2 - Dubious

Dropping my day clothes, I scooped up the chain splayed underneath my bag of toiletries. Shivers crawled up my spine and my hand suddenly felt like it was lifting a blue whale. With the gold links snaked across my palm, I studied the heirloom. It was my late mother's and she passed it down to me on her deathbed. Staggering backward, the bend of my knees bumped into the edge of the mattress. Anything but fond memories sprang before my eyes. I couldn't curb my brain from spiraling out of control, the broken links and tarnished chain jerking me back to one of many nightmares.

My neck lurched back when Jim snatched my chain collar. A strangled yelp left my mouth, the sound muffling the scream I would have cried had he snatched my braid instead. Sputtering, I wedged my fingers underneath the links and grasped the golden noose. Tugging with futile efforts to slacken its grip, I teetered into his chest. My eyes rolled back when my knuckles crushed my windpipe. Spots clouded my vision as my fight weakened, my toes skidding across the hardwood as my legs buckled. Tears leaked out of my eyes as I clawed for oxygen and consciousness.

My ears never caught Jim's words, but I sure as hell heard the howl of my pendant snapping when he jolted the choker with too much tension. A flood of air inflated my lungs as I doubled over, choking on the sudden release. Too dazed and out of breath to multitask, I wasn't aware that I was falling until my hip ploughed into the floor. But it wasn't the floor, I found out after tumbling head over heels a few times.

It all happened so fast. One second I was splayed at the base of the stairs, the next, Jim's nose was inches away from mine. Our sweat mingled together as he pinned me, whispering all sort of vile names fluent to my ears. I twisted my head to the side, unable to look at him, unable to let myself see his infuriated face, unable to admit that he was a monster. My pleas for forgiveness and impossible promises tore through the air when he fisted his looped belt.

Wham!

"Crikey!" I yelped. If I had not been so out of breath, I would have shrieked. Refocusing my eyes, reminding myself that that ordeal was long over, I cupped my bruised neck concealed by makeup. With an unsteady breath, I watched as my daughter waddled into the bedroom, assuaging my conscience that I was fully present, not in the past, that I was in Elicia's house, in Illinois, not in Nebraska. Jim was not here. He was not here. For everyone's sake, I prayed he never would be.

"Mommy!" Jimmy's voice travelled from downstairs.

Glad to finally have something else to grab my attention, I hopped off the bed. Walking to the stairs, I calmed my nerves as I went.

"Dinner's ready!" he said.

I scooped up Sally and headed to the dining room. Had Jimmy not pulled me into Elicia's traditional living room, I would have searched for a while. El explained that she had abandoned the notion of incorporating a formal room when she and Owen had purchased the land. Practicality, she stressed.

So, like peas in a pod, the four of us squished onto the sofa, Sally opting for my lap instead of being sandwiched in between Jimmy and me. Whilst 101 Dalmatians played, we dug into our cheese pizza.

El's husband sauntered in during the last twenty minutes of the film. After exchanging pleasantries, she stepped out with him and promptly returned. With a small smile, Owen nodded at me, regarding me with curious eyes that looked weary but kind. He seemed like a nice gentleman, and in all honesty, he was easy on the eyes ... just like Jim.

However, with Owen's height and build so similar to my husband's, my eyes and ears were on high alert, pricked up like a dog's, waiting for something terrible to ensue. Whilst my subconscious knew that Jim was not sitting a mere five feet away, logic simply could not deter my paralysing anxiety nor my thundering heartbeat. The black room was my mind's worst enemy.

Once the film finished, I tucked in the children and met El and Owen downstairs. I had not gotten much of a word in except a small "Hey" before Owen dismissed himself to 'finish up some chores in the stables' at Elicia's request. From the stare El gave him, that excuse was exactly that. An excuse.

Over a cup of Earl Grey tea, El began her interrogation. "What the fuck did that bastard, Jim, do?" Blunt as a buck knife, that was Elicia Harris when her comedy mask rested.

Sucking on my lip, I held my breath, not totally sure which event she wanted me to explain. "I don't even know how I got into this mess."

"Does he know I live in the States?"

I shrugged. "I don't know, but it wouldn't matter either way. He has friends working in the Bureau." Jim was like a bloodhound. Once he caught the scent of his prey, he sniffed them out. He could link a turned over trash bin to a raccoon.

"How much time did you put between Jim and you?"

