Red Base

The Reds and Doc are seen looking at the warthog, as it continues to beep.

Simmons: OK, I get it, you built a remote control for the jeep, into Lopez.

Sarge: Yes.

Scout: Which I told you not to do, but did you listen? (throwing her arms up into the air in frustration) NO! Instead, you built the remote control into his pelvic area, claiming that no one is ever going to find it! Well, guess what Sarge, someone found it!

Sarge: But Scout, it just seemed so damn logical to build where nobody would dare to look. Unless...

Sarge turns to Donut, resulting in Grif, Simmons, and Scout turning to look at Donut.

Sarge: Hey! Pretty in Pink, were you messing with my robot?

Donut: What are you asking me for?!

Scout snorts and quickly turns away, focusing back on the warthog.

Grif: So somebody else controls the Jeep right now? And the big gun attached to it?!

Sarge: Oh grow a pair you bunch of Barbies.

Scout: (warning) Excuse me?

Sarge: (taking a step away from Scout) Even if they've figured out how to turn it on, they'd never know the set of codewords to control it. Only me and my dairy know that.

Scout: (done with life) You mean the dairy that you have sitting on your bed with a top-secret sticker on the cover, yeah because that thing is very secure.

The others look at Scout as she continues to look at the warthog.

Sarge: Did you-

Scout: Read it? No. I only go through Simmons's shit to make him feel stupid when I spell and grammar-check it.

Simmons: (angry/embarrassed) You Bitch!

Blue Base

The blues are still on top of the base, Sammy is sitting on the ramp waiting for them to stop being weird.

Church: There, do you hear that?

Tucker: Is it like a screaming high-pitched whistling noise followed by a series of random clicks?

Sammy: (over the coms/concerned) Tucker, are you okay? Do we need to get one of the two medics in the canyon for you?

Tucker: Can it be the girl?

Sammy: Stay away from my twin.

Church: Sammy, we need to talk about that whole twin thing when this is done. And no Tucker, it's like a constant beep beep beep noise.

Tucker: Oh, then no. I don't hear anything.

Church: Wait, do you actually hear a series of whistling noises followed by random clicks?

Tucker: No, I was just trying to be helpful.

Church: Yeah, well, you're failing.

Sammy: What else is new?

Caboose: All I hear is that voice, you know telling us to kill all our friends before they have the chance to kill us.

Sammy: Ok 1, I'm scared, and 2, you already killed Church, so there's one down. And 3, are you okay?!

Caboose: What, you guys don't hear that?

Sammy: No Caboose, we don't hear that buddy.

Caboose: Oh....I might need some help then.

Sammy: I'll see if Scout can help.

Church: (still hearing the beeping) Oh man I cannot take this anymore! Tucker, you're going to have to do something man! This beeping is going to drive me crazy!

Red Base

Church's Voice: Going to drive me crazy, drive me crazy

Warthog: (beeps) Drive.

Sarge: Jumpin' Jehozafats, they've cracked the code! Those dern windtalkers.

Scout: The fucking code word was Drive?! Are you fucking serious Sarge?!

The Warthog drives straight at Doc and hits him, causing him to land in the driver's seat as it continues to drive away with him in it.

Donut: Hey! He's taking the Jeep!

Scout: More like the jeep's taking him.

Doc: Help! This jeep is kidnapping me!

Donut: Now he's taunting us. This is just embarrassing.

Scout: The only thing embarrassing about this Donut, is just how stupid you are.

Simmons: Hey Sarge, new rule. How 'bout we just stop taking prisoners, since we seem to suck at it.

Scout: Two new rules actually. The other one is, you are no longer allowed to make codewords Sarge, that's my job now.

Sarge: But Scout-

Scout: (pissed) My Job Sarge!

Blue Base

Caboose is kneeling in front of Church with Tucker looking over Caboose's shoulder. Sammy is looking over the edge of the ramp to see if this goes horribly wrong.

Caboose: I see a switch down here. (Whispers loudly) It's not very big.

