43. Selfless, Coward, Max

Throughout the drive back to Kansas, every time Dean and I barely made eye contact through the mirror, he's the one to break it. It made my heart beat painfully every time.

It's a silent procession into the bunker. Sam was the one to do the handiwork on my hand. All that time, I feel Dean's boring gaze into the back of my head. I could picture the accusatory glare that the green eyes held.

So now, we're back out in the library of the bunker. I'm curled into a ball in one of the chairs, resisting the urge to scratch my arms. The habit has faded, but now the urge is back worse than ever. I know the reason why.

This is an interrogation. I know it's not supposed to be, but secretly I know that it is. I know the boys have been formulating questions on the drive back to the bunker. I've been thinking about how to explain my situation to them. It's not going to be an easy task.

"You haven't been completely honest with us, Max," Sam tells me calmly. "Now's the time to come clean about everything."

"I told you that anything supernatural related, you come to us," Dean snaps at me. "And now we gotta find out from Crowley that something's up?"

"What did he mean, Max?"

I laugh darkly. "You boys are smart. Figure it out."

Both boys' brows crinkle over their eyes, giving them almost a boyish look. I watch, waiting to see who has the epiphany first.

Dean's the first to react. I see the slight widening of his eyes, then the slight part of his mouth. I can feel the anger radiating off him, a blazing heat.

"Seriously, Max?" he thunders. "You...you...you made a deal?"

I nod slowly. "With Crowley."

"Why would you do that?!"

I look at him, offended. "Back then I didn't know any better!"

"So you mean to tell us that you knew Crowley, way before you met us?" Sam inquires.

"I never really knew him, we crossed paths more than I'd like to admit."

Dean sighs loudly. "Damn it, Max."

"Hey!" I snap, getting out of the chair. "I don't think it's your right to judge my decision!"

"The hell it isn't." He crosses his arms. "What'd he promise you, Max? Clearly not the rich life."

I stare at him, mouth agape. "It's something you wouldn't understand, Dean!"

"If Crowley didn't say a word, were you gonna mention this to either of us?"

I close my mouth at the question, feeling my cheeks heat up. I sigh through my nose, feeling my body tense.

"So we were gonna find out the hard way. Find you in ribbons somewhere."

"Dean—"

He stops me with a menacing look. "Why? All I wanna know is why, Max."

"Fine, you want the truth?"

"Not really, but it's gotta come out."

I shuffle. "I've never dealt with bad situations very well. When we had family pass away, I ran from the funerals, and I had search parties for me. The first funeral I ever attended was in high school, and it nearly broke me. Seeing death on the news isn't the same as having a death in the family.

"You can imagine how I reacted when my...my mom was diagnosed." I swallow. "I don't think I need to explain what was found in her body. I hadn't run off at the doctor's office. I knew I had to stick it out for my mom, my dad, and my younger brother and sister. She went through treatment, and for a while things were looking up...until the cancer came back again. It just attacked, it was so vicious, and...and terminal."

I put a fist to my mouth. "We moved her to a hospital at that point. I didn't want to watch her die. So I ran. I ran and never looked back. I wasn't ready to face the reality that I'd lose my mom." I take a second to catch my breath. "I snuck around the house sometimes, just to check in. Over time, I saw the family unit deteriorate. I kept thinking, 'maybe I should go back.' 'They might need me.' But all the talk I heard, my name was never mentioned once. It was then I knew I was dead to my family, all because I couldn't face Mom's condition.

"One night, I was watching my family. That was the first time I met him. I didn't find him, he found me." I sway slightly to try and ease my nerves. "H-he'd told me his condolences, and I had no idea how in the hell he knew about my mom. He offered me a deal: I give him something, and he cures my mom and makes sure she stays cancer-free for the rest of her life. It sounded too good, so I refused and kind of made a bad impression."

I see a faint trace of pride in Dean's eyes as I tell that bit. Like he's proud. Like his eyes are saying that's my girl. But the glint in his eyes disappear, as though it was just a figment of my imagination.

"I thought that was the last I'd see of him," I say bitterly. "He continued to follow me. I'd avoid him, but he kept trying to force the bargain on me. Repeatedly, I refused. So, I adapted to the streets while my mom withered away in a hospital, and my family forgot my existence after I vanished. I knew the hospital she stayed at. Somehow, I found the courage to go see her.

"I snuck in one night, when visitors weren't allowed. I...I found her room. And I watched her sleep, for a long time. She looked so fragile, like she could go at any moment. I thought about me, about my dad, about my siblings. What our lives would be like without her. I knew I couldn't go back, my family didn't seem like it would forgive me for running off like I did.

