chapter ix.
(   avengers   )

beside myself,  nowhere to go
ahh,       this   bleeding   heart
that's in my hands, i fell apart
flesh & bone — black math

shield helicarrier
may 3, 2012

All of us are in the lab a few minutes later. I sit on top of the work table as they all stare at me, expectantly, except for Dad who occasionally sends Fury dirty looks. Yep, he is definitely not pleased about my talking to the homicidal alien. He is literally standing about five inches from me, being all protective again. It's not that I mind all that much, but, Dude, give me room to breathe. Bruce is staring at me more intently than all the rest and I feel very guilty about how I'm probably making him feel. His name is all that I have said since my interrogation with Loki and that has to be a little unnerving, I'm sure.

My eyes feel sore and tired, like I've been staring into the sun for too long. My ears ache from the terrible ringing and my body feels exhausted. It's like I've been completely drained, and I feel so weak and helpless and stupid.

I scratch my hair, still trying to sort through the cluster of images I saw in my head. Some of them were of Dad murdering me, which is something I never want to see or even think about again. Some of them were my memories that Loki thought wise to drag up again. From Mama, to Edgar, to Howard and Grandma. It's not been overfly fun. Then some were his ideas of what he plans to do here now that we've got him stuck inside a glassy prison. There's just so much, but it's all disassembled. It's hard to piece all of the little bits together and it physically hurts when I try to.

"Well, Miss Stark?" Fury prompts after another long moment of silence, "What was it that he told you that none of the rest of us heard?"

Dad gives him another lingering dirty look.

My face scrunches up a little, "It was in my head, my thoughts. He was in my thoughts. Like, like," I shake my head which makes hair fall out of my braid and slap me in the face, "Um, like before. Like with," I point at Natasha who watches me with concern, "Like with A-Agent Barton!"

"Mind-control?" Steve asks, glancing from me to the others, "Like what happened in the facility?

"No, um," I press the thrusters to my forehead as I try to spit out my thoughts, "he wasn't controlling me, but he, he was in here somehow. I could, uh, um, s-see th-things and they were in flashes, flashes matching his words, matching,"

Dad rubs my back soothingly, but he still doesn't say anything.

I nod slowly, trying to calm myself down.

"Were they similar to visions?" Bruce asks, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Mm," I bite my lip, thinking, "Um, yeah, mmhm. I think so."

"Is that possible?" Natasha looks to Thor as if he has all the answers, "Can Loki make someone see visions without even touching them?"

"I do not know," he rests his chin in his hand, studying me, involuntarily making me feel smaller, "But it has been a long while since I have last seen my brother and his tricks. He could have learnt it from a place that I know not of during that time."

"What did you see?" Steve asks me cautiously, but it's like he already knows.

I can see the sympathy on his face and, as much as I appreciate it, I don't want to see it. My eyes slowly flicker up to Dad who tries to keep it together for my sake. His eyes are bright and shiny, like he almost wants to cry. He knows, or at least must be able to guess, what I saw. He heard what Loki was saying to me and it terrifies him as much as it terrifies me. He gives me a small smile and an encouraging nod. I let out a sigh and I rub my aching forehead. I mean, seriously? I already have awful memories, did Loki really need to add in fake ones?

"There, um, were," I'm still struggling to get my thoughts across, "j-just some memories from, you know," I look at Dad who nods understandingly.

No one else says anything. I think they all get it. Then I remember that they must. They read my father's file which apparently included a decent amount about me. And then they heard what Loki said too. Everyone knows everything.

"Any-anyways," I clear my throat and then wince as the pain returns, "I saw what, uh, Loki s-said."

There's a heavy silence as everyone takes in my words. Dad steps even closer to me, if that's possible. He studies my face for any fear that I might have of him, but I don't meet his eyes. For some reason, I feel guilty. I don't want him to feel the weight of knowing what Loki said he would make Dad do to me. I don't want him to feel the burden of knowing that I have the images of him slaughtering me in my head.

"And the rest?" Fury moves closer, "Miss Stark, unfortunately, we don't have time to wait. You need to tell us what it was that you saw right now."