Sammy: (amused and horrified) Oh god.

Tucker: Oh yeah, that's it. Just flip it.

Church: Wait! Stop!

Warthog: (in the background, in the middle of the canyon, emits a series of beeps) Stop. (stops moving)

Church: Caboose... do you know how to use a switch?

Caboose: Uhhhhhh...

Sammy: (disappointed) Caboose, buddy.

Church: (patient)Alright. Here's a full tutorial then. The switch is pointed in one direction, just turn it around so that it's pointed in the other direction.

Warthog: Turn around. (starts to turn around)

Caboose: (a small metallic noise is heard) Oops. (there's the sound of electricity) It broke itself.

Church: (patience gone) Ugh!

To the warthog as it finishes turning, now facing the Reds.

Doc: Oh man, what now?

Red Base

Cut to the Reds now starting to get ready to run.

Grif: That does not look good. Nice kitty, nice kitty.

Scout turns her head slightly towards Grif while Donut is slowly beginning to back away.

Scout: (annoyed and uneasy) Grif... it's a goddamn car.

Grif: (slightly panicked) Don't judge how I handle this situation Scout! You're the smart one! Do you have a plan for this?

Scout: Unfortunately, no. I didn't look at the schematics that Sarge drew up for this.

Blue Base

Caboose and Tucker are kneeling next to Church. Sammy has come up the ramp more to get a better look at the situation.

Tucker: Okay, I see two wires down here. One's green, the other one's red.

Caboose: What about the blue one?

Tucker: That's your thumb, idiot.

Church: Come on, guys, just grab whichever one goes to the switch, and yank it out.

Tucker: Eh, I can't tell which one goes over there.

Church: Then just yank 'em both!

Sammy: (running over) Do not yank both!

Caboose: (stands up) Church, if we pick the wrong one... (whispers) You could explode!

Sammy: (stopping in front of Church) The likelihood of explosion is low, I'm more worried that if they pull the wrong one, it could take out your lower half.

Church: I didn't think about that. Ok, then just follow the red one, with how they're leader is, it's most likely that one.

Red Base

The warthog lets out another series of beeps.

Warthog: Acquire target: Red.

Scout: Ah shit.

Grif: Uh, Sarge, y-you may wanna start running (Scout, Simmons, and Donut back away) Now. (backs away also)

Sarge: Ahhhhh fudge pumps.

Blue Base

Caboose is kneeling again. Sammy is standing beside Church now.

Tucker: Okay, I see what's going on here. The red one goes close to the switch, and the green one goes... eugh, someplace else.

Church: Fine, just pull it. Take out the red one.

Red Base

The warthog rams Sarge into the wall of the base.

Sarge: (in pain) Oh! I'm pinned!

Warthog: (emits the dial-up noise again) Eliminate red target. (the turret gun starts firing and getting progressively closer to Sarge's head)

Scout: Shit! Hold on Sarge!

Scout runs up to the Warthog, grabbing the gun and holding it in place, making it stop moving towards Sarge.

Grif: Shit! You are one strong lady!

Scout: (strained) I can't do this forever assholes!

Grif: (to Doc) You're gonna kill him!

Sarge: What a way to go. Killed by my own mechanical creations. I'm sure there's a philosophical lesson to be learned from all this.

Simmons: Something about the dangers of technology and the unwavering pride of mankind?

Sarge: No, something about hiring better help that doesn't just stand around watching you die! Except Scout! She's literally the only thing holding death from me!

Scout: (strained) You're welcome sir! Now can somebody please do something?!

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A/N

Holy shit! It has been a hot minute since I've posted anything here. I'm so sorry to you all. First I graduated High school, moved states, started working full time and going to school full time, and dropped out of school because of people being stupid. fell out of the fandom slightly around season 15, but finally got back into the fandom recently and now I finally have time to type up stories. For the next few days, I'm going to be editing season 1 and the first episodes of season 2, and then hopefully, I'll get episode 6 up soon. Have a great day yall.