across his forehead. Bare chest and muscle bound arms rested above the sheets, his lush, pink lips surrounded by strawberry-blonde beard hair hung slightly open and showed his pearly white teeth. Eyes closed, for he was in a deep sleep, and his thick, long eyelashes hung low on his eyelids.

What a sight to wake up to.

Steve was still in a heavy sleep, breathing hotly as a small smile crept onto his face. He was still dreaming. Bucky couldn't help but smile back.

"Morning beautiful" Bucky whispered as Steve stirred out of his sleep. He gently ran his cool, metal fingertips across Steve's bearded jawline. Deep blue eyes slowly opened and his smile widened.

"G'mornin' Buck" Steve licked his lips anticipating Bucky's movements.

Still half asleep, the kiss he had leaned into was groggy yet surprisingly warm. Bucky inched away but Steve took the side of his neck in his massive hands and pulled him in for another.

A look of fear ran across Bucky's face for a second and, he tried to hide it behind a smile but Steve noticed right away. "Bucky— you okay, pal?"

"Uhmm... yeah. It's— ugh, yea I'm fine"

"Bucky c'mon. You know you can tell me anything. I'm here for you." He was unexpectedly considerate and gentle considering that he was asleep but a moment ago.

"It's just that— I'm... scared" he whispered.

"Of what? I mean, you're a Super Soldier... there's not much you can't handle"

"Except myself. That's the problem, Steve. I nearly killed you once, I don't wanna put you in danger like that again... I wouldn't be able to bear it." Those words were spit out harshly. Bucky was extremely frustrated with himself to the point of not knowing what to do with himself anymore.

Steve made a clicking noise with his tongue, "Buck. You know I. An fend for myself. And besides... I trust you, more than anyone else in the whole galaxy. I trust that you would never—"

"That's the problem, Steve! I would never, you're right. But what if I get confused again, huh? What if I forget you..."

"You can't think like that, Bucky."

"Please. I'm just afraid that you'll— that you'll want to leave me. Because I'm dangerous, Steve. I don't want to do something I might regret. That's why, even though I need you here to keep my mind off the edge, it might be best if you were to just—"

"Stop. If I wanted to go, I would have gone by now. I... I just can't be without you. I'd miss you too much if I were to leave." And Steve really was telling the truth. He knew he would miss Bucky. His smile. His hair. His voice. The way he laughed when they were alone. Even his metal arm. He knew Bucky was the only one left with whom he shared life experiences. They fit together like a lock and key and Steve wasn't about to just let that go.

"Now then," he started, "c'mere and kiss me." Steve pulled him in. It was hot and wet and unexpectedly slow but needy.

Bucky pulled away, "mmm Steve— wait."

"Uggh Buckyyyy-" he whispers as they gradually come together again and Steve's hand slowly trails down to Bucky's chest.

"Steve!"

"W-what? Bucky. What's going on?" He paused. "Every time I kiss you like this or get close to you—"

"I'm scared, Steve"

"Buck, I'm here for you. We've got each other's backs. I promised that I would always be there for you, and I will... 'till the end of the line"

"I know, I know. I'm just... I'm now sure about something. It's like if I get close to you... it won't be how I remember it. I feel like I'm picturing us as something so surreal that it's almost unrealistic and completely of my own fabrication. I don't want that, Steve. I really don't"

"What do you want, then, Bucky?"

Bucky's lips parted and his eyes lingered downward. He lightly bit his lower lip as he took in all of the man before him. A long breath left his mouth as he struggled for the words to describe how he felt and what he wanted. He clamped his eyes shut. "Steve... I— I don't know... what I want." There was a pause. Steve was thinking.

Of course he wanted to be sure that Bucky was okay with everything as it was. He was understanding of the fact that it hadn't been all that long yet since he initially remembered who he was but... God. He wasn't sure how much longer just kissing could distract him. He missed what they used to have.

That animalistic need for one another was what he missed the most... the passion... the desire. If only Bucky knew what he was thinking.

