I was the first person in place.

It was unusual. But the check-in was from two pm, and since we started filming at six, I thought I might as well take advantage of the luxurious room.

It was at a different hotel this time. Less princessy and white but much more modern, all glass and metal and sharp colours.

This suite had an actual, separate bedroom that was enormous with a big bed. I stood at the end of it, frowning, playing with my tongue piercing while fingering my industrial. I imagined Izuna in that bed, so fragile-looking but still able to take so much fucking.  It created a weird sensation, the fact that he looked so inexperienced yet was so frightfully skilled. I had to admit, at least to myself, that I found it a bit embarrassing that he was more experienced than me when it came to men.

I put my hands on the bed, stroke the sheets, imagined that I stroke the smell of him that would linger on it afterwards. I imagined finding a hair that was his, taking it between my fingers, letting it drop to the ground. I didn't know why, but imagining finding little pieces of him here made me erect to the skies. I unbuckled my belt, pulled my trousers down, lay down on my back on the bed. I closed my eyes, leaned my head back and groaned as I grabbed myself and started beating softly. Yes, I was filming soon, but if I didn't come now I would come as soon as I saw his pretty fucking face. I started to moan, building and building myself higher and higher up until my head was among the clouds and the pit in my stomach became an ocean of whirlpools that tickled my nerve endings. I grabbed the sheets with my free hand until my veins bulged, held my breath...

I was just about to fall down from the height I'd built up when the door to the hotel room opened. I wasn't ashamed of what I was doing so I didn't hurry to make myself decent, but I did release my erection, leaned my head back into the amazing pillow and hissed, heavily disappointed.

"Someone's shoes", I head someone say; Will. "Tobirama is in here somewhere."

"Or maybe Izuna."

"No, his feet aren't that fucking big."

"Oyy!" I said out loud.

"There he is!" Will entered the room, and as he saw my erect state, he raised an eyebrow. "I'm not paying you for that."

I couldn't help but grin.

"I've made you reach the stars, Will. I can demand anything."

"Then demand something I can actually give you. Like red toiled paper as Beyoncé did."

"I'm too famous to know who Beyoncé is."

"Shut up", Will smiled.

I smirked, stood up and pulled up my trousers, buckled my belt.

"I'm taking a walk", I said. "I need to set my mind straight."

"But not too straight. We're doing gay porn."

The walk was amazing. It was a splendid spring day, so I allowed myself to do something as controversial for a hot porn star as enjoying the budding trees in my surroundings. I liked that bright green of fresh buds against a light sky, as if the leaves and the sky would've been exactly the same shade if the saturation was drained from the world and only black and white was left. I felt nervous as I got closer to the hotel when it was time to film, but it took me a while to even realise what it was I was feeling; I wasn't used to being nervous.

It took me even longer to realise I was nervous because of Izuna.

I felt I walked much faster than I usually did, eager to see him. As I entered the hotel, I was too restless to take the elevator, so I took the stairs instead, two steps at a time, even if we were on the eighth floor.

I opened the door, and...

He was there.

I didn't know why I was surprised. Maybe a part of me thought of him like an imaginary creature, that he was just too pretty to actually exist.

And he was pretty, sitting in the makeup chair, our makeup artist covering his neck and shoulders in a light, glittery powder that made him look devourable. His lips were glossy, and he had a hint of smoke on his eyelids.

I whistled, which made him jerk.

"Hi", he said, looking down.

I smiled warmly. He's shy. It woke something within me.

"Hi", I said darkly. "You loo lovely."

"Thank you", he whispered, blushing deliciously which made me mad with lust. 

I tried to get a grip on myself, telling myself not to be ridiculous but to no use. I was intoxicated with this boy. My mind started spinning with thoughts about things I wanted to do to him then, so quickly that I couldn't grab any of them. But just as I felt that I was about to catch something, someone cleared their throat behind me, freeing me from my dark thoughts. It was Will, standing with his arms crossed. 

