His heartbeat irritated him,
the constant, throbbing reminder of his life

The life force pumping through his veins

But there was no way to stop it,

so it would remain beating steady within his chest.

⊙

San heaved a heavy, tired sigh and rolled onto his back to look up through the darkness at his bedroom ceiling.

The hollow ache of his heart was keeping him awake.

It throbbed, steady and constant, reminding him he was still alive.

Still on this Earth.

But for what purpose?

He had come to hate that constant, perpetual reminder beating within his chest.

It felt so real when he himself felt like he didn't belong.

And still, as he lay on his bed, eyes wide open yet seeing nothing at all, his heart continued on with it's steady pace. Pumping blood around his body.

From the valves in his heart, through the veins circuiting his body, to his brain, his organs, his limbs, his muscles, skin and bones.

The perfect operation that never stopped, even if he might have wanted it to.

You see, death was not something San could give himself. 

It wasn't for lack of thinking about it. The many ways he could die.

For San would rather make himself suffer alive, than give himself release in death.

Emotionally torturing himself was something he was good at, after all.

Maybe the only thing he was good at.

So why stop?

Death would be too easy. Death would not be punishment enough.

San exhaled another heavy sigh and rolled onto his side, and tried to ignore the beating of his heart as he closed his eyes and waited for another day to come.