"And then he showed up, again." I grimace. "I was a little tired at that point, and for my safety, I didn't yell at him. I still did curse him out a little though. He pressed the bargain on me one last time, ensuring that that would be the last I saw of him if I took it. I didn't do it to get Crowley off my back; I did it for my mom."

"I'm...I'm sorry to hear that," Sam says sincerely. "About your mom, I mean."

"Thanks, but she's fine now. Last I checked in, she's home and recovering with the family. I wanted to go back, but something told me I wouldn't be welcome there. So I didn't step foot in the door, I resumed my new life, being the homeless of Normal, Illinois."

"And you didn't think something was...off about Crowley?"

I shrug. "He creeped me out. He didn't show me anything that would lead me to suspect he wasn't human. He was just a pushy salesman who talked about doing the impossible. I hadn't believed him until I saw my mom home and improving."

"How do you keep something like this from us, Max?" Dean finally speaks.

"I blocked it out, locked it away in my head. Once the deal was done, he told me he'd come find me in ten years to collect payment. He never said what it was." Now I know. I shake my head. "I was street smart, but I was a total idiot." I feel the tears pooling. "The one good thing I did for my family, and they'll never know I did it. It's not really a good deed, if you think about it."

"The circumstances would say no," says Sam carefully, "but you did what you thought would be best. You took the chance, even if you thought it wouldn't work. What you did was selfless, Max."

"Yeah, selfless, but now it's gonna cost me my life."

"How long do you have left, do you know?"

"Crowley said a few days if you—you were listening to him on the phone." I hug myself. "But he could be lying about it." I look at the brothers with sorrowful blue eyes. "I-I'm sorry I didn't speak up sooner, you guys. I just...there was so much going on that it got lost in the chaos and—"

Dean scoffs. "Yeah, okay, so you forget to tell us that you made a deal with Crowley in our 'chaos.'"

I look at him, startled. "I wanted to see if I could figure out a way myself."

"Oh, and how did you think you were gonna do that, Max?"

I shrug. "I hadn't gotten that far. I figured maybe killing Crowley would do the trick—"

"But you'd never get the shot." Dean groans, rubbing his face. "If you had just told us—"

"I'm telling you, I blocked out the memory for years," I say through gritted teeth. "The night Meg was killed, I thought I recognized Crowley. He'd found me when I made a grocery run and made me remember."

"Crowley ambushed you? What else have you been keeping from us?"

"Well, since I'm spilling," I spit irritably, "on my way to another grocery run, I nearly spun out because he magically appeared in the Impala. He was just a reminder to me that my time's almost up..." I focus on Dean and take steps towards him. "What else do you want me to say, Dean? That I should have listened to you? That I should have told you and Sam sooner? You were too busy making sure your brother didn't die from the trials and everything else! I-I didn't want to add on.

"Oh, so that's it?" I say as Dean abruptly leaves the conversation. "You wanted to know the big secret, and now that you know, you're just gonna walk away? Real mature, Winchester."

But Dean doesn't even stop to retort at me; he stalks off into the halls. I sigh, feeling as though an anvil has dropped on my head.

"Just let him go," Sam tells me softly. "Let him blow off the steam." I feel a hand on my shoulder. "We'll find a way out of this, Max. We won't let the hounds get you. You're not going to Hell."

"Sam, even if I live through the attack, I'm marked no matter what. I've got a room with my name on it downstairs." I remember that being Ellie's case. I'm just like her now. Even if I can evade the hounds, I'm still living down there whenever I die.

"Then hopefully you move in when you're wrinkly and gray, not when you haven't hit forty."

I smile thinly, sadly. "I'm glad you think I'm younger than that. Makes me feel a little better."

* * *

I'm still awake at the most ungodly hour ever. I'm not hungry, I don't want to sleep. Paranoia is keeping me alert. My time isn't coming right this second, but it's soon.

My fear has, ironically, led me to Dean's room. I put on the radio, having it go softly. I take note of his weapons wall, looking at one particular blade. Looks like something to have come out of Purgatory, I think thoughtfully. I walk around the room slowly until my eyes find a small photograph on the desk. Looking around, as though I think someone's watching, I pick up the photo.

The first thing I notice is the little boy. It has to be Dean. I try to smile at the smiling, laughing little boy in the picture. Next to him has got to be his mother. She's beautiful, with a face that screams calm and motherly. What I wouldn't give to have met her just once. I put some hair behind my ear as I drink in the picture.

"What are you doing in here?"

I look up, suddenly feeling like I've been caught stealing something. "Oh, you want to talk to me again?" I say bitterly. "I thought you were avoiding me."

"I needed to cool off a bit."

