19. Wishes and Promises

            I didn’t remember falling unconscious, it had happened so suddenly. The last thing I remembered was escaping Azog and his Orc pack on Eagles. I remembered fire; I remembered the Dwarves and everyone fighting the Wargs and Orcs. I remembered pain.

            In fact, I still felt pain.

            I heard someone muttering incoherent things nearby, their voice low. I focused harder. They sounded really close, like they were practically right next to me…

            Oh. How could I have forgotten that Bilbo had stuck by my side since pulling me away from battle? How could I have forgotten that, if it hadn’t been for Fili and Kili defending me, Bilbo probably wouldn’t have gotten me out of that mess? That was who the voice belonged to, I now realized.

            “Just hold on,” I heard him mumble. “We’ll be landing soon. Gandalf will heal you, I know he will. You have to stay alive, Lily. Please.”

            I smiled grimly as I opened my eyes. “You really think I would leave you?”

            A shaky but relieved breath escaped his lips. “I thought you were still out cold.” My eyes focused on his face, though my eyelids felt very heavy.

            My brown eyes snapped to the sky. The sunrise had to be happening, the sky was different colors. There was some light casting itself onto Bilbo’s face, making his eyes a lighter brown than they normally were.

            “Everybody got out all right?” I croaked, wanting to push myself out of his arms.

            “That I can see, yes. And don’t move so much, you’re hurt.” To emphasize his point, he held me closer to his chest. I could hear his heart panicking under me. I knew it was from fear, but we were in no danger. Though, I did know why his heart was racing.

            He was worried about me.

            “What about Thorin?” I cleared my throat. “Is he…?”

            “We don’t know.” I flinched as my body throbbed. “What hurts?”

            “My leg and my arm. My whole body just wants to relax.”

            “I think we all crave that.” He tried to laugh.

            I peered down at my body to see the damage. My arm was covered in red, the sleeve shredded. My pant leg looked to be identical to my arm, shredded and bit. They both looked like bloody messes. How much blood did I lose while on this flight? I looked to the Eagle’s brown feathers, seeing faint traces of red.

            I made one hell of a mess.

            My body slumped, I felt so exhausted even though I had just been out for hours. Nearby, I heard other Eagles’ wings flap, carrying Dwarves and Gandalf around us. The gentle breeze tousled our hair; it felt oddly soothing for me.

            “I tried to stop it, the bleeding,” Bilbo said, breaking the silence. I stole a brief look at one of his hands, it was stained red too. “But I didn’t know what to do. There isn’t much to use since we’re on an Eagle. There are too many open wounds; it was hard to stop anything.” He squeezed his eyes shut briefly. “But I’m not too worried; we’ll probably land somewhere safe soon.”

            “Bilbo—”

            “Gandalf will get you and Thorin right again, and then we’ll continue on.”

            “Bilbo,” I said louder. This made him stop his rambling. I exhaled slowly. “Stop trying to act like things are okay. I know they aren’t.” My voice now shook.

            “Lily, they—”

            “No, they won’t be okay.” I inhaled sharply. “I know what’s going on. I’m…I’m dying.”

            There was no other way to address it. Bilbo was playing it off as though everything was just fine, when really, nothing was. I was dying, there was no sugarcoating it. The fact that I said those two words frightened me.

            Truly, I was scared of dying.

            “Don’t say that.”

            “Look at me!” I squeaked. “I’m a bloody mess! My arm and leg have nearly been torn off, you can’t stop the bleeding! It’s inevitable, Bilbo.” I rested my head against his chest. “I can’t cheat death.”

            “Sure you can. If you hold on just a bit longer, you can. Gandalf will heal you.”

            “I could be like you right now, trying to deny what’s really going on, but I’m not, though I really want to.” I laughed apathetically. “I’m terrified.”

            “Don’t be. Look at me.” Brown met brown. “You’ll be fine.”

            I sniffled, blinking back tears. “While I’m still here”—I was shocked Bilbo didn’t cut me off when I said that—“I want to know something.”

            “Anything.”

            “How did you get out of the caves before me? How did you disappear after I got you through that crack in the tunnels? I closed my eyes for a fraction of a second…”

            Bilbo’s eyes turned soft. I stared at him, waiting patiently, though I knew I couldn’t wait forever. Time wasn’t on my side at the moment.

            “Remember that thing the creature accused me of stealing?” I nodded. “Well.” He held his palm in front of my face—on it, a ring, very similar to my wedding band. “It has magical properties. When you pulled me through and I knocked into you, the ring escaped my pocket and I caught it on my finger. It made me invisible.”

            “That can’t be possible.” I swallowed.

            “But it is. How else could I have disappeared so suddenly, like you said?”

            “How could Gollum have that for so long?”

“You gave it a name?”

“I hated not calling it something, Bilbo.” I coughed, wincing. “I figured since he made that awful noise, that’s what I would call him. I wonder if he knew of its properties…”

            “We’ll never know, Lily.”

