Red Base

Scout jumps from the top of the base and walks up to Sarge, while Grif and Simmons are walking slowly up to them.

Scout: What's up?

Sarge: I'd love to tell you Scout when my (angry) other lazy soldiers get here. Hurry up, ladies! This is no ice cream social.

Simmons: Ice cream social?

Grif: Sarge why do you call us ladies and not the actual lady a lady?

Sarge: Because Scout is more of a man than you two combined!

Grif and Simmons exchange looks.

Sarge: Now, stop the pillow talk, you two. Does anyone want to guess why I gathered you here today?

Grif: Uh, is it because the war's over and you're sending us home?

Scout: (mutters) Christ Grif!

Grif: What?

Sarge: (sarcastically) That's exactly it, Private. War's over. We won. Turns out you're the big hero and we're gonna hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float, and Simmons here IS IN CHARGE OF CONFETTI!

Grif: I'm no stranger to sarcasm, Sir. And why didn't you give Scout a job?

Scout: He knows I don't do celebratory functions.

Grif: Wait...he just lets you avoid work if you don't want to, but he gets on my ass when I don't want to? How's that fair Sarge?

Sarge: God damn it Private! Shut your mouth or else I'll have Simmons slit your throat while you're asleep!

Simmons: Oh and I'd do it too Sir!

Sarge: Good man Simmons.

Scout: Don't kill my friend Simmons.

Simmons: Didn't he steal your strawberry and chocolate cream-filled Oreos?

Scout: He did, but that means that if anyone is going to do anything to him, it's me. I got that right the day he stole my favorite snack. (to Grif) You're dead to me when it comes to food, but you're still my friend. So if anyone is gonna kill ya, it's gonna be me, keep that in mind the next time you steal from me.

It's silent for a moment as the three stare at her. All she does is tilt her head slightly. Grif eventually just nods.

Grif: I both feel safe and also in danger. At least I know you'll make it quick and painless though.

Scout: Very true.

Sarge: (clears throat) Let's get back on track. (brief pause) A couple of things today, ladies. Command has seen fit to increase our ranks at Blood Gulch Outpost number one.

Grif: Crap. We're getting a rookie.

Sarge: That's right, dead man. (sees Scout looking at him) Our new recruit will be here within the week, and no Scout, I'm not going to force you to babysit them like I did with Grif and Simmons, but today we received the first part of our shipment from command.

Sarge turns towards a hill behind them. Scout slouches in relief, not wanting to relive that experience again.

Sarge: Lopez, bring up the vehicle.

Lopez drives a large, armored-plated vehicle over the rise and pulls up beside the Reds.

Simmons: Shotgun!

Grif: Shotgun! (realizes he was too late) Fuck!

Scout: Machine gun!

Sarge: May I introduce our new, light reconnaissance vehicle.

Scout: Can I do it Sarge?

Sarge: Go ahead Scout.

Scout walks up beside it as Sarge steps closer to the others.

Scout: Okay, this baby has four-inch armor plating, mag bumper suspension, a mounted machine gun position, and a total seating for three. Gentlemen, let me introduce the M12 LRV. But everyone I know calls it the Warthog.

Simmons: ......Why Warthog?

Sarge: Because M12 LRV is too hard to say in conversation.

Grif: I know, but why Warthog? I mean it doesn't really look like a pig.

Sarge: What?

Grif: I think it looks more like a Puma.

Sarge: What in Sam's Hell is a Puma?

Simmons: Uh, you mean like the shoe company?

Grif: No, like a puma. It's a big cat, like a lion.

Scout: You know Spanish?

Grif: What? No!

Sarge: You're making that up.

Grif: I'm telling you it's a real animal!

Sarge: Scout, I want you to poison Grif's next meal.

Scout: Not happening.

Sarge: Fine. Simmons, I want you to poison Grif's next meal.

Scout: (points at the front of the Warthog) Look, see these two tow hooks? They look like tusks, and what kind of animal has tusks?

Grif: A walrus.

Scout:...okay, what kind of animal that has four legs?

Grif: An elephant.

Scout: Listen Bitch.

Sarge: Didn't I tell you to stop making up animals?!

Scout: Sarge...both an elephant and a walrus are real.

Sarge: You're making that up.

Scout: Sir, I have no reason to lie to you.

The cliffs

Cut to Church, Tucker, and Sammy.

Tucker: What is that thing?

Church lowers his rifle.

Church: I don't know, man. Looks like uh.. looks like they've got some sorta car down there. We'd better get back to base to report it.

Tucker: (taken back) A car? How come they get a car?!

Church: What are you complaining about, man? We're about to get a tank in the very next drop.

Tucker: (disappointed) You can't pick up chicks in a tank.

Sammy: What chicks are we gonna pick up, man? WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, IN THE MIDDLE OF A BOX CANYON.

Church: And besides, how are you gonna pick up chicks in a car that looks like that?

Sammy: (mutters) Church, why must you encourage him?

Tucker: (sighs) What kind of car is it?

Church: (looking through scope) I dunno, I've never seen a car like that before. It looks like a... uh... like a big cat of some kind.

Tucker:...What, like a Puma?

Church: Yeah man there you go.

Sammy: So a cougar?

Church: Why do you say that?

Sammy: Because in Mexico, Puma means Cougar.

Church: Huh, I learned something new today.

Red base

Cut to the Reds giving Grif a hard time.

Sarge: So unless anybody has any more mythical creatures to suggest as a name for the new vehicle, we're going to stick with Warthog. How 'bout it Grif?

Grif: No, Sir. No more suggestions.

Sarge: Are you sure? How 'bout Bigfoot?

Grif: It's okay.

Sarge: Unicorn?

Grif: No really. Um, I'm cool.

Sarge: Sasquatch.

Simmons: Leprechaun.

Scout: Pegasus.

Grif: Hey he doesn't need any help!

Scout: Celestial.

Grif: .......Stop.

Sarge: Phoenix.

Grif: (sighs) Christ.

Scout: (pats Grif's shoulder) You should have just stayed quiet earlier.

Sarge: Hey Simmons, what's the name of that Mexican lizard? Eats all the goats.

Simmons: Uh, that would be the Chupacabra, Sir.

Sarge: Hey Grif, Chupathingy! How 'bout that? I like it. Gotta ring to it.

Scout: I'm down with calling it the Chupathingy.

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A/N: Edidted 10/23/23