"I know. Sam told me." I hold the picture so he can see. "This is you, isn't it? You and your mom?"

"Yeah." Dean enters his room. "She died when I was little."

"I'm sorry."

"Listen, Max, I've been talking with Sam..."

"About what?" I set the picture back on the desk.

"Your situation. Why you didn't say anything. I kind of agree with him on it. You don't want any help, you don't want to be saved. You...you want to die."

My lips twitch. "H-how can you say that?"

"Are we wrong?"

I let out a shaking breath. "No, y-you're not." I rub the back of my neck. "You're right, I don't want the help. I don't want to be saved."

"Max." He carefully has his hands on my arms. "Don't you think for one second that you aren't worth saving."

"Dean, I'm not. I'm a fucking coward. I ran out on my family at a time where we needed to have strength in numbers. I never went back to them, even after Mom got better. I'm a terrible child, a poor example to my brother and sister."

"Don't you ever say that to me again, you understand?"

I look right into his eyes. "Why shouldn't I?"

"You think I don't understand you, but I do. We share the same self-loathing in our bodies. We tell ourselves we're never good enough, that we deserve whatever bad things life decides to throw at us."

"No, trust me, I deserve this. I deserve Hell, Dean."

"No, you don't. You've done way more good than bad, Max. You saved your mom's life, you took in Emmett and Sophie when they had no one. You saved their lives."

"No, I didn't."

"You gave them the best life they could have had in their situation." His hands touch my face tenderly. "You aren't a bad person, you've just been dealt a bad hand. Believe me, I know what that's like."

"Oh, like you've done something so stupid you wish could take it back?"

"Actually, I was in your position once."

I blink at him. "You...you made a demon deal?"

"Yeah."

"W-why?" I swallow. Of all the people to make one, I don't think Dean Winchester of all people would fall into that category.

"Sam. He...he got killed, and I couldn't live with it. I traded my life for his. Got only a year before Hell came knocking."

"A year? What's the standard?"

"Ten. Only got a year only because of who I am."

"So you...you went to Hell."

"Yes, I went to Hell."

My mouth parts in horrified awe. "Dean...I-I didn't know."

"You don't really want this for yourself, Max. I can tell you from experience that you really don't want it. There's still something in your eyes, that fighting spirit."

"You don't know that."

"I do." I close my eyes as he kisses my forehead. "Because you don't want to lose this. You don't want to lose what you've got."

He's right. I don't want to lose this. I don't want to lose him. I don't want to lose Sam. I don't want to lose this bunker. I don't want to lose the memories. The tears fall down my cheeks, and his thumbs wipe them away before they can hit the floor.

"We'll outplay the King of Assholes," Dean tells me determinedly. "Sammy and I came up with a game plan. We've got a few days, right? We'll make you a hex bag like we did for Ellie, and we're gonna ship you home."

"H-home?"

"Yeah, home, Max. We're gonna hide you from the hound, and you're going home to make up for lost time. You're not dying now, not when you have loose ends and broken relationships that can be fixed."

"Dean..."

"We want to do this for you. Let us, okay?" He brushes my hair.

I nod, sniffling. "Okay." I collapse into his body, shaking. "O-okay."

"There's my fighter," he whispers. "There she is." He starts moving his body a little.

I pick my head up off his chest. "W-what are you doing?"

"Come on, we need to get you happy." He's got an arm across my back, and one of my hands in his. I look away, feeling the heat in my face. "And nothing makes a girl happy like dancing with the man of her dreams."

I scoff. "The man of my dreams, huh? Think your worthy of the title?"

"I'd like to think I am."

But wait...if I'm leaving for Normal..."If I'm leaving, we'll—"

"Shh." I shiver when he has his fingers over my mouth. "We don't need to talk about that right now. Live in the moment, Max. Just live in it." We continue to circle in the room.

Our foreheads touch, breaths mingle together. We share a slow, tantalizing kiss. I sigh in content as the lips touch my own, the bridge of my nose, my brow, forehead, then back down the brow, bridge of the nose, mouth again, and lower, down my throat. I hum in response, letting the music flow through my body and wrap around me, comfort me.

If only we had more time. If only things were different. I want more time with him. Any form of goodbye will hard for me with Dean. We've grown very close, something I'm always going to hold onto.

I want the minutes, the seconds, the milliseconds all to move slowly. I want to spend as much time as I can with the Winchesters.

I don't want to say goodbye to either one of them just yet.

**If you felt any bittersweet feeling, that's normal. If you felt any tears, that's completely normal. If you had any Dax feelings grow stronger, that's most certainly normal.

[sighs] Not too many chapters left. Cherish them, darlings. Because once this story is done, Max's story ends.**