I nod quickly.

"Seriously, Nick?! You put her into this mess! It's your fault he did this to her - any of this! Now just give her a minute!" Dad snaps, still glaring at Fury.

"No, no, I'm fine." I cringe as the pain resurfaces once more, "Ach, okay. He was, he was,"

Come on, why can't the words just come out of my mouth?

I drop my forehead against my hands, angrily, "God!"

"It's okay." Dad pushes my messy hair out of my face, "It's okay. Just take your time. It's fine. You're doing great." I give him a flat smile like I know he's lying, "No, I promise, you're good. Just take your time and focus."

Dad is surprisingly the only one actually patient. That's a very huge change for him. He's the most impatient person I know. Fury is getting antsy. So is Natasha, Bruce, Thor, and even good ol' Steve. They need answers and I'm the one who has them at the moment.

"Yeah, okay, I'm sorry, yeah." I swallow and nod again, "He's planning on, uh," I squeeze my eyes closed, trying to focus my mind, "stressing Doctor Banner."

I don't want to see his face.

I'll feel even worse.

"Stressing me?" Bruce asks surprised, "What?"

"No, uh, not 'stressing'." I sigh and shake my head, "He wants you to, well," I peek my eyes open so that I can look at him, "you know."

Bruce clenches his jaw in realization.

Oh, I feel like such a horrible person.

Natasha suddenly gives him a leveling stare, "You wanna think about removing yourself from this environment, Doctor?"

Bruce glares at her.

Dad rolls his eyes and moves back to his screens before eyeing Fury darkly, "I think it's time you explained yourself, don't you, Director?" His voice quickly builds, "I'm fine with you starting right at the moment when you decided that it was okay for you to send my sixteen year old into the same room as that psychopath!"

"Dad, I'm fine now." I turn to him.

"No! I'm sorry, but no, you're not!" He points from me to Fury, "None of what you have done is right and you know it; from Lisa to your other dirty little secrets."

Steve and I glance at each other, sharing a look.

Fury sends a glare right back at my father, "And what is that supposed to mean? What have you been doing, Mr. Stark?"

"Uh, kind of been wondering the same thing about you,"

"You're supposed to be locating the Tesseract,"

"We are," Bruce responds, distractedly, "The model's locked and we're sweeping for the signature now. When we get a hit, we'll have the location within half a mile."

We've almost found it?

Dad doesn't take his eyes off of Fury, "What is Phase Two?"

Suddenly Steve turns, picks up a dark bag he's been carrying, and he drops it onto the table. He unzips it and then an assault rifle is clattering against the metal beside me. It seems that that snooping that I caught him doing earlier paid off. I slide myself a little closer so that I can study it. It looks something like I've seen in pictures. Old pictures. Old pictures with HYDRA.

Steve glares at us all, "Phase Two is S.H.I.E.L.D. uses the cube to make weapons." He looks at Dad, snapping, "Sorry, the computer was moving a little slow for me."

My jaw drops.

Fury, you dirty, furry, little crook.

S.H.I.E.L.D. is planning on using the Tesseract to make weapons?

This is insane.

Now I don't even want to be on S.H.I.E.L.D.'s side anymore.

Fury quickly tries to explain, "Rogers, we gathered everything related to the Tesseract. This does not mean that we're,"

"I'm sorry, Nick," Dad interrupts before sliding the screen around to face all of us as we all turn to face him.

"What? Were you lying?"

The screen is full of information about exactly that. It shows how to make weapons based on the Tesseract's power. How wonderfully incriminating.

Steve scowls, "I was wrong, Director. The world hasn't changed a bit."

"Did you know about this?" Bruce motions to Natasha, the whole reason he's here.

I can understand why he's ticked. He was dragged here by her for a lie. He thought he'd be helping make peace, but instead he was helping find something that would make war. We all were.

Natasha only narrows her eyes at him, "Like I said, Doctor Banner, do you want to think about removing yourself from this environment?"