            “By the way, I didn’t appreciate you abandoning me like that.” My voice was briefly strong.

            “I’m sorry. If there had been a way to get you out with me, I would have. If something had happened to you in there, I would have never forgiven myself for leaving you.”

            I groaned, silent tears falling down my face. “I thought death was supposed to be peaceful, like in those stories we’d read all the time.”

            “Shh. Don’t say anything more.” He put his cheek down on my forehead. I assumed the bleeding had stopped there, at least. “Just keep quiet.”

            I did, for the most part. The reality of being so close to death made me break down. I muted my sobs, burying my face into Bilbo’s neck. I felt his figure quiver under me. I wasn’t sure whether it was because I was shaking too or it was just him.

            We sat like that in silence for what seemed like hours, just him holding me while we were saying goodbyes in our heads. My heart ached, but it could probably not compare to the pain Bilbo was going through. He was holding his dying best friend in his arms.

            Jack. Cecelia. Mum. Dad. Would they ever know I died during this adventure? Would they instead think I moved somewhere, away from the Shire? They know me too well; they know I would never leave home. I love the Shire too much.

            I laughed at myself mentally. They would know I didn’t make the journey back home. Bilbo would be the one to tell them that, because he was going to make it back to Hobbiton. Even though I would never wish it on him to tell my loved ones that I died, somebody had to be the messenger.

            I knew the messenger would be him.

            My heart broke as I knew I would never again see Remy. I hoped now that he returned home, that way Jack could have some company.

            “Bilbo,” I said weakly.

            “Yes?”

            I peeked out from his neck. “I need to ask a favor or two from you. Do you think you can do them?”

            “I’ll try.”

            “Let me give you these first.” I pulled the letter to my sister out. I started to take off my wedding ring, but Bilbo stopped me.

            “Lily—”

            “Let me do this,” I said harshly. Bilbo backed off as I took off my wedding ring. I placed both items in one of his hands. “They need something to remember me by. The ring goes to him, the letter goes to her.” I snorted. “If I had had enough time, I could have written him one too.”

            “Lily—”

            “You can’t give me those back. Those things are for them, for when you see them again.”

            “I can’t guarantee that I will.”

            “I know you will.” I put a hand to his face. “Though I have no chance of returning home, there’s still hope for you. Don’t let this”—I gestured to us—“convince you that you’ll end up like me, because you won’t.”

            “How can you—”

            “You have to trust me on this, Bilbo. Do you trust me?”

            He nodded grimly. “What else do you want of me?”

            “When you return—”

            “You mean if.”

            “No, I mean when. When you return, after you give Cecelia and Jack what I just gave to you, I want you to look after them both. I—I know the news will hit them hard, but who will be worse, I don’t think I want to guess.” I coughed. “Watch over them both for me; don’t let them do anything stupid. They may not seem like the people to do extreme things, but you can’t assume that.”

            I could tell Bilbo was trying to find words; he kept opening and closing his mouth.

            “Don’t worry; I know they’ll take care of you.” I smiled meekly. “You’ll be in good hands. I know it.”

            “Stop talking like this. Please, just stop.”

            “Then what do you want?” I whispered.

            “To not let you go.” To prove his point, he held me even closer to him. I lolled my head to the side, facing away from him. The wind kissed my face; I could feel faint heat from the rising sun. “I don’t want to lose you, Lily.”

            “Red!” I heard one of the brothers call. I wish I could say goodbyes to them too, and to Gandalf, and the rest of the Dwarves. But I know I won’t make it to that point.

            “I bet the sunrise is beautiful,” I cooed.

            “Lily, stop talking like this,” Bilbo ordered me. “Please, concentrate. Look at me. Do something!”

            I turned my attention back to my panicking best friend. I snuggled into him. It was amazing, how I had turned from frightened to peaceful in just a short amount of time. Even though I had been scared of death, I wasn’t anymore.

            Was death this easy to accept even if you were scared of leaving the world?

            “I just need to close my eyes, for one second…”

            “If you do, you’ll never wake up again.” Bilbo’s voice cracked.

            “Then I know I’ll go peacefully. You know I’ll be in a better state than I am in. You know I’ll be in a better place.”

            “Lily—”

            “You have to let me go, Bilbo.” I said this calmly. I was accepting my fate, now Bilbo needed to. The Dwarves and Gandalf would, in time, when they found out I left them.

            “I can’t. I don’t want to.” Bilbo sounded like a scared child, like a lost child who wasn’t willing to trust a stranger who was offering them help.

            I held back tears. “You have to.”

            “No…” I felt a warm hand rest against my face. “Don’t do this. Don’t leave.”

            I smiled sorrowfully. “You’ll make it home, Bilbo.”

**A friendly (not really) reminder that I have experienced your suffering, what you're probably still feeling right now. You are not alone in your tears, my readers. The emotion really hit me when I went back and edited it thoroughly (I sometimes read my stuff out loud to hear how it sounds). 

Sorry that I made you guys bring out the tissues!**