The clock meant diddly squat when that man was on a mission. "He was asleep when the kids and I left." The prospect that he was on my trail already made my temples throb.

"If that son of a bitch comes around here, I'll make sure he's gone for good." The darkness in her eyes avowed a permanent solution.

"El, don't talk like that. No matter how much I hate what he does to me, Jim is the father of my children." I could never regret the birth to those two incredible kids. They kept me going in the darkest of days. "Besides, no one deserves to die like a dog."

"Isn't that what he is!" She slammed the bar so hard our mugs jumped.

My heart seized and I recoiled. I had been balancing on two chair legs, a quirk that had miffed the nuns during my youth. Apparently, the slaps to my hands were not nearly enough to dissuade my unladylike mannerism. Crashing with a thunderous clap, the mid rail smacked the tiles. Groaning, I rolled off the spindles pinching my spine whilst the sound of scuffling pulsed in my temples.

"Thanks a lot, gravity," I muttered.

"Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry!" Scampering to my side, Elicia's hands wrapped around mine as she helped me stand. "Are you alright?"

Nodding, I teetered to the counter, trying my best not to stumble.

"Let me see," El said. Pointing to the standing stool, she advanced toward me.

"Nah, I'm fine." Flashing my palms, I commanded her to stay put.

"Sit the fuck down. Don't make me do this the hard way," Elicia snapped.

With a rueful sigh, I scooted to her seat, a bit too traumatised to return to mine.

Rummaging through her cabinets, Elicia whipped out a kit with a faded, white cross. Her eyebrows knitted together as she scraped my former chair in front of me. Without a second thought or waiting for me to protest, she tugged my hoodie and vest out of my trousers.

"Sh-Shit," she said. Her hands froze and her eyes enlarged to the size of a full moon. "What did he hit you with?" Elicia screeched. Her shrill hiked three pitches higher than a piglet's squeal.

The only response I could muster from my tied tongue was a harsh, "Shh! The kids!"

"No, don't you dare shush me!" Slapping away my hands, Elicia gritted her teeth whilst she inspected my flank. "This looks really bad."

"It's fine," I said.

"Dammit, Andy, you need a doctor! These could get infected! Especially around here!" she cried.

Elicia had me there. Attempting to lighten the possible severity of the situation, I said, "I put some cream on it last night and before I left."

"What did Jim use?"

I wondered if I should lie, sustain her curiosity with a fib, soft pedal reality.

"Fuck, Andy, answer me!" Releasing my hoodie, Elicia gripped my shoulders, jerking them with her eyes piercing mine.

Sighing, I knew I could not sweep my secret under the rug. She deserved better. I owed her my honesty. Covering El's hands with mine, I whispered, "A belt." Pursing my lips, I lowered my gaze, fixing my stare onto the seams of my sweatpants.

Elicia jumped up, knocking the chair back. The woodcraft wobbled but stayed upright. "That fucking son of a bitch! If I ever get my hands on him, I swear on my great Mammie's grave-"

"Jimmy." I said his name so soft that I barely heard it, so how Elicia detected it over her ranting astonished me. "Jimmy saw him do it," I added.

"Hit you?" Her question earned my confirmation. "How much?"

Sucking in a breath, the air pinched at my lungs. "I-I don't know." Scrubbing my face, I squeezed my eyes shut. The candid horror captured in my seven-year-old's eyes competed with the physical pain. The memory imprinted in my head, the reason for the lack of sleep I had gotten. "He was so ... frightened."

The admission seemed to dampen Elicia's violent impulses. "Have you talked to him about it?"

Shaking my head, I rubbed my neck. "I don't think he remembers. I mean, he didn't act any differently when I woke him this morning."

Knitting her eyebrows together, Elicia plopped onto her seat. "Do you think he just mentally blocked it out?"

"God I hope so. They never saw Jim hit me." Well, not at the same time, anyway. "Sure we argued in front of the kids, but we tried our best not to."

"I'm so sorry, Andy," she resolved. A solemn silence sank the air, weighing down both of us. "How long?"

Scrunching my nose, I regarded her. "Too long." With a bitter laugh, I scowled at the cabinets behind my best friend. "It just kept getting worse each year." Shifting my gaze, I pursed my lips. "Until we found out I was pregnant with Jimmy. Things were always better when I was pregnant." Correction. When Jim knew I was.

"Andy, d-did he rape you?" The words stringing together were as foreign to fathom as to muster.