"Buck... I get it. Really, I do. Being lost and forgotten for so many years? I went through that myself too. I was out for nearly 70 years! And you only just remembered yourself about a month ago. But... ugh, nevermind"

"What is it. Tell me"

"You gotta understand. I've missed you. The real you. James Barnes. My best friend since I can remember..." he took a deep breath. "The sleepless nights I spent alone in my bed thinking about you. Those days when you would snuggle up behind me when I was scared of the thunder storms. Your warm breath and calming words hot up against my neck. All those nights we had to be quiet in our room but I couldn't help myself from screaming your name. The things we did..."

Bucky's stare was blank but, his eyes were glassy... almost like he was holding tears back. Then, as if it of nothing, he forcibly grabbed Steve's neck and planted a deep kiss of his own on his lips. Steve was sugary sweet and plump, just as he remembered him to be from before. A single tear fell upon his cheek, wetting the skin between them. Bucky shifted under the covers and pulled away for a second, readjusting so that he was straddling Steve.

"Buck..." he was in complete awe... his eyes were popping out of his skull (even though he was kinda grateful for these actions).

"Shut up and fuck me already" he ran his fingers through Steve's golden locks as he pushed another kiss down onto his lips and streaked his metal hand down to Steve's pecks. A small yelp of satisfaction and surprise escaped Steve's mouth when Bucky began to encircle his taut nipples with the cool tips of his metal fingers.

They were both only in their boxers (Steve's being blue and Bucky's being dark gray) so it wasn't before long that Bucky was grinding on Steve's already hard cock with his own.

Bucky pulled his lips away from his neck, leaving behind a red and purple bruise that would most likely fade in a few minutes.

"Steve... God, Steve, you were right. So right. Please— I" he licked his lips.

"It's alright... it's alright" he pushed a strand of dark brown hair behind Bucky's ear. "What do you want... you gotta use your words, buddy, tell me."

"I- want you. God I want you so bad. I need to be inside you, Steve. "

"Woah there... it's- I mean usually- well, you're..."

"I know you used to top after the serum. But, Stevie, you gotta understand. I've spent the last 50 years of my life in the passenger seat. I... I need to be in control for once." His eyes diverted, looking dark and lost. Like he had suddenly remembered and relived all the terrors of being The Winter Soldier all over again.

"Okay"

"What do you mean 'okay'?"

"Okay... like, yea, I get it. Here..." he reached for the nightstand and opened the top drawer. When his hand returned he held a bottle of lube. "For you" he sent over a smirk.

Bucky smiled and took the bottle. He proceeded to toss it to the side of the bed and continue on with what he was doing before.

Kissing.

Touching.

Grinding.

Until Steve began to pull down at his own boxer shorts.

"Stop" Bucky's hands moved to halt his friend. "Let me undress you" he slowly slipped his cold metal fingers under the elastic waistband of Steve's shorts and he let out s quick breath of air from his mouth as his eyes closed.

Bucky watched Steve's eyes intently as he ran his fingers through the thick thatch of blonde hair he had encountered. His other hand cupped Steve's jaw as he leaned in for a short kiss. Cool metal made its way around Steve's already hard dick.

"Shit" Steve jolted back into the bed in shock. Moans of ecstasy filled the room as Bucky stroked along the length of the man below his powerful thighs. 

"Bucky" he groaned, before long. "I- I dunno how long I'm gonna last like this" Steve was visibly shaking beneath him.

"Well, then in that case" he picked up his pace for a moment then came to a complete stop.

"Ughhh... please!" He was practically begging for Bucky to touch him, as he had grabbed hold of Bucky's broad shoulders and was pulling down. But Bucky already had a plan set up for his man.

"Close your eyes" Bucky demanded forcefully.

"But Bu—"

"Close. Them." Steve did as he was told and then Bucky slowly slid down his lovers body... he took the whole length of Steve's dick in his mouth until the tip hit the back of his throat. Steve's back arched up as he let out heavenly moans of pleasure and groaned Bucky's name over and over and over again.

Steve's hands tossled through Bucky's already messy dark brown hair, his eyes clamped shut and mouth wide open. Bucky sped up as he watched his lover in amazement. His panting picked up an increasing pace as his heart thudded loudly against his chest... Bucky hummed at the sight as he ran his metal hand up across Steve's firm abdomen and his other along the outside of his upper thigh. Steve struggled to contain himself as he sputtered out exasperated moans and and cries of Bucky's name. Then, all at once, he filled Bucky's mouth as he came undone at his lovers mouth. Bucky pulled away, swallowing everything Steve had given him.

