I woke that morning. The same bad feeling sat in my stomach making me not want to touch food.

My heart and mind were not in the training exercise. I just couldn't find the motivation today.

We all finished our team exercise and Shiro gave feed back to us.

"Lance you need to do better okay, you didn't cover Pidge and in a real battle that's can cost another paladins life, just try to be more like Keith" Shiro Scolded. I wish I was more numb to those words. "Lance if I'm talking to you please LISTEN" yelled Shiro again. I didn't think I could look into his eyes without letting my emotion take control of me.

I jumped as a pressure rested on my shoulder. "Shiro lay of him" Keith defended me. I felt a strong pant of Sanctuary washing over me as Keith looked at me. Shiro and the other paladins just shrugged and turned their backs.

The tightness in my chest was so build up if I let out a sound it might all fall on me.

"Lance are you okay" Keith stood in Front me, his hand still on my shoulder. I just shrugged and turned my back before he could see me cry.

My emotions have been so pent up lately, it was like someone has been drilling a hole into my heart. I couldn't see the point of anything.

I undressed in my room. I dried tears on my cheeks and looked into the mirror. You could see my ribs and black rings In-circled my blue eyes, red staining them.

'Worthless scum, Shiro is right'

A voice hissed into my mind, "no no I-I am worth something" I tried to convince that voice.

'You can't lie to me, I'm you and I know you're worth nothing'

I had to block out the voice, now. I grabbed headphones and some music. I pulled myself in and sat on my bed.

I listened to heathers, yes yes I'm a musical freak but stories through song spoke to me.
The words of one song, Lifeboat really Described how I felt. (Up the top^)

I float in a boat
In a raging black ocean
Low in the water
With no where to go
The tiniest lifeboat
With people I know

Cold, clammy, and crowded
The people smell desperate
We'll sink any minute
So someone must go
The tiniest lifeboat
With the people I know

Everyone's pushing
Everyone's fighting
Storms are approaching
There's nowhere to hide
If I say the wrong thing
Or I wear the wrong outfit
They'll throw me right over the side

I'm hugging my knees
And the captain is pointing
Well who made her captain?
Still, the weakest must go
The tiniest lifeboat
Full of people I know
The tiniest lifeboat
Full of people I know

Bang bang bang

Three knocks smashed on the door. I didn't want to move, why should I move it's not like they want me there.

"Lance, Lance It's dinner" the only thing that made me want to get up was Keith's voice. I pulled on my jacket and saw my reflection. Perfect I needed to be perfect so no one could see.

Keith wasn't outside waiting for me but why would he want to walk with me. The feeling of emptiness was back again like a sickness.

The dining room was full of happy talk. Pidge and hunk had gotten closer so they talked about there smart people things. Shiro and Keith chatted about several knew ships. Allura and Coran were in deep conversation about their planet. No one wanted to talk to me so I sat away from the others.

I turned up my nose at the space goo. The hallow feeling didn't give me and Appetite.

'Imagine how much more imperfect you will be if you're fatter'

That voice was back. Part of me knew it was true, what that's voice said.

Nobody noticed I was even there, what else isn't different. The mice sat around me, they looked like they wanted to ask if I was okay.

'Look they care, that's a first for you'

"Shut up" I hissed to the voice.

I must have spoken louder then I though because the others turned to me. Their eyes surveyed me like I was trash. I turned away but one eye caught mine, Keith looked ....worried. Then Shiro cleared his throat and my sprit sank.

"Lance why were you late" he asked but the way he said it was like he didn't even care. I didn't want to speak because that's knot was tight in my chest again. "Lance you are a paladin there is no excuse for being lazy". White noise popped in my ears. "Lance just start pulling you weight okay" Shiro finished. Pidge giggled and turned back to hunk and whispered something in his ear that made him laugh.

'They are probably talking about what and embarrassment You are'

The others started to pick up the conversations again . I turned and looked back down at my shoes. Keith was looking at me, like he cared, none of them care about me really, why should they.

I left the table earlier and trudged back down to my room. The feeling something horrible was about to happen was filling me again. Why can I just be numb.

I grabbed my shower clothing and left for a soaking in the rinser.

No one was out in the hall so I didn't have to explain why I looked so thin.

I closed the door to the bathroom. I looked like shit in the mirror. When I saw my ghostly reflection pitifully staring back at me.

'Look at how ugly you are' 'you're so pathetic' 'why would anyone care for a useless nobody like you' 'why don't you just leave, they are happier without you' 'yeah why don't you just die'.

I felt so many emotions at once as the voice hissed these things. I bent over the sink and a scream escaped my lips. If god were real he would give me something I was good at but it's right I'm just a worthless waste of air.

I blindly stepped into the showers spray. I was so numb I could hardly tell of it was hot or cold. I tilted my head back at let the water run into my mouth. How long would I have to wait before it drowned Me.

I finished washing my hair, my ribs felt even more prominent then normal. I felt so numb like my insides were frozen. I dried my self and dressed then stepped out into the hallway.

The floor was cold, how strange I could feel external pain but my insides were paralysed.

My cold chest thawed as a familiar face was leaning against my door. "K-Keith what do you want" I questioned,

'What would he want to talk to a worthless retard like you about'

I pushed the voice and waited.

"I-I wanted to ask, well are you okay Lance" he eyes full of many concerns. "Yeah I'm fine, what makes you ask" I sputtered, if I said the words out loud they might come true. "Lance please remember that well-" he didn't finished because he threw his arms around me.

My heart lept and my insides burnt with strong emotions. A Euphoria was Entrancing me. "Well I hope you get the message" Keith was blushing furiously. He let go of me And walked to his his room.

I stumbled back into my room and fell onto bed. I felt like I was worth the world, I meant something to Keith. I was a frozen lake and he thawed me awake. I felt so inspired I grabbed my sketch book, pencils, rubber and sharpener. My hands moved for me and I drew the only thing that mattered in my lonely world.

I'm am nothing but Keith is everything. His little sly smile made everything in my worthless body feel alive. I am nothing. At that's moment in the dark Keith felt like a small pin prick of light shining down on my face.

So I'm basing this story off my own struggles. Hope you enjoy it.