"I was in Calcutta, I was pretty well removed," Bruce nods, irritatedly.

She slowly steps closer to him, trying to convince him, "Loki's manipulating you."

"Come on, Nat!" I speak up, sliding off of the table so that I can stand by the older man, "You and Fury have been doing the exact same thing! To Bruce! To me! To my dad, Steve, Thor, everybody!"

Her face softens when she looks at me, but she quickly focuses back on Bruce, "You didn't come here because I bat my eyelashes at you. You made the choice."

"Yes, and I'm not leaving because suddenly you get a little twitchy," Bruce reaches across me to point with his glasses at the information on the screen, "I'd like to know why S.H.I.E.L.D. is using the Tesseract to build weapons of mass destruction."

There's a brief pause.

"Because of him." Fury suddenly snaps as he points at Thor.

Thor is just as confused as I am, "Me?"

"Last year, Earth had a visitor from another planet who had a grudge match that leveled a small town. We learned that not only are we not alone, but we are hopelessly, hilariously outgunned."

"My people want nothing but peace with your planet," Thor argues.

"But you're not the only people out there, are you? And, you're not the only threat. The world's filling up with people who can't be matched, they can't be controlled."

Dad crosses his arms over his chest, watching them.

"Like you controlled the cube?" Steve shoots.

"You're work with the Tesseract is what drew Loki to it, and his allies. It is the signal to all the realms that the earth is ready for a higher form of war!" Thor walks closer into the circle of us.

What? Whoa.

"A higher form?" Steve voices my own question, staring at them.

"You forced our hand," as Fury responds, I notice that Dad is catching on before the rest of us as he stares at the ground and slides his hands in his pockets, "We had to come up with something."

"A nuclear deterrent," Dad says mockingly as he squints and shakes his head slightly, "'Cause that always calms everything right down."

"Remind me again how you made your fortune, Stark?" Fury narrows his eye.

"Oh come on, Fury!" I come to Dad's defense, "Our weapons program, which has been shut down by the way, has nothing to do with this."

Steve walks closer, "I'm sure if he still made weapons, Stark would be neck deep in it,"

"Wait! Wait! Hold on! How is this now about me?" Dad asks, motioning to Steve as he steps closer.

"I'm sorry, isn't everything?" Steve tilts his head in my father's direction.

Ouch. Wow. I mean, I guess, a little, but seriously? Them are some fightin' words. Oh brother.

Dad lets out an irritated puff of air.

"I thought humans were more evolved than this," I roll my eyes at Thor's dumb insult.

"Excuse me!" Fury turns to face Thor as Natasha glares at him, "Did we come to your planet and blow stuff up?"

As ticked as I am with him, Fury makes a really good point.

"Did you always give your champions such mistrust?!" Thor asks in annoyance.

"It seems that way, doesn't it?" I agree, looking in Fury's direction.

"You understand we're a team, right?" Steve asks Dad.

"You're not my champion!" Fury responds to Thor.

"Are you all really that naive? S.H.I.E.L.D. monitors potential threats," Natasha snaps with her arms crossed over her chest.

Bruce crosses his arms over his chest, "Captain America is on the threat watch?"

"We are all," Natasha looks around.

"Wow, that's almost kind of flattering," I rub my forehead again.

"That's not your concern, Doctor, or yours, Miss Stark," Fury tells the two of us.

Bruce and I scowl at him.

"What's it about me that bothers you so much? I'm curious." Dad says to Steve snarkily, "You're on that list? Are you above or below angry bees?"

Steve clenches his fists, "Stark, so help me God, you make one more wisecrack,"

"Threat! Verbal threat! I feel threatened!"

"Show some respect."

"Respect? Respect what?!"

A low ringing begins in my ears and then the pain hits my head again. This isn't like before. This is fresh and new, like when Loki himself was in my brain. My head repeatedly twitches to side to the point where I can no longer control it. I step away from the arguing, pressing a hand to my temple.

"Oh, God," I whisper to myself as the pain intensifies.

I grip onto the edge of the table as my blue eyes slowly lift to see the scepter's blue light glowing.

