Aligagang-aligaga si Red habang naghihintay sa labas ng emergency room. She was pacing back and forth, while biting her nails. Hindi niya alam ang gaagawin kung sakaling makunan si Santina. Kahit pa inis siya rito, buntis pa rin ito. She's still carrying a child inside her.

She should have listened to Vico. Sana ay naging mas mahinahon siya.

"Red, pwede bang kumalma ka? You can't undo what happened by pacing back and forth," Vico told her.

She glared at him. "Ikaw kasi! I told you I don't want to talk to her!"

"O, naninisi ka na naman?"

Sumimangot siya. "Vico, baka hindi kayanin ng konsensya ko kapag nalaglag ang bata."

Hinila siya nito and gave her a one-arm hug. "It's not your fault, Red."

"I should not have shouted at her."

Ano na lang ang mangyayari kung sakaling maagasan si Santina? Troy might be angry with her. Siya ang huling taong nakita nito bago mangyari ang insidente. Of course, they'd put the blame on her. And then what? Wala nang kasal? Game over na?

She really didn't want to think about it, but she could not think about anything else at the moment.

Nang lumabas ang doktor ay halos mangadapa siya sa paglapit dito.

"How is she, Doc? Will she be all right? Yung baby?"

"Don't worry," malumanay nitong sabi. "They're both fine. Malakas ang kapit ng bata."

Nakahinga siya nang maluwag.

"Are you, by any chance, related to the patient?"

Umiling siya. "No, but we contacted her family. They'll be here any minute."

Santina was transferred to a private ward after. Sagot na niya ang bayad sa ospital. Vico told her that she didn't need to, but she has to, in order to appease her guilt.

Maya-maya ay dumating si Antoinette. Nang makita siya nito ay sinugod kaagad siya nito ng sabunot.

"Wala kang patawad! Pati buntis pinapatulan mo!" she lamented.

"Hey, hey, hey!"

Pumagitna si Vico at pinigilan ang kamay ni Antoinette na isasampal sana sa kanya.

"It's not her fault!"

"Stop defending your heartless cousin, for fuck's sake!" angil nito kay Vico.

"Kung wala akong puso, e di sana hinayaan ko na lang na maagasan ang anak mo!" depensa niya.

Bumaling sa kanya si Vico. "Red, shut up," saway nito.

"E sya kasi!"

"It's partly your fault kasi hindi ka nag-hold back kahit alam mong buntis sya," pangangaral nito.

"Kanino ka ba kampi?"

Vico sighed. Hindi siya nito sinagot. Bagkus ay humarap ito kay Antoinette at ito ang kinausap.

"Your daughter's sick, ma'am. I suggest na imbes na manisi ka ng ibang tao, just focus on her welfare. You're the mother, after all. It's your responsibility."

Antoinette was muted for a moment. Pairap itong pumasok sa kwarto ni Santina, leaving the two of them outside.

"Are you okay?" tanong ni Vico maya-maya.

"My scalp stings," she answered.

Ngumiti ito. "Ikaw kasi, sumagot-sagot ka pa."

"Instead of being thankful kasi, nanabunot pa sya."

"Intindihin mo rin kasi. Nanay siya. Of course, she'll be worried about her daughter, lalo na't dala-dala nun yung apo nya. If you're in her situation, you'd do a lot worse."

She can't say the same. Wala pa kasi sya sa ganoong sitwasyon. Siguro nga, mas malala pa ang gagawin niya kung sakali.

"Still, pwede namang hindi na manabunot." She rubbed her head. It still stings a little. Akala niya ay madadala na ang anit niya kanina.

"Anyway, did you call Troy?"

She shook her head. "Natatakot ako e. Baka magalit sya sa 'kin."

"Gaga. Hindi yun magagalit sa 'yo, 'no. It was Santina who came to you, asking you to give Troy to her. Tingin ko mas magagalit si Troy sa 'yo kung pumayag ka sa pakiusap ni buntis."

Sana nga ay tama ito. Kahit pa mahal siya ni Troy, kaibigan at kamag-anak pa rin nito si Santina. That still matters.

"Okay, I'm going to call him."

She dialled his number. Unang ring pa lang ay sinagot na nito ang tawag.

"Troy—"

"Are you okay?" bungad nito. "I heard about Santina. Red, it's not your fault."

Kumunot ang noo niya. Why does everyone feel the need to assure her?

"It's partly my fault," sabi niya.

"It's not. You need to stop taking the blame," he insisted. "Nandyan na ba si Tita?"

"Yeah."

"Did she say something bad to you?"

"No," pagsisinungaling niya. Vico's right. Antoinette just reacted like a mother. Problemado na nga ito kay Santina, ayaw na niyang dagdagan pa.

"Good. Sa elevator na 'ko. I'll see you in a while."

"Okay."

Naupo sila ni Vico at hinintay si Troy. Her cousin held her hand. It was a simple gesture, but she felt a lot stronger. Now she understands why they don't want her to take the blame. When her mom died, inako niya iyon. She took the blame.

When her dad favored Vince more than her, sarili rin niya ang sinisi niya. She made herself believe that she wasn't good enough.

And now she's taking the blame for what happened to Santina, dahil siya ang huli nitong nakausap and their conversation wasn't exactly pleasant.

When Troy arrived, sumaglit lamang ito sa loob ng kwarto ni Santina. Hindi na siya sumama papasok dahil alam niyang magwawala na naman ang ina nito. He looked very crossed when he went out, na para bang may masamang sinabi si Antoinette dito.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"Nothing."