"We're doing something else today", he said. We had gotten no manuscript sent to us this time, Will wanting us to act without one. But I could feel something radiate from Izuna behind me as I stood turned to Will, but I had no idea what it was. Excitement? Curiosity? "Kinks."

I smirked a little. I hadn't done that a lot, at least not as an actor, and what I had done was rather vanilla, like tying wrists with rope. I knew, however, that kinks could be all sorts of things, and the porn industry was very, very niched. But to make a hugely successful porn film, you couldn't go into those niches, so I knew that whatever Will chose to do, it was probably commonly thought of as hot.

"What kind of kinks?" 

I frowned and turned to Izuna who had spoken. It wasn't his question per se that got to me, but the way he had said it. He seemed very timid, very careful... Frightened, even.

And he looked like he was frightened, too.

Something is up with Izuna...

I immediately noticed. Will, however, did not. 

"Slapping in the face. Spitting on you. Degrading you."

He said it so casually, even I reacted.

"Degrading me, how?" Izuna asked. 

I kept looking at him. He didn't at all look at the verge of tears, but rather a little panicked, his eyes glassy, his eyebrows tense. 

"Calling you names, such as his slut." Coming from Will, who looked so professional, was painfully funny to me. But I couldn't laugh. Don't you notice? How can you not notice? Why haven't you told me this before now? Why haven't you told HIM?  "I'll leave that to Tobirama. He's the pro."

I looked at Izuna. I had always kept myself professional at work. But at no point had any of the girls I'd been with showed discomfort. Yes, I could slap Izuna. I could slap him so bad. I could spit in his mouth, force him to take it with my hand around his throat. I could call him my dirty little fucking whore. And I had to, as it was my job. 

But Izuna was clearly hesitant. More than hesitant; Izuna was frightened.

I wished they'd given me time to think. I wished they'd given me time to prepare. I wished they'd given me some time to spend a minute with my brain.

But they didn't. They didn't even want makeup on me, so within the minute, I found myself in bed with Izuna. He captured my eyes once.

Then, he looked away.

I did everything right. I went down with my hand along his thigh and suddenly exchanged that caress for a slap. I grabbed his chin harshly, licked his cheek to own him. I forced his head down to take me into his mouth. I fucked him as I forced his jaw open, hovered with my lips over his and let a sliver of spit run into his mouth, which he willingly took. I slapped him so hard in his face, he couldn't speak for a few seconds, a short timespan I used to force him on all four so I could fuck him from behind. I threw him around on the bed, taking him any way I wanted.

"Look at you, being a slut for me", I said.

"Only for you", Izuna said.

Only afterwards would I realise what an incredible actor Izuna was to say this despite his state of mind. But at the time, it egged me on.

"Shut up, filthy whore. Don't you dare speak to me. I'll be the only man who'll ever have you. Filth."

I spat on him again.

And on I went. I left bruises all over his body, not following them up with loving kisses. I left a trail of teeth marks along his arm. I left his neck free as I didn't know whether he had a real job to attend to tomorrow, but I left marks wherever I could that could be easily covered. I fucked him senseless. I forgot about the team around us, but for a completely different reason than last time. Last time had been because the sex had been so good. 

This time, it was because I couldn't stop sensing that something was wrong. 

"You're done..." It was Will, and I couldn't help feeling relief. 

I got up of the bed, but Izuna stayed put. I had my back to him, unable to look at him, feeling something that felt suspiciously like guilt.

It's your job, I tried to tell myself. You had no choice.

Oh, honey boo, another voice in my heard said. Of course you had a choice.

But I hadn't had any clue what to do. I had never been put in a situation like that, and it had been so quick. It wasn't an excuse, but it was the way it was. And I was ashamed of it. I should have acted differently. But in the moment, I didn't know how.  

I turned round. 

"Izuna."

But Izuna had gotten up, a towel around him, and staggered to the bathroom.

I heard him throw up in there. 

"I'm leaving", I said, quickly pulling my trousers up, putting my shirt on, and without even buttoning it, I just left the hotel room. 

In the corridor, I realised something. 

Izuna hadn't looked me in the eye once while we fucked.