"Oh, I'm starting to want you to make me," Dad's voice breaks through my confusion.

Leaning back into the work table, I painfully turn to see another argument building. Everyone else has become quiet, watching the scene before us unfold. This fight means more than just the surface level. This is a fight between a good man and the good man he was compared to. This is Dad fighting all of his father's words against him. This an argument of bitterness, anger, and disappointment. And no one can do anything to stop it now.

"Yeah," Steve slowly walks around Dad and tilts his nose up at him, "Big man in a suit of armor. Take that off, what are you?"

Dad slowly looks over at Steve without breaking his straight face, "Father, genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist."

Natasha makes a face and shrugs in agreement.

"I know guys with none of that worth ten of you,"

Trying to break the tension, I quickly spout, "Oh, Steve, really? I mean, I know Dad's a bit shorter and all, but ten of him?"

They all glare at me.

My brows and hands raise in surrender, "No? Not a good time? Right, no, sorry,"

Steve continues, ignoring me, "Yeah, I've seen the footage. The only thing you really fight for is yourself."

No. Not true. I grit my teeth in anger. That was way too far and completely untrue. Whatever teasing I had within me is now completely gone. Dad's eyes narrow just a bit. I feel my lips part as I go to argue, but I suddenly realize I have no place in this fight. Dad just stares at him, unblinking and unmoving. Fury blinks almost sadly and his shoulders lower just a little bit. Fury is protective of Dad in a way, I think. He knows that's not true too.

"You're not the guy to make the sacrifice play," Steve shakes his head.

Dad's eyes fall away from Steve's, unable to take the look of accusation.

A look I remember seeing on Howard's face so many times. Dad's brown eyes fall to my blue ones and we hold each other's gaze for just a moment before he looks down at his feet.

Steve keeps going, speaking with a disgust so familiar, "To lay down on a wire and let the other guy crawl over you."

Dad looks up, answering sharply, "I think I would just cut the wire."

Steve scoffs and glances around at us. Bruce shifts on his feet, watching them argue closely. He almost looks like he's getting ready for a fight. Natasha and I share a quick glance as she moves closer to me, looking like she's ready to shield me if a fight really does break out. My teeth are still gritted against each other and my hands are balled into fists.

"Always a way out," Steve smiles sarcastically before growing threatening, "You know, you may not be a threat, but you better stop pretending to be a hero."

I feel like all of the air has been sucked out of me.

Dad doesn't flinch, "A hero? Like you?"

Like Steve. Always like Steve.

Tony, why can't you be someone like him? Why can't you just act like the man I want you to be, Tony? Why can't you just be somebody I'd be proud of, Tony? If only you were like him, a man of character, a man of honor. Tony, why can't you just be a hero like him? Why can't you just be like him?

"You're a lab rat, Rogers," Dad steps closer and spits out, "Everything special about you came out of a bottle!"

Steve stares at him, "Put on the suit, let's go a few rounds."

I can see Dad careen forward a little, just itching to fight him. They don't break eye contact and Dad has a tight jaw. My hands go back up to squeeze my aching temples. Suddenly Thor's booming laughter is in my ears. Steve and the rest of us look over at him while Dad is still glaring at his father's friend.

"You people are so petty," Thor squints, tilts his head, and smiles mockingly, "and tiny."

I let out a pained sigh. Dad looks away from Steve and raises his eyebrows, irritated with himself. He rubs his forehead with the back of his hand and steps back.

I'm still holding my head when Bruce mutters, "Yeah, this is a team."

I scoff in agreement before Steve glares back at us.

Nick motions from Bruce to Natasha, "Agent Romanoff, would you escort Doctor Banner back to his,"

"Where? You rented my room," Bruce motions down the hall.

Fury sighs, trying to explain in exasperation, "The cell was just in case,"

"In case you needed to kill me, but you can't! I know! I tried!"

We all look at him in sadness. My pain once again is forgotten as I stare at the broken man beside me, and I see a very familiar vulnerability and anger in him. He realizes that he's said more than he wanted to. His face flashes with quick emotion before he glances around at everyone as if to see what we are all thinking. I keep my face blank, trying to hide whatever shock or sadness I feel. I don't want him to think I'm judging him.

He hesitantly tries to explain while crossing his arms over his chest again, "I got low. I didn't see an end, so I put a bullet in my mouth and the other guy spit it out! So I moved on. I focused on helping other people. I was good until you dragged me back into this freak show and put everyone here at risk!"

He moves back against the desk and my eyes slowly follow his hand. The pain in my head is growing worse and worse while Bruce is getting more and more upset. My eyes flit from his hand and up to his face that is surrounded in nearly graying dark curls. Maybe it's because I understand what it's like to not have control that I'm not afraid as I look at him, but I can see everyone else tensing.

"You wanna know my secret, Kid?" his voice asks with more breath in it, like he's getting angry, "You wanna know how I stay calm?"

I see everyone reposition themselves. Fury and Natasha rest their hands on the guns strapped to their belts. Thor and Steve straighten out their shoulders, preparing for a fight. Dad slowly steps through the others, cautiously making his way to me.

"Doctor Banner," Steve calls out carefully, "Put down the scepter."

Bruce looks down and his face is shocked to find the scepter in his hand.

I gently place a hand on his arm so I don't startle him or make him think that I'm coming off aggressive. I kindly move to take the scepter from him, but, as soon as my fingers touch it, pain shoots up my arm and attacks my head. My head jerks to the side as the flashes once again appear before my eyes. There's this horrible and incessant ringing and I think I can hear someone screaming inside my head, but it's not me.

Oh God, I wish it were me.

I let out a quiet cry, squeezing my eyes closed. Bruce quickly sets the scepter down, putting it far out of reach. Dad slides over and grips my shoulders, pulling me close to his side. All of the air seems to leave my being and the pain grows worse. Visions continue to flash through my mind and I'm almost positive my brain is about to explode.

"Oh God!" I cry out, pressing a fist to my head as the ringing grows louder and louder and louder, "God!"

"Lees," Dad panickedly calls my name, "Lisa! Lees, come on, Smalls,"

"What is it? What's happening to her?" Steve asks worriedly.

"It's there! It's still there! No, no, it's still in there!" I yell, feeling my head shift back and forth as new images come and fill up my thoughts.

"It is possible that she's still connected to Loki's mind," Thor quickly suggests.

"Or to the scepter." Natasha speaks in a harsh tone.

"Do something then!" Dad snaps to nobody in particular.

"Ugh, make it stop! Make it stop!" I slam my fist against the table before crying out again.

Bruce shakes his head, "I don't know if there is anything we can do! I-I've never seen anything like this before,"

"You've seen it now! Figure it out!" Fury demands, his low voice rumbling.

Dad mumbles to me as more visions attack my senses, making me feel like I'm being pulled far away from reality, "Hold on, Baby, hold on. I'm here, I'm here," I clasp panickedly to his hands, trying to pull myself back to where he is, "Smalls, just hold on."

One final piece slides into place in my mind and I can practically hear the click as it adjusts with all of the other pieces. With the complete puzzle now in view, I can understand all of Loki's plan for what he's going to do here today. Oh no. My eyes fly open, a brighter blue than before, and I'm left gasping. I desperately grab onto Dad's and Bruce's shoulders.

"The Tesseract," I look out the window to the open sky, "It's here!"

That's when the helicarrier explodes.

Cliff hanger (sort of)! I loved writing about what the daughter of Tony Stark would be thinking during this argument, how she would see Tony and how she would feel his pain. It was just so beautiful and sad to write. What did you think?

And now Lisa is seeing things! What the heck? Welcome to the rest of her life.

So, tell me, what did you think? Vote, COMMENT, and follow!

Hopefully I don't update super late tomorrow because I am AGAIN traveling out of country  (ugh), but I'll do it as soon as I can! K, bye!

But before you go...Funny Thingamabob (it's DC but it speaks to my soul):

Same here, Batman, same here