Sniffling, I wiped away fallen tears and with it, my entire wall of defence. "Once I said no." I paused, eying her.

Her rigid body prompted me to continue, or perhaps that was my brain craving to reveal my suppressed secrets.

"And he beat me until I passed out." Swallowing, I licked my lips. "So, is it really called rape if you don't object?" It was rhetorical, but a part of me wasn't entirely sure, maybe didn't want to know. Legalities were Jim's passion, not mine. Stone-faced, I shifted my attention to the pink dog on my thigh.

"Why did you stay?" El shot up again while wringing her fingers.

I wanted to confess my children, employment, finances, travel, anything else but "love is blind". Of course, all of those excuses were serious considerations, but after shit hit the fan, I still loved Jim Halstead.

"How could you love a man that beats you, Andy? That makes absolutely no fucking sense!" Elicia's distraught tone made me realise her aim was not to add insult to injury. She was just trying to wrap her head around it like I was.

"El, the thing is, Jim isn't an awful man. Years into our marriage, the feelings I had while dating him lingered. I would still blush when he'd take off his lunch break to visit me at the library. Sometimes, he brought a bouquet and smuggled in my favourite chocolates before running back to the station house." My heart felt like it was tearing in two directions.

"There were so many days he cherished me, far exceeding the ones I felt like he didn't." Perhaps my devotion from growing up Catholic fuelled my motivation to make the marriage work? Grunting, I scolded myself for blaming the religion.

Readjusting my wrinkled shirt, I tucked it into my trousers in an otiose attempt to obscure my scars from my mind. "Plus, he's wonderful around the kids."

Jim was a brilliant family man: affectionate, encouraging, intelligent, kind, a model dad - Father of the Year material. Jimmy jr. idolised the guy, but he had no reason not to. Sally was too young, had less time to admire him, I supposed. Somehow, I was aware she liked daddy dearest a bit less than her brother. Regardless, they adored him ... and I did too.

"Did he ever abuse them?"

"He never laid a stern hand on either of them. Moreover, I can hardly remember a time where he's spoken unreasonably cross."

Elicia folded her arms over her chest, unimpressed with my report. "Well, if they're anything like you, I bet they don't fall out of line often."

She had a point. I was not a 'goody, goody' girl, but I had never made a habit of intentional rebellion, even as a child. Furthermore, neither one of my children displayed any serious behavioural issues. They were not perfect, but as far as the world was concerned, Jimmy and Sally were angels.

"I promised myself that if either one of them saw Jim get out of control, I'd leave."

"I'm glad you stuck to-"

I stopped her. "Jimmy saw him do it twice, lose his temper like that. The first time it had been the tail end of a slap, but he told me he was scared when I tucked him in. So, I rang you."

"Didn't they see the bruises before? They'd have to be blind to not notice!"

"Sometimes. I mean, I tried to hide them, but I don't think they understood anyway."

"Well, don't let them come to understand it! Why wait until they saw him hurt you?"

"I loved Jim. Plus, realistically, I could never support them on my own. I'm barely breaking even to afford another three bus tickets, let alone their next breakfast."

"You dope! I'm your goddamn friend, not some tax collector! I'm not gonna make you pay to stay here or for you all to eat!"

"Elicia, I know you live off your land, but with the three of us, that's tripling what you'd have to produce and what you lose in profit."

She shook her head. "And if I'd been so fuckin' concerned with balancing my budget, I would have turned you down flat. I don't give one flying monkey about money, so don't you worry your pretty mind about it. I promise there's plenty of food for a while."

With a grateful smile and a fuzzy heart I hugged her, catching her off guard. "Thank you so much, Elicia. Obviously, I don't have much, but is there anything I can do to repay your generosity?"

"Be the person you were before that brute ruined you." She peeled off me and stared into my eyes. "I want my childhood friend back."

Thinning my lips, I nodded. "I'll try."

"Good. Now, off to bed with you. You've had an incredibly long day." With a last hug, she proffered a flashlight. "See you in the morning."

"Goodnight El," I said. As I trekked upstairs, I felt the backpack of rocks slide off my shoulders. "Thanks again." My whisper fell onto deaf ears.

A/N: Shout out to SallyMason1, who's name should sound quite familiar by now, lol! This lovely lady not only inspired my youngest character but helped me fix up the previous chapter! You can thank her for the flashback idea. 😙

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