heard about all the love you lost,
it was over before it began.
heard about all the miles you've gone,
just to start again.
. -rear view by zayn
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I clutched on to the hand rests of the seat I was seated in as if holding on to them was a life and death situation.

In a way it was. This seat was the only thing holding me in place and from running away from here.

They felt extremely cold against my soft and tiny palm but I refused to let go.

My anxiety was increasing by the minute and I was a fidgeting mess unable to sit. My efforts to take deep calming breathes very futile.

I was still unsure as to why I was reacting in the way that I was but I think a little fear was normal. For someone who hadn't even left their country before, to move to another country all alone, to live and to survive alone was definitely a very big deal.

I was currently in the main hall of GSU. The room was moderately big, elegant and beautiful. It seemed grand but was actually very simple. Spotlessly clean, white marbled floor that had black patterns here and there, an old grandpa clock at the corner of the room seamlessly ticking away, white walls with a few pictures of the founders and funders.

The hall diverged into 5 different paths, leading to the library, cafeteria, dorms- A & B, computer room and the principal's office which included the college office room as well.

The classes were spread over the vast area in 4 huge buildings. I had a total 7 subjects and I had picked out- Psychology (being my main), English literature, history, economics, political science and German as the compulsory language. The thing with GSU was that they offered a long list of extra curricula's aside from our main subjects to reduce stress on the students which was quite nice. I had to choose from a long list of things like music, choir, computer education (which was only the basics as it was also a main subject), dance, art (which included drawing, sketching, painting etc etc), sports (football, basketball, volleyball etc) and yoga.

I chose music which included instruments as well and excluded choir, but we could be part of the choir if we wanted. We had to work it out with the choir instructor. I was think about whether I wanted to join the choir or not.

I had no trouble in choosing music because as far as I knew, I possessed no talent whatsoever aside from singing and playing the guitar and of course procrastinating. Obviously.

With still a week left for college to start, I was yet to get my schedule and details about my classes. My parents wanted to be early, to make sure I'm all settled in. Apart from the dorm room and the regular food arrangements, my parents didn't have to pay for anything else because education in Germany was funded by the government and the scholarship that I had gotten from all the hard work I had put in high school to maintain my A-levels, took care of my college fee.

I was going to start my search for a job tomorrow. I just feel like it's wrong for me to keep asking my parents for money for the smallest of things.

Speaking of parents, mine were currently speaking to a lady, a college staff who was sat at one of the desks in the main hall. They were sorting out the papers for my dorm, which was the last thing that needed to be done.

Dorms were allotted keeping in mind the distance the student would have to walk to get to class. Very thoughtful and considerate of them.

The dorms were on separate buildings located on each side of the campus. I was to stay in the west side dorms which was closest to building 1 and 3 . All my classes except German and music were in building 1 and the other two were in building 3.

The main hall being in the absolute centre was very convenient for students from all four corners of the campus.

There were quite a lot of students on the campus with still a week remaining and all.

We passed by the football field on our way to my dorm. It was huge and perfect for football.

If Ben would've seen it, he would've definitely squealed like a little girl who had been assured a life time supply of dolls and candy and would've jumped up and down in delight.

The thought of the scene formed a huge smile on my face which faded faster than it appeared.

The funny/happy thought was soon replaced by unwelcome reality. The reality that Ben was gone, never to return.

As if sensing my mood change, my mother started engaging me in conversation about that one time I almost burned down the kitchen in attempts to make dinner and bake a cake and reminded me of the chaotic aftermath.

Well in my defence I was only 12 and thought I was capable enough to make dinner without help.

We soon reached my dorm which was thankfully on the ground floor but at the very end of the hallway. The room had a wooden door, with a wooden plank hung on the top that read - 769.

I opened the room and put my things aside and just stood in the middle trying to take in the sight. There were two single beds on each side of the room. Matching quilts, bed spreads and pillows each. There were 2 standard sized cupboards. Aside from that, there was a common study table in- between the beds and a dressing table sort of thing next to it and a small sofa chair near one of the beds.