"Buck—" he struggled to speak. It truly had been a very long time since they had been so close.

He licked his lips, "I know." He feel on top of Steve and hugged him close, his head resting on his shoulder.

"No. No— I- I wanna... return the favor..." he moved Bucky's head so that he could look into his eyes.

"... uhh... I don't know, Steve..."

"C'monnnnn pleeeease? I want to, Bucky. We're gonna have to eventually, you know"

"Fine. But I'm on top"

"Okay" a bright smile spread across his face as he spread his legs and reached for the lube at the edge of the bed.

Bucky took the red bottle of lube and before he knew it he had two cold, metal fingers pushing inside of Steve... and he was actually begging for more. He had forgotten what this was like. He put in the third finger, but Steve still wanted more.

"Steve... are you su-"

"Just— please. Do it." Steve was whining so he did as he was asked. He pushed through the tight rings of muscle and Steve squirmed beneath him, "ahhhh!— yes..." his eyes clamped shut and his lips parted slightly as he hummed with pleasure, letting out a hot breath of air.

"D'you like that, Stevie?" he let out a light moan in agreement. "Good" he pulled his fingers out and Steve let out a loud groan but was left feeling empty.

Bucky used the lube to slick himself up, "ready?" He asked.

"Yes... please just fuck me already"

"So needy, Stevie" and with that, to Steve's surprise, Bucky lofted Steve's leg to his shoulder and pushed his dick in rather quickly, forcing a shout to fall from Steve's battered, red lips.

"Fucking hell... slow it down, Buck" he looked uncomfortable and that look made Bucky a bit uneasy about the whole situation.

"See. I told you this wasn't a good idea. I knew this would happen at some point I'm just— I'm not re-"

"Yes you are. You're ready. I believe in you; more than that, I trust you. You can do this." Steve looked way more confident in what he was saying than Bucky was in himself but he decided to go along with it anyway.

"Okay" he huffed out, "I- we... got this" he looked down at Steve, a glimmer of hope sparkling in his great, blue eyes. Their lips met for an all-too-quick moment before Bucky's hips began to thrust away, causing Steve to gasp and pull away from his lips.

A sweltering heat filled the room. Moans and sighs littered with names filled the musty air.

Bucky! Fuck yea, harder... Ahh!

Steve, oh fuck, oh God Steve!

That slapping sound of skin on skin was insanely explicit, as was the expression on Bucky's face. They were as close as they physically could be but that only made them want each other more.

"Ahhhh!" Steve's back arched up off the bed and hit Bucky's chest. "Fuck me faster, goddamnit— ooooh my- ahh!"

"Shit, do that again"

"Wha- what?"

"That noise you made... fuckin' do it again"

"Why"

"I mean... it was absolutely the single most unholy thing I've ever heard you say, but it sure as hell was God-like"

He chuckled "Buckyyy!" He joked around. His smile slowly faded away as his laugh slowly creeped into a groan that carried from deep within his throat.

Their sweat glistened on their rock hard skin and muscles and wet the covers (but it was a lost cause at this point anyway). Bucky thrusted as hard and fast as he could; he could even feel his dick hitting every single ring of muscle. They were so close together that Steve was rubbing up against Bucky's stomach and was grinding on him, too.

Bucky's hands were occupied on either side on Steve's face, holding him up from falling. "Touch yourself" ha whispered.

Steve looked up and quickly pulled out his hand and stated to stroke himself slowly and then began to pick up his pace. In no time, the two men were sweating bullets and Steve could even feel his own precum dripping down his bulging cock.

"Shit— Steve I think... I-" and before he could say anything more his body uncontrollably jerked and shook as his cum filled Steve, hot and wet as he moaned his name. Steve followed by spraying white ribbons across his chest and on Bucky's chin just the tiniest bit.

• • •

A smile crept onto Bucky's face along with a few years that streamed down his beaten face.

"Everything okay, baby?" Steve asked, genuinely concerned.

"It's just that— God. I love you so much, Steve"

He let out a sigh of relief. "I love you too, Buck."

—————
• James_BuchananBarnes •