I need to pour myself another drink before I start on Jungkook. A moment, if you please.

*Warm milk pours into a cold mug, and a cookie is retrieved from a cabinet nook*

There we go. Now I'm ready to tell you about the shopping mess that is perfectly poor Jungkook.

He was supposed to be the underdog-favorite-male lead in this story, but thanks to poor social skills and a mess with the CGI guys, he's come up short in that department. He's the flat-toned guy with the flat, toned abs, leg muscles so sharp they have cut at least two recent pair of pantaloons, and the long-ish waves of crinkly brown hair worthy of a Shakespearean sonnet.

Yes, it's as disgusting as it sounds. Jungkook is supposed to be the man of mystery here, but really the only mystery is how he managed to steal Valerie's heart...other than because he lands in the hemisphere of 'attractive.'

Jungkook is dull as a doorknob whenever he opens his mouth, and he'd be dreamier if he stuck to one-liners and sweaty muscle scenes. Valerie is still a big fan, but maybe she needs to take a step back and re-examine her selfworth as a capable kick-ass woman.

Jungkook grew up without parents, half-wild, living off of the forest. A real motivated self-starter. Sounds alluringly mysterious and capable, sure.

There's a hitch in this underdog tale. If he had a few more brain cells at work, Jungkook would be using all of his woodland knowledge to make a fortune off of hunting wild game for rich people, and trapping and fur trading the pelt laden creatures abounding. Imagine the funny hats! The gold! The possibilities!

But no. This numbskull is a broke ass woodcutter.

What, does he feel bad for the rabbits?

Obviously, he has the skill, the stamina, and, based on the historically inaccurate fashions around here, there is a market for this kind of fur trade in town.

He'd rather hack at trees all day and make horses haul his massive logs across the forest.

No wonder Valerie's mother doesn't want Jungkook to be married into the family.

Poor Jungkook and Valerie have been forest frolicking friends since they were tiny bean sprouts who could hardly hold a bowstring.

These days, they still enjoy a good woodland frolic.

*Sips milk*

But you didn't hear that from me.

Valerie and Jungkook both seem to think that they've got the best friends-become-lovers story down pat without anyone to stand in their way, but they would clearly be wrong about that.

Valerie's mother is obstacle number one to their marital bliss.

Obstacle number two would be the fact that Valerie is already engaged to a different fool—one who's at least rich as well as pretty.

And obstacle three is that there is a murderous Wolf on the loose--and it just killed Valerie's ugly older sister.

I know. We just met her, and she's already dog food. This is what Hollywood thinks of women who don't rank as high as Valerie on the hotness scale.

*Sips milk again*

Not saying I agree, just calling the shit like I smell it.

But let's hurry and go meet Val's fabulous fiancé, Taehyung. Because life and death comes at you fast.