It was bigger than I had expected, it was spacious enough and warm and comfortable. Let's just hope that I get a good roommate.

•••

We spent the rest of the day unpacking all my things. I told my parents that I could manage on my own and they didn't have to help but they insisted on it and frankly I was a bit too tired to refuse to let them help.

I didn't bring a lot of things aside from the essentials like clothes, toiletries etc. But I did bring few things to remind me of home and to sort of personalise this room so I wouldn't feel too home sick.

I put my lamp on the study table, my clothes in the cupboard and filled the drawers with all my other belongings. I put up my band posters and a medium sized bulletin board on the wall right next to my bed and a small shelf type thing for my favourite books.

I had brought some curtains from my room at home to put on the window but thought of putting them up after consenting with my roommate who hadn't arrived yet.

After we were done, my parents insisted on going for dinner somewhere outside campus.

The GSU campus was located on the outskirts of Berlin. A 20 minute drive from the city. Even though it was the outskirts, it wasn't isolated or anything. All the basic requirements like a drug store, a supermarket, some place to eat were all at a walkable distance from the campus.

We went to a tiny cafe which was called 'mein kleines Café' which literally meant 'my little cafe'. It was the cutest little place ever. Their menu was pretty basic but decent. It consisted of coffee, smoothies, hot chocolate, sodas, sandwiches, salad, sliders, sausages, pancakes, waffles...

We ordered ourselves some sandwiches and sodas which arrived quite fast. The sandwiches were delicious and I was sure I would come here often.

After we were done, my parents dropped me back, hugged me goodbye  as they had to get checked in at a hotel to stay the night. They were to fly home tomorrow and told my they'll call before they leave. They wished my goodnight and left.

I sat on my bed and tried calling Jessica but the call went straight to the answering machine so I sent her text wishing her a good night and told her I was fine and all settled in.

But I wasn't quite done yet. I opened my back pack and took out the set of pictures of Ben that I had brought along. Pictures of him winning the inter school football tournament with his team with him as captain for the first time, him in my house playing on the Nintendo Wii with his parents and mine, a day at the zoo, amusement park, school trips, and a bunch of pictures just me and him being us, just goofing around. I stuck them around my wall, on the bulletin board, in- between posters every bit of empty space on the wall on my side of the room. My favourite one was a picture of us at a 5sos concert that he had taken me to for my birthday. My cheeks were tear stained and I looked drained out from all the crying a screaming but I was still smiling through my tears and Ben was hugging me from behind, kissing my cheek. That picture definitely won its place at the very centre of my bulletin board.

I spent a good hour after that, just going through every one of those pictures and unraveling the memories and attempting to relive every one of them again.

I went to the common bathroom which was thankfully not far away from my room, and freshened up and brushed my teeth and changed into my pj's and came back to my room, making sure to lock it and jumped onto my bed almost immediately and drowned in the comfort that was my bed.

Pushing away all the memories and thoughts of a certain beautiful boy, my beautiful boy whose memories would certainly haunt me for as long as I lived. And strangely, I was okay with that. With that I fell asleep, hoping that I would find a job tomorrow.

Goodnight Ben.

-------------------------------------------

Hey guys.

So I updated. Pretty late actually. I'm sorry. This chapter is like a filler but is actually very important. I think it's a little too detailed but I had to explain everything properly so you guys could get a clearer view of my idea and imagination.

So I hit 1.35k reads and I'm absolutely thrilled. Thank you so much for reading and voting. Means the world to me.

Also I'm going on vacation. I'm going to Europe (yay!) and I'll be leaving tomorrow night so I'll try updating as soon as possible. I have a lot of ideas now and I'll make sure to present them.

Again thanks for reading. Tell me if there are mistakes. I'll correct them.

Bye love you all x

-S