She doesn't like it when people keep secrets from her. Hinawakan niya ito nang mahigpit sa braso.

"Troy, be honest with me. What did she say?"

Bumuntong-hininga ito.

"She asked me to stay with Santina."

"Stay? Pa'nong stay?" singit ni Vico.

"I told her that we're planning to send them to Canada. Dun na sila maninirahan. They'll be well taken care of there. But tita wants me to go with them. Sabi nya, mga isang taon daw. She's just not sure kung magiging okay si Santina kapag wala ako."

Napahigpit ang kapit niya sa braso nito. "And? Ano'ng sabi mo?"

"Sabi ko I'll think about it."

"Think about it? No!" she said indignantly. "You won't even consider it!"

"Red..."

"I'm a very selfish person, Troy. I won't share what's mine. You're mine, and mine alone. Huwag na tayong tumulad sa mga teleserye na ipinaparaya ng bidang babae ang bidang lalaki para sa secondary character na kung makaasta e akala mo sya ang lead role. NO!" tuloy-tuloy niyang sabi.

Bumuntong-hininga ito.

"Red, she's pregnant and she almost lost her baby. Huwag ka namang inconsiderate."

"E ano ngayon kung buntis sya? Paano kung buntis din ako, kanino ka sasama? Malay mo buntis ako tapos ma-depress na lang akong bigla."

Seryosong tumingin sa kanya ang dalawang lalaki. She just asked a hypothetical question but it seemed like the two had taken it too seriously. Troy began walking again, but this time, his pace was quicker. Tahimik namang nakasunod sa kanila si Vico.

Na-realize lang niya kung saan sila pupunta nang tumigil sila sa office ng isang OB-GYN.

She gaped. "Are you serious?"

"It was you who put the idea in my head," sagot nito.

"Vico! Help me out here!"

"Mabuti na yung sure, couz," sabi naman nito.

"I'm not pregnant!" giit niya.

"Then take the damn check-up."

Padabog siyang pumasok sa loob. Dahil sa inis niya sa dalawa ay natarayan tuloy niya ang doktor na titingin sa kanya. She grumpily took the tests. Nang lumabas siya ay si Troy na lamang ang naghihintay sa kanya.

"Umuna na si Vico pabalik sa office," sabi nito.

Hindi niya ito pinansin. Naupo siya sa kabilang dulo ng bench, saka humalukipkip. Agad naman itong lumapit at umakbay sa kanya.

"Hey..."

She shrugged his arm off.

"Red, I just want to make sure."

Syempre, gusto rin niyang makasigurado. But not that day and certainly not that way. They didn't use any protection during their time in that god-knows-where place. But it's only been a week. Wala pa nga. So imposible talaga.

Maybe that first time?

She shook her head. No. It can't be. Sangkatutak ng kape at alak ang nainom niya since then. Imposible. Saka wala naman siyang nararamdamang kakaiba.

When they were called in for the result, ramdam niya ang anxiety ni Troy. He looked like he was trying to hold his breath. Nahawa tuloy siya sa excitement. Hindi nga lang niya alam kung anong klase ng resulta ang hinihintay niya.

But she realized what it was when the doctor gave them the result. She's not pregnant. Medyo na-disappoint sya roon. Pero wala iyon sa reaksyon ni Troy. He was crestfallen. Lugong-lugo ang mga balikat nito nang lumabas sila ng office.

"Bakit sobrang lungkot mo naman yata?"

"Akala ko kasi, buntis ka na."

"It's too early for that."

Pero sigurado siyang hindi niya mamasamain sakaling positibo man ang naging resulta. Humawak siya sa kamay ni Troy.

"Sayang talaga," pahabol nito.

"There's plenty of time to make a baby. But don't ever drag me into an OB-GYN's office again. And this also doesn't change anything. I still won't share you with anyone, especially with Santina."

"But she needs me."

"She doesn't need you. She needs professional help. Hindi na healthy ang pagka-dependent nya sa 'yo. Ang who's to say na isang taon ka nga lang mag-i-stay sa tabi nya? For all we know, she might use that time para mapalapit sa 'yo. Baka pagkalipas ng isang taon, sya na ang gugustuhin mong pakasalan. And where will that leave me?"

Troy smiled. Napadaldal na naman siya. She doesn't give a crap who needs him kasi. Basta ang kanya, kanya. She understands that Troy is not a material thing. May sarili itong pag-iisip at marunong itong gumawa ng sarili nitong desisyon. But she doesn't really buy that.

Di ba, kapag may mahal ka, ipagdadamot mo rin sila sa iba, lalo na sa karibal mo?

May limit ang sharing.

"Ikaw ba, do you need me?" he asked. Papalabas na sila ng ospital. Hindi niya alam kung didiretso ba sila sa opisina o kung may pupuntahan pang iba. Hindi na siya nagtanong.

"A strong woman doesn't need anyone," she told him.

"Then, no?"

She nodded. "No. I don't need you, Troy. And since you care so much about my usage of words, then here it is. I don't need you in my life. I've existed without you. You're here with me because I want you. You're the indulgence that had surpassed my ladder of needs. Kahit hindi kita kailangan, hahanap-hanapin pa rin kita kasi gusto kita. Gusto kitang kasama. I want to see that smug face of yours everyday. I want your constant sunshine to drive away my shadows. I want you."

She pointed at his chest.

"This is mine," dagdag niya. "I want it and I got it. And I will keep it for the rest of my life."