I know I dreamed but what it was about nothing came to mind, Apart from a beautiful boy ,well I know he was beautiful but what his face looked like, I didn't know. I sound crazy.

The pills and razor sat and my bed side. Dried redness was stained on the metal and the cap wasn't on the bottle of pills. In the mirror I looked ghastly. Bandages sprinkled my upper arms.

I still felt like something was wrong, bad things are about happen. My insides were empty but also sad, every part of me was numb yet I still felt like my heart was burning. Burning for something I have never known but was the part that was missing. Every part of me was So jumbled.

I wanted it all to stop. I breath quickened as I felt a panic attack arising. I grabbed my blade and got ready to cut but I was smarter then that. I sat on my bed and pulled up my pyjama shorts.

My tanned, bare flesh was perfect for some hidden cuts. I lowered the blade and welcomed to stinging and cold dig of metal.

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I decided to do some training. The black suit covered the cuts well.

Pidge and hunk were having a spar and Keith was murdering a dummy. I didn't want to talk with them. I grabbed a training blade and focused on the dummy.

I slashed the dummy like I wanted to slash myself. That's pain the I deserved, everyone knows and if I don't remind myself then I will fly to high and get to full of myself again. The dummy was destroyed in a few seconds. I diced that's dummy.

Keith shocked eyes gazed over at me. I didn't want to look at him so I went to see blue. He would just probably insult me, I need that more. Besides the others will be happier without me there.

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Blue I was ideally spread out on the launch bay floor. She smiled down at me,

'At least someone wanted to see your unholy face'

I walked up to her and took of my helmet. She knew something was wrong. I placed my back to her and slid down her chest. She hummed like a concerned mother. I really miss my mother and my family. They are better of without me though.

Blue spoke into my mind. What's wrong my paladin. She doesn't always do it but it still freaked me out. "I-I I'm fine blue" I replied numbly. The hum in her chest changed tone. She didn't believe me one bit. "Blue please don't push me". I nervously tried to scratch my arms. My suit covers them so I dug my fingernails into the back of neck, it stung but that was what I needed.

I lay close to blue and she purred. It felt nice to be around something that didn't hate or pity me. Soon the mice came and curled up on chest. How come the animals could tell something was wrong but my own team didn't.

I didn't notice how much I was cutting open my neck. Soon my fingernails were caked in blood.

My stomach groaned for food sharply but my mind wasn't hungry one bit. Rage burned the edges of my book lungs. Like it bubbling under the surface.

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After a long while of relaxing I got to my feet. The mice and blue were all asleep.

I lifted a finger to my neck and saw how much red are own them. I needed to patch then up. The only place with good medical equipment was the sick bay so my ghostly feet carried me there.

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I wanted to turn away as I saw Shiro in there. His back was to me and he didn't even notice me.

'Why would anyone want to notice you'.

Dumb voice.

I rushed in and grabbed a few bandages out of the medical pack he was looking into. "Oh hey Lance" he said, his mock happiness towards me stung. "How are you loverboy" that nickname harrowed me because I would love but nothing ever was returned.

I'm like borrowed money people say this will return my love but it doesn't happen.

Shiro waited but I didn't respond and just left to the bathroom.

That cut on my neck was deeper than I though. I really did some damaged. I needed that damaged because I was worthless nothing.

Sharp rage at my own pathetic self swallowed me. I spoke to myself harshly. "Why can't you just be better, you're pathetic and worthless,  why can't you just be smarter or braver but you're  Nothing". I turned and punched the wall. I groaned at my hand made a sharp crack. I turned on the sink and snapped of Pidge's hair brushes.

Suddenly reality calmed me back down. I was a mess in the mirror. My hand ached and blood trickled down my neck and arms.

I placed some bandages on my neck and arms. I looked better on the out side. Then I wrapped my throbbing knuckles up with more bandages. Then a pain killer finished the look. I looked at the broken hairbrush and prayed that no one would notice the dent in the wall. With that I left to just walk around, maybe to the kitchen.

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Hunk was having a singing session. His voice rang from outside the kitchen. A juicy smell hit me and drew me in like a drug, but I can't eat.

"Lance you hungry" pidge was chilling on the bench. Short people sitting on the bench. I tried to stay to the shadows because if they saw my beat up completion they would ask things. It's not like they really cared.

"You want one" Pidge asked and offered a cookie.  My tummy begged for the food but if I ate I would just throw up.

"N-no Pidge" I held my hand up in Resignation. Her eyes flickered over me and then to my hand and its bandages. "Are you okay Lance" she asked. Her eyes looked cautiously over me. She was good liar, someone must have put them up to acting like they cared.

"I'm fine, Okay" my savage tone shone through, I was so done with everyone's fake care. The hallow and numbness was filed with fire, I was angry at them and myself. Why can't I just be better for them.

"Are you sure" hunk asked his eyes off his food and on me. "I told you I'm fine." Pidge reached her hand out to me, I swatted it away, making my cuts burn with contact and I stormed back to my room.

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I only wanted one thing and that's was to sleep and dream, nothing hurt in dreams so it was nicer. I locked my door and grabbed my pills. One went down smoothly and the drowsiness was like a bullet that's stuck my chest as I drifted back to sleep. My boy in red waiting for me in the garden of lavender.
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3rd person

The paladins of the lions and Princess Allura were all seated around the dining table. "So ummm" Shiro tried to start but everyone was silent. "Lance" Pidge brought up the subject they were all scared to start. "Im just going to say it something is really wrong, we saw him in the kitchen earlier and he was covered in cuts and bandages, he looked like he had been in a fight" said Pidge

Allura added " I talked to the mice and he was with blue most of today and he seemed... something was just wrong with him and I went to the bathroom earlier and a I found it in a state of horror, a broken hair brush and I large dent in the wall."

"I saw him earlier today in the sick bay and he was also covered marks, he took some bandages and just left with speaking, also my sleeping pills are missing" Shiro said.

Hunk joining in now, "he had been distant and spending more time training or in his room and he hasn't eaten in ages, I've been watching and he is sick almost".

Everyone talked but Keith. His silence was scary. Keith finally spoke up. "I hate to see him like this, he is not speaking, he trained  with me earlier today and he destroyed a dummy in under three second then walked away. And I grabbed his wrist a few days ago and he flinched."

Shiro swallowed hard and a guilty cloud hung over him. "We need to get him to speak, this could be my fault, I have been pushing us all lately but none as hard as Lance, I want to find his full potential but that's no excuse.... I think we just need a break. We all need a break".