layout inspired by -rosepetal

JOEY: We're playing Scrabble. It's a nightmare.
PHOEBE: Scrabble? Scrabble's great.
JOEY: Not when you're playing with Marty, it's not. They put words like 'ephemeral' and I put 'dog'.

―

PHOEBE: You know you can die from that, right?
CHANDLER: [ smoking a cigarette ] That's the point.
RACHEL: [ drinking alcohol ] We're trying to speed this up.
MARTY: [ Eating raw cookie dough and nodding ]

―

COMPUTER: Please enter a password.
MARTY: [ types in JOEY ]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak.
MARTY: How fucking DARE YOU-

―

MARTY: Did you know spiders can hold 8 guns at once?
MONICA: How does it WALK??
MARTY:
MARTY: Did you know spiders can hold 7 guns at once?

―

MARTY: Why does my arm shake and turn bright red when I'm eating dirt?
ROSS:
ROSS: Why are you eating dirt?
MARTY: Did I ask you if I should eat dirt? No, so answer my question.

―

MARTY: What's your biggest fear?
RACHEL: I am incredibly arachnophobic.
MARTY, under their breath: You don't want spiders to get married?

―

MARTY: Do dragons fart fire?
CHANDLER: I don't know.
MARTY: I thought you went to college.

―

JOEY: What did you order this morning?
MARTY: What do you mean?
JOEY: I heard you answer the door, and I sensed food.

―

MARTY: Okay. Hypothetically speaking, how mad would you be if I burned a hot pocket so badly it could probably fall off a ten-story building and be completely fine?
ROSS: MARTY, what did you do?
MARTY: Take a guess.

―

CHANDLER: Is this your plan B?
JOEY: Technically, this is plan P.
CHANDLER: Plan P? Is there a plan M?
JOEY: Yes, but I marry MARTY in plan M.
MARTY: I like plan M.

―

MARTY: [ lifting weights ]
JOEY: Wow... she's so intense!
RACHEL: I wonder what drives her.
MARTY, internally: Oh I am going to be SO good at giving hugs.

―

MONICA: What's worse than a heartbreak?
MARTY: Stepping on a cat's tail and not being able to explain that you're sorry.

―

MARTY: Hey, wanna hear a funny joke?
PHOEBE: I only like dark humor.
MARTY, turning the lights off: What do you call a fake noodle?
PHOEBE:
MARTY: An IMPASTA!

―

MARTY: *eating a cinnamon roll*
MONICA: Cannibalism.
MARTY: *confused chewing noises*

―

MARTY: Since we're in a relationship now, your clothes are my clothes too. Don't ask me why I have your shirt on, this is our shirt.
JOEY: Fine, but when I come strutting in with your fuzzy socks I don't want to hear shit.

―

KIDNAPPER: We have your child
MONICA: I don't have a child?
KIDNAPPER: Then who just asked for warm milk and made us cut the crusts off their sandwich?
MONICA: Oh god, you have Marty!

―

MARTY: [ Reading a letter ]
PHOEBE: Well, what does it say?
MARTY: It's a confession letter. It turns out Ross killed my pet rock.

―

MARTY: Operation no more distractions is a go!
*not even 10 seconds later*
MARTY: Oh, look! A butterfly!

―

MARTY, singing to the tune of I Kissed a Girl: I killed a guy, and I liked it-
JOEY, whispering: Should we call the exorcist?
CHANDLER, also singing: The taste of his cherry chapstick.
MONICA, appalled